What's your main reason for wanting to CTB?

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KnightOfEnceladus

KnightOfEnceladus

Lost child in time
May 20, 2019
232
430
Mostly what @Nihil said. I've always been depressed, have been poor most of my life, caught too much hellfire and brimstone being raised Catholic and it messed me up, and things just keep getting worse and worse. I also believe I have a good idea of what's coming for this country, and am very, very poor and stuck in a bad situation. If I'm going to die anyway, after months of slowly having my humanity stripped away and suffering more and more, then to hell with all that.

I've lost too many friends to poverty and the ravages thereof. They did not have to die. I don't fit in this world. I never did. And with how horrible it's about to get, if anything, all I'd be doing by cashing in my chips now is getting ahead of the crowd, really; I've been sensing that history is about to take an incredibly dark turn, as in "the survivors will envy the dead in a decade or two" bad.

So as the famous internet video says, "fuck this shit I'm out." ETA 2 weeks to 4 months, I believe.
 
Mainlænder

Mainlænder

Die Philosophie der Erlösung
May 20, 2019
39
79
40
Spain
In the words of Améry, "the échec". In the words of Baudelaire, "the spleen".
 
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laila888

laila888

Member
Jun 15, 2019
28
67
Psychotic episode that went on for almost a year and it completely destroyed my life: I have noone left in my life, haven't worked in over 2 years, I might become homeless soon.
 
blanketyblk

blanketyblk

Master
Jun 10, 2019
432
1,354
sheer loneliness. I'm not someone who enjoys their own company.. and can't see my self surviving until old age alone.
 
vulpo

vulpo

Member
Jun 14, 2019
8
27
Argentina
For me? Frustration, getting older depresses me. Don't wanna suffer from any future illness, don't wanna see my parents die or get sick. Don't feel comfortable with corrupt governments, life is sad and we will ALL gonna die eventually no matter what.

So if I can ctb asp much better. The world can go on w/o any of us and let them mend what they do. I just don't want to be part of the world anymore.

The only thing I will always miss maybe is to know whether there is life in outer space, if a brain transplan will be ever possible making a pseudo inmortality possible. That would be like giving someone a second chance if they want to.

Guess any of us will never experiment that for the next centuries.
 
blanketyblk

blanketyblk

Master
Jun 10, 2019
432
1,354
For me? Frustration, getting older depresses me. Don't wanna suffer from any future illness, don't wanna see my parents die or get sick. Don't feel comfortable with corrupt governments, life is sad and we will ALL gonna die eventually no matter what.
That statement reminds me of this quote

"Eternal life? Good god, man. Show me a religion that prepares one for death. For nothingness. There's a church I might enter. Yours prepares one only for more life. For dreams and illusions and lies. If you could banish the fear of death from men's hearts they wouldnt live a day. Who would want this nightmare if not for fear of the next? The shadow of the axe hangs over every joy. Every road ends in death. Or worse. Every friendship. Every love. Torment, betrayal, loss, suffering, pain, age, indignity, and hideous lingering illness. All with a single conclusion. For you and for every one and everything that you have chosen to care for. There's the true brotherhood. The true fellowship. And everyone is a member for life "
 
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W

WaterUnder

-
Apr 27, 2019
197
310
there's always been a ticket with my name on it. it's begging to be used.
 
Jynxer

Jynxer

Member
Jun 3, 2019
52
144
For so many years, I hurt myself (when I was younger). I’ve been hating myself for that. I can’t change the past. I tried to fix it. I fucked it all up, beyond repair. I just don’t see a way I can redeem myself, for myself. If that makes any sense.
I have hardly any family left, I choose to remain childless and single, so one day I can end it all with minimal guilt.

I just feel dirty, and damaged and used up. Then kicked through the dirt again.

That’s why I’m waiting for that bus to take me away, hopefully to a better place than this was.
 
