[Discussion] While preparing your way towards — hopefully, nonexistence — what are your pleasures, if any?

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M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,037
5,298
What do you do to cope with how absurdly awful life and reality is? Drown yourself in "non reality" also popularly known as fiction? Drugs? Sleep as much as humanly possible? Music? Masturbation? Something else?

I personally have lived most of my life with my head buried deep within 'fiction'. It has been quite the useful coping mechanics, but it also made things severely worse for myself because it made me dislike 'reality' even more than I already did even when I was only a little kid. I never tried drugs, not for a lack of desire, but for a lack of motivation to figure out how to get my hands on them.

Music also helps wonders — I am always listening to something, if I am not watching/playing. At times, sleeping is my favorite refugee, though some dreams I have often make me dread 'reality' even more. Such good dreams, at least compared to my life. Lastly, masturbation just doesn't work for me, as I have next to no libido.

Sometimes petting my dog really makes thing easier to deal with. I am grateful I have her with me at most times.
 
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Mad

Mad

Actually just sad
Mar 21, 2018
155
473
CYOAs are godsent when it comes to drowning yourself in non reality, I usually get mine from /tg/ or r/makeyourchoice/.
Writing about your own fictional world also is very very pleasing even if you'll never share it with anybody, check out r/worldbuilding if you're interested.
 
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Kira

Kira

Same stuff, different day
Apr 27, 2018
119
314
If I'm not sleeping I'm usually on my phone or the computer. I like to read and watch a lot of anime/movies, as well as listen to music. Video games are pretty fun for me too, they help me forget that this world exists for a few hours at least. As for drugs, I only smoke weed. I've thought about trying other drugs before, but at the same time I don't want to get stuck with an addiction and end up worse than I already am.
 
Asylla

Asylla

Member
Apr 16, 2018
34
167
Fiction mainly. Good stories are what's keeping me alive at the moment. Video games also help. Sleeping is great, but once in a while I dream about failing a suicide attempt and being paralysed for the rest of my life. I also used to listen to and play music almost 24/7 but even that is starting to feel dull. If you have any music recommendations, please let me know.
 
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M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,037
5,298
I've thought about trying other drugs before, but at the same time I don't want to get stuck with an addiction and end up worse than I already am.
That is my mindset, too. Last thing I need is an addiction to deal with for who knows how long I will have to "live" in this hell.
 
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Squidward

Squidward

*
Apr 18, 2018
63
140
The first cigarette of the day is probably my greatest pleasure. Which is helpful for getting me out of bed, cuz if I wait in bed for the fog to dissipate, the cigarette doesn't hit me the same.

Closing my eyes and holding the hits in until the blackness of my eyelids turn bright red. The light headedness stretches out and numbs my extremities. I take what used to be my fingers and run them through my hair, the only part of me I like.

Then it fades and I have to get through another pointless day.
 
FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
378
1,033
I am also no stranger to escapism. At the apex of my worst (and most recent) depressive episode, I relied on a magical knockout elixir of Ambien & alcohol. It got pretty bad. I was drinking every day and started chewing up the ambien, which I would wash down with beer. Did that a few times with Xanax and Valium I bummed off of my acquaintances.

As a result of all this, I developed a monstrously high tolerance for sedatives. Doc put me on such a high dose of a different med that the pharmacist actually asked me if there could be a typo on the scrip. You usually start with 20 mg; I needed 200 mg plus three beers and a prayer to go to sleep.

I think I'm mostly back to normal now. My new psychiatrist is pushing sobriety pretty hard, so I have dropped the alcohol. I have to stay away from Ambien. It works way too well. Most effective drug I've ever taken.
 
Squidward

Squidward

*
Apr 18, 2018
63
140
I am also no stranger to escapism. At the apex of my worst (and most recent) depressive episode, I relied on a magical knockout elixir of Ambien & alcohol. It got pretty bad. I was drinking every day and started chewing up the ambien, which I would wash down with beer. Did that a few times with Xanax and Valium I bummed off of my acquaintances.

