When/what age did you know?

  • Welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, a pro-choice forum for the discussion of mental illness, suicide, and the moral implications of the act itself. This is not a pro-suicide site. We do not encourage or aid suicide, and the information offered is for educational purposes only. Read our rules and FAQ for more information. We also offer a recovery subforum if you wish to get support.

    You can close this box by clicking the top right "X".

clownangel

clownangel

Member
Sep 25, 2019
78
118
6-7. Earlier than that there’s just a lot of “I want to be gone” type stuff, when I found out people didn’t just die in accidents or of old age etc. and could do it themselves I was amazed.

Didn’t make plans or write a note until 5th grade, set countless dates since then.
 
  • Hug
Reactions: LuzurPhagget
LastFlowers

LastFlowers

the haru that can read
Apr 27, 2019
486
1,554
The pull seemed to be there quite early on but as the years went on, I had more and more reason to give into it. I never imagined my life would get so bad that dying would truly be preferable over living. But so it has.
I lost more and more hope for change and miracles, I finally accepted my reality. That’s when I knew I had to die. Which is a lot different than simply thinking about dying. Any romanticism is lost and it hits you like a punch to the throat. It’s gotten to the point where it is an option but hardly a choice. When you only have two options and one is only to end the torture of the other, where is the choice in that..
 
Last edited:
Azzy69

Azzy69

Arcanist
Aug 8, 2019
564
1,234
I was 7 after parents divorce. Didn't know what suicide was as such, I just didn't want to be alive anymore. sigh
 
  • Hug
Reactions: LuzurPhagget
Dawn0071111

Dawn0071111

Hungry Ghost
Dec 9, 2018
572
1,378
Not until the trauma of last summer have I had an ongoing relationship with suicide & the desire to carry it out. Im.40.
 
  • Hug
Reactions: LuzurPhagget
Wyntergirl

Wyntergirl

Member
Aug 22, 2019
31
9
I had first considered around 8th grade... but I wasn’t serious until I started high school. That’s when I knew I would never be able to survive the adult world. Now I’m in college and I’ve still never worked a job. I can’t even drive. I usually do well in classes but I’m trapped in a major I hate and I’m doing worse. I honestly wish I’d known about this site back then. I never should have lived to see college. Now I’m a burden to my parents who are paying for it and I can’t tell them that I can’t do this anymore, because they expect me to graduate. I’ve really run out of time. But I’m glad now I have something I didn’t have before: a way out.
 
  • Hug
Reactions: LuzurPhagget
R

ReturnToNothing

Member
Oct 8, 2019
17
11
I’ve felt majorly depressed ever since I was a teenager, but the idea of ctb didn’t come to my head until I was early 20’s. I’m late 20’s now and I just don’t see a future in which I can ever feel fulfilled
 
  • Hug
Reactions: LuzurPhagget
L

Let'sgetoutofHERE

Member
Oct 7, 2019
80
109
I had a first suicidal phase at 15-16, my current one started a year ago when I was 21
 
  • Hug
Reactions: LuzurPhagget
L

Lonely Music

Member
Sep 10, 2019
16
698
I knew when I went off to college at 18 that I was different and an outcast. Doesn’t feel right living in this world
 
  • Hug
Reactions: LuzurPhagget
Noiseless

Noiseless

Veteran
Sep 3, 2018
169
319
Since I was 7 I'm 19 now every time I try to remember why I want to CTB its been because some bullies back in middle school fucked me up I know everyone deals with it but when even teachers and people I trust including parents don't believe you and everyone thinks your lying ever since then I just had a natural hate for other people. Naturally you can imagine I will never be truly able to be able to hang around other people without being able to trust the most basic things from them to say the least I also buried my emotions to this day I'm still not able to even be happy about the most basic things.
 
  • Hug
Reactions: LuzurPhagget
737492

737492

broken beyond repair
Sep 7, 2019
21
68
I didnt even know what suicide was at that age, but at 6-7 I already was having thoughts of wanting to die. I guess by the time I was 13 I decided that suicide was inevitable
 
Kvotheloner

Kvotheloner

Member
Aug 11, 2019
56
155
Since my early 20s. I was always an outsider and felt like an alien. I went through a phase in my 20s of moving around a lot, traveling. I didnt know 100 percent until I hit 30 and realized I wasn't just a wanderlust, I was running from the world and not my current location
 
  • Hug
Reactions: LuzurPhagget
OreoWellington

OreoWellington

Ready To Die
Sep 28, 2019
124
480
The thoughts began at age 11, but it began to be ESPECIALLY clear by the time I reached age 16. That was my first ever serious suicide attempt. My intent was serious, but the method was too weak (which I didn't know in my 16-year old brain). I really thought it was going to work. Even after immediately after that very first suicide attempt, I was still hell bent on death and still looking for ways out. That's how I knew. Through going such crises like that, I hear of stories stating how people immediately feel some sort of "regret" or "remorse" for what they had done? But I didn't.
 
