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thank you for coming to my birthday party (even if you didn’t come)

ghostspace

ghostspace

ghost space, ghosts pace
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
400
I posted this on the end of my birthday party thread (the happier one, not the one where I wanted to die and cried a lot halfway through the day) but I wanted to extend it also to everyone here, which is why I’m posting here so everyone can see it. I still greatly loathe myself and am very intent on CTB, but thanks to those who were with me through today, I felt happy and alive, like a real human being.

I think that this is how I would explain this site to people who don’t understand: I’m allowed to exist here as I am and am given gentle, constant support that I can lean on to live another day, if that is what I choose.

Here is my thank-you note to all of you:


❀ ✿ ❁ ✾ ✽ ❃ ❋
Dear SS,

Thank you for helping me through my birthday, it allowed me to actually enjoy the day instead of accidentally killing myself orstaying in a phobic, depressed bubble. I’m really glad I went on with the day and am so grateful for the strength and support I received here. I want you all to know that even if it didn’t feel like much, you made a significant positive impact on me, which I will remember and treasure for the rest of my life.

I’m so pleased I was able to go out with my mom and to Whole Foods because I got to gift the cashier a cat button I made and she seemed happy about it and remembered me from last time I came through with buttons. I want to give art to everyone even though I don’t always have the energy for that.

I had a vegan chocolate chip cookie which was amazing and didn’t even taste like store chemicals but actually was sweet, soft, and nice. My mom and I chatted about all sorts of things and I felt close to her and thankful that I have a parent who cares for me because I didn’t always as we weren’t always close.

It always rains a bit on my birthday and it has today, which is lovely because I like how the air gets, windy and warm and a little damp, as the leaves swirl around all whispery through parking lots and it feels like fall is coming, fall is here.

The sky is cloudy and blue-gray. I’m curled up in my fold-out canvas chair and typing this by the glow of the kitchen light. I can see my books all lined up neatly on top of the cabinets through the reflection in the window and that reversed perspective somehow makes me feel cozier and settled—like this apartment is home and I’m certain of it.

I’m up above the sixth floor so it’s a long way down and if I open up the window, the air will billow through in a tremendous, strident whirl. The papers on my art supply shelves will rustle and settle and droplets of liquid will cling to the soft hairs on my arms.

I can see all the way down the adjacent neighborhood, where little families wind down behind yellow windows. Children take their worn, soft toys to bed with them in sheets that smell like their house does when they come home from school. They burrow down beneath blankets that stay rumpled in the morning and count their glow-in-the-dark star stickers with their whirring imaginations and feel safe, loved, and important.

My cats are napping in feathery piles; their tiny eyelashes flutter with dreams. Sometimes they think they’re nibbling on something tasty and make nomming noises and move their pink tongues about. They are warm and content.

It is September 28, 2020 7:12 PM. I am 23 years old, my heart is full of loving kindness, and the world around me is peaceful and still; even the shadows are gentle shades of periwinkle blues.

I love you all fully and dearly and am ever so grateful to have come across such a interesting, world-worn, genuine community of kind, compassionate, and caring strangers who don’t really feel like strangers at all sometimes.

I’m writing this in vivid detail because I want it to be evidence, proof that cannot ever be erased, that I, ghost, felt real happiness and joy at 7:16 PM on my birthday. I also want those of you who are in less glowing places to come in to my home through my words and take vicarious comfort in these things, if you are able.

I love you, I love you, thank you for coming to my birthday party.
I hope that you enjoyed yourself and that at least this letter reaches you wherever you may be. I also hope that you are able to feel my happiness from so far away and taste the birthday cookie I have so carefully enclosed.

How special it is that we’re all here together right now, people who otherwise would never have met. I sincerely hope that whatever you need finds you and that you move forward peacefully into the future. You deserve nothing less.


your friend,
ghost

❀ ✿ ❁ ✾ ✽ ❃ ❋
 
Last edited:
Lilacmoon

Lilacmoon

Raven riding Eagle
Joined
Sep 23, 2020
Messages
754
ghost, your writing is beautiful and I can relate with it really strongly. I am glad that you had support and ears to lean on during your birthday - this place can be really supportive. it feels like I am bonding with people here faster than I do with people out in the real world.

the colors are a nice touch, of course.
 
