Wanting to relapse

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lunargreenx

19 year old gay boy
Jun 16, 2020
64
141
I am sorry. I have my scars too. I sometimes get these urges to do something drastic when I am in the suicidal mood. I always thought I should get a tattoo where my scars are, so I won't cut again, because I wouldn't want to ruin my tattoo. Maybe that would work?
 
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Brokenwithbpd

Specialist
Jun 15, 2020
382
558
I am sorry. I have my scars too. I sometimes get these urges to do something drastic when I am in the suicidal mood. I always thought I should get a tattoo where my scars are, so I won't cut again, because I wouldn't want to ruin my tattoo. Maybe that would work?
Did that already. I have 13 tattoos 4 years later ha. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I hate myself. My husband said the world does not revolve around me, so maybe I should just leave it so it never has to do with me
 
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lunargreenx

19 year old gay boy
Jun 16, 2020
64
141
Did that already. I have 13 tattoos 4 years later ha. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I hate myself. My husband said the world does not revolve around me, so maybe I should just leave it so it never has to do with me
World may not revolve around you, but your life sure does. You yourself make the choices that are the best for you. I think that tattoos are beautiful.
 

CozyTime

Death should be a free choice
Feb 16, 2019
18
59
I'm sorry you're having these urges, they are fucking strong and a hell to try and get rid of.

I admire the fact that you've made it so long without it, it probably doesn't mean shit since I'm a stranger but I'm proud over you.
Feeling guilty is a natural reaction to all of it, especially when you're trying to keep in mind of a "clean streak" I feel like that way of thinking might be adding some extra pressure to it. If you are able to hold off and survive through the moment that is great but if you don't and you harm yourself thats okay as well, just please try your best to take care of the wounds in that case :hug:
 

Brokenwithbpd

Specialist
Jun 15, 2020
382
558
I'm sorry you're having these urges, they are fucking strong and a hell to try and get rid of.

I admire the fact that you've made it so long without it, it probably doesn't mean shit since I'm a stranger but I'm proud over you.
Feeling guilty is a natural reaction to all of it, especially when you're trying to keep in mind of a "clean streak" I feel like that way of thinking might be adding some extra pressure to it. If you are able to hold off and survive through the moment that is great but if you don't and you harm yourself thats okay as well, just please try your best to take care of the wounds in that case :hug:
Wow thank you for taking the time to write. These urges are a bitch and they don’t go away until I hurt myself. It’s always one clean streak after another and the pressure just adds up.
 
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CozyTime

Death should be a free choice
Feb 16, 2019
18
59
Wow thank you for taking the time to write. These urges are a bitch and they don’t go away until I hurt myself. It’s always one clean streak after another and the pressure just adds up.
From personal experience about it, when I was doing streaks I could only last so long and when I eventually gave into the urges I felt like I was a complete failure, I felt guilty for my family and friends and overall just disappointed with myself. It would spiral me downward for the next several days/weeks for just 1 session of self harm. The pressure made it all seem so fucking serious so "destroying" the streak really made me feel shit.

Now while I still do it and perhaps a bit more so I've been able to find a way of dealing with it much easier. I don't put the pressure of a clean streak on myself, if I self harm that blows but I try my best to just immediately move on. If I self harm right now that would only mess me up for a single day instead of the weeks I could lose due to feeling so shit.

Of course I don't want to give the impression that I understand exactly how you're feeling or that it would help you but I really do believe that the pressure is a really bad thing to put on top of something that is already bad enough on its own you know?

If you do it, not a single person in the world could blame you for it because they have no idea what its like to be you in this situation. Feeling guilty for struggling is not something anyone should do (easier said than done lol) and I'd hate for it to make your mental health even worse than it is now simply because of the pressure and guilt the streak might be bringing.

I hope that makes sense, I''m very tired so I might be stumbling my words a bit.

Either way, whatever happens I'm proud over you and I hope that you won't beat yourself up for feeling like this and having these thoughts :heart:
 

Brokenwithbpd

Specialist
Jun 15, 2020
382
558
From personal experience about it, when I was doing streaks I could only last so long and when I eventually gave into the urges I felt like I was a complete failure, I felt guilty for my family and friends and overall just disappointed with myself. It would spiral me downward for the next several days/weeks for just 1 session of self harm. The pressure made it all seem so fucking serious so "destroying" the streak really made me feel shit.

Now while I still do it and perhaps a bit more so I've been able to find a way of dealing with it much easier. I don't put the pressure of a clean streak on myself, if I self harm that blows but I try my best to just immediately move on. If I self harm right now that would only mess me up for a single day instead of the weeks I could lose due to feeling so shit.

Of course I don't want to give the impression that I understand exactly how you're feeling or that it would help you but I really do believe that the pressure is a really bad thing to put on top of something that is already bad enough on its own you know?

If you do it, not a single person in the world could blame you for it because they have no idea what its like to be you in this situation. Feeling guilty for struggling is not something anyone should do (easier said than done lol) and I'd hate for it to make your mental health even worse than it is now simply because of the pressure and guilt the streak might be bringing.

I hope that makes sense, I''m very tired so I might be stumbling my words a bit.

Either way, whatever happens I'm proud over you and I hope that you won't beat yourself up for feeling like this and having these thoughts :heart:
You beautiful beautiful soul. I think I should feel less guilty about cutting if I’m going to stay longer on this earth because of breaking my moms heart
 

schopenh

Wise
Oct 21, 2019
205
328
I have never cut myself and feel no urge to. I read a comment before from a person who said that their psychiatrist advised them to hold ice cubes or eat very, very spicey food to get the pain they were looking for while not scaring themselves. Perhaps you could try this. Sorry if this was unhelpful.
 
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Brokenwithbpd

Specialist
Jun 15, 2020
382
558
I have never cut myself and feel no urge to. I read a comment before from a person who said that their psychiatrist advised them to hold ice cubes or eat very, very spicey food to get the pain they were looking for while not scaring themselves. Perhaps you could try this. Sorry if this was unhelpful.
Thank you for the suggestions, i actually tried them both. Also tried using red sharpie marker too