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charlottewilts

charlottewilts

tired of trying
Jun 15, 2019
10
37
I highly doubt it will ever get better for me precisely because I am me. Even if my life is good objectively, I’ve always had this overbearing feeling of boredom and emptiness that I can’t remedy with anything apart from alcohol and drugs, which isn’t a sustainable lifestyle in the long run. So I just want out while I’m still somewhat young.
 
R

Rollinggirl

Veteran
Jul 15, 2019
138
182
Chronic stress (I feel crushed by it), always angry due to chronic stress, anxiety,insomnia, anxiety attack, crying episodes, which is all due to chronic stress. Toxic environments, financial stress( lol even though I am only 18), all because of this chronic stress, I cannot be calm so I have lost myself
 
S

Shamana

Master
May 31, 2019
489
721
Chronic depression, CFS, PSSD and somatic health problems. I am not brave enough to endure decades and decades of pain and stress.
 
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peacefully31425

peacefully31425

Member
Aug 28, 2018
42
98
The amount of pain I have to deal with on a daily basis isn't worth it. My family would also be better off without me.
 
Black_Knight

Black_Knight

Member
Jul 10, 2019
65
99
I can't really tell anymore and I'm not sure if it's worth analyzing.
 
H

Hel

Member
Mar 30, 2019
23
38
I never have what I want and need. It sound childish but it isn't. I can't stand not been good enough to get anything I want and need. And, above all, love. I've been heart-broken almost my whole life, but the last two times brang me here. My last break up was the reason I wanted to CTB at first,, and I wish I had done it then because what happened next was worst. Two years after I fell in love again and forgot my ex. But this time tha pain is even more unbearable and a demonstration of which I said: I'm not good enough. I can't stand a whole life living like this. I've lived this kind of things since I was a teen but each time is worst and this last person really broke the little "me" remaining. I rather be dead than keep living in the nightmare of never being with the person I love the most.
 
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Burzolog

Burzolog

Arcanist
Apr 5, 2018
524
554
Haunted shores of Dawnstar
I want to feel good and don't want to feel bad. My rational brain says it's the best conceivable option. Living requires work and good feelings have their price.
Imagine that you visit a grocery store where everything costs 100x more than usual. Why bother? Leave the store, he says. But he is just a tool, sadly.
 
S

Scott

Member
Jun 29, 2019
7
4
I have totally wrecked by life and marriage chronic alcoholism and DUI’s means I’ll never get a chance to be a professional and will ultimately lead to homelessness. I hate myself and think of dying nonstop. The stress is starting to make my hair on my head and eyebrows to fall out so I’ll look like a freak, losing my marriage of 31 years. I just feel like jumping in front of a semi and ending it
 
Seven

Seven

Rebirth
Jul 9, 2019
32
69
For me its the fact life wont get better, it's been pretty shitty since 2017 and been much much more worse. Awful things keep happening to the people I care about and I keep meeting cold people who dont care about me. I'm tired too, I dont really get much pleasure in anything anymore. Loneliness too, a ton of things that keep adding up but I can't handle it. At this point I'd rather die.
 
Laststop

Laststop

Veteran
Jul 9, 2019
192
317
I was quiet and withdrawn most of my childhood. I started trying to fit in later, and have always done everything wrong. Everywhere I went, with new people, I've always gotten the same reaction. It's me. So I started to live life through fantasy, and the adults hated it. It made them angry. Into adulthood I don't pay close enough attention. I don't remember things. I don't go fast enough. And I don't get along with other people well. I'm fat, bald, bad teeth/gums, body falling apart, diabetes, and now I've lost my job of 20 years. I'm sitting here on just a little savings, selling whatever I can, and at 50 years old I don't see a future. I've been picked on, put down, and laughed at. No one wants me, and I have come far enough in life where I no longer take all the blame for it 100%. I now don't want to be around people. They are mean, ignorant, and they bore me. My body is wore out, I hate life, and I've had my legs kicked out from under me financially. And being able to buy things was the one thing keeping me going. Not only can't I do that now, I'm having to sell all the things I love. Both to make some money, and to leave my place empty when I CTB.
 
