[Discussion] To those who haven't committed yet what are you waiting for?

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JustVisiting

JustVisiting

Brain Tumour Killing Me
Dec 18, 2019
247
317
I am waiting for my kids to be 18 or at least am somewhat secure in life... I can't take the risk of there dad getting them because I know they will have a really bad life..... I can only do my best for them I don't have lots of money but I try to show them and teach them everything I can..... Sometimes I feel compromised because I want to ctb but when I look at them I know they need me
Oh my gosh! In the same boat with my daughter’s father. She hates him. I have full custody. I’m fighting a deadly brain tumor and want to ctb before I wind up in hospice. But my daughter is 16. I won’t make it 2 more years - the tumor will prevail; but I have hope so that she won’t be remanded to him. An attorney friend though is working on legally emancipating her from him. Fingers crossed. I empathize with you ❤
 
angie

angie

need to exit
May 25, 2018
454
711
I'm one of the oldest profiles. I didn't because I live with parents and I started feeling bad about my parents finding my body. It's a silly reason I know. I should just do it. I must be the oldest profile here who hasn't done it.
I’m an old profile too , i want to ctb but until now have not been able to get past the si . if only , but hopefully i will soon
 
JustVisiting

JustVisiting

Brain Tumour Killing Me
Dec 18, 2019
247
317
Personally, I say there's still a chance.
Exactly one, to be precised.
Focal temporal lobe epilepsy can, hypothetically, be controlled fully with the removal of the offending lobe.
I'm trying to get a chunk of brain removed. A chunk of my brain.
Unlike a lobotomy, I should not turn vegetative.
Reportedly, there's a chance I will lose the ability to control half of my body because brains are stupid, but with about four months of therapy and exercise I'll be finally normal.
I will then uncork a decade and a half old bottle of rage. I hope the surgery works out as going through a "second puberty" sounds both fascinating and fucking terrifying. That "fucking" is surprisingly relevant.
But yeah, if the surgery doesn't happen, if I'm declared unfit for whatever reason, I'll finally take that last step.

Also, I'm waiting for my father to pass. He's been through a lot of shit and doesn't need more of it.
Wow. This seems a seriously drastic measure. But living with epilepsy is so difficult. I suffer from BTE, brain tumor epilepsy. It really is awful. There are many cases of Medical Marijuana helping immensely. Just a thought. Wishing you the best. :hug:
 
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Worndown

Worndown

Master
Mar 21, 2019
444
756
Seeing the need and reaching the point you need it can be separated by a varying amount of time.
 
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animatriste

animatriste

Member
Oct 31, 2018
28
57
Because members are not here "to commit suicide".

It's a pro-choice forum, not pro-suicide.

The spectrum of people and their issues is huge :) Some attempted and continue. Some recover. Others have some terminal physical illness, have time, and weigh options. Others get some support that suspends their ctb, despite thinking about it every hour. Some explore their options. Others consider their future ctb plan, which may not be 'urgent'. Some need to organize and make sure their plan works for them etc.

You may get more details if you ask kindly for people to share their experience / journey :)
you are right. here we all need to be heard. I am suffering from depression and I am considering CBT. I am planning in the hope that something beautiful will happen in my life not to go. But now I'm very sick
 
A

Aonewayticketplease

Veteran
Jun 3, 2019
142
198
Because I'm still undecided as fuck between plunge 2,000 feet to my death, or a tactical shotgun using slug to my head. I'm leaning towards the 2,000 feet plunge though, because if you shot a real shotgun before, it damn loud and recoil suck.
If you do it right right you probably won't hear the bang or feel the recoil. In my opinion the shotgun is the gold standard.
 
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AlreadyGone

AlreadyGone

Taking it day by day
Jan 11, 2020
730
1,147
Was planning on going before the holidays, but I am still waiting for my Meto to arrive.
 
NoDream

NoDream

Veteran
Mar 27, 2018
108
278
Im waiting for my husband to go, either first or at the same time. He is very old and i have promised him that. And we got a bit of respite with the economy. Thought we would be homeless by now, but got benefits for a while.

Have been suicidal since i was five yo, so for 40 years. The kids are soon 30 yo so i feel free to suicide in that way.

During the time i have been here ive learned a lot. We have decided for the Night-night method.

I have chronic pain and CPTSD so my suicidal urges goes up and down.
 
Underscore

Underscore

Nothing is forgotten.
Jul 31, 2018
4,238
8,469
Three things: I’m scared of fucking up, I feel immense guilt over hurting my mom, I am too much of a lazy coward to push through any attempt. After all constantly thinking about suicide is different than actually going through with it but I can’t accept living my life so essentially I’m stuck in limbo lost between living and dying. It’s something I know I have to do sooner or later but it’s like no time feels like the right time and I keep procrastinating and postponing. And I guess you’re right, being on here becomes pointless after a while and I’m just overstaying my presence here by not catching the bus.
Yeah, this. Read my mind Circles.
 
