Trapped

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KuriGohan&Kamehameha

KuriGohan&Kamehameha

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I've told my bf about my desire to ctb before many times, it's quite common for people in my age group to make morbid jokes about suicide or not wanting to live anymore so no one takes it seriously I don't think. Yet I tried again yesterday.

I was told that, "there is hope" despite him knowing every single page in the utter necronomicon that is the story of my fucking life. The PTSD, the abuse, the illness, the autism, the pain, the failed treatments. I was told that my passing will utterly devastate him.

I was told just not to think those thoughts and don't worry, we will do something fun tomorrow, which didn't happen. Eventually if I keep talking about it or anything upsetting he will always insist the topic be changed which usually means I just have to stop talking because I cannot make small talk or ignore how I feel to discuss video games/tv/distractions.

I love my boyfriend so much but he can't see how much I'm hurting if he thinks things will get better. No one gets it outside of the people on this site. My ptsd is so bad that I can't even be around a doctor or nurse without dissasociating and having a panic attack.

Their abuse, their nasty words and mockery of me when I was having a flashback, one of them TW sexually assaulting me when I was trying to get away from him, means I cannot ever be around doctors again without having a full blown ptsd meltdown. And I have tried so many therapies, they don't work and I don't know of many ptsd cases that were caused by abuse from doctors.

Even so my bf says that there is hope. That I need to just face my fears. That one day there will be a cure for my illnesses maybe and the only way i can access it is "standing up to my fear" Does no one fucking understand? Do they just cover their ears and refuse to listen to the research about ptsd that proves it is a structural change in your brain and not something you can control with willpower?

Those evil doctors wouldn't even give me benzos when I was freaking out and almost in tears. They do not have my best interests at heart--liability is their only perogative.

I am trapped in every sense of the word. I cannot afford to fail. I cannot afford to be in a psych ward and further traumatised. Now I have this guilt hanging over me because I do not want to hurt others with my exit, yet can't they see how trapped I am in this world? I am feeling so conflicted because I know what I want and I am just going to be guilt tripped into suffering longer.

I need SN already. Don't want to be trapped anymore or further lied to that i am just trying to avoid "healing from my trauma"
 
rabbithole

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I’m so sorry you’re in this shit situation. It’s entirely unfair. I know what you mean about doctors - my life was completely robbed from me by a resident who botched a lumbar puncture and left me disabled. I have serious PTSD now.

I hope this doesn’t feel like I am belittling your suffering but what treatments have you tried?
 
KuriGohan&Kamehameha

KuriGohan&Kamehameha

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I’m so sorry you’re in this shit situation. It’s entirely unfair. I know what you mean about doctors - my life was completely robbed from me by a resident who botched a lumbar puncture and left me disabled. I have serious PTSD now.

I hope this doesn’t feel like I am belittling your suffering but what treatments have you tried?
I don't mind at all, some of these things may be helpful to you if you haven't tried them yet:

Drug wise: All SSRIs and SNRIS, welbutrin, mirtazapine, two different stimulants (Ritalin and one other ADHD drug) Hydroxizine, buspar, Propranolol, a couple other antihistamines, Prazosin (newer alpha blocker used to try and prevent PTSD nightmares)lyrica, vitamin supplements, LSD, magic mushrooms, CBT and medical grade marijuana (I may be forgetting a couple other prescriptions)

Therapy wise: many years of talk therapy, CBT, mindfulness, tried Edmr and some hypnosis as well at home with someone else and it was useless too, Reading on my own (How To Change Your Mind which is a guide to psychedelics written by Pollock, The Body Keeps The Score, etc) I looked at the book complex ptsd from surviving to thriving but it seemed like it was all CBT/therapy type nonsense as well
 
Nimbus

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I certainly don't presume to know your situation but can relate to some extent. I've been in a relationship with my BF for 12 (almost 13) years now and he's the main reason why I haven't ctb yet. It's because I don't want to cause him more pain (he has experienced a lot of death in his life). But he knows I'm sick and how I feel. We've talked about it. It's really hard for him to manage and he's even in therapy to help him navigate living with someone who is terminally suicidal. I share this only because I hope you'll consider that your BF may not know how to deal with your feelings, or his feelings about your feelings, and so on. Sometimes the people who love us and know us best don't even know what to say or do.
 
