The honest truth

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rebelsue

Hope Addict
Dec 12, 2019
167
573
I do not know where else to post this. Maybe I shouldn't post it at all.

I think the remainder of my life is going to be very very sad, however long it lasts. I try everyday to fight to get better but I'm starting to feel like it isn't enough and it never will be.

My husband has convinced all our friends that I'm the bad guy, so if I were to leave, I'd have nothing. Everything I own and everything I love is in this house and I might have to turn my back on it completely. I am too much of a coward to do it because I keep second guessing myself, that I'm not actually in an abusive relationship and that I'm the abuser, not him.

Have I hurt him? Yes. Of course I've done hurtful things.

I'm starting to realize that many of the hurtful things I have done to him were out of anger for the constant correcting and nitpicking. I have never felt safe in this marriage. First it was his mother who didn't think I was good enough, and he was under her spell. Then he shed her from his life and I thought things would get better, but he was still critical of me. My parents didn't really raise me right. I know it's probably frustrating to be married to someone like me because of those things, but I also have a lot of friends who tell me I'm amazing, how they wish I could see what they see, and how I'm not anywhere near as bad as I think I am. Even my husband says these things, sometimes, too. But at home I don't feel it. I feel like I'm constantly being corrected and criticized. It's like death by a thousand paper cuts. I feel like everywhere I turn I run into another rule that I missed. Another interpersonal thing I failed at. I'm becoming so exhausted and hypersensitive that it's really no wonder I scream at him sometimes out of nowhere.

I was neglected emotionally and was never taught how to do things, never taught to be an adult. I was not allowed to work in high school and college so I never learned how to have a real job. I found ways to make money but they were very low stakes student "jobs" that weren't actually in any way close to a real job. My dad yelled all the time. Screamed and yelled and cursed and threatened suicide. I grew up scared. So yeah, I didn't develop properly and I struggle with a lot of basic adult tasks. I have trouble finding full time work and I have never been able to make much money or support myself without someone's help. I know that probably makes me a really annoying partner but I'm not a bad person. I don't deserve to feel under attack all the time. I am not as bad as the constant criticism makes me feel.

I don't think I can leave. I think I am stuck here. Everything I love is here. My cat, the house we remodeled, my garden, my art supplies, my music instruments, my memories, everything I own. Every job I have had, the money went into this life. If I leave, I have nothing. I don't talk to my family. I can't burden friends. I have a car but it's 20 years old and on it's last leg. I don't know how far that car would even get me, if I had to live in it it would be even worse. I can't leave. There's no way.

He's convinced all of our friends that I'm to blame for our marital problems, because I yell at him. But they don't see the other side. He's charismatic and likable, physically fit and healthy and successful. Our friends are enamored of him and I look like a total loser next to him. Nobody would ever believe me. I see exactly what this relationship is, and I can't escape. I have come here to this site because I don't know where else it is safe to tell this story. I am really scared, and I definitely can't leave, so don't tell me to leave or give me advice on ways to leave. I'm aware of all of those ways. I've made phone calls before to try to arrange an escape but I can't do it. There are a lot of reasons I can't. Legally he would destroy me. He's very smart. His brother is a lawyer. I'd never be able to afford to fight for what is mine.

I have to find a way to live my life this way. Maybe become numb, maybe become subservient just to keep the peace. I can't dish it back because when I did that it would cause huge huge fights. I know I'm trapped and I know this is unhealthy and I can't leave. I know I can't die either. I don't know what to do.
 
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GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Pensively Prolific
Jan 11, 2020
3,275
6,347
I hear you, the whole story, all the interconnected elements. I get it. I have compassion for how hard this is.



Do you want a couple of book resources? Or is just being heard what you wanted? I don't want to offer something you don't seek and you end up feeling pushed or pushed aside. It's about what you want, not what I think you need.
 
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TotallyIsolated

Veteran
Nov 25, 2019
138
366
Oh god thats awful I’m so sorry. It sounds like a dreadful situation.

