just ignore me3
- Jun 28, 2019
I never could have been prepared to confront the reality that it is extremely rare for any "mental health" provider to actually be concerned with my specific issues. It took me naively exposing the lurid details of my pain and the other person not even pretending to be interested for me to understand that no one on this planet would actually be concerned with what ails me. I was that person that would sing the praises of telling people about your pain. Because that release is so cathartic and instant but it comes at a cost. No one on the planet is even slightly concerned with the inescapable torture that my small world has become but anyone would gladly take advantage of any weakness they see. At this point I understand why the average person is so disassociated with their own feelings. It literally brings you no benefit. Being emotionally literate is only a liability. The indifference from actual psychiatrists and therapists is what shocked me initially. Until I realized that its just a job. And I'm just a name on a list. Now when I think about all the time i spent in vain searching for any kind of relief It makes me angry at myself. How could I be so trusting? Why would I think that any stranger would actually want to "fix" me. Its only after the fact I realize how absurd that idea is. I have nothing and no one. And spilling my guts to the dead eyed hourly worker who cant remember my name is an exercise in futility. It really really burns. And yet that urge to spill it and get "help" is still there because im hurting. Yet i am constantly reminded of how useless that is. Im at a loss.