Weighing my options regarding methods. I can't take this anymore. I'm going crazy

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tryingtoescape

tryingtoescape

Member
Dec 31, 2019
35
114
I feel like I'm trapped. I'm going insane. I'm literally rocking back and forth on the couch. I want to die this year. I'm desperate. All I want is to die. I failed my past overdose suicide attempt and I can't fail again because the psych ward was traumatizing and the nurse practitioner in charge of me forced me to take a medication that gave me permanent side effects and threatened to keep me "in a locked facility for months" if I ever attempted again. I'd literally rather eat broken glass than go back there for a day. I need my next attempt to be fatal. Please feel free to PM if you don't feel comfortable discussing methods here.

I'm in America right now, but my parents have an apartment in Turkey and I'm planning on going there to visit family members in a couple months. My mom lives on the 4th floor but the apartment is 12 floors and there's a stairwell with windows on each floor. I can jump from the 12th floor window onto the concrete parking lot below. My fear regarding this is that it's not high enough. I don't feel totally comfortable jumping from less than 150 feet. 150 feet is the minimum for guaranteed death. This will only be 110-120 feet. There's a small chance I'll survive and that scares me. I know it's a small chance but I'm so paranoid. My anxiety is so severe I can't even stop imagining the worst possible outcomes including for this. I'm afraid I won't land on my head. It's hard to control how you land within milliseconds.

I could also do partial but I have trouble passing out. My fear with this is Locked in Syndrome. If I did this method, I'd have a night only. I can't do this method here because my parents never leave me alone here. But when I'm there, I can stay overnight at my mom's apartment while she stays at my grandma's house, as she sometimes does. I'd have a night and they'd find me in the morning. I'm really nervous about this method because I have an advanced directive that states I don't want artificial life support, but it's only valid in America obviously, nothing like this exists in Turkey. My worst fear is failing and getting Locked in Syndrome, and being kept alive. I have tinnitus so being trapped in my body with a constant ringing is my worst fear.

I really would prefer to jump since it's so final. I can jump from a hotel here in America but I have a very small amount of money saved up so I only have a few chances to get it right and not much room for backing out. I'm afraid I'll back out because I have fears regarding the landing surface. The few hotels with balconies in my state have a glass atrium below and I'm scared someone will emerge from below before I jump. I visited the hotel I was planning on jumping from one night and there was someone smoking a cigarette just below the atrium at midnight. At 12 am. So even if I jump sometime in the middle of the night, I'm terrified of the possibility of landing on someone.

I'm so desperate. I really can't take this anymore. I just want to die. I just want a peaceful guaranteed death but I don't have that option so I have to either jump or do partial. I'm just so scared of surviving and being left in an even worse state. I wish I could be reassured that I'm overthinking this and I'll die. I can't handle this anymore and I need a way out soon.
 
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A

AnxietyAttack44

I just wanna go to my husband already.
Jun 5, 2020
962
1,616
27
Philippines / Croatia
I feel like you, but just like me, you are overthinking it all. We will die one day, definetly. Sooner or later. Just stick around a bit longer and options will show up. Whether to stick around longer, or have safer ctb methods.

You can talk to us here and research your options a bit more.
 
GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

I almost always edit my posts.
Jan 11, 2020
4,240
8,732
I wonder why you consider partial and jumping to be your only two options. It makes sense to give up on OD, but there are other options, and since you are in the States, you have easier access to them than in other parts of the world.

Please don't take this as encouragement to ctb. I'm honoring your choice, and I don't have enough information to understand why you feel so limited when you are afraid of these options failing and there are other options that it seems to me are both reliable and available to you. But I don't know your full situation, so I recognize I am teetering at the point of making an uninformed judgement, and I don't want to do that. I have no right to judge, and I don't like to!
 
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tryingtoescape

tryingtoescape

Member
Dec 31, 2019
35
114
I wonder why you consider partial and jumping to be your only two options. It makes sense to give up on OD, but there are other options, and since you are in the States, you have easier access to them than in other parts of the world.

