Surgery in 6 days, moving forward

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RainAndSadness

RainAndSadness

Staff
Jun 12, 2018
1,038
6,105
Hello everyone. Long time no see, I guess. I want to report back with some news and updates on my life:

I will finally have my voice feminization surgery (I'm transgender) in 6 days. It was scheduled for April initially but it was delayed for May due to COVID-19 and then it was delayed again but - things are going well, they finally scheduled it for July 3rd and that's coming very soon. I'll be checking into the hospital on the 2nd already though for some checkups. The goal of this procedure - obviously - is bringing my voice from a stereotypical male range to a female range. There are different methods to achieve that but they will basically shorten my vocal cords and I won't be able to use my voice for at least 2 weeks. The vocal cords need to heal before I'm allowed to use my voice again. I hope it will permanently remove some of my gender dysphoria that is associated with my voice. I'll give you an update on the situation once I woke up from my anesthesia.

I also finally moved into my own apartment back in March. And that's one the reasons why I wasn't that active in the last 3 months - it turned out the apartment wasn't that great and I had very noisy neighbors. They would make noise late into the night and prevent me from sleeping. As a result, I was constantly stressed out very badly and I decided to move back to my mom a few weeks ago - and it finally happened and I'm writing this post from my old room again. I'll be looking for a new apartment very soon, this time in a city and I'll be more careful in picking an apartment for myself. I'm a very noise-sensitive person and I need my peace. Noise just increases my stress level, which also increases my benzo usage... not very healthy. So yeah, that project kinda failed, I guess. But I can live with that kind of setback, it's not really a big issue.

But there are more good news: the disability insurance finally accepted my case and I will receive financial support from them very soon. They're still calculating things but it should - at least I hope so - improve my financial situation and therefore also increase the quality of my life significantly. I think being able to spend some money is a great privilege and I hope I won't live in such severe poverty anymore very soon. And that's good news, considering they wanted to reject my application at first, because I never was able to pay into the system - because I never was able to work and earn money - because I was dysfunctional from a very early age. Quite interesting how a system can fuck you over so badly and still refuse to grant you any support or assistance, right?
But some things happened behind the background, my psychiatrist apparently did some things and they finally classified my struggles as a 'premature disability'. That means if you suffer from a disability before the age of 23, that prevents you from working and earning money, you get disability support regardless if you paid into the system. And that's basically what saved me in the end, because if that didn't happen, I would have faced a very difficult life in poverty. They didn't consider me to be prematurely disabled at first because I applied for the disability insurance with 25 years, that means I was 2 years late but they changed their mind luckily. And all of my medical documents confirm the premature disability anyway. I suffered from serious mental struggles from a very early age, like I literally wanted to ctb when I was 14 years old due to severe bullying and neglect and the mental consequences of those traumatic events still haunt me to this day.

...it's important to keep in mind though, that doesn't mean I will receive disability support for the rest of my life. It's possible they will plug the support as suddenly and arbitrarily as they accepted my application and this could throw me into a very shitty situation again. But for now, things are looking promising on the financial side and I'll gladly take that.
But considering my problems are entirely of mental nature and psychiatrists seem to think all mental disorders are curable for some reason, it's possible they will push me into psychiatric treatment and other uncomfortable situations like that in the foreseeable future, like therapy, medication, intensive hospitalization, you know the stick... my therapists have been trying to push me into some more intensive kind of psychiatric care in the past but I've protested all of that so far. I will never ever ever see the inside of a psychiatric hospital, considering their pro-life bias and I really doubt that's what I really need. I've tried therapy and medication in the past and it didn't really solve anything. I also believe my suicidality and my depression are a inherent part of my life, with my gender dysphoria, my social anxiety and my borderline personality disorder. It's possible to treat them to some extend for sure and I'm doing that with my gender dysphoria right now, that's why I'm doing the surgery but I will never ever enjoy a life without those conditions, I'm very certain of that. Those disorders have been a part of my life since my childhood and they've somehow become a part of my personality over the years, as weird as that sounds. I'd like to go into details but I'm deviating from the topic...

So yeah, that's what happened in the last 3 months - and I received my N, I consider this to be the best news out of all of them. I'll report back once I wake up from the anesthesia after the surgery - hopefully with some more great updates. I'll see you on the 3rd of July.
 