Gnip

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If you can, FIRE your doctors (since they are paid to work for you, you are NOT paying to work for them, and INSIST on the services of a FEMALE prescriber who is willing to prescribe you benzodiazepines.

As a male, my overwhelming experience is that females are usually vastly superior to males when it comes to mental health care. (I have known a few bitches and a few good guys in the field, but as a general rule, males are better.)

Pure sodium nitrite for curing venison and preventing botulism should be easy to obtain depending on your location. (You also have a sound pretext for insisting on high purity SN since pink salts are very often unreliable for curing meats and can easily ruin them. Botulism itself is far, FAR deadlier and more dangerous than SN!)
 
nerve

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That one day there will be a cure for my illnesses maybe

I feel this so much. Having it lorded over you like "you knooow they could maybe discover an effective treatment for you any day now!" is the most agonizing of the generic platitudes for me. Like "oh shit you're right, guess I'll just sit and wait indefinitely in case Science comes up with something." Manipulative and infantilizing.

I hate that you've been let down like this and I'm sorry your boyfriend doesn't seem to be listening to you. I think I've had conversations like the one you're describing and I'd think about how much it would mean to me if the other person stopped trying to change the subject and just sat with me and my pain for a little while. I know it's not nearly as glamorous as telling someone "There is Hope!" and it's a lot harder too, so it can't be readily expected, and we're the ones left to pick up the slack.
 
KuriGohan&Kamehameha

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I certainly don't presume to know your situation but can relate to some extent. I've been in a relationship with my BF for 12 (almost 13) years now and he's the main reason why I haven't ctb yet. It's because I don't want to cause him more pain (he has experienced a lot of death in his life). But he knows I'm sick and how I feel. We've talked about it. It's really hard for him to manage and he's even in therapy to help him navigate living with someone who is terminally suicidal. I share this only because I hope you'll consider that your BF may not know how to deal with your feelings, or his feelings about your feelings, and so on. Sometimes the people who love us and know us best don't even know what to say or do.

I'm so sorry you're in the same situation. How do you handle it? Is your bf's therapist being a mandated reporter always a fear at the back of your mind or do they provide an environment where he can talk openly without reprocussions?

My bf says it's a natural human impulse to be put off by my suicidal talk and that i don't want to have a relationship and just want to rant. But I try hiding it for weeks until the pain gets unbearable. It feels like no one cares.
If you can, FIRE your doctors (since they are paid to work for you, you are NOT paying to work for them, and INSIST on the services of a FEMALE prescriber who is willing to prescribe you benzodiazepines.

As a male, my overwhelming experience is that females are usually vastly superior to males when it comes to mental health care. (I have known a few bitches and a few good guys in the field, but as a general rule, males are better.)

Pure sodium nitrite for curing venison and preventing botulism should be easy to obtain depending on your location. (You also have a sound pretext for insisting on high purity SN since pink salts are very often unreliable for curing meats and can easily ruin them. Botulism itself is far, FAR deadlier and more dangerous than SN!)
Sadly the NHS and their NICE guidelines ensure not even those suffering the deepest hell can get benzos, but in a fairer world, everyone should be able to take the medications they want especially after all else fails.

I have been researching SN quite a bit but it seems the UK is having a major crackdown at the moment in regards to it. Everywhere seems to require a business lisence.
 
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Gnip

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I'm so sorry you're in the same situation. How do you handle it? Is your bf's therapist being a mandated reporter always a fear at the back of your mind or do they provide an environment where he can talk openly without repercussions?