As a result of all this, I developed a monstrously high tolerance for sedatives. Doc put me on such a high dose of a different med that the pharmacist actually asked me if there could be a typo on the scrip. You usually start with 20 mg; I needed 200 mg plus three beers and a prayer to go to sleep.

I think I'm mostly back to normal now. My new psychiatrist is pushing sobriety pretty hard, so I have dropped the alcohol. I have to stay away from Ambien. It works way too well. Most effective drug I've ever taken.
Im scared of blacking out, no telling what I might do and not even remember doing it.

For this reason I'm terrified of Ambien and other sleep meds. I abuse benadryl instead, it's a pretty horrid high, but atleast I remember everything if I don't go too crazy with it. (And if I do, I couldn't walk straight enough to do anything I'd regret)

Edit: autocorrected "atleast" to "already" by accident.
 
FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
378
1,033
Im scared of blacking out, no telling what I might do and not even remember doing it.

For this reason I'm terrified of Ambien and other sleep meds. I abuse benadryl instead, it's a pretty horrid high, but atleast I remember everything if I don't go too crazy with it. (And if I do, I couldn't walk straight enough to do anything I'd regret)

Edit: autocorrected "atleast" to "already" by accident.
Aside from the addiction liability, I found Ambien to be pretty benign. The psychiatrist told me that people who report crazy shit happening on Ambien typically tried to go somewhere or do something when they took it, presumably thinking the effect would be more subtle and slow like Tylenol PM. As frequent users have reported crazy-ass blackouts and because he was extremely incompetent, I'm not inclined to believe him, but I never had any trouble.

Most I had were some minor visual hallucinations (and no, that's not an oxymoron). Usually, my vision would get really fuzzy like everything was vibrating or as if TV white noise had overlaid itself over everything I was seeing. Whole field of vision turned bring pink once. Another time, a corner of the room spun like a vortex, and I thought it was hilarious. Higher doses were boring. Knocked me the fuck about before any kind of hallucinations could start.
 
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Sonnenblume

Sonnenblume

Sunflower Panda
Apr 6, 2018
588
1,759
Ambien was weird for me, I'd have hallucinations that there were stuffed animals all around my room throwing a party and talking to me. Also I'd sometimes see a shadowy dark figure but the stuffed animals would protect me from him LOL. It's see little swirly lines moving on everything too. It was fun.
 
FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
378
1,033
Ambien was weird for me, I'd have hallucinations that there were stuffed animals all around my room throwing a party and talking to me. Also I'd sometimes see a shadowy dark figure but the stuffed animals would protect me from him LOL. It's see little swirly lines moving on everything too. It was fun.
Damn, I wish my hallucinations were as interesting, LOL! I liked mine too, so I was interested in psychedelics for a while. I don't think I'm brave enough though, unfortunately.
 
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thatguyakira123

thatguyakira123

Veteran
Apr 10, 2018
179
643
Listen to music, drown myself in fiction, skateboarding and spending time with my doggos. Sleep used to be a great resource for me as my mind would not fuck with me during this time, but now I barely get 6 hours. I also love imagining alternate lives for myself.
 
Dead Girl Don't Care

Dead Girl Don't Care

Trying but still Dying
Mar 26, 2018
42
147
I used to write, just bullshit really, whatever absurd nonsense came to mind, talking James Joyce's Ulysses levels of nonsense but it was cathartic. But lately have been disinterested, favoring escapism through video games and a lot of sleeping, weed some days when I can do it, and music constantly throughout it all.
 
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M

Machonne

Member
Apr 25, 2018
78
112
My dog, movies, music videos, my imagination, alcohol and sleep. I, like some others here, sleep as much as humanly possible and so does my dog, but unfortunately at some point I have to wake up and do something to get through the day. I will have to start working part time soon if my disibility does not come through, damn government makes you have 1 foot in the grave before they will do anything. My dog keeps me here, she's all I have. It's still worth it, for now, at least most days. Some days it just isn't. The alcohol helps alot as I wake up in the morning feeling dread, booze eases that. I love my dog but wish I had never gotten her. It would be easy then. The decision would be made.
 
