[Resource] Self-Respect Skills - An Easy Acronym

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GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Ain't it all just ridiculous?
Jan 11, 2020
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I'm not a fan of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), but I've occasionally gotten some good tools from it. This tool is my favorite, the FAST acronym for self-respect skills.

Each letter is for a skill/behavior that supports self-respect.

I find these skills helpful to combat giving into what I don't want to, or giving into the temptation of being manipulative or indirect in order to get my needs and wants met. I love this tool so much, I thought there might be others who would appreciate it, too.


FAIR


  • Be fair to yourself.
  • Be fair to others.


APOLOGIES

  • Apologize only when it's warranted.
  • Apologize only when it is genuinely given -- not demanded, coerced, or expected. Apologizing is not an obligation.
  • Don't apologize for making a request, having an opinion, having an experience or feeling, disagreeing, not liking something or someone, being happy or sad or experiencing any other emotion, existing, functioning as a human being (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually), or for something that is the responsibility of someone else.

STICK TO VALUES AND NEEDS

  • Don't compromise your values or needs to get what you want, to be liked, or to be approved of.
  • Stand up for your best interests.
  • Stand up for what is important to you.


TRUTHFUL

  • Avoid dishonesty, such as exaggeration, acting helpless as a form of manipulation, or outright lying.
  • Be honest with yourself about your motivations, feelings, needs, values, and wants.


(Please note that I've had this tool for quite a while and it's not verbatim from the original version, which can be found on the Internet. I handwrote a copy and adapted it for myself, such as creating the list of things to not apologize for.)
 
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Pryras

Pryras

...last resort
Feb 11, 2020
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Bookmarked and saved. This is very helpful to have in writing and something I should have known for years but better late than never.

You know, I had a lot of back and forth with the guy that hurt me (nearly a year of getting nowhere) Every conversation ended with me apologizing for upsetting him and while I felt *good* for a moment afterwards, I just went back to square one. The resentment was still there and I was confused why I was apologizing for something he did.

My last message was an email since we ended contact through other means. His “new girlfriend” was leaving him because she had to go back to her country and he was depressed AF. Honestly, I felt bad but I remember how much of a power trip he was on when they were together...mocking me and my pain. I was about to apologize again but stopped. I let it ALL out. All the hypocrisy and hurt. It was not my fault and why should I be sorry? It’s done now, and I don’t feel like I have anything left to say to him as I always had before.

I learned how to spot genuine apologies over the years so I don’t know why I was chasing one, maybe out of desperation? A true genuine apology comes from the heart, without force, and without gaslighting/blame. I apologized for what I DID say out of anger but I realized I didn’t need to apologize for having boundaries and feeling uncomfortable.
 
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GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Ain't it all just ridiculous?
Jan 11, 2020
4,097
8,413
Ya know, I've been thinking about it and I look at apologies like this. I'm willing to acknowledge and admit when I'm wrong. I would like for others to do the same. And that's about respect.

An apology is maybe more about soothing and trying to make someone feel good, or wanting to be soothed and made to feel good. They're gifts, and if genuine, they come from the heart, otherwise it's just stroking, not reconciling. Reconciling is about getting close, and I don't always want to be close, it doesn't always feel good, and my heart wants to maintain some protection, not let it down to give or receive gifts. I think apologies have a lot of value, but I find what I wrote above about acts of acknowledgement and respect to be more valuable.
 
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a.n.kirillov

a.n.kirillov

velle non discitur
Nov 17, 2019
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Came here expecting to hear Aretha Franklin. Very disappointed.

....
 
Pryras

Pryras

...last resort
Feb 11, 2020
383
1,001
23
Canada
Ya know, I've been thinking about it and I look at apologies like this. I'm willing to acknowledge and admit when I'm wrong. I would like for others to do the same. And that's about respect.

An apology is maybe more about soothing and trying to make someone feel good, or wanting to be soothed and made to feel good. They're gifts, and if genuine, they come from the heart, otherwise it's just stroking, not reconciling. Reconciling is about getting close, and I don't always want to be close, it doesn't always feel good, and my heart wants to maintain some protection, not let it down to give or receive gifts. I think apologies have a lot of value, but I find what I wrote above about acts of acknowledgement and respect to be more valuable.
Reminds me of something I read awhile back, “An apology isn’t a confession of guilt but an expression of remorse” which hit me hard. I don’t think that’s always the case but it shows respect above all things and being vulnerable in a situation where pride/ego get in the way. As you mentioned, it’s important to be fair to ourselves too and know when we’re being manipulated into appeasing others instead of respecting our boundaries.
 
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