SN tomorrow morning

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imsorrybear

imsorrybear

Member
Apr 4, 2020
22
117
Im about halfway through stans 48 hour SN regimen. Meto gives me heightened anxiety and some weird side effects which makes me feel like shit and im so scared ill back out because i really have nothing much left to give to my loved ones or myself. Im loved but ive got nothing to give . Im useless. I want to go but im so nervous, and metos side effevts on me are not helping haha.

Anyway, tested my SN with an aquarium nitrite test kit (+ve), wiped browser, search and youtube history as well as laptop files. Threw out suicide note drafts, and things thatll be useless after i die. Yeah thats about it ... Im scared.
 
D

drowinginsorrowww

I dunno
Jan 28, 2020
523
654
UK
Hi, I'm here for the next 24 hours minimum. I've no idea what you're going through as I've rarely been present at goodbye threads, I can hang on with you if you'd like? Idk you and I don't care, if your scared I'm here
edit:how are the aqua strips going?
edit2: im on tor so might take a while to get back but I will within ten mins
edit3: sorry I got mixed up. Errrm things seem to be good opsec-wise (cleared history etc). let us know if I can help at all, best of luck in whatever you wish man
edit4: I do wanna say though, if your scared might be a good idea to talk it over with someone you trust? Like either from here or someone who knows your situation? Idk I'm talking out my ass lol
 
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Dead beat dad

Dead beat dad

Elementalist
Mar 5, 2019
762
2,583
Brother I'm sorry to here you're in this dark place.
We're here to talk if you're scared, there is an abundance of understanding here.
The feeling of feeling like shit it's relatable, for me and many others and I'm sorry that you're feeling this way.
Have you reached out to your loved ones (something that is so much easier to say than do I know)?
Love and respect
DBD
 
E

Emily123

Specialist
May 28, 2019
335
582
Im about halfway through stans 48 hour SN regimen. Meto gives me heightened anxiety and some weird side effects which makes me feel like shit and im so scared ill back out because i really have nothing much left to give to my loved ones or myself. Im loved but ive got nothing to give . Im useless. I want to go but im so nervous, and metos side effevts on me are not helping haha.

Anyway, tested my SN with an aquarium nitrite test kit (+ve), wiped browser, search and youtube history as well as laptop files. Threw out suicide note drafts, and things thatll be useless after i die. Yeah thats about it ... Im scared.
You aren't useless .Maybe you haven't discovered your value . it may be good if youryourself more time if it's the main reason that you want to ctb
 
imsorrybear

imsorrybear

Member
Apr 4, 2020
22
117
Hi, I'm here for the next 24 hours minimum. I've no idea what you're going through as I've rarely been present at goodbye threads, I can hang on with you if you'd like? Idk you and I don't care, if your scared I'm here
edit:how are the aqua strips going?
edit2: im on tor so might take a while to get back but I will within ten mins
edit3: sorry I got mixed up. Errrm things seem to be good opsec-wise (cleared history etc). let us know if I can help at all, best of luck in whatever you wish man
edit4: I do wanna say though, if your scared might be a good idea to talk it over with someone you trust? Like either from here or someone who knows your situation? Idk I'm talking out my ass lol
Hey thanks for working your butt off replying to this. Yeah the aquastrips tested fine and accurately (they tested up to 5mg/l in dark purple) i dont think i want to talk to anyone about this.

Ive posted on a different online forum about killing myself before and someone on there tracked me down and talked to my s/o who rushed out of work just to snap me out of it, i threw about my sn back then and well... I was okay for a week or two but these thoughts came spiralling back no matter how "good' my life is. Im just way too toxic to myself with my disorder and i cant bear it anymore. So to cut it short, no, i dont think i have a choice to talk to someone without being intervened.
Brother I'm sorry to here you're in this dark place.
We're here to talk if you're scared, there is an abundance of understanding here.
The feeling of feeling like shit it's relatable, for me and many others and I'm sorry that you're feeling this way.
Have you reached out to your loved ones (something that is so much easier to say than do I know)?
Love and respect
DBD
I havent, ive acted as functionable and fine to them as possible because i dont think its wise of me to let them know whats going on with me. But ive written my two favorite people notes. Thats all. Thank you for responding ❤
You aren't useless .Maybe you haven't discovered your value . it may be good if youryourself more time if it's the main reason that you want to ctb
Hurts too much to stick around, my eating disorder causes me too much pain and i overthink really badly
My heart goes out to you. I hope you find peace in any decision you make. There's always more time if you feel too anxioud
Its hard to get meto again if i decide to back out again, the doc almost refused meto the second time i went to get it and they always only give 10 tabs of 10mg. Im left with my last few to complete the regimen. It hurts a lot to stick around as well, my weight fluctates too much due to body dysmorphia and anorexia; i ate more the past few days, probably what a normal person would and i feel like a pig lol.
 
