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Venting What do you do when you constantly get worried about your future?

T

Thatdude

Life is temporary, death is permanent
Joined
Sep 26, 2019
Messages
295
So currently, I think I would classify as a NEET "Not in Education, Employment, or Training" at about age of 30 and half. If it wasn't for my parents, I would be on the street. I have a number of degrees, try a number of things, and so on. Without getting too deep into it, I'm autistic and I found this severely limits me in what I can do. The military was my backup plan, but it turns out even that you can't join if you're autistic. I'm currently trying to do things like YouTube videos, sell things on Etsy, license products to companies, and so on. But at the end of the day, I've been through so much shit throughout my life that I want to retire (and I know how this sounds).

I already have a plan on if my life doesn't get better by 2022. Then I will off myself. And then to top it off, my parents have insured me a few times that I will have enough money to live the rest of my life living a normal quiet life after they die. We are also looking at a farm to get, and that away we can use that as passive income as we contract multiyear crops. And that I can be a farm manager at worse.
I honestly hate the idea of them dying, and I think I would immediately off myself if they died. And I hate the feeling of being dependent on them. But assuming they are correct, I can mostly just ride it and have a somewhat good life in theory.
And even today, I gotten off the phone with someone who loved one of my product ideas, and it looks like we might be working towards a contract soon.

But even with all of that, as soon as the TV goes off, I am not playing any video game, I'm not talking with someone, and I'm sitting here 2am. My anxiety shoots through the roof. I have to constantly remind myself that things will be OK, and that is part of what I'm doing by writing this. But I'm getting sick of it. Like as I write this, I feel as I might throw up due to the worry that if I don't do something I will be on the street. That if I don't do something, my life can't improve. Like one of the stupid things I've contemplated is that I should try to go into politics. Not because I think I have good ideas or I can help. But because during your time in congress you get a 6 figure salary, and 5 years into it you are eligible for partial retirement.

I find myself during these times just wishing I was dead, and just tired of it.

I believe the bulk of the reason why I'm like this is nearly all my life has been a go go go go. And due to my autism and other learning disabilities just meeting the minimum norm is climbing a mountain for me. Like the last degree which I was finishing up last year about this time I almost failed multiple on multiple times, and I know 100% I was completely burnt out. But I had no choice in getting it done due to my pell grant was running out. And that since then my drunk sister moved in with her 2 and 5 year old, and they are a handful since the mom doesn't want to take care of them at all. And then I feel I HAVE TO help out my parents in anything they ask at the moment they ask because I feel I could get kicked out. Even if it isn't the case, I am living under their roof, eating their food, under their insurance, and so on for free on my end. And some of these task can go from taking care of bees, repairing a car, and so on.

Like I'm sure that is a major cause, but I'm also sure I'm the biggest problem since I could look at things in a different way. But it's very very hard to do so. And I know I'm not doing everything I can because I am going out of my way to not apply to jobs, to avoid talking about jobs with family, I wish that even deals like I had today will flop, and so on. And I know some of the problem is me not wanting or accepting change. But at the same time I don't want to force myself. So I 100% know the problem at the end is my fault to a large degree.


Is anyone else like this? If so, what do you do to stop this feeling outside of the use of medication or drugs?
 
Last edited:
nitroautnz

nitroautnz

Specialist
Joined
Sep 11, 2020
Messages
302
It's not you fault for being who you are :heart:
I can even imagine how it is to be in your position so I can't really help you unfortunately, you are trying to do your best and its already a lot.
 
VIBRITANNIA

VIBRITANNIA

lelouch | any pronouns
Joined
Aug 10, 2020
Messages
934
i don't have any advice, but what i can say is that this isn't your fault. you're trying as hard as you can, and trying to take responsibility.
 
W

watsonsmith

Member
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
37
Hi Thatdude,

I am the exact same age as you are and in a similar conundrum. I had very intense 20s – working and travelling around the world, a few accomplishments under my belt and two very difficult but intense long-term relationships. Because of my self-medicating my depression with MJ I ended up in a 6 months long mania, which was the cherry on the top of me ruining pretty much every aspect of my life ending up in my mom's house after 12 years of independence.

