Help Ruined my mums life

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madbananas

she/her
Joined
Apr 29, 2020
Messages
582
I think I’ve brought about my mums alcoholism again. She was doing well but has resorted to drinking again basically because of me. I wish I’d never been born. It would literally be better for everyone if I hadn’t been.
 
F

Fentanull

Member
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
6
I don't know your situation, but I do know all about alcoholism/drug addiction having gone through the ringer with this shit for years now. One thing I can tell you with 100% certainty is this: nothing "brings about alcoholism again." When you become an addict, it is a life long struggle and when you relapse it's to be expected- regardless of whether or not that person's been clean 3 days or 15 years. Your mother has a lifelong mental illness with her alcoholism that she will always have to struggle with, just as many here have with their suicidal ideations. At the end of the day, there's never one trigger that brings the alcoholism back- that addiction is always there waiting to comfort you again, no matter how long it sets on the backburner.
 
GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
6,587
If she drinks, it's because she's an alcoholic. She is responsible for managing her problem, you are not. If she cannot cope with problems without alcohol, then anything which is too challenging for her to manage without alcohol will trigger that response. You did not create that way of responding to challenges for her, you can't cure it for her, and you have no control over it whatsoever. You do not have the power to make her drink or stop her from drinking.

Have you ever gone to an Al-Anon or CODA meeting? I ask because it helps with taking on ownership of other people's stuff, which I think from other posts might be something that causes unnecessary suffering for you. Al-Anon has a great book with readings for every day of the year, I found it really helpful even without meetings, and journaled out a lot of stuff. The meetings are good for getting support.

Sending warm compassion. I know things are hard, I hope you won't take on an extra burden that simply is not yours, even if she can't manage it herself -- no one else can, either.
 
Weary Soul

Weary Soul

Soon I will be free
Joined
Nov 13, 2019
Messages
269
I went through this with my ex, and what both @Fentanull and @GoodPersonEffed have written is true in my experience.

Something may have triggered my ex, but ultimately, he was the one to chose to drink again to deal with whatever was bothering him. No one held that bottle to his lips but him. Part of learning to live with alcoholism is understanding this, and knowing your triggers so that you can take action to not fall back into that pattern of oblivion.

The other thing I read somewhere is that out of every 10 alcoholics, 9 will relapse more than once. It is rare for alcoholics not to relapse.

Al-anon is a good reference: Remember the 3 c's. You did not cause it, you cannot cure it, and you cannot control it.

Sighs, having gone through this with my ex, it was one of the most difficult things to learn to pull back and not own his behavior.

Love and many hugs to you!
 
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M

madbananas

she/her
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Apr 29, 2020
Messages
582
Thanks folks. I’ll reply more in depth later because of what I’m dealing with now x
 
Illias

Illias

miss you
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Jul 15, 2020
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Don’t blame yourself, she’s an alcoholic. I’m sure it’s really hard coping with it but please don’t blame yourself. There’s ups and downs when you try to get rid of addiction
 
R

re_pete_x

deministrator
Joined
Nov 1, 2020
Messages
548
I'm a recovered alcoholic, in active mode i blamed people for my own shit all the time.
It's what we tend to do to justify getting our drink on.
That's not your issue though it is a problem for you.
Mostly what everyone else already said, just wanted to add my take on being
an alcoholic to make the point.
 
M

madbananas

she/her
Joined
Apr 29, 2020
Messages
582
I'm a recovered alcoholic, in active mode i blamed people for my own shit all the time.
It's what we tend to do to justify getting our drink on.
