What I guess is the start of my suicide letter

C

coloSO

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Joined
Nov 19, 2020
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For reference, I'm a 38-year-old gay male. I started writing the below in my notes app the other night and it wound up looking like the start of my note. I don't have a timeline but I know it'll happen one day. Maybe when my dog dies, probably in the next year or so. He's really old and his health is failing and I literally can't imagine life without him. He's the only one that's ever got me and accepted me for who I am...


Do you have any idea what it’s like to realize you’re never going to know love? You’re never going to know the feeling of coming home to someone and feel their warm embrace and feel like you’re appreciated and understood. You’re never going to be accepted for who you are or feel like someone can see you and recognize your potential.

I’ve been watching a lot of romantic movies and I know love isn’t like it is in the movies but it has to be like something. There has to be a moment and a feeling that indicates you’re in love. I’ve never felt that. I thought I had one time and one time only. It felt amazing but broke me when he said he didn’t like me back and ran away to New York with someone else. Before and after that, nothing. No feelings strong enough to call love. Barely any feelings at all. I miss the feeling of having never known love. It breaks me into a million pieces to have felt it (or thought I felt it) and realize I’ll never feel it again.

I know I won’t know what love is. What acceptance is. What understanding is. Who could love me for who I am. I don’t even love me for who I am. I don’t understand myself. I don’t accept myself. I never can and I never will. I’m defective. Totally and completely without worth.

When you realize you aren’t capable of love or of being loved, there’s a sick sense of relief. You’re free from the pressure but you also recognize you’re alone. The world doesn’t need you. You don’t need the world. You’re here for no other reason than the fact that the world is cruel and you have no say in being born. You’re here because you don’t want to break your mother’s heart. You’re here because your dog needs you and you love him. How long is that enough? When she dies, when his time comes, does your time come too? Should you live for someone or something else anyway?

Why does life have to be so hard? Why isn’t there a single redeemable thing to make it worthwhile. When I look back on my life, there’s nothing special, no moment to remember that puts a smile on my face. Only sadness. Only depression. Only a pathetic desire for nothingness. No emotions. No pressure. Nothingness. The void. The end of all the pain.

I wake up every day wondering if that day might be my last. If that might be the day when I say enough is enough. That’s how it’s been since I was about 13. I’ve never woken up instead wondering if today might be the day that I find love. That I find that person that makes me feel cared for.
 
PinkMidnight

PinkMidnight

Hope ur final midnight feels like the hug you need
Joined
Nov 8, 2020
Messages
198
Wow. Firstly thank you for sharing your heart with us. This actually made me cry because i feel so much of what you are saying. So So So SO SO much. Especially when you say you think you have felt love and to have that basically torn from your heart just for them to run away with someone else. I've been there...many times with the same person. I'm a hopeless romantic and sometimes (a lot of times) its so hard to watch romantic movies and stories without feeling hopeless that I won't have a smidgen of that in my life. I'll prolly ctb before that ever happens. But Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your letter. I feel very privileged to be able to read it. *bunches'o'hugs for yew love*
 
TattiQueen

TattiQueen

Member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
95
Wow. So beautifully written. It’s very heartbreaking and I am so sorry that you’ve had to live through the obvious pain. I can relate with so many of the things that you’ve written, and hard as it is to admit. I’ve finally come to accept that, I think. Thank you so much for sharing with us. It helps to actually know there are others out there who can relate and are on the same level as you or I. Best of luck darling. Sending love and hugs. Xoxo
 
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