Now I feel absolutely drained and exhausted and that on top of my long-term depression and other problems that first set me on this path.

I think we both feel responsible for our respective situations and at least for me – it is the guilt that keep crushing down on me and sheer terror about having to continue on with my life. Especially after I reached so "high".

There is no miracle pill for feeling guilty I'm afraid anyway. And I see what you are saying about getting a job – it is expected of us quite naturally. I don't really have an answer... I do empathise with your situation fully though. It is a mixed blessing having the support of your family – you're not in the street, but you're also constantly tormented by feelings of inadequacy, failure and guilt.

Are there things you enjoy doing? Do you have hobbies? Perhaps you also have the problem of never really having found yourself pursuing degrees and projects to appease other people. This has been my experience and as successful as I have been in those endeavours I feel completely hollow now with no idea who I am. If you do have interests and things that feel like your "own" – pursue them.
 
RoseyBird

RoseyBird

Angelic
Joined
Jan 20, 2020
Messages
2,144
It sounds like you’re mostly just spread too thin emotionally, and are burned out. What about getting a small nocturnal pet for lonely middle of the nights? If you cant have a cat or dog rodents can be awesome companions too.
 
TimeToBiteTheDust

TimeToBiteTheDust

It's OK not to be OK.
Joined
Nov 7, 2019
Messages
2,333
Mindfulness. Focus on present
 
T

Thatdude

Life is temporary, death is permanent
Joined
Sep 26, 2019
Messages
295
It sounds like you’re mostly just spread too thin emotionally, and are burned out. What about getting a small nocturnal pet for lonely middle of the nights? If you cant have a cat or dog rodents can be awesome companions too.
I live in a 2 story house, and I'm the only one who lives upstairs. We have dogs, but all the animals stay downstairs. And getting another pet is another mouth to feed and that is money. So that is out of the option.

Anyways, what do you mean spread too thin emotionally? I never heard of that before.
 
musicalpriest

musicalpriest

Member
Joined
Sep 16, 2020
Messages
22
I feel exactly the same. Very burnt out. I'm currently in a master's program 27/F and have never been in a relationship during my twenties.

My family doesn't support me and I'm having to do everything for myself. I'm extremely tired and just want to bitch about it.

I worry a lot about ending up destitute or something. I feel like everyone but me is on a track, or somehow they fall into happiness. But it never has happened to me.

I wonder if I am on the spectrum as well because things for me take so much effort. Another part of it is that I'm gay and I think developed mentally I'm pretty behind my peers.
 
Sinkinshyp

Sinkinshyp

Master
Joined
Sep 7, 2020
Messages
419
I can only comment as a parent and someone who has been through things. Congratulations on your degrees. It must be hard having autism and depression anxiety and get 1 degree let alone more. I was never able to get any degree. Is there a reason you cannot get/take meds? I have been on xanax for anxiety for about 13 years. My doc wont increase my dose so having a tolerance sometimes I need to take 2 to calm down. It's been my best friend.

I had respiratory failure in 2013. My older son was appointed my next of kin, caregiver and decision maker by the doctors he was 21 than. He lived at home to help me due to my health. He died in a car accident when he was 25 almost 3 years ago. You may not feel like you are pulling your weight or contributing but you are and from the sounds of it your parents appreciate it. My son would work all day hard physical job and come home and cook dinner for me, his little bro and himself because sometimes I just didn't feel good enough to do it. I appreciate every time he made us dinner. He did the yard work since I can't with my lungs. It was so much help he would mow the lawn and weed my gardens for me. He also worked on cars and kept mine going. I don't even know where to put water in it and blew up 3 cars before he was good at fixing them due to that. I am so very lost without him in every aspect. I am so thankful and appreciative for all he did for me and his little brother. The small things truly do mean the world.