My bf says it's a natural human impulse to be put off by my suicidal talk and that i don't want to have a relationship and just want to rant. But I try hiding it for weeks until the pain gets unbearable. It feels like no one cares.

Sadly the NHS and their NICE guidelines ensure not even those suffering the deepest hell can get benzos, but in a fairer world, everyone should be able to take the medications they want especially after all else fails.

I have been researching SN quite a bit but it seems the UK is having a major crackdown at the moment in regards to it. Everywhere seems to require a business license.

Perhaps you can find a chemist who can do something like this (feel free to mute the music if you find it a distraction)...:





Don't give up on obtaining SN. Exit International might have business fronts they utilize. And perhaps businesses which can obtain SN with their licenses will sell it to you.
 
GravityUtilizer

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I'm sure your bf means well but maybe you need to consider going your own way; you know, cutting him out, at least for a while?
 
KuriGohan&Kamehameha

KuriGohan&Kamehameha

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I'm sure your bf means well but maybe you need to consider going your own way; you know, cutting him out, at least for a while?
If I was not disabled I may have considered it in the past but he is all I have, we rely on each other. Maybe not in the way that modern relationships tend to work which is focused on sheer personal pleasure all the time, but we try to support each other and stay at each other's side. I also immigrated here for him as I had nothing in my home country, and I am pretty much living in fear of things falling apart someday because as it stands, I will likely never be able to work a 40 hrs a week job again. I am struggling even in my degree which has been online all year. I know me being in pain is hurting him but I have no one else to help me as selfish as it sounds. It seems to only drive me closer to ctb because I feel like a burden on others.
 
GravityUtilizer

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Goddamn that sounds complicated :hug:
 
foxdie

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I've told my bf about my desire to ctb before many times, it's quite common for people in my age group to make morbid jokes about suicide or not wanting to live anymore so no one takes it seriously I don't think. Yet I tried again yesterday.

I was told that, "there is hope" despite him knowing every single page in the utter necronomicon that is the story of my fucking life. The PTSD, the abuse, the illness, the autism, the pain, the failed treatments. I was told that my passing will utterly devastate him.

I was told just not to think those thoughts and don't worry, we will do something fun tomorrow, which didn't happen. Eventually if I keep talking about it or anything upsetting he will always insist the topic be changed which usually means I just have to stop talking because I cannot make small talk or ignore how I feel to discuss video games/tv/distractions.

I love my boyfriend so much but he can't see how much I'm hurting if he thinks things will get better. No one gets it outside of the people on this site. My ptsd is so bad that I can't even be around a doctor or nurse without dissasociating and having a panic attack.

Their abuse, their nasty words and mockery of me when I was having a flashback, one of them TW sexually assaulting me when I was trying to get away from him, means I cannot ever be around doctors again without having a full blown ptsd meltdown. And I have tried so many therapies, they don't work and I don't know of many ptsd cases that were caused by abuse from doctors.

Even so my bf says that there is hope. That I need to just face my fears. That one day there will be a cure for my illnesses maybe and the only way i can access it is "standing up to my fear" Does no one fucking understand? Do they just cover their ears and refuse to listen to the research about ptsd that proves it is a structural change in your brain and not something you can control with willpower?

Those evil doctors wouldn't even give me benzos when I was freaking out and almost in tears. They do not have my best interests at heart--liability is their only perogative.

I am trapped in every sense of the word. I cannot afford to fail. I cannot afford to be in a psych ward and further traumatised. Now I have this guilt hanging over me because I do not want to hurt others with my exit, yet can't they see how trapped I am in this world? I am feeling so conflicted because I know what I want and I am just going to be guilt tripped into suffering longer.

I need SN already. Don't want to be trapped anymore or further lied to that i am just trying to avoid "healing from my trauma"

This is so awful and unfair. I'm so sorry all that happened to you. I relate to that trapped feeling so much. Sending love and hugs your way :hug::heart:
 

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