E

Epsilon0

Illuminated
Dec 28, 2019
1,881
4,005
Because members are not here "to commit suicide".

It's a pro-choice forum, not pro-suicide.

The spectrum of people and their issues is huge :) Some attempted and continue. Some recover. Others have some terminal physical illness, have time, and weigh options. Others get some support that suspends their ctb, despite thinking about it every hour. Some explore their options. Others consider their future ctb plan, which may not be 'urgent'. Some need to organize and make sure their plan works for them etc.

You may get more details if you ask kindly for people to share their experience / journey :)

I think this is a beautiful answer, @Quarky00
 
thrw_a_way1221221

thrw_a_way1221221

Angel of Choice - on borrowed time.
Aug 30, 2018
4,770
14,978
A few reasons for me. First off, I have a few things that I'm going to do before I decide to go. Then, I am also curious to see how 2020 plays out, and if things suck, then I will check out as soon as I can. I am also waiting for the right opportunity before I CTB (assuming that things get worse enough and something, like an catalyst, pushes me over the edge).
 
Crushed_Innocence

Crushed_Innocence

Hungry Ghost
Oct 16, 2019
430
1,529
To conquer the fear of death, and get affairs in order such as accounts assets, paperwork..... Some of us dont want to leave a massive mess of work for those left behind.
 
LegaliseIt!

LegaliseIt!

Enlightened
Nov 29, 2019
812
1,585
. And I guess you’re right, being on here becomes pointless after a while and I’m just overstaying my presence here by not catching the bus.
@Circles, I Value your comments, insights support and even a simple thumbs up when I am having a hard day.
You are Never pointless! There is no overstaying here.
Whatever you decide is your choice, but many of us are trapped here by circumstances beyond our control, and the comfort of Solid long time members is priceless.
 
ImsooDone1N

ImsooDone1N

Wise
Nov 23, 2018
271
2,107
Three things: I’m scared of fucking up, I feel immense guilt over hurting my mom, I am too much of a lazy coward to push through any attempt. After all constantly thinking about suicide is different than actually going through with it but I can’t accept living my life so essentially I’m stuck in limbo lost between living and dying. It’s something I know I have to do sooner or later but it’s like no time feels like the right time and I keep procrastinating and postponing. And I guess you’re right, being on here becomes pointless after a while and I’m just overstaying my presence here by not catching the bus.
Couldn’t have put it better. However, your presence my sweet circles, is something I’m grateful for and I definitely don’t think that your overstaying your presence here one bit.:hug:
 
lunarpoppies420

lunarpoppies420

Wise
Oct 14, 2019
295
828
I have one last cosplay to finish, and I'm raising some money to send a dear friend of mine
 
Chronicillness

Chronicillness

Veteran
Jun 19, 2018
121
292
I don't want to die. I don't want to kill myself either. However, I am forced to maske a decision: do I let my illness take complete control over me, or do I take back control for the first time in my life and give myself a peaceful exit in a controlled set and setting.

I'm still fighting though. It's looking grim, but I'm not ready to bow out just quite yet.
 
OrdinaryDay

OrdinaryDay

Sapience of suffering
Dec 6, 2019
29
45
For the exactly right mind set or event that would push me right into it. I have my tools and method set up already but I'm facing another issue which is uncertainty. And that means being in a state between life and death where I don't have exactly have the right mood or reason to commit but I also have no energy or will to carry on living and fixing my life up. Recently I've been feeling like falling towards the side of death and to be honest it is a long transition but I'm finally starting to feel at peace and I know my time will come relatively soon. On the side there are family bonds and the pain it will bring to their life but as I said, my dying personality feels less and less alive everyday. In my case it's just a matter of time
 
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F

Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,145
12,608
I might be a vulnerable narcissist, I’ve read that narcissists don’t commit suicide even though I have wanted to. I have just enough self centeredness, and a desire to try to be happy until I absolutely have to ctb. I feel I’am here for some reason but I have not done that thing yet. I could be wrong on this but something wants me to keep going. I dont know if there is a God and I’ve not been a religious person but maybe there is something. I’ve only recently began to understand moral right and wrong. It began to make sense to me because I suffered dearly for behaving in ways that do not align with the good or the highest good.
 
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H

Hopeindeath!