As far as money- we never have enough. The more we have the more we want. The world puts to much emphasis on having money. I really hate how greedt this world is. I've lived not knowing if there will be food in 3 days for my kids and not eating to make sure they had. I also grew up very comfortable and was financially set. My father worked hard and provided for us very well but it resulted in being a recipient of a backhand, fist and mentally abused. My 8 yr relationship- he worked hard. I will say he is addicted to work. He wanted to get married I refused because I knew he wasn't the one that love was not there. I still say he is my ex husband though. We didn't want or need anything. He made amazing money. It didn't bring happiness or love though. We only lasted as long as we did because we truly did not argue. It was a peaceful living arrangement for us both. I put more emphasis on love and happiness those things money cannot buy. Some of my happiest times were being a single mom. Having to find work to have food for my kids. Knowing if I didn't find something in 3 days they will go without- getting creative to get work to feed them. LOVE and happiness even though stress and anxiety were there. I always found work and they never went without.

If your parents have assured your financial stability- the things you think are small things you do mean the world to them. I would live in a cardboard box and be happy and content to have my son. He is gone and I have to go to him now. I used to feel so guilty my dad worked to feed us and buy everything. I remember being young and school shopping. I would go ohh I love that but than look at the price tag and find an excuse not to get it, oh now that I see it close I don't like it. My mom still brings those things up and how I was a pain in the ass with it. I don't know if it came from the abuse we went through or just that feeling I don't contribute.

Good luck with your potential contract. It sounds like you have creative ways to make money. Do what you can and when you feel up to it. when you aren't feeling mentally up to a task don't force yourself, that only makes things worse. You should be proud of yourself for having degrees- having autism and learning disabilities and succeeding. Even if you currently are not using your degrees the fact you pushed through it is something to be proud of. In the future you may feel better mentally and put those degrees to use. I never pushed my sons. I did tell them whatever they choose to do in life they must be happy doing it. I did tell them the 2 most important things you will ever do- 1 your education and 2 being a parent. While I did say education was important I didn't force them to do more than attend school until they were 18. I couldn't force them to be doctors or lawyers because it made me happy they have to be happy and it was their choices what path they followed. You must be happy doing what you do to make money. I wish I could live on a farm! It's always been a dream of mine. Not to eat the animals though, eggs milk and pets. I'm sure your parents will appreciate your help with the farm and being a farm manager might be fun way to make money and contribute.
 
RoseyBird

RoseyBird

Angelic
Joined
Jan 20, 2020
Messages
2,144
I live in a 2 story house, and I'm the only one who lives upstairs. We have dogs, but all the animals stay downstairs. And getting another pet is another mouth to feed and that is money. So that is out of the option.

Anyways, what do you mean spread too thin emotionally? I never heard of that before.
Basically you have so many things or people to worry about at once that your stress threshold decreases. Imagine you’re holding pizza dough and you and 5 other people slowly pull it away from one another. The center point that holds it all together will eventually grow thinner and then break. Our emotions and mind work similarly. We can only handle so many stressors.
 
Last edited:
T

Thatdude

Life is temporary, death is permanent
Joined
Sep 26, 2019
Messages
295
Is there a reason you cannot get/take meds?
Money, and I hate taking medication. When I was growing up, some of the stuff I had to take 20 or more pills for my learning disability. In fact, my mom found out by the time I got to my teens that I would really sick when I asked for medication for whatever (like a stomach flu).

Plus I don't want to take anything that messes with how I think. Like a lot I try to get into (coding, product development, and so on) it requires more mental than physical. If things are cloudy or whatever. Then I can't do those things.

As far as depress. On paper I'm not depress, and I think if my situation gets fixed then I wouldn't be. So it's not really a chemical thing when it comes to that. But I sometimes fly planes to help transport people. By just being depressed, you will automatically not be allowed to fly anymore. The FAA has stupid laws about that, and it's even an uphill battle with my autism. There is a lot of pilots that asked the FAA to make it OK since it will allow people to not have to pick between talking about it or keeping the ability to fly. Even ATC is the same, and the breaking bad thing isn't far off on how bad things are. Where even if your kid died, you are expected to work and you're SOL if you don't have a boss that won't help you out.
Basically you have so many things or people to worry about at once that your stress threshold decreases. Imagine you’re holding pizza dough and you and 5 other people slowly pull it away from one another. The center point that holds it all together will eventually grow thinner and then break. Our emotions and mind work similarly. We can only handle so many stressors.