Please don't take this as encouragement to ctb. I'm honoring your choice, and I don't have enough information to understand why you feel so limited when you are afraid of these options failing and there are other options that it seems to me are both reliable and available to you. But I don't know your full situation, so I recognize I am teetering at the point of making an uninformed judgement, and I don't want to do that. I have no right to judge.
Thank you, your answer didn't come across the wrong way at all. I have some obstacles when it comes to other methods. I only feel comfortable attempting with something with an 90% fatality rate or more. I can't use SN because of the lack of research and statistics because it hasn't been around for a long enough time. I have such severe anxiety, and OCD, which is a really bad combination and for that reason I need to feel certain when it comes to a method. I'm terrified of ending up in a worse physical state or going back to the psych ward because it was so traumatic so I can't risk it.

The most fatal methods are shotgun, jumping, cyanide, barbiturates, and hanging. I can't shoot myself because I can't obtain a gun due to the involuntary hospitalization on my record. I would do anything to obtain cyanide or N. Cyanide is obviously really hard to get your hands on. I would love to go with N. But I have a limited amount of money saved up so I'm worried about getting scammed, since A seems to be unreliable these days. I need that money for the hotel if I decide on jumping in the U.S. since penthouse suites are expensive. If there was a reliable seller, I wouldn't be worried about this. And the other fear of mine is it getting confiscated and being sent back to the psych ward if I'm caught. I don't think this is really common so this one isn't my biggest fear, but it's still there. My main fear with N is getting scammed and not receiving the package, and losing the money I have saved up that I could've used for the hotel. I was in contact with J from China 2 years ago when he was still around. I really wish I would've bought it then. I regret that so much. I didn't have my own bank account at the time (I now do) and couldn't use bitcoin or pay him.

So the most fatal methods I have access to to my knowledge are jumping and hanging.
 
GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

I almost always edit my posts.
Jan 11, 2020
4,240
8,732
Thank you, your answer didn't come across the wrong way at all. I have some obstacles when it comes to other methods. I only feel comfortable attempting with something with an 90% fatality rate or more. I can't use SN because of the lack of research and statistics because it hasn't been around for a long enough time. I have such severe anxiety, and OCD, which is a really bad combination and for that reason I need to feel certain when it comes to a method. I'm terrified of ending up in a worse physical state or going back to the psych ward because it was so traumatic so I can't risk it.

The most fatal methods are shotgun, jumping, cyanide, barbiturates, and hanging. I can't shoot myself because I can't obtain a gun due to the involuntary hospitalization on my record. I would do anything to obtain cyanide or N. Cyanide is obviously really hard to get your hands on. I would love to go with N. But I have a limited amount of money saved up so I'm worried about getting scammed, since A seems to be unreliable these days. I need that money for the hotel if I decide on jumping in the U.S. since penthouse suites are expensive. If there was a reliable seller, I wouldn't be worried about this. And the other fear of mine is it getting confiscated and being sent back to the psych ward if I'm caught. I don't think this is really common so this one isn't my biggest fear, but it's still there. My main fear with N is getting scammed and not receiving the package, and losing the money I have saved up that I could've used for the hotel. I was in contact with J from China 2 years ago when he was still around. I really wish I would've bought it then. I regret that so much. I didn't have my own bank account at the time (I now do) and couldn't use bitcoin or pay him.

So the most fatal methods I have access to to my knowledge are jumping and hanging.
Thank you for the clarification!

With regard to SN, I've combed through the failure and success anecdotal threads, and it seems to me 100% successful if one fasts, uses 20 g of SN, uses 50 mg of water, and isn't interrupted or doesn't abort. But that does not mean that I require you to have the same level of trust or comfort that it is reliable. I have issues with some of the symptoms, but if I can override them, I personally feel like it is the most certain method for me. I cannot and do not want to obtain a gun, and I do not want to take the risks of further pursuing N.

So for now, I am reading Five Last Acts for the first time. I haven't gotten into the methods yet, but I'm very impressed with how the book is written. The author uses citations to support his claims, and is very thorough in criticisms, in anticipating arguments, and in defending his assertions with proof, logic, and humility. Each method is very well laid out, with diagrams, thorough explanations, and caveats. Perhaps I will find a method there and the means to feel confident. If you are interested, I so far feel confident in suggesting it. The link on the resources compilation is broken, and the book is only sold in paperback, but I found a free copy on s c r i b . c o m, and it seems to be a reliable, uncorrupted source that can be viewed online and does not require a download.

