Trying to look bad

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moonangel18

New Member
Mar 10, 2020
1
4
Hi, this is my first time to post but I’ve been reading threads here for quite a long time now.

I was just wondering, have you ever tried making yourself look bad and selfish so that when you ctb the people close to you, like your family, won’t feel as bad when you’re gone?

I, sometimes, intetionally make myself look selfish in front of my family so that when I’m gone, it would not be too much of a loss for them.

I just really want to ctb soon. But this pandemic won’t let me get out. I have SN on hand. My life feels like it’s going nowhere. I am a burden for everyone.
I don’t deserve to be here. I want to have peace. Some people just aren’t meant to live in this world.
 
LastFlowers

LastFlowers

the haru that can read
Apr 27, 2019
497
1,567
I don’t really have to.
Everyone is the victim of their own story, which makes it all the more probable to be the villain in someone else’s.

It doesn’t matter how much more I suffer than the people around me, they will find a way to vilify me from their more privileged perspective, and paint me pale-in comparison to their own ridiculous woes. No need for me to act snide, even being “kind” grants me little more than invisibility in other’s lives. Not a far step from “looking bad”.
 
GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Pensively Prolific
Jan 11, 2020
3,360
6,524
I, sometimes, intetionally make myself look selfish in front of my family so that when I’m gone, it would not be too much of a loss for them.
It's a common thing to do when someone is planning to ctb. Honestly, I don't think it will make things any easier for them. Rather than make it less of a loss, I think they're more likely to look back and realize it was a sign, and blame themselves for not noticing and doing something about it.

The only way I can think of to ease things, and of course I don't really know anything about your situation, is to just be yourself and not treat anyone badly. Instead, you can write in your letter that you've been planning it, that there's nothing they could have done, that it was your choice, etc. Maybe even mention why you were acting that way for a while, that you really wanted things to be easier for them, that it was done out of caring about them.

Just my thoughts.