You most likely are right, but I just don't know my other option.
 
Last edited:
Sinkinshyp

Sinkinshyp

Master
Joined
Sep 7, 2020
Messages
419
Money, and I hate taking medication. When I was growing up, some of the stuff I had to take 20 or more pills for my learning disability. In fact, my mom found out by the time I got to my teens that I would really sick when I asked for medication for whatever (like a stomach flu).

Plus I don't want to take anything that messes with how I think. Like a lot I try to get into (coding, product development, and so on) it requires more mental than physical. If things are cloudy or whatever. Then I can't do those things.

As far as depress. On paper I'm not depress, and I think if my situation gets fixed then I wouldn't be. So it's not really a chemical thing when it comes to that. But I sometimes fly planes to help transport people. By just being depressed, you will automatically not be allowed to fly anymore. The FAA has stupid laws about that, and it's even an uphill battle with my autism. There is a lot of pilots that asked the FAA to make it OK since it will allow people to not have to pick between talking about it or keeping the ability to fly. Even ATC is the same, and the breaking bad thing isn't far off on how bad things are. Where even if your kid died, you are expected to work and you're SOL if you don't have a boss that won't help you out.
OK, there are many valid reasons not to take mind altering meds. That rule should be changed about being depressed and flying planes. I think depression to some degree is very common. I would imagine it's related to 9/11? You're amazing! a pilot and degrees and so much to offer despite having autism, learning disabilities, anxiety- you could be a success story inspiration for so many. Wow sorry you had to take so many meds at such a young age. I mainly use youtube when I do television. I couldn't afford cable tv for a long time. Have you tried to listen to some of the meditation music there? Some of it might calm your anxiety. Sit quietly, close your eyes and listen. Let your mind calmly wander. I used to do it before my son died and it would help. When I use it now I use lucid dreaming ones. I hope to have dream visits with my son. I've had many awesome dreams using it.
 
Manoban

Manoban

Specialist
Joined
Apr 5, 2020
Messages
351
So currently, I think I would classify as a NEET "Not in Education, Employment, or Training" at about age of 30 and half. If it wasn't for my parents, I would be on the street. I have a number of degrees, try a number of things, and so on. Without getting too deep into it, I'm autistic and I found this severely limits me in what I can do. The military was my backup plan, but it turns out even that you can't join if you're autistic. I'm currently trying to do things like YouTube videos, sell things on Etsy, license products to companies, and so on. But at the end of the day, I've been through so much shit throughout my life that I want to retire (and I know how this sounds).

I already have a plan on if my life doesn't get better by 2022. Then I will off myself. And then to top it off, my parents have insured me a few times that I will have enough money to live the rest of my life living a normal quiet life after they die. We are also looking at a farm to get, and that away we can use that as passive income as we contract multiyear crops. And that I can be a farm manager at worse.
I honestly hate the idea of them dying, and I think I would immediately off myself if they died. And I hate the feeling of being dependent on them. But assuming they are correct, I can mostly just ride it and have a somewhat good life in theory.
And even today, I gotten off the phone with someone who loved one of my product ideas, and it looks like we might be working towards a contract soon.

But even with all of that, as soon as the TV goes off, I am not playing any video game, I'm not talking with someone, and I'm sitting here 2am. My anxiety shoots through the roof. I have to constantly remind myself that things will be OK, and that is part of what I'm doing by writing this. But I'm getting sick of it. Like as I write this, I feel as I might throw up due to the worry that if I don't do something I will be on the street. That if I don't do something, my life can't improve. Like one of the stupid things I've contemplated is that I should try to go into politics. Not because I think I have good ideas or I can help. But because during your time in congress you get a 6 figure salary, and 5 years into it you are eligible for partial retirement.