HGL91

HGL91

Master
Jul 2, 2019
478
965
Utah
Well i fuck up my life just sat back and wasted my life. All i have now it no job lots the best friend I ever had . O and back living with my folks at thr agr of 45. All i see now ahead of me is pain from crippling arthritis and liver and kidney problems from the pain pills. So all i see a head of me now is pain and darkness and i know one really cares not even my folks. Dont blame them for them not caring bin a dissappointed to them most of my life . So thats me in a nutshell LOL want a joke i am HAHA
Yeah. I just moved back in with my mom at age 27 and I feel like giving up. From ages 19 to now, I’ve been moving out and back home multiple times and have had a couple long term romantic relationships that fail. Seems like a pattern I’m not willing to continue.
 
Dawn0071111

Dawn0071111

Veteran
Dec 9, 2018
127
232
Fucked it up with the boy I wanted more than life itself. And of course hating myself for wanting someone more than life itself. I need to be punished for the ultimate infraction.
 
Worndown

Worndown

Veteran
Mar 21, 2019
195
351
Fucked it up with the boy I wanted more than life itself. And of course hating myself for wanting someone more than life itself. I need to be punished for the ultimate infraction.
Question...who sets your value? It should be you. You may have relationships both personal and professional, but they do not set your worth to society. Your avatar says it all.
He is gone...that is sad. Tomorrow still comes and offers new opportunities. Some may be better than you can imagine. You can miss him but I doubt he was life itself.
Take care.
 
I

Icarus

Member
Jul 25, 2019
19
24
I ruined my life with weed, alcohol and e. Lost the only person I truly loved because of fear, selfishness & narcissism. Never was grateful to my parents, friends or God. Total loser.
 
k75

k75

L'appel du Vide
Jun 27, 2019
246
438
Vanity, basically. Inability to let go and move on.

I survived a major health crisis which resulted in losing parts of myself, and I can't stop grieving it. Every day I see the scars and mutilation, and I'm reminded of what I lost and relive the trauma. And it'll be that way forever.

I was then diagnosed with PTSD and treatment resistant depression and anxiety, which doesn't help the situation.

Add to that a sprinkling of chronic illness (that I also can't accept) and losing the entire future I thought I had, and... there are just so many things.
 
Dawn0071111

Dawn0071111

Veteran
Dec 9, 2018
127
232
Question...who sets your value? It should be you. You may have relationships both personal and professional, but they do not set your worth to society. Your avatar says it all.
He is gone...that is sad. Tomorrow still comes and offers new opportunities. Some may be better than you can imagine. You can miss him but I doubt he was life itself.
Take care.
Thank you for this..... It was a horrible situation. It is what brought me to sanctioned suicide. He was a horrible person, but some people have the ability to decieve one to the core. Its called Narcissitc Victim Syndrome. The program I am in, the therapist says it's the worst form of trauma she has ever seen. I never knew a human could experince such pain. I am making my last attempt to learn how to create my own value. I never have known how. I will maybe post my story in the threads..... I felt like he was life itself. I am 40 and it was the first time I felt a mutual attraction to anyone in my life. I was so certain it was my soulmate. Its a long crazy story, but yes. You are right, but the path to get the ever elusive "self love"- I left a suicide letter and a 15 point Manifesto: All of which decribed my inability to do what you said. To value myself, love myself..... I swear if anyone can bottle the know-how, they would be a trillionaire. Anyway, thank you for your encouragement. I feel like I am in limbo. There is a chance for new life, or at any moment things could crash and I have a fullproof method to end it. Yes, I am here to say I am that girl. The one who gladly wanted to die without the love of a chosen guy. I called myself pathetic everyday. We will see how this pans out. bless u
 
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Laststop

Laststop

Veteran
Jul 9, 2019
192
317
A broken heart, jealousy, anxiety and stress
I don't know if that's your real picture. If so. I would of had a major crush on you when i was that age. But, it just goes to show how this life can bring anyone down. In my monkey brain I look at your picture and think I'd have the world in the palm of my hand if I was that pretty.
 
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