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Catriona

Catriona

Member
Apr 29, 2018
8
46
Music definitely. I also read and watch silly movies if I feel up to it. I wish I could sleep more but recently I can't stay asleep for more than a few hours. I used to be able to sleep for 12 hours+ daily and I also had really good dreams - I remember waking up crying one morning because I felt so happy in my dream and it was so much better than my life. I couldn't even remember what the dream was about, just the really strong emotions. It was strange.
 
L

Life sucks

Illuminated
Apr 18, 2018
1,367
5,023
Whenever I'm not anhedonic. Video games and anime and music, I enjoy card and board games although I don't play them much because I rarely interact with others. There are other stuff like internet, being here, food..etc

But when being anhedonic, nothing.

In both states I wish to ctb.

Honestly, sometimes I wish I'm in a parallel universe and playing games and enjoying music and that I can freeze the time.
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
210
961
Gaming (mostly old FPSs & adventure games these days, plus whatever else happens to catch my interest), playing through Bungie's Oni at the moment. I wish I could enjoy gaming as much as I used to, but it is what it is. Law of diminishing returns, plus built-up anhedonia, and all that. The fact that I'm still playing any at all is enough to be "thankful" for I suppose, but, then again, what else is there to do for someone like me? It's all an act of desperation, ultimately.

Music (depends on what mood I'm in, sometimes I'll listen to Woods of Ypres, Agalloch & Opeth then the next time I'll listen to The Smiths, The Cure, Dead Can Dance or Low, Slowdive, Duster or Nick Drake, Jackson C. Frank, Jim Croce). My top three favorite bands are Alice in Chains, Pink Floyd & The Pixies. I'm also quite fond of the ambient genre (Burger Ink's Las Vegas, Thomas Koner's Teimo & Gas's Zauberberg are a few little known albums in this genre that I quite enjoy listening to) I always love finding a new awesome song or band I can listen to. One of the few good things I can look forward to.

Sleeping/dreaming. Just had a dream I was riding on the back of a dragon through giant waterfalls with interlinking caves between them. Later, I remember flying over these black abstract rings as the dragon as I was going down a horizontal waterfall and then trying to climb up a cloud's tendril to try and reach something. There was also a destroyed, gigantic airship on a Pirates of the Caribbean-esque dock in one part of the dream and I was observing the captain discuss what had happened with another man and woman. It all felt strangely sad. Like there was nothing that could be said or done, just resigned acceptance. Anyway, I wish I could remember more of my dreams. I've thought about maybe keeping a dream diary, or something, but enh. I don't know. I also really wish I could lucid dream and have my own dream world, in a Yumme Nikki sort of way. It's always neat when I revisit a landscape from a dream long ago. Needless to say, but the hardest part of sleeping is waking up later. Although these days, I get really disoriented before going to sleep. Kind of like I'm in the middle of a really bad fever, or something. It can be quite unpleasant losing myself in the delirium that follows. I've had a few bouts of derealization since taking some Phoenix Tears (THC concentrate), so maybe that's why. Hard to say, given the isolation.

Staring at the furniture and daydreaming about stuff, mostly my own death (surprise, surprise). This one's an inevitable guarantee (good, or bad) since it's what I do when I don't have the energy for anything else, so everyday basically. It can be quite painful, but sometimes it's not so bad. I can tune out for hours sometimes just laying on the couch staring out at nothing, or the patterns I start to see in random objects around the room (almost like looking up and seeing shapes in the clouds). Sitting in odd positions or spots can also be somewhat novel for me. Marking myself up can also be an option if I'm in the mood for it. I'd like to read more as well, but it's tough. I really want to finish reading Hyperion someday, but the act just feel so draining. My brain's a fried lump of crap, plus I'm a lazy, inept moron, so it's always an uphill struggle. I'd like to also read the Dune series and House of Leaves.

Movies/TV are pretty sporadic at best. Most TV shows bore me and I haven't watched one in ages (aside from DS9). Movies are more spur of the moment. Mostly really old foreign stuff (Wages of Fear, Umberto D, Un Homme Qui Dort, Stalker etc.)