I had a neglectful upbringing too. Even with years of therapy and medication to help me I still can’t make up for the love my mother didn’t show me when I was a little child. I can never trust that people love me or even like me at all. I’m always on edge expecting people to turn against me. I’ve lost some really close friends by being unable to accept that they cared about me.

I know that it’s not as simple as “just leave” but the injustice of it still exasperates me, and breaks my heart. I don’t even know what to say... You have the RIGHT to be happy and to live your own life, I guess. I hope that’s not patronising.
 
R

rebelsue

Hope Addict
Dec 12, 2019
167
573
Oh god thats awful I’m so sorry. It sounds like a dreadful situation.

I had a neglectful upbringing too. Even with years of therapy and medication to help me I still can’t make up for the love my mother didn’t show me when I was a little child. I can never trust that people love me or even like me at all. I’m always on edge expecting people to turn against me. I’ve lost some really close friends by being unable to accept that they cared about me.

I know that it’s not as simple as “just leave” but the injustice of it still exasperates me, and breaks my heart. I don’t even know what to say... You have the RIGHT to be happy and to live your own life, I guess. I hope that’s not patronising.
Thank you for understanding.

It's not that we don't have fun sometimes, so my strategy right now is to just go off and cry when I need to, post here, watch Youtube videos that make me smile, etc. I try to keep busy with hobbies and working. I accept my position but some days it gets really exhausting and I just break down. He doesn't even know why sometimes. He even hugged me today but he didn't even know why I was crying. Some part of him is a good person. I think he's just got a lot of learned behavior from his mom that he'll never be able to see, and attempting to point this out in the past has lead to....you guessed it...big fights.

He can't do anything wrong in his eyes. It's all me because i have the mental illness. It's a decade old saga. I can't beat it anymore. I will never know what independence feels like.

This is my life. I am leaning into it. He doesn't hit me at least.
 
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MsMaudlin

MsMaudlin

This is the fierce last stand of all I am
Dec 8, 2019
538
1,415
Gosh that made me think of my past marriage.

I just want to tell you that I hear you, and your feelings are completely validated.

Love & peace
❤
 
Underscore

Underscore

Moebius Potato
Jul 31, 2018
3,811
7,469
I hear you too. That's such a difficult situation to be in. I don't have any practical advice for you but I feel I have to reply just to say I've read your post and I'm sorry things are so tough.
 
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timf

Member
Mar 26, 2020
25
30
I think you mentioned that you have said hurtful things before (in response to being hurt yourself). This is a natural human reaction, but it tends towards escalation. You might want to experiment with an alternative tactic. For example when you are criticized, you might want to consider responding with, "Do you know how much it hurts when you say that", or "Are you angry and want to hurt me when you say that".

Sometimes being called to give an account can make a person uncomfortable enough to begin to modify his actions.
 
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FireFox

FireFox

Wise
Apr 8, 2020
281
616
I do not know where else to post this. Maybe I shouldn't post it at all.

I think the remainder of my life is going to be very very sad, however long it lasts. I try everyday to fight to get better but I'm starting to feel like it isn't enough and it never will be.

My husband has convinced all our friends that I'm the bad guy, so if I were to leave, I'd have nothing. Everything I own and everything I love is in this house and I might have to turn my back on it completely. I am too much of a coward to do it because I keep second guessing myself, that I'm not actually in an abusive relationship and that I'm the abuser, not him.

Have I hurt him? Yes. Of course I've done hurtful things.

I'm starting to realize that many of the hurtful things I have done to him were out of anger for the constant correcting and nitpicking. I have never felt safe in this marriage. First it was his mother who didn't think I was good enough, and he was under her spell. Then he shed her from his life and I thought things would get better, but he was still critical of me. My parents didn't really raise me right. I know it's probably frustrating to be married to someone like me because of those things, but I also have a lot of friends who tell me I'm amazing, how they wish I could see what they see, and how I'm not anywhere near as bad as I think I am. Even my husband says these things, sometimes, too. But at home I don't feel it. I feel like I'm constantly being corrected and criticized. It's like death by a thousand paper cuts. I feel like everywhere I turn I run into another rule that I missed. Another interpersonal thing I failed at. I'm becoming so exhausted and hypersensitive that it's really no wonder I scream at him sometimes out of nowhere.

