When/what age did you know?

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LuzurPhagget

LuzurPhagget

Wise
Sep 15, 2019
289
573
That you would die by your own hand?

I think I first thought of ctb when I was 12, but wasn't that serious. Definitely thought of it through high school around 16. But I think at around 19 is when I KNEW I didn't belong here. It was my first year at college. Was supposed to be exciting and fun etc. Too damn anxious, too damn depressed, too damn stupid. And more shit has just compiled on since then to remind me I have no business being here. I'm going to be 29 this year. Wait, scratch that. Hopefully I'll be dead before that. Just couldn't get passed that wall.
 
jacob6767

jacob6767

Soon to be Free
Oct 3, 2019
50
82
I've wanted to ctb / have attempted to since I was 12; I am now 21 and I'm definitely planning before my birthday in April.
Once I received news on cancer, That was an eye opening moment and I knew I wasn't supposed to be here and that I want to ctb by my own terms.
 
LuzurPhagget

LuzurPhagget

Wise
Sep 15, 2019
289
573
I've wanted to ctb / have attempted to since I was 12; I am now 21 and I'm definitely planning before my birthday in April.
Once I received news on cancer, That was an eye opening moment and I knew I wasn't supposed to be here and that I want to ctb by my own terms.
Cancer?!? At 21? Damn man. What kind?
 
alexithymia

alexithymia

Veteran
Sep 18, 2019
176
463
I knew at eighteen or nineteen, I'd say. Never thought I'd grow to be old.
 
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JTG1972

JTG1972

Set on my path, just need the strength
Oct 2, 2019
51
83
My mid/late teens. I attempted at 20, 21—jumping from a high train trestle. SI kept me from it then and really since then I’ve had a lingering awareness that sooner or later it would catch up with me. Now I wish I had just done it at the time.
 
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Erin Inari

Erin Inari

Member
Sep 9, 2019
72
113
For me it was the end of middle school going into high school. Didn't really sink in until I was sophomore though. And its all been downhill from there.
 
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LuzurPhagget

LuzurPhagget

Wise
Sep 15, 2019
289
573
pancreatic, so I go no matter what way I look at it. Father had the same; and I'll be glad to see him if I get to in the afterlife.
Damn man, that's heavy. And apparently there isn't a good survival rate. Sorry mate.

Lol, if euthanasia were legal, would you accept my pancreas if I were to offer it to you?

When I was 22 and I found out who was my father.

Ooh, what's the quick story behind that?
 
Last edited:
Laura123

Laura123

Member
Sep 24, 2019
95
163
I first started thinking about suicide when I was 11... I knew early in life that I would either die by my own hand or in an accident, and not from old age. I've always been afraid of getting old and sick.
 
Irishsarah88

Irishsarah88

To complete my hanging!!
Jan 26, 2019
101
279
For me very very young I'd say about 7 after that it continued and kept going throughout my life.. multiple attempts multiple hospital wards multiple Garda (irish police) cells multiple injuries. my attempts are getting closer though Im sort of strict on my attempts I do not want to scare anyone I dont want others seeing my body as in the public eye. We all know what would kill us instantly it runs on tracks but I couldn't let others see it. Now at the age of 30 with a horrible past I mean horrible and most likely a horrible future I don't see a need for me to be here and of course I don't want to be here in this life!!
 
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LuzurPhagget

LuzurPhagget

Wise
Sep 15, 2019
289
573
For me very very young I'd say about 7 after that it continued and kept going throughout my life.. multiple attempts multiple hospital wards multiple Garda (irish police) cells multiple injuries. my attempts are getting closer though Im sort of strict on my attempts I do not want to scare anyone I dont want others seeing my body as in the public eye. We all know what would kill us instantly it runs on tracks but I couldn't let others see it. Now at the age of 30 with a horrible past I mean horrible and most likely a horrible future I don't see a need for me to be here and of course I don't want to be here in this life!!
Wow, 7. That's way too young :(
 
Loser

Loser

Member
Jun 21, 2019
80
231
My parents sent me to a psychologist when I was 8 because they thought I was going to kill myself. Was told it would "get better" and have been waiting ever since. I'm 22 now. It took me a while, but I now realize that there is only one way to make things better and it sure as hell isn't going to involve more waiting.