  • Hug
Reactions: LuzurPhagget
D

Death_is_Escape

Veteran
Jul 26, 2019
137
146
The prior Gregorian year: I had an epiphany of sorts when I said to Myself that suicide would be the way I want to die ( & also killing Myself in a way that I think will be dignified to Me).
 
  • Hug
Reactions: LuzurPhagget
SuicidalSymphonies

SuicidalSymphonies

I think I'll take a dirt nap.
Oct 13, 2019
781
1,849
Started wondering around 7. Very young. When I was diagnosed with diabetes. Then when I was 13, I really felt out of place. I think I became serious around 16-18 I would say. 22 now.
 
  • Hug
Reactions: LuzurPhagget
Egddios

Egddios

-
Oct 27, 2018
403
1,193
I was in elementary school when I had my first thoughts of dying. I can specifically remember thinking to myself, “I’d rather die than live like this”. I grew up in an abusive home, the youngest of 3, and I caught the brunt of my brother’s anger. I remember being burned, locked in the basement, punched in the face, being knocked down the stairs. My father worked a lot and my mother basically ignored what was happening at home. At one point my brother was taken to an adolescent psychiatric hospital though I don’t think much ever came of his time there.

Anyhow, I’m 36 now, and I still see death or being dead as the ultimate safe place. My first serious attempt happened on my 30th birthday and in the past year, or really the last few months specifically, I’ve really started to shut down. I rarely leave my apartment - only if I absolutely have to, ie psych appt or for therapy, or to pick up some groceries. Anxiety is eating me alive. I look forward to sleep, and spend most of the time in bed. I would gladly pay someone to shoot me a couple of times in the head at this point.
 
L

Let'sgetoutofHERE

Member
Oct 7, 2019
80
109
I was in elementary school when I had my first thoughts of dying. I can specifically remember thinking to myself, “I’d rather die than live like this”. I grew up in an abusive home, the youngest of 3, and I caught the brunt of my brother’s anger. I remember being burned, locked in the basement, punched in the face, being knocked down the stairs. My father worked a lot and my mother basically ignored what was happening at home. At one point my brother was taken to an adolescent psychiatric hospital though I don’t think much ever came of his time there.

Anyhow, I’m 36 now, and I still see death or being dead as the ultimate safe place. My first serious attempt happened on my 30th birthday and in the past year, or really the last few months specifically, I’ve really started to shut down. I rarely leave my apartment - only if I absolutely have to, ie psych appt or for therapy, or to pick up some groceries. Anxiety is eating me alive. I look forward to sleep, and spend most of the time in bed. I would gladly pay someone to shoot me a couple of times in the head at this point.
I can relate to you so much except for your abusive background. I'm so sorry for you. Have you ever considered therapy? :'(
 
Mr2005

Mr2005

Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
Sep 25, 2018
2,302
8,198
Age 23 but it was more that it was the start of a new decade and it hit me I'd wasted more than half the last one. I was so angry it'd been allowed to happen, it didn't have to. There was a solution and no one did anything including me. Nearly a decade later and it still haunts me
 
  • Hug
Reactions: LuzurPhagget
Jean4

Jean4

Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
Apr 28, 2019
7,599
14,936
My earliest memory was never wanting to be here of fitting in. I just never knew what it was like to have a 'normal' life and not alone. Some of us were not meant to be here.
 
Final Escape

Final Escape

Existing somewhere between life and death
Jul 8, 2018
3,992
12,208
I knew by my early 20’s that I was profoundly damaged and I was not going to have a very long or happy life. But is it any surprise when u get no guidance, your taught lies, brainwashed by bad parenting, gov school, and tv? I feel like I was thrown to the wolves, as happens to many young people these days I’m sure. I figured I would eventually suicide to avoid the problem of old age since I wasn’t having kids or marrying.
 
lunarpoppies420

lunarpoppies420

Wise
Oct 14, 2019
294
821
My first attempt was probably when I was 13, but I knew for sure my suicide was inevitable by 18. It's kind of comforting to not wonder how it'll happen.
 
L

Lefty

Master
Dec 7, 2018
449
1,214
13-14, I had thoughts at 14, but don't remember trying anything. They started to become more intense in my late 20s. I have my periods of ups and downs, but I feel at some point for me, CTB is inevitable.