I was neglected emotionally and was never taught how to do things, never taught to be an adult. I was not allowed to work in high school and college so I never learned how to have a real job. I found ways to make money but they were very low stakes student "jobs" that weren't actually in any way close to a real job. My dad yelled all the time. Screamed and yelled and cursed and threatened suicide. I grew up scared. So yeah, I didn't develop properly and I struggle with a lot of basic adult tasks. I have trouble finding full time work and I have never been able to make much money or support myself without someone's help. I know that probably makes me a really annoying partner but I'm not a bad person. I don't deserve to feel under attack all the time. I am not as bad as the constant criticism makes me feel.

I don't think I can leave. I think I am stuck here. Everything I love is here. My cat, the house we remodeled, my garden, my art supplies, my music instruments, my memories, everything I own. Every job I have had, the money went into this life. If I leave, I have nothing. I don't talk to my family. I can't burden friends. I have a car but it's 20 years old and on it's last leg. I don't know how far that car would even get me, if I had to live in it it would be even worse. I can't leave. There's no way.

He's convinced all of our friends that I'm to blame for our marital problems, because I yell at him. But they don't see the other side. He's charismatic and likable, physically fit and healthy and successful. Our friends are enamored of him and I look like a total loser next to him. Nobody would ever believe me. I see exactly what this relationship is, and I can't escape. I have come here to this site because I don't know where else it is safe to tell this story. I am really scared, and I definitely can't leave, so don't tell me to leave or give me advice on ways to leave. I'm aware of all of those ways. I've made phone calls before to try to arrange an escape but I can't do it. There are a lot of reasons I can't. Legally he would destroy me. He's very smart. His brother is a lawyer. I'd never be able to afford to fight for what is mine.

I have to find a way to live my life this way. Maybe become numb, maybe become subservient just to keep the peace. I can't dish it back because when I did that it would cause huge huge fights. I know I'm trapped and I know this is unhealthy and I can't leave. I know I can't die either. I don't know what to do.
@rebelsue
I like you rebelsue. I never learned how to be an adult either it so nice talking to someone about it . I feel so bad i cant help you.

I dont know how to advise on this diffcult sistuation. If i only i could help and find the right answers and solution. I am so sorry. All i can really be is a friend.

All you want is to be free. From your posts it is clear.

If only you had the courage to leave the asshole and also to tell your toxic parents to f**ck off.
I know this sounds crazy( oh wait i am)
Have you ever felt like packing bag , moving to a new town where no one knows who you really are, cutting your hair or dyeing it I do
Have you have crossed the candian border with your car?
Keep talking us on this forum.

I hope you have a happy ending. You deserve one.
I really hope i mean this
I hope you divorce your husband

I hope you pack a bag, move to differnet state and start again.

Love FireFox
 
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summermoon

Member
May 24, 2020
11
16
@rebelsue I get you. Things are messy, Let me tell you something about my past relationship and perhaps you can get something out of it.

My ex gf had similar complaints to yours, till date even after many years I am not sure which of us was at fault. The point is she found someone else to rely on and moved on and is very sucessful right now.

Back then when we were engaged, I was the popular and successful party and she was in the background with few friends, the house we lived in was in my name and her identity in the society was linked to mine.

So I guess it was definitely tough for her to move on from a long relationship, only blessing being no kids were involved.

I do hope things get better for you too.
 
R

rebelsue

Hope Addict
Dec 12, 2019
167
573
@rebelsue I get you. Things are messy, Let me tell you something about my past relationship and perhaps you can get something out of it.

My ex gf had similar complaints to yours, till date even after many years I am not sure which of us was at fault. The point is she found someone else to rely on and moved on and is very sucessful right now.

Back then when we were engaged, I was the popular and successful party and she was in the background with few friends, the house we lived in was in my name and her identity in the society was linked to mine.

So I guess it was definitely tough for her to move on from a long relationship, only blessing being no kids were involved.

I do hope things get better for you too.
Leaving is not really an option for me so hopefully i can figure out how to be successful and have my own identity while still being married.

@rebelsue
I like you rebelsue. I never learned how to be an adult either it so nice talking to someone about it . I feel so bad i cant help you.

I dont know how to advise on this diffcult sistuation. If i only i could help and find the right answers and solution. I am so sorry. All i can really be is a friend.

All you want is to be free. From your posts it is clear.

If only you had the courage to leave the asshole and also to tell your toxic parents to f**ck off.
I know this sounds crazy( oh wait i am)
Have you ever felt like packing bag , moving to a new town where no one knows who you really are, cutting your hair or dyeing it I do
Have you have crossed the candian border with your car?
Keep talking us on this forum.

I hope you have a happy ending. You deserve one.
I really hope i mean this
I hope you divorce your husband

I hope you pack a bag, move to differnet state and start again.

Love FireFox
I don't want to start again. I have rebooted my life at least 4 times already. No more rebooting. I'm committing to dying here, whether it's tomorrow or 50 years from now. I need to make this work. He doesn't hit me and he isn't always critical. He's also my best friend. We have a lot of fun together, too, and a lot of big plans for our future. I just need to find a way to make myself an identity under these circumstances. I need to find a way to feel confident that I could do it on my own if I had to, but I don't really feel like it would be fair to just "pack a bag and move to another state" -- I am turning 40 this year. If I was in my 20s that would be a possibility. I'd still have my whole life ahead of me. But not now. My life is half over now in the best case scenario. I said specifically in my post not to tell me to leave. It just makes me think I should, and i can't think that because it isn't an option and it will just make me more anxious and more stressed out.

Do you know how hard it is to get divorced when you co-own a home, let alone a literal homestead? This life we have here is rooted into the land. It's not just some generic house. Young people have no idea how serious marriage is. I definitely didn't. it's not just like having a boyfriend that you share a house with. You're legally tied together and "just packing a bag and going" would take several years out of my life to negotiate. It's not some frivolous thing. Please think before you type. Your post is really stressing me out. I'm not doing it.
 
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FireFox

FireFox

Wise
Apr 8, 2020
281
616
Leaving is not really an option for me so hopefully i can figure out how to be successful and have my own identity while still being married.


I don't want to start again. I have rebooted my life at least 4 times already. No more rebooting. I'm committing to dying here, whether it's tomorrow or 50 years from now. I need to make this work. He doesn't hit me and he isn't always critical. He's also my best friend. We have a lot of fun together, too, and a lot of big plans for our future. I just need to find a way to make myself an identity under these circumstances. I need to find a way to feel confident that I could do it on my own if I had to, but I don't really feel like it would be fair to just "pack a bag and move to another state" -- I am turning 40 this year. If I was in my 20s that would be a possibility. I'd still have my whole life ahead of me. But not now. My life is half over now in the best case scenario. I said specifically in my post not to tell me to leave. It just makes me think I should, and i can't think that because it isn't an option and it will just make me more anxious and more stressed out.

Do you know how hard it is to get divorced when you co-own a home, let alone a literal homestead? This life we have here is rooted into the land. It's not just some generic house. Young people have no idea how serious marriage is. I definitely didn't. it's not just like having a boyfriend that you share a house with. You're legally tied together and "just packing a bag and going" would take several years out of my life to negotiate. It's not some frivolous thing. Please think before you type. Your post is really stressing me out. I'm not doing it.
@rebelsue sorry for my post
 
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rebelsue

Hope Addict
Dec 12, 2019
167
573
@rebelsue I get you. Things are messy, Let me tell you something about my past relationship and perhaps you can get something out of it.
Here's what I got out of your post:

I am now very depressed and anxious because I'd love to be "very successful" and since your ex girlfriend had to leave in order for her to achieve this, I am now wondering if I really do need to leave if I am ever going to be happy. And since that is not an option for me, I guess I will never be "very successful" and I will live out my life never having tapped my potential or knowing who I really am.

So...nope. I feel worse. thanks.