My only regret is waiting so long to CTB.
 
Sweet emotion

Sweet emotion

Illuminated
Sep 14, 2019
1,336
1,963
I knew three years ago that I was going to have to end my life myself to stop the physical suffering that the doctors don't know how to. Three years ago my friend with the same illness killed herself. I think this is going to be my last year.
 
jacob6767

jacob6767

Soon to be Free
Oct 3, 2019
50
82
Damn man, that's heavy. And apparently there isn't a good survival rate. Sorry mate.

Lol, if euthanasia were legal, would you accept my pancreas if I were to offer it to you?
Lol, kind thought but I dont think I would if so, I'd love to see my father again if that even happens after death.
 
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deflagrat

deflagrat

¡Si hablas español mándame un mensaje privado!
Apr 9, 2018
360
1,138
When I was a kid I asked about the afterlife a lot. I started being suicidal with 14 y.o. In my imagination, I "killed myself" with a handgun every day. It just get worse from that point. When I was 20 I found the PPeH for the first time, but I wasn't capable of using those methods. I lived my entire lived thinking that I would kill myself eventually, and here I am.
 
T

Time_To_Die

Member
Jun 28, 2019
29
114
Wow, this is a really good question. I've always suspected that some fraction of people have been chronically suicidal for a long period of time, but I never thought to put the question in quite this way ("when did you know you would eventually kill yourself?").

I know I began having suicidal thoughts at around the age of 16, when I was in severe emotional pain. Now I'm not in severe emotional pain but I still want to ctb. My hypothesis is that once you've gone through one severe suicidal crisis, you never really get over it. Severe emotional scarring has a more long-term impact than has been generally recognized, I feel.
 
usernameNotFound

usernameNotFound

Member
Feb 2, 2019
44
128
Some of the people in this thread started thinking about suicide really young. My heart goes out to you, thats a lot to think about as a kid.

I've always been depressed and anxious but kept my chin up. It wasn't until I turned 23 I started noticing patterns of me being actually dysfunctional that I realized that I wasn't meant to be here
 
SlackJim

SlackJim

Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost
Sep 30, 2019
226
498
16, though since then I have been through times where I was sure I wouldn't
My mid/late teens. I attempted at 20, 21—jumping from a high train trestle. SI kept me from it then and really since then I’ve had a lingering awareness that sooner or later it would catch up with me. Now I wish I had just done it at the time.
not trying to sound rude, but do you still call it an attempt if you didn't jump?
 
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blue skies

blue skies

Veteran
Sep 21, 2018
172
738
I've been depressed since I was 12, that was when I started having suicidal thoughts and made a few minor suicide attempts (impulsive things like overdosing on pills). I was 15 when I knew that this world is just not for me, which is when I started researching methods and carefully planning to ctb.
 
JTG1972

JTG1972

Set on my path, just need the strength
Oct 2, 2019
51
83
not trying to sound rude, but do you still call it an attempt if you didn't jump?
I would—I went there, climbed over the railing, tried to make myself jump. Regardless of if it’s failure of will or failure of mechanism, it’s still a failed attempt—if I hadn’t gone at all, had just stayed home, then I’d not call it an attempt. But everyone might have their own line on what counts, and that’s okay too.
 
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Lethe

Lethe

Wizard
Sep 19, 2019
641
1,372
About 16. I even had a term for it, my "Will-to-Live-o-meter". I knew I never had any intention of living past 30. My college years have been super enjoyable but that's coming to an end soon, and my family will most likely back me into a corner when they realize I have no intention of getting a job. I chose my college major, Biology, for philosophical reasons and to to try to find answers, I never actually had any plans to make a career out if it.
 
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n0505

n0505

Member
Oct 6, 2019
54
62
9years old.
I am 18 years old this year, I hope to succeed ctb in December this year.
 
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BobbyPellitt

BobbyPellitt

Leap of Faith
Sep 4, 2019
81
362
Started around 14 when I got bullied in high school which results in social phobia and isolation. Hope it's gonna get better in college, giving my all just to barely graduate and study abroad halfway around the world. Turns out it doesn't really matter where I go, I'm still me. Almost attempted a year ago by jumping, SI kicks in and stopped me. Now I'm 21 and my worst fear is to keep on living. I wish I can overcome my SI soon and end it once and for all.
 
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