Anime is somewhat of a new one for me. Haven't watched any since I was a kid (Dragonball Z, Inuyasha, Yu-Gi Oh, Pokemon, and lots of other weird anime that would air on Fox Kids). Most of those shows kinda turned me off the genre, since they were so crammed full of filler and the same old repetitive crap being recycled over and over. I also watched some Miyazaki films as a child (My Neighbor Totoro & Kiki's Delivery Service). Probably one of the few warm memories I have from childhood. Over the years I've watched other anime films here and there (Princess Mononoke, Akira etc.), but that's about it. I watched Welcome To The NHK a couple years ago through YouTube on a whim and I recall it being mostly alright. Found it a bit weird how he left his apartment so often and had friends, but maybe that's just me. Having a show where Satou just sat in his room all day doing nothing wouldn't be very interesting, I suppose. Anyway, lately I've been watching a lot more anime related stuff. Watched all of Satoshi Kon's work, amazing stuff to be sure (Paprika, Tokyo Godfathers & Paranoia Agent being my favorites). I also caught up a bit on some of Miyazaki's films I hadn't watched yet (Nausicaa & Spirited Away in particular). Although, Spirited Away made me feel so awful afterwards. I was so completely entranced by the world and its characters only to be ripped away from it all and come plummeting back to this grim, dull reality. Movies like that are almost too good to watch, if you know what I mean. It's just too depressing to see that window into another beautiful world close. Serial Experiments Lain by Yoshitoshi ABe, was also great. Really loved the atmosphere. There's a scene in one of the earlier episodes where Lain is just wandering around her strangely empty house looking to see if one of her family members is around before she goes to sit down for a while then gets up to check all the rooms again and they're still empty and there's this eerie piano music playing the whole time and I don't know. It just really stuck out to me. It felt like my whole life summed up. Like isolation personified. I also just finished up with Texhnolyze the other day. Really, really liked it. Almost wish I could erase my memory of it and watch it all again. That ending was pretty damn bleak though, even for me. Made me feel intensely melancholic and kinda miserable, but in a good way, sort of. The themes of giving up the will to live and just waiting for the end to come hit especially close to home for me, particularly in the surface focused episodes near the end. If only I were lucky enough to have Ichise offer to pop me in the head like he did for one of the irreverent surface ghosts he came across, but alas. Gonna probably watch Ergo Proxy next, then either Berserk or Cowboy Bepop at some point after that.

Exercising. Just using the treadmill for about an hour each day. I was doing this back in 2016 for a couple months, but the tread started to stick really bad and my parents started stacking some boxes on it and, enh. So it goes. I'm using it again though, so that's something I suppose. At least the tread's not sticking anymore, for whatever reason. I'd like to have it moved in here despite the lack of space. It'd just make it easier, since then I wouldn't have to leave my room. When all's said and done, it's just something to do. I'm also only eating one meal a day, though I've essentially been doing that for a long time now.

It'd be nice if I could do something creative with the copious amount of time I have on my hands, but that's beyond me. Barely managed to do this as it is.

I desperately wish I could take and enjoy more drugs. I'm so frightened of their effects, though. Even something as light as THC was way too overpowering for me. I just want to feel relaxed. I've suffered from acute, reoccurring stress/depression pretty much all my life and I have an extremely high-strung temperament. It's almost everyday I've been grappling with it, completely sober for the last 26 years of my life. I just want something, so I can relax when I'm really suffering. Something I can depend on to stop what I'm feeling dead in its tracks. Like a nice calm, half-drowsy sensation, or something. I just want to finally relax for christ's sake. A mercy that is continually denied to me, it seems. I wish I had some opioids, or something. I know I could get them through DNMs, but I'm so tired and weak. The effort required feels overwhelming. It's all so hopeless.
 
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L

letmeoutmp3

Member
May 2, 2018
13
18
(legal) drugs to make me sleep
hang out with friends when i'm not feeling too awful
movies
studying languages
making art (when i have supplies lol
also dumb memes
 
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anna

anna

downfall
Mar 18, 2018
441
1,196
When I have no pain, I listen to music almost continuously. Sometimes a movie.
I also enjoy walking the rainy or cloudy days in places where there are trees and I take pictures, I watch birds and other animals. I read a lot and write too. But I lost my motivation. I also spend a lot of time researching methods.
 
higashikata_panos

higashikata_panos

yare yare daze
Apr 13, 2018
15
53
Mainly video games and movies .... but they dont help much though. They used to help a bit but now nothing makes me forget.
 