I hope something I've said here may help, but no worries if it doesn't, what's important is for you to decide things for yourself, and only you know your needs and requirements. I really respect how you're rationally working through your challenges, and I wish you the best.
 
tryingtoescape

tryingtoescape

Member
Dec 31, 2019
35
114
Thank you for the clarification!

With regard to SN, I've combed through the failure and success anecdotal threads, and it seems to me 100% successful if one fasts, uses 20 g of SN, uses 50 mg of water, and isn't interrupted or doesn't abort. But that does not mean that I require you to have the same level of trust or comfort that it is reliable. I have issues with some of the symptoms, but if I can override them, I personally feel like it is the most certain method for me. I cannot and do not want to obtain a gun, and I do not want to take the risks of further pursuing N.

So for now, I am reading Five Last Acts for the first time. I haven't gotten into the methods yet, but I'm very impressed with how the book is written. The author uses citations to support his claims, and is very thorough in criticisms, in anticipating arguments, and in defending his assertions with proof, logic, and humility. Each method is very well laid out, with diagrams, thorough explanations, and caveats. Perhaps I will find a method there and the means to feel confident. If you are interested, I so far feel confident in suggesting it. The link on the resources compilation is broken, and the book is only sold in paperback, but I found a free copy on s c r i b . c o m, and it seems to be a reliable, uncorrupted source that can be viewed online and does not require a download.

I hope something I've said here may help, but no worries if it doesn't, what's important is for you to decide things for yourself, and only you know your needs and requirements. I really respect how you're rationally working through your challenges, and I wish you the best.
Thank you!
Yeah, it's hard for me to put my trust in SN fully at the moment :( I really don't care about temporary pain as long as it's certain, which is why I'd do anything for cyanide if it was readily available, but of course that's almost impossible Psychologists say that practice is what gives people courage to overcome their fears regarding suicide https://www.fsu.edu/news/2006/01/11/deadly.perfection/ and I definitely think that's true in my experience. Because I overdosed once on prescription medication, the thought of the symptoms with SN isn't as scary as it would've been if I hadn't. It's still scary though of course, as it is for anyone I'm sure, but the past overdose attempt really helped give me courage for other methods involving overdosing, so I think I can override the pain. But it's hard for me to fully trust SN's certainty. It's still an option. I'm just nervous after reading the experiences of some people on here saying they took the antiemetics, the correct amount of SN, and threw up. I know vomiting can still precede a successful attempt though, but the experiences of the ones that survived worry me. It's still nice to have as an option though, if it came to that. Your feeling of certainty regarding SN's success, and the success stories are reassuring.
Thank you for suggesting Five Last Acts. I will take a look at it again. I I really wish I had N. I really wish A was a reliable seller or that J was still around.
I wish you the very best too
 
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A

Anonymoussn

Wise
May 12, 2020
225
469
As @GoodPersonEffed said, if you follow Stans guide successfully, SN seems to be reliable.

As you've mentioned already, jumping is not reliable if you dont fall from a certain height.

Partial suspension is unreliable firstly in the sense that if you are found you could fail, and end up with brain damage. But also in the sense that many people who try it arent able to constrict the correct veins.

The common theme in all of these methods, is that they are far more reliable if you follow the correct instructions. If you jump from above 150 feet, you're far more likely to die. If you attempt partial somewhere where you cant be found, you severely reduce the risk of failure. If you take SN and follow the correct steps, you reduce the risk of failure.

I think that any of these methods should in theory be very reliable as long as you planned them carefully, and executed them correctly. Partial suspension isnt for everyone, because not everyone can find the right spot. Jumping isn't for everyone because not everyone can overcome survival instinct. SN isnt for everyone because not everyone wants to ingest things that might make them vomit. So ultimately you've got to make the decision which you prefer, but I think they absolutely all can be reliable if you do the research and the method is right for you.
 
honor lover

honor lover

honor duty family
May 28, 2020
19
101
12 floors is guaranteed . beleive me just head ffirst