[Story] Starting partial hospitalization tomorrow

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nnnerve

nnnerve

im so depressed i cant even blink
Jun 19, 2019
261
514
Everything happened really fast, but I've spent years begging for help beyond weekly therapy / medication management and now it's here!! And I feel sick!!!

I haven't left the house like this in years. I can't remember the last time I was out and alone for more than an hour. I'll be completely on my own with no way home for around 7 hours. No matter how often I reframe the thoughts and try to look at it objectively, I can't shake the feeling that this is a really bad decision and I'm going to regret it and why am I even doing this to myself, or anything for that matter, and maybe I really would be better off just dying.

Refusing to go even once after so long of begging for help doesn't make much sense and seems pretty ungrateful. All this anxiety and pain is just to show up one time. I know I can't afford to think any farther ahead than that, but the big picture keeps looming over me. All this for what? I've been taking the same baby steps in a big circle my whole life. What's different about this time?

This whole situation has made me re-realize how alone I am in this. The last time I tried partial hospitalization was five years ago and I still had a few people I could reach out to for support or encouragement. So much has changed.

No idea how I'm going to sleep tonight to be honest. I'm already trembling and sweating.
 
Squiddy

Squiddy

Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
Sep 4, 2019
3,152
5,116
I'm sure you'll do fine. I'm in partial hospitalization currently. It's going ok for me. It's helping a little. A part of me still kinda wishes for SN though.
 
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nnnerve

nnnerve

im so depressed i cant even blink
Jun 19, 2019
261
514
Thank you guys :heart: I managed about 3 hours of sleep and woke up needing to vomit, but Im making it there anyway @[email protected] I feel less anxious right now than I expected. Still really sweaty but coping with it!!

I'm sure you'll do fine. I'm in partial hospitalization currently. It's going ok for me. It's helping a little. A part of me still kinda wishes for SN though.

I'm glad you're getting at least something out of it. I did partial twice during high school and people would ask me how I felt about it and it was just "well I like it better than being at school."

That ambivalence gets so painful. Having SN to fall back on makes things less scary but its like everything I do has to be that much more deliberate since death is right there in my sock drawer. I guess its a good sign we're both trying despite being so ambivalent. That indicates some sort of will to live.
 
ceasetobreathe03

ceasetobreathe03

Illuminated
Dec 20, 2019
1,105
1,134
Wishing you the best of luck towards your recovery :hug: The first step can always be scary, but remember that this is a very big step in a good direction. This is a big deal and you really can do this ❤ I think you'll maybe start to feel a little more comfortable after a couple of hours there :)
 
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nnnerve

nnnerve

im so depressed i cant even blink
Jun 19, 2019
261
514
Ready to give up :(

I spent like 10 minutes trying to sit in the same room as the group while I did paperwork but couldn't withstand listening to it. I had a quiet little panic attack until I got called out of the room for more paperwork. One of the clinicians is letting me stay in her office instead of going back to the group.

I mean I guess I met my goal of lasting a whole day, even if it's alone in someone's office :/

Wishing you the best of luck towards your recovery :hug: The first step can always be scary, but remember that this is a very big step in a good direction. This is a big deal and you really can do this ❤ I think you'll maybe start to feel a little more comfortable after a couple of hours there :)
This isn't my first step though. I've been doing this for years. My entire life has been one step forward, five steps back, all in this big circle. "Recovery" isn't even a goal for me, I just want to be semi-functional and it seems like that's not all too realistic either.

I'm so disappointed in myself.
 
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Squiddy

Squiddy

Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
Sep 4, 2019
3,152
5,116
Ready to give up :(

I spent like 10 minutes trying to sit in the same room as the group while I did paperwork but couldn't withstand listening to it. I had a quiet little panic attack until I got called out of the room for more paperwork. One of the clinicians is letting me stay in her office instead of going back to the group.

I mean I guess I met my goal of lasting a whole day, even if it's alone in someone's office :/



This isn't my first step though. I've been doing this for years. My entire life has been one step forward, five steps back, all in this big circle. "Recovery" isn't even a goal for me, I just want to be semi-functional and it seems like that's not all too realistic either.

I'm so disappointed in myself.
Aww sorry that happened. Hopefully, you can be in the room panic attack free tomorrow :)
 
nnnerve

nnnerve

im so depressed i cant even blink
Jun 19, 2019
261
514
Aww sorry that happened. Hopefully, you can be in the room panic attack free tomorrow :)
I hope so too. I'd settle for fewer panic attacks at least!!

I ended up trapped back in the group room and now I have to sit here for another hour and a half trying not to cry too loudly and then I can finally go home. This sucks so much. I really think this was a bad idea.
 
Squiddy

Squiddy

Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
Sep 4, 2019
3,152
5,116
I hope so too. I'd settle for fewer panic attacks at least!!

I ended up trapped back in the group room and now I have to sit here for another hour and a half trying not to cry too loudly and then I can finally go home. This sucks so much. I really think this was a bad idea.
At least you're trying. Maybe tomorrow will go better
 
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RileyTanaka

RileyTanaka

ill / failure
Mar 20, 2020
169
374
That ambivalence gets so painful. Having SN to fall back on makes things less scary but its like everything I do has to be that much more deliberate since death is right there in my sock drawer. I guess its a good sign we're both trying despite being so ambivalent. That indicates some sort of will to live.
The choice of death should definitely be a deliberate one. This is your life, after all and no one will value it more than you. I really wish you luck with partial. I did it 8 years ago and found it a good experience, but I had to stop b/c I couldn't afford it anymore. Pls keep us updated.
 
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Myforevercharlie

Myforevercharlie

Wizard
Feb 13, 2020
634
1,418
At least you're trying. Maybe tomorrow will go better
:hug::hug:
Don't give up so easily.. You choose this way with a reason. And really it doesn't matter your first day went not that good...
 
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C

catmom13

Member
Apr 29, 2020
23
36
How did you like it? I find that due to the time commitment, the group discussion quality tends to be higher and there's a higher level of trust compared to say, IOP.
 
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nnnerve

nnnerve

im so depressed i cant even blink
Jun 19, 2019
261
514
Aaaaaaaa thanks for so many nice replies :') @ceasetobreathe03 you too I was panicking too much the other day to have manners lol

I got home Tuesday super exhausted but I guess that's probably because it went well. Today too!

I thought about it, and on Monday I was kinda tossed into the deep end of the pool as far as anxiety. The group had already started and I had no idea who the facilitator was and I wasn't really acknowledged when I entered the room. It was so uncomfortable that I have to wonder if it was intentional. Someone started the day after me and walked in with the same deer-in-headlights look.

So it was a relief that I didnt get anxious at all once I actually knew what to expect. I'm pleasantly surprised with how everything is going!! There's this big sense of "I don't have much more time to fuck around" in my mind, but I wasn't sure if that would translate to anything since it never has before. It's a good sign to me that I'm being earnest and not just dicking around or playing mind games as usual.

Even before covid, I only left the house once or twice a week, so this is wiping me out @[email protected] Not that I'm complaining, I'm just surprised how tired someone can get sitting around and talking the entire day!!
 
Myforevercharlie

Myforevercharlie

Wizard
Feb 13, 2020
634
1,418
I'm really happy it went that well!! :hug:
 
ceasetobreathe03

ceasetobreathe03

Illuminated
Dec 20, 2019
1,105
1,134
Aaaaaaaa thanks for so many nice replies :') @ceasetobreathe03 you too I was panicking too much the other day to have manners lol

I got home Tuesday super exhausted but I guess that's probably because it went well. Today too!

I thought about it, and on Monday I was kinda tossed into the deep end of the pool as far as anxiety. The group had already started and I had no idea who the facilitator was and I wasn't really acknowledged when I entered the room. It was so uncomfortable that I have to wonder if it was intentional. Someone started the day after me and walked in with the same deer-in-headlights look.

So it was a relief that I didnt get anxious at all once I actually knew what to expect. I'm pleasantly surprised with how everything is going!! There's this big sense of "I don't have much more time to fuck around" in my mind, but I wasn't sure if that would translate to anything since it never has before. It's a good sign to me that I'm being earnest and not just dicking around or playing mind games as usual.

Even before covid, I only left the house once or twice a week, so this is wiping me out @[email protected] Not that I'm complaining, I'm just surprised how tired someone can get sitting around and talking the entire day!!
This is so good to hear!! Big hugs! :hug:
 
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