0blivi0n

0blivi0n

ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ᴍᴏɴsᴛᴇʀs
May 2, 2018
46
216
I love listening to music~ I'm always usually listening to something; I just love how I get become lost in a world of words that are just so beautiful arranged that I cant help stop and feel every beat of a song. I love art~ I actually have an art blog which some reason people seem to like. I've always created stuff even when I young, and now it seems the one of the only things that helps keep me sane. Of course, i love fiction; who couldn't love fanatical worlds that are just so much better than this reality? I guess I'm addicted to daydreams & forgetting that this life of mine is real. Something really specific would be, I love horses. Own them myself. I guess its the kind of thing you couldn't understand if you haven't experienced it, but I don't think there is any feeling greater then when I'm out riding. It's like for just second I feel like everyone could be okay. I just wish that could last forever y'know?
 
Sonnenblume

Sonnenblume

Sunflower Panda
Apr 6, 2018
588
1,759
I listen to music, watch movies, sometimes old TV shows and cartoons. I wouldn't say it brings me pleasure but it helps distract. I used to read a lot but have read pretty much everything I'd ever want to at this point. I research methods quite a bit, just for kicks. I wish I could sleep more.
 
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J

Journeytoletgo

Member
May 14, 2018
89
142
Alcohol, my computer, my smartphone, YouTube videos, I don’t have the interest for movies, or music anymore it just irritates me. Also a bunch of exercise and sleep to keep the hours passing
 
Tiredman

Tiredman

Rest is best
Apr 30, 2018
230
605
When I was younger I was in karate + guitar lessons and before that I was in piano lessons but have pretty much forgotten everything because it's been so long since I touched either instrument.

During highschool and up until I had my accident I used to be big into running and working out. At my peak I Was a 170 ibs of solid muscle, had a six pack and huge pecks ect lol. I could bench press 240 and could do 350 on the leg press. My legs were jacked from running because I would regularly go for 10 kilometer jogs along the bike bath through my city. After I broke my leg though I wasnt able to run anymore so I've fallen off the wagon. Now I'm 180ibs of flab lol.

I also was into making music but my old "slave driving" construction job never gave me enough time off so I lost most of my musical ability.
 
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FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
378
1,033
When I was younger I was in karate + guitar lessons and before that I was in piano lessons but have pretty much forgotten everything because it's been so long since I touched either instrument.

During highschool and up until I had my accident I used to be big into running and working out. At my peak I Was a 170 ibs of solid muscle, had a six pack and huge pecks ect lol. I could bench press 240 and could do 350 on the leg press. My legs were jacked from running because I would regularly go for 10 kilometer jogs along the bike bath through my city. After I broke my leg though I wasnt able to run anymore so I've fallen off the wagon. Now I'm 180ibs of flab lol.

I also was into making music but my old "slave driving" construction job never gave me enough time off so I lost most of my musical ability.
That sucks, man. I've never been in shape. Can't imagine falling back so hard like that. How were you injured, if you don't mind me asking?
 
deflagrat

deflagrat

¡Si hablas español mándame un mensaje privado!
Apr 9, 2018
360
1,141
I have no pleasures. I dont even orgasm anymore because my sex drives in the dirt. Seeing naked women doesn't turn me on anymore which is sad because i used to be a very sexual person.
Something like that happened to me, maybe not to that extent but now sex sucks, I used to think about sex a lot back when I was getting actual pleasure.
 
Tiredman

Tiredman

Rest is best
Apr 30, 2018
230
605
That sucks, man. I've never been in shape. Can't imagine falling back so hard like that. How were you injured, if you don't mind me asking?
I was long boarding and I biffed it on the pavement going down a hill at about 25km/h. Shitty thing was I didn't even want to go that day but my buddy insisted. Ended up breaking my tibia bone right below the knee in 26 places and had to get two plates and 9 screws put in. It took 6 months before I could even walk semi normally again.