- Jun 29, 2020
I know why I haven't done it... I've tried to hang myself before and failed. If I fail again I just might kill myself (lol). I swear to God... I know lots of people have done it more, but I've done it (officially, not counting when I was a kid & would try to drown in the bathtub & electrocute myself with wires lol) twice and to me that's a mountain of failures & a testament to how much of a coward I am. I feel like a wart that keeps regrowing. There's nobody else I can talk to. My dad gets really sad when I bring this up, my mom gets angry at me, my "friends" (I've never put in the effort to have an actual friend) might care but I wouldn't want to put them in this position. My therapist dismisses everything I say as "women's issues" (I only see him because it's that or an institution anyway). My life is falling apart, I'm enrolled in some online classes but have done hardly anything because I can't bring myself to open my computer & I can't attend zoom meetings because I start crying. I'm falling apart & it's absolutely pathetic & I'm sure it's my subconscious trying to make it impossible for me to try & change my mind so I'm forced to do the right thing before I waste tens of thousands of my parents' money. God.