Why i still haven't done it

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Mikulal1995

Mikulal1995

A bipolar, depressive mess.
Jul 15, 2018
38
122
California
What I like about this forum is that I can finally write about suicide without sounding alarm bells and receiving threats of forced hospitalizations and police welfare checks. I've been through it all: hospitals, medication, treatment, self-encouragement, everything. I don't have too much time now so I'm going to try and condense my plight. Nobody likes to read a long-ass rant about why they're going off themselves, right? So there, I've written a full paragraph of nothing. I guess I should mention that I'm 22 years old, gay, and male. Sucks to be gay.

At the of last year I went manic, a symptom of bipolar disorder, and my life went to utter and complete disaster. Now, my life is a shambles. I decided to use all of my credit cards to buy airfare and travel abroad. While there I managed to total not one, but two car rentals. I don't know how I didn't die. I wish I had. Through this period of insanity I had sex with strange men (I never had fun; no experience was enjoyable), went on absurd shopping sprees. I left the United States with one suitcase and returned with five. Now, you can imagine the extent to which my credit card bills rose. Mania left me destitute. I have to declare bankruptcy now, further fucking up my future.

Upon my return to the United States I was arrested for breaking a window at my dad's house (for which I'm going to court— six months after!), and later hospitalized in the psychiatric wards of two different hospitals. For the most part medication was terrible and I don't know why I didn't lose myself in the midst.

So why, might you ask, haven't I done it?

I've been thinking about killing myself since I was 10 years old, and lived in another country. I still have dreams: I want to finish my degree, I want to read more and more books, and I want a chance at having friends again. I also worry about doing it wrong and ending up in the looney bin again.

Little by little all hope is leaving my being. I'm expected to re-start college in September, find a new job (because I lost the job I'd had for three years on campus because of my bipolar disorder), and pretend life is dandy. But it ain't dandy. I'm completely fucked up, and now I'm even more fucked up. Before I used to be the depressed kid. Now I'm the guy everyone knows went nuts and had to spend time in the psych ward. I live with my grandparents now because my dad couldn't deal with and I'm scared to kill myself because I don't want to hurt my grandmother. But I know this has to end.

Last July I had an epiphany: I knew I had to end it before next July. July 31 marks the deadline. I apologize for the incoherent rambling.
 
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Temporarilyabsurd

Temporarilyabsurd

NOISE:signal
Apr 27, 2018
279
830
I too have tossed away some opportunities .

Why do we do this ?

Some privilege we feel unworthy of ?

guilt at winning ? not wanting to be associated with the bloody clawed overlords ?

I know you say it's mania ... but that is a process ... you could have stayed in bed for two years ( my style ).
 
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Temporarilyabsurd

Temporarilyabsurd

NOISE:signal
Apr 27, 2018
279
830
FYI : I am in major recovery ; laying on the couch now .
 
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Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Illuminated
Jun 30, 2018
1,385
4,339
Uk
You still have dreams and things you want to do.you have not done it yet because it simply sounds like you are not ready.
Hope not to offend.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,618
6,609
As Lara said as long as you have dreams you could be unabled to commit suicide.

Having dreams is a shit. It make us thinking how life could really be and we chase our dreams desperately.

That mentality of "follow your dreams" kept me here too many time. But the truth is no achievable dream is so good as we think at the beggining. We almost never can reach them but even if we do, you will discover it's no so good abd you thought. It will be very bland.

I know very well what I'm saying. I will die when I prepare everything and I only will do it because I was able to eradicate all my hopes. And once you do it, you could be able to do it.

Doing it is very hard. To be honest killing oneself is extremely complicated in every factor.

I wish things get better for you.
 
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Mikulal1995

Mikulal1995

A bipolar, depressive mess.
Jul 15, 2018
38
122
California
You still have dreams and things you want to do.you have not done it yet because it simply sounds like you are not ready.
Hope not to offend.
I'm not offended at all. I have dreams just like anybody else— what's getting in the way is the fact I know I'll never get to achieve them. I have a physical disability as well as a psychiatric disorder: a deadly combination.

What worries me is that according to most research, suicide seems to be an impulsive act. The more I plan the least likely I feel like I will actually follow through.

I recently read Night Falls Fast, by Kay Redfield Jamison. Though it's filled with suicide prevention crap it's a good read.
 
Mikulal1995

Mikulal1995

A bipolar, depressive mess.
Jul 15, 2018
38
122
California
As Lara said as long as you have dreams you could be unabled to commit suicide.

Having dreams is a shit. It make us thinking how life could really be and we chase our dreams desperately.

That mentality of "follow your dreams" kept me here too many time. But the truth is no achievable dream is so good as we think at the beggining. We almost never can reach them but even if we do, you will discover it's no so good abd you thought. It will be very bland.

I know very well what I'm saying. I will die when I prepare everything and I only will do it because I was able to eradicate all my hopes. And once you do it, you could be able to do it.

Doing it is very hard. To be honest killing oneself is extremely complicated in every factor.

I wish things get better for you.
I have many dreams, but I have no hope left.
 
Threads

Threads

Elementalist
Jul 13, 2018
739
4,007
Thanks for your story. Ranting is good, coherent or not. We need to get that shit off our chest. That being said, self-sabotaging is a thing, I'm guilty of it.

I don't really have dreams anymore. The cold reality sunk those ships long ago. I'm too damaged to take over my dad and his wife's practice. There's zero chance I would survive 4 years of law school due to my absolute lack of drive and desire to be an attorney. Medical school is not an option, if it was, I would have already started working on my prereqs for it. I can't do upper level mathematics (Calc) which cancels medical school and engineering. I've became content with learning my trade and being an EET. Eventually, if I truly desire more, I will go be a social worker or something.
 

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