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D

drowinginsorrowww

I dunno
Jan 28, 2020
523
654
UK
Hey thanks for working your butt off replying to this. Yeah the aquastrips tested fine and accurately (they tested up to 5mg/l in dark purple) i dont think i want to talk to anyone about this.

Ive posted on a different online forum about killing myself before and someone on there tracked me down and talked to my s/o who rushed out of work just to snap me out of it, i threw about my sn back then and well... I was okay for a week or two but these thoughts came spiralling back no matter how "good' my life is. Im just way too toxic to myself with my disorder and i cant bear it anymore. So to cut it short, no, i dont think i have a choice to talk to someone without being intervened.

I havent, ive acted as functionable and fine to them as possible because i dont think its wise of me to let them know whats going on with me. But ive written my two favorite people notes. Thats all. Thank you for responding ❤

Hurts too much to stick around, my eating disorder causes me too much pain and i overthink really badly

Its hard to get meto again if i decide to back out again, the doc almost refused meto the second time i went to get it and they always only give 10 tabs of 10mg. Im left with my last few to complete the regimen. It hurts a lot to stick around as well, my weight fluctates too much due to body dysmorphia and anorexia; i ate more the past few days, probably what a normal person would and i feel like a pig lol.
Mate I'm not working off my butt replying to this! you need someone with you, I would too.
Yeah I've had the tracking down thing happen to me before too, felt really unfair yknow. But I (and probably others) will be here for you, don't worry about that, again I'm here for a bit.
I think I also get that you can't tell anyone about it, like I tell my family members when I've got a plan but they've heard it so many times already they're like "Enough already!". I'm not saying I get what your going through but I kinda wore it through too much re my family.
edit: it really sucks being found out about before you've even done anything so I get you all the way man! I actually agree with the personal notes thing, I wrote a long--ass letter that got read by a family member anyway so I think personal notes are the way to go now tbh.
Wishing you peace mate whatever way you go. Much love
 
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imsorrybear

imsorrybear

Member
Apr 4, 2020
22
117
My SN is scheduled for first thing when i wake up in the morning tomorrow.

Ill be wearing my favorite dress, grab the bunch of dried flowers i got for my birthday last month and a tiny seashell i got from my bf when we were at the beach three days ago, ill hold those in my hands after drinking SN and hide under my sheets to die.

Im also leaving my notes (for my mom and bf )and items, ive written an additional note to my mom to tell her to do me one last favor and pass it to my bf (my note to him, his hoodie and t shirt and the dog plushie he got me (i also hung a collar on the plushie with a reattached quartz moon pendant that he originally got me as a necklace))

My weight fluctates from 38.8kg to 40ish kg, im 5'0. I think ill take 20g SN in 50ml tap water. Hope that isnt too much.
 
D

drowinginsorrowww

I dunno
Jan 28, 2020
523
654
UK
Godammit why do I always cry at these!
OP I don't know you, I haven't talked to you outside this thread but I wish you the best, you seem to be following stans guide so I don't know what else to advise. I really like your idea of being 'presentable' , it shows how much you care for the people around you.
(Also I might steal that idea! [but being a guy...maybe a tuxedo would be too much? :ahhha:])
Do you have a cloud/computer backup for the notes? I just read on some threads that they get seized sometimes and the family doesn't see them, no idea how much truth there is to that though, if items are included I can't see them storing it away as evidence or whatever (I have no idea if this is true or not!).
I wish you peace, please update the thread if you can when the time comes. If not I hope you find peace in any way shape or form :heart:
 
imsorrybear

imsorrybear

Member
Apr 4, 2020
22
117
Godammit why do I always cry at these!
OP I don't know you, I haven't talked to you outside this thread but I wish you the best, you seem to be following stans guide so I don't know what else to advise. I really like your idea of being 'presentable' , it shows how much you care for the people around you.
(Also I might steal that idea! [but being a guy...maybe a tuxedo would be too much? :ahhha:])
Do you have a cloud/computer backup for the notes? I just read on some threads that they get seized sometimes and the family doesn't see them, no idea how much truth there is to that though, if items are included I can't see them storing it away as evidence or whatever (I have no idea if this is true or not!).
I wish you peace, please update the thread if you can when the time comes. If not I hope you find peace in any way shape or form :heart:
I will keep that in mind, although i dont think i can do much about it because i only want them to find the items and notes after its guaranteed that im dead and avoid causing unnecessary panic. Kind of scared of my items getting seized now :( though... If they find the notes and items before i pass im afraid of being saved. Thanks for the headsup!
 
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D

drowinginsorrowww

I dunno
Jan 28, 2020
523
654
UK
I will keep that in mind, although i dont think i can do much about it because i only want them to find the items and notes after its guaranteed that im dead and avoid causing unnecessary panic. Kind of scared of my items getting seized now :( though... If they find the notes and items before i pass im afraid of being saved. Thanks for the headsup!
No don't worry I have no idea what I'm talking about! I just read it in a thread once, could you hide them and send a delayed email maybe? Again don't worry I really don't think they will be seized if it straight up says in the note. Cops have some compassion.
@Quarky00 @autumnal @GoodPersonEffed , any ideas here?
 