I find myself during these times just wishing I was dead, and just tired of it.

I believe the bulk of the reason why I'm like this is nearly all my life has been a go go go go. And due to my autism and other learning disabilities just meeting the minimum norm is climbing a mountain for me. Like the last degree which I was finishing up last year about this time I almost failed multiple on multiple times, and I know 100% I was completely burnt out. But I had no choice in getting it done due to my pell grant was running out. And that since then my drunk sister moved in with her 2 and 5 year old, and they are a handful since the mom doesn't want to take care of them at all. And then I feel I HAVE TO help out my parents in anything they ask at the moment they ask because I feel I could get kicked out. Even if it isn't the case, I am living under their roof, eating their food, under their insurance, and so on for free on my end. And some of these task can go from taking care of bees, repairing a car, and so on.

Like I'm sure that is a major cause, but I'm also sure I'm the biggest problem since I could look at things in a different way. But it's very very hard to do so. And I know I'm not doing everything I can because I am going out of my way to not apply to jobs, to avoid talking about jobs with family, I wish that even deals like I had today will flop, and so on. And I know some of the problem is me not wanting or accepting change. But at the same time I don't want to force myself. So I 100% know the problem at the end is my fault to a large degree.


Is anyone else like this? If so, what do you do to stop this feeling outside of the use of medication or drugs?
I relate so much to your situation. I’m at the mercy of my mother due to having been unemployed for most of my life, I’m 24. I am studying at uni but I don’t have much enthusiasm for it, I’m only really doing it because I had to do something and I didn’t want to work a menial job, the only kind that was really available to me otherwise. I have already dropped out once before as well, due to anxiety.

Work has been the bane of my existence and it looks like it forever will be. I also worry every single day about a future of homelessness that probably awaits me, what a nightmare...I couldn’t live like that. I barely manage living the way I currently am. It’s humiliating enough like this, but when you’re exposed to the public, to the cold, the elements, with no place to call your own, that’s the real hell. I almost became homeless after running away following an argument once already.

I’m estranged from the rest of my family also, I don’t really feel as though I have any allies. I feel like some kind of freak, unable to relate to my peers who all manage to deal with their interviews and CVs eventually. Although, I don’t feel guilty, more indignant. I’m done feeling guilty, when I allow guilt to creep in, I am led to the darkest places, mentally speaking.

As for a solution, your guess is as good as mine. I tried prozac but stopped early because I hated the side effect and I began to get scared about how it might permanently alter my brain in some unforeseeable negative way. During the short time I was on it, I just felt a mild numbing of my emotions, even that may have been imagined because it was so subtle.

Perhaps the worst thing about all of this is that even if I found a job, my life would probably not magically become a happy one. I have worked before and it’s never been a positive experience, I think that feeds into my aversion to working in general.

I would very much like to just disappear, I’ve had quite enough of all this stress and strife. I get it, life is work, you have to exert effort to maintain happiness. I just don’t have the energy for that, sadly.
 
T

Thatdude

Life is temporary, death is permanent
Joined
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Messages
295
You're amazing! a pilot and degrees and so much to offer despite having autism, learning disabilities, anxiety- you could be a success story inspiration for so many.
I've been told that a few times. Like I've been in news papers for helping out NASA and them flying me to a few places,winning awards, and so on. But no one really cares. I've tried to market off of what I done, but quickly found no one really cares. At least, not enough to really matter financially speaking.

And to be honest, if I was an inspiration then that is depressing in itself. Someone who while I did these things, I still live with my parents, I can't hold down a job, and I'm serious about just ending my life. If there was a lesson that came out of my life, then it's that you need luck. How do you get it is an unknown. But without it you're screwed.


As far as meditation. I've tried that and it never worked.
 
cryptic__egg

cryptic__egg

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Joined
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Messages
1,606
I just cry and feel depressed then think about dying more tbh
 

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