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foreverlikethestars

foreverlikethestars

And this will be ours,
Jun 23, 2020
19
41
minnesota
Hey out of curiosity how long did it take you to save for your surgery. i'm badly wanting FFS but im young for this board and just started working on and off a year ago
 
Soul

Soul

gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
Apr 12, 2019
3,898
8,087
@RainAndSadness, my beautiful, I'm glad to hear all this good news showering down on you! It droppeth like a gentle rain from heaven xo
 
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RainAndSadness

RainAndSadness

Staff
Jun 12, 2018
1,038
6,105
Thank you all. :heart:

Hey out of curiosity how long did it take you to save for your surgery. i'm badly wanting FFS but im young for this board and just started working on and off a year ago
The voice surgery is covered by the insurance here in Switzerland but I don't know if that also applies to my FFS. I know the FFS costs around 30k bucks, so saving up for this surgery would probably take a few years at least. But I hope I can convince my insurance to cover that surgery, we're still working on that with my therapists. This would be my next and probably last surgery for a while.
 
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Eren

Eren

Si hablas español mándame un MP
Oct 27, 2018
744
3,319
I'm really glad that you're still here, I wish you the best and that you do very well with the surgery.
 
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foreverlikethestars

foreverlikethestars

And this will be ours,
Jun 23, 2020
19
41
minnesota
Thank you all. :heart:



The voice surgery is covered by the insurance here in Switzerland but I don't know if that also applies to my FFS. I know the FFS costs around 30k bucks, so saving up for this surgery would probably take a few years at least. But I hope I can convince my insurance to cover that surgery, we're still working on that with my therapists. This would be my next and probably last surgery for a while.
Gotcha ok. I hope you get what you need to feel comfortable with yourself - I know dysphoria can be a massive catalyst for suicidal ideation. I'm in the US so I think I am fucked
 
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RainAndSadness

RainAndSadness

Staff
Jun 12, 2018
1,038
6,105
Hello everyone.

There I am again. As you can see, I survived. The surgery went great according to my surgeons. I woke up around 3 hours ago, I felt very okay right away. The surgery apparently took 90 minutes, I was unconcious for around 3 hours. Right now I feel mediocre pain in my neck but I get pain medication. The surgery included work on the vocal cords, which was performed through my mouth and they also reduced my adams apple. They had to perform a little cut on my neck for that one. My voice is pretty much dead right now, even if I wanted to speak, I couldn't. I'm not gonna be allowed to use my voice for at least 2 weeks because my vocal cords need to heal and talking/coughing could cause some damage and worsen the results and quality of the voice. So yeah, I'm basically mute for a while.

I liked the moment when they injected some opiates right before the anasthesia though. I imagine that's what blacking out from N feels like. I was super dizzy and went dark in just a few seconds. It felt extreme but it was a good feeling. And yeah, the anesthesia itself is interesting. I basically forgot that I ever existed right until I woke up again, that's when i realized "oh, I'm still here". Not sure if that's comparable to death but the kind of non-existence I experienced when I was gone was kinda cool.

I can leave the hospital tomorrow, according to the doctors. There is still a tube attached to my neck for bleeding but they will pull that one tomorrow (apparently doesn't hurt one little bit). So yeah, things are looking good right now.
 
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cryptic__egg

cryptic__egg

Arcanist
May 9, 2020
579
3,453
Good job boyo, a big load of surgery like that is a lot to go through and we're all proud of you. Hope you're doing well and happy with the changes!
 
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rhiino

rhiino

Wise
May 13, 2020
298
484
Germany
I am glad you are alright surgery-wise.

I liked the moment when they injected some opiates right before the anasthesia though. I imagine that's what blacking out from N feels like. I was super dizzy and went dark in just a few seconds. It felt extreme but it was a good feeling. And yeah, the anesthesia itself is interesting. I basically forgot that I ever existed right until I woke up again, that's when i realized "oh, I'm still here". Not sure if that's comparable to death but the kind of non-existence I experienced when I was gone was kinda cool.
Oh yes, I know that feeling and I expect N to be similar, just a peaceful passing out and then never waking up again.
 
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