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aedric_artifact

aedric_artifact

Find me in the sweetest oblivion
Jun 27, 2020
63
176
My heart breaks seeing someone at such a low point that CTB seems to be the best option. But that is how I feel as well.

I wish you the best of luck in your decisions. I hope your transition out of this world goes smoothly. You won't be alone in your final moments - we are here for you.
 
EraseRewind

EraseRewind

Member
May 13, 2020
34
47
I’m so sorry you have got to this point, something just tugged at my heart when you said about your favourite dress, flowers and the seashell. I hope your path is smooth and you find peace.

Our minds can be so cruel that we find ourselves backed in to such dark and lonely places that there seems only one answer. It’s just so sad, if you change your mind about ctb, I hope you can find a way to get help. I wish you well. ❤
 
SuicidalSymphonies

SuicidalSymphonies

I think I'll take a dirt nap.
Oct 13, 2019
883
2,127
23
Elseweyr
May your journey be smooth.. And you reach the peace you're looking for.

If you are afraid, don't forget it's alright to back out. Sometimes that can mean you're not ready, but being afraid just a little is natural, I think.

Take your time to treat yourself nicely in your last hours. We will be here for you every step of the way. It kills (for lack of a better word) me to know you're hurting so badly that your only option left is to leave this world behind. No good person deserves to feel the pain in their heart like you do.

If there ever is a time that you need to talk as you count down, I will be here. x

Best of luck. Sending light and love your way.
 
F

Fedrea

Veteran
May 14, 2020
103
194
Im about halfway through stans 48 hour SN regimen. Meto gives me heightened anxiety and some weird side effects which makes me feel like shit and im so scared ill back out because i really have nothing much left to give to my loved ones or myself. Im loved but ive got nothing to give . Im useless. I want to go but im so nervous, and metos side effevts on me are not helping haha.

Anyway, tested my SN with an aquarium nitrite test kit (+ve), wiped browser, search and youtube history as well as laptop files. Threw out suicide note drafts, and things thatll be useless after i die. Yeah thats about it ... Im scared.
As others have said, i wish you peace if you go ahead, but it is OK to back out if you have any doubts. The option will always be there for you in the future if you don't proceed now.
 
L

Living sucks

no one can understand
Mar 27, 2020
2,669
2,351
My SN is scheduled for first thing when i wake up in the morning tomorrow.

Ill be wearing my favorite dress, grab the bunch of dried flowers i got for my birthday last month and a tiny seashell i got from my bf when we were at the beach three days ago, ill hold those in my hands after drinking SN and hide under my sheets to die.

Im also leaving my notes (for my mom and bf )and items, ive written an additional note to my mom to tell her to do me one last favor and pass it to my bf (my note to him, his hoodie and t shirt and the dog plushie he got me (i also hung a collar on the plushie with a reattached quartz moon pendant that he originally got me as a necklace))

My weight fluctates from 38.8kg to 40ish kg, im 5'0. I think ill take 20g SN in 50ml tap water. Hope that isnt too much.
How are you? No shame if a change of heart
 
imsorrybear

imsorrybear

Member
Apr 4, 2020
22
117
How are you? No shame if a change of heart
Currently just chilling, ill get ready to dress up in an hour or two. I feel relatively calm as of now, ill be taking the paracetamol dose in about two more hours
 
aedric_artifact

aedric_artifact

Find me in the sweetest oblivion
Jun 27, 2020
63
176
Big love your way! What do you plan to do in your final moments? Listen to music, watch a video, etc?
 
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aedric_artifact

aedric_artifact

Find me in the sweetest oblivion
Jun 27, 2020
63
176
Rest your soul, dear. You don't have much time left. We'll be thinking about you. I will be thinking about you tonight. I really hope your journey is peaceful and quiet. I am so sorry you got to this point; it is terribly painful and tragic. May your soul be guided towards eternal peace.

Rest easy.
 
IWTD

IWTD

Who knows.
Jun 24, 2020
68
83
Not much, just lay there and sleep. Dont want to accidentally attract much attention with audio or anything.

Clearing browser hsitory soon. Thanks SS. ill be departing in an hour.
Man I wish I had more time to talk to you. I’m close to catching the bus, we might have a similar circumstance, I’m lost and have a lot of questions
 
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FriendofDeath

FriendofDeath

Arcanist
May 22, 2020
548
419
Dear imsorrybear, I so hope you achieve the peace you deserve. Sending you light and love on whatever journey you have chosen. I know I already sent some your way. It's the only way I know how to say goodbye to a beautiful soul!
 
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