Arcanist
Dec 7, 2019
582
672
I'm one of the oldest profiles. I didn't because I live with parents and I started feeling bad about my parents finding my body. It's a silly reason I know. I should just do it. I must be the oldest profile here who hasn't done it.
Your reason is not silly at all. You are so kind to think of your parents feelings.
 
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Tempeste

Tempeste

Member
Jan 11, 2020
63
152
I'm trying to get some affairs settled first. Getting my husband and daughter into a new home in another place. Got him to take the job he wanted there. Setting up their fresh start. Making sure they won't be left without the resources they need t o be ok.
I suffer from cptsd from a situation going on for years and no end in sight. I 've made a couple of attempts but was found. I have easy access to other methods but promised my husband I would never use those bc I don't want to traumatize him. So it's been about looking for a faster, more assured method that won't leave a mess.

Stopped eating and drinking a few days ago . I cancelled my therapy sessions I think she was getting suspicious and I don't want cops at my door. I can honestly answer if asked that I haven't done anything to hurt myself. I havent. I'm just not doing anything to help myself either. This is reversible if I change my mind. I did this before (didn't change my mind , husband found me passed out and took me to an er) so I know the time frame and what to expect. I can extend it if I need to finish up more things or I can speed it up by exposing myself to heat. As a back up plan I ordered SN.

He's been trying to convince me to hold on and that things will get better but they dont. The panic attacks are severe. One recently he tried to pull over the car and help me through and a cop showed up making it worse. Long story short she flaked out and pulled a gun and nearly shot my husband. I can't keep putting him through this.

I can't control being stalked. I can't control the !what mess that's occurred bc I was in severe panic mode. I can't control from the blackouts I experience when the attacks are so bad I literally shut down and go into pure survival flight mode. I've tried therapy, drugs, getting help and instead of being able to safely work through it I've got ppl in the background trying to have my rights taken away from me.

What I can control is when, where and how I exit. And it gives me a measure of peace to have found a place where that's understood. I don't feel now like I'll be so alone.
 
RealLifeTamagotchi

RealLifeTamagotchi

memento mori
Dec 15, 2019
29
69
My last wish is to end my life peacefully, by my own hand, with a carefully chosen method. But I'm pretty sure now is not the time.
 
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Phinleh

Phinleh

Member
Dec 26, 2019
36
37
Going to Amsterdam with my brother at the end of January. He has wanted to go for years and I thought I'd give him that before I ctb.

Just quit my job so I'm running on my savings account now. Pretty much lit the fuse so to speak.
 
Wren

Wren

BIRDS AREN'T REAL
Jan 7, 2020
54
75
I don't want to hurt my loved ones. My death would absolutely decimate them and I cannot bring myself to inflict such an emotional blow to those I care about. Just trying to imagine that strips me from power.

My plan was to distance and eventually isolate myself from them, so from their perspective I would dissolve in time and space. Am I long dead or just living far off?
Who knows.

As of now I wait and try to figure out how to implement this plan of mine onto the foreseeable future.
 
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voyager

voyager

Don't you dare go hollow...
Nov 25, 2019
454
910
I never really understood as I see profiles that are years old and active daily.
I'm glad the oldtimers are still here. This place would be awful if everyone just grabbed their instructions and left. There'd be no community to speak of and this is probably important to a lot of us. Albeit not enough sometimes. Not to mention this board is only two years old, yet some of us have been on this path for decades. A few months or years more really don't make that much of a difference. But everyone's intentions and reasons are different, ofc.
I'd rather end up a vegetable rather than being depressed. at least then I won't have the mental capacity to be depressed and have all things taken care of.
youdontmeanthat.jpg
As for myself, it has been a long journey. I ruined my life at 16, and have known ever since that I'd eventually ctb. Problem was I loved life, so it was hard to let go. Took a lot of events, disappointments, mental and physical deterioration to get me here, and yet I can trace all of it back to that one point. But I kept postponing it, because I wasn't completely detached yet. Figured I might as well stay for the things that I could still enjoy (mainly gaming, movies, music, sports, alcohol and nostalgia). I was always at my worst when forced on the outside, so I came rather close to ending it in 2001 because of work. But the years passed, and so here I am. Why not now? Because of my mum. Am fixing up her house before the summer so she has some options. Haven't committed to anything yet, but ultimately, with further deterioration, I can't see this going on forever.
 
R

ReturnToNothing

Member
Oct 8, 2019
17
11
I’m waiting for the right method to fall into my lap... using crypto on the darknet is too complex for me and I don’t have any street connections to my ideal setup.. looks like I’ll just have to go with SN.
 
Freedom Believer

Freedom Believer

Happiness will happen on the other side.
Dec 23, 2019
205
494
Finding the perfect moment to CTB. I want to do it when I feel content and not scared. I want to CTB in peace.