RoseyBird

RoseyBird

Angelic
Joined
Jan 20, 2020
Messages
3,116
I’m glad we were able to bring joy to your birthday. I see so much love and sadness in how you write. Not just here, but all posts. It makes me happy you come back and spent your birthday with us. If can be such a hard time of year.
 
ghostspace

ghostspace

ghost space, ghosts pace
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
400
ghost, your writing is beautiful and I can relate with it really strongly. I am glad that you had support and ears to lean on during your birthday - this place can be really supportive. it feels like I am bonding with people here faster than I do with people out in the real world.

the colors are a nice touch, of course.
we do tend to cut to the real stuff quite quickly here, don’t we? it’s nice to not have the burden of putting on a front around others. ♡
 
Sinkinshyp

Sinkinshyp

Arcanist
Joined
Sep 7, 2020
Messages
582
I enjoyed your writing. I almost felt like I was right there sitting with you tasting that vegan chocolate chip cookie. I'm so glad we are able to help you in good times and tough times. I love how kind everyone here is and you are one of those kind souls who touch our hearts. Happy 23rd birthday friend sending you hugs and love :hug:
 
ghostspace

ghostspace

ghost space, ghosts pace
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
400
I enjoyed your writing. I almost felt like I was right there sitting with you tasting that vegan chocolate chip cookie. I'm so glad we are able to help you in good times and tough times. I love how kind everyone here is and you are one of those kind souls who touch our hearts. Happy 23rd birthday friend sending you hugs and love :hug:
thank you, Sink, your presence always brightens my day and your insights are always thoughtful, inspiring, and appreciated ♡ *:・゚✧ ✧゚・: (love and hugs received and felt deeply ❀ ✿ ❁ ✾ ✽ ❃ ❋)
This is beautiful! Thanks, for sharing!
thank you, lonely dinosaur dude *:・゚✧ ✧゚・: thank you for taking time out of your day to read ♡
 
pannazidofski

pannazidofski

Veteran
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
182
I really enjoyed your writing. I hope you don't take that as empty flattery. I really love how you just described everything you felt with as much emotion as you could. I apologize if this comes out weird, the words that I am trying to say keep coming across to me as false... I really liked how you described the strangers on this site as folks who feel as if they're not strangers at times. How wonderful it would be if we kept breaking down the walls in such a way. Just your words are so nice. Looking at your words, if feels wrong that you should ever feel the need to ctb, you're a beautiful person who is not afraid to type such wonderful things without any fear whatsoever of people's judgement or embarressment. I may not have been apart of that original thread, but I'm happy that you are having a good birthday now. No one should ever feel sad and lonely on their birthday, and so even if it was online, I'm glad that you were able to find some joy. I hope that you can continue to feel more feelings like this.
 
ghostspace

ghostspace

ghost space, ghosts pace
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
400
I really enjoyed your writing. I hope you don't take that as empty flattery. I really love how you just described everything you felt with as much emotion as you could. I apologize if this comes out weird, the words that I am trying to say keep coming across to me as false... I really liked how you described the strangers on this site as folks who feel as if they're not strangers at times. How wonderful it would be if we kept breaking down the walls in such a way. Just your words are so nice. Looking at your words, if feels wrong that you should ever feel the need to ctb, you're a beautiful person who is not afraid to type such wonderful things without any fear whatsoever of people's judgement or embarressment. I may not have been apart of that original thread, but I'm happy that you are having a good birthday now. No one should ever feel sad and lonely on their birthday, and so even if it was online, I'm glad that you were able to find some joy. I hope that you can continue to feel more feelings like this.
I don’t take it as empty flattery or coming off as false at all, it makes me feel like my time here is worthwhile if I can do anything good for anyone else here in my same position, and it warms my heart that my words had an effect on you. They came from a deeply sincere place in me and being able to share openly here with you is such a privilege.

You are so kind to say those things, it’s genuinely brought tears to my eyes as I’m so touched by this community and all it’s individual refugees such as yourself.

Strangers we are, perhaps, in the technical sense, but can you really be a stranger to those who can see the rawest, most real version of your very being and embrace it with gentle arms, empathy, and acceptance? We are so special in that soul connection and I am stirred by how strong it is, a tether that runs through the most of us here and gives us a sense of security we may not have otherwise had.

I am flooded with appreciation and pride that you mentioned noticing a lack of ‘fear whatsoever of people's judgement or embarrassment’ as honesty and authenticity is something I’ve struggled with and worked hard for over the years. I’m proud that I’ve managed to grow as a person to the extent others can see.

This thread is for you and anyone else who wasn’t a part of the original. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me as they have brought me comfort and a sense that I’m not as pointless as I may feel at times.

Take such good care of yourself, you are deserving and I consider it a privilege to have had the chance to meet and interact so honestly with you.


❀ ✿ ❁ ✾ ✽ ❃ ❋
 
DeathNoot

DeathNoot

Veteran
Joined
Feb 19, 2020
Messages
123
You write beautifully, I'm a bit of a speed reader and tend to skip through things, but I always find myself taking my time with your posts. Happy Birthday again :) I see you found more than just one moment of joy and I'm very happy about it. You deserve it! I wish you even more peaceful days in your future, however long that lasts <3
 

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