the truecel buddhist
- Jan 17, 2020
I met some people in internet which was happy with life but they also wanted to ctb. Why? Do you know some cases like that?
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I feel very similar. Often I get into super happy motivated moods. Then I work on some project of mine and forget the world. But sometimes I get too focused and let things slide. Like housework and things. It's bad but it's also good because my mind is too distracted to have bad thoughts.I guess it depends on the person. Being bipolar my mood swings up and down. For a few months I’ll be depressed and then I’ll be completely euphoric for a few weeks. It’s exhausting. But no matter which state I’m in there’s a voice that says “this isn’t sustainable. You can’t live like this.”
I should be happy. I got talent and potential, a goal with a path that I can see, I got friends, an education, my own home...I got things most people don't. And yet I'm in turmoil. Every day is a day of sufferings. Some days, the pain is more relaxed, and I can flow through easily, but others, the pressure can be so intense I either barely hold it together, or I became very tired and now have to fight to stay awake. I should be happy, and yet the past and present merge with my mind to put me through a storm of confusion and agony. Kind of makes me feel guilty, since you all go through much worse...I do hope you all find what you seek soon, because you all deserve peace. I wish you the best in finding and succeeding with it, my friends, I truly do :)
I was happy until 28. I never gave ctb a thought till then. Now I’m suicidal and would take a bullet right fucking now. It’s all fate and it can fuck right off. Sorry about the vent.
Thanks for the explanation. So if you can't walk anymore you would become depressed right?im not depressed , I love life , I love walking but cant walk anymore ive got parkinsons and when it gets too bad ill have to end it , simple as that . Probably later this year have to see how it progresses .
Me too man, I can understand you completly.Even when I felt happy with the life I had I remember one night still feeling so overwhelmed by my emotions like I wanted to explode and be part of the universe (die and go back “home”, whatever that means) and crying. Weirdest experience I’ve ever had. I don’t understand the obsession I’ve had with the idea of death.
What is the reason?I was happy until 28. I never gave ctb a thought till then. Now I’m suicidal and would take a bullet right fucking now. It’s all fate and it can fuck right off. Sorry about the vent.
I'm sorry man, I hope you can find peace.I cannot really say that I am "happy" and still want to ctb, but it's close. I am not old and I do not have any condition which is terminal. I have no financial problems (yet ! we'll see where we stand after the Coronavirus crisis...), a decent lifestyle, numerous friends, and I am part of a good, supportive community in my work environment. I love my work, I love being with my friends, and I do not have any mental illnesses or conditions, I'd even say I'm emotionally quite stable. That's on the plus side of life.
BUT - and here we go for the minus: I have two chronic uncurable physical conditions which have completely transformed my body. From a good-looking, athletic appearance, and mainly due to the fact that I cannot do any sports or even take long walks because of my ilnesses, I have turned into a barely mobile, disgusting fat blob, with some horrible skin conditions added on top to make it worse. My wife left me last year after being married for 8 years because I had become so sexually unattractive and I was not able to share her mobile, dynamic lifestyle anymore (I am not able to travel, unless it's in the car, walk through a city or through a countryside etc.). I could see it coming for some years but when it happenned it still destroyed all my silly romantic ideas of eternal love. So relationships for me are over, and I won't even have casual sex, I would be too embarrassed about my body to take my clothes off in front of anyone. So no more love, no more sex for the rest of my life. I had a bad fall from the staircase last year which left me with a fractured skull and it ripped off my olfactory nerve, so I permanently lost my sense of smell and taste. Just imagine a life without being able to smell perfume, freshly cut grass, not being able to taste any of the foods you ingest ! I used to love cooking and fine dining was one of my main pleasures in life. All gone. And lastly, my physical condition makes me continuously deteriorate physically, I am hardly able to walk, lift my arms or do anything much apart from typing on a keyboard. I am also in constant pain, which I can only bear by taking vast amounts of painkillers and anti-inflammatories, with the side-effects that come with them. Every week or so I get a crisis where my blood pressure drops suddenly and I lose consciousness and need an emergency injection of meds. So I always have someone hovering around me checking on me. Annoying, you feel like you're a child again ! There is no hope my condition will improve and I am bound to deteriorate more and more physically as the years go by.
SO? What do you think? Do I have a reason to ctb or not? Yes, I am still mentally functioning, I can still make a valuable contribution to society, and there are things which I can still enjoy. But it come at the price of iron mental discipline, dragging a non-functioning body around and developing a high resistance to pain. I've made my mind up, I have lived my life to the full so far, I am not going to be content with bare survival. Death will be a relief, I can finally rest and do not have to summon up all my strenght every day just to continue living. But of course there will be pro-lifers for sure and maybe even some people here on SS who'll think me silly since I'm sure there are people who have worse problems still than me ! But it's everybody's own choice, isn't it? So please, even if you feel it's cowardly of me to drop out, please do respect my choice !
Sorry this has turned into a long-winded rant, I apologize....but I just wanted to put things in perspective. There is no pre-defined threshhold of life being so unbearable that suicide is an officially recognized acceptable alternative. A person is a free agent and it's up to each single one of us to decide where to set the boundary of what counts as a life worth living.
I feel like I experience this sometimes; other times I am incredibly sad. But the fact that I have happy moments makes me feel like I shouldn't ctb, even though the urge is overwhelming sometimes. In my opinion, sometimes happy people want to ctb because its easier than having to live 100 years on this earth. Life is very painful, usually more dark moments than light for the majority of people, and some of us just don't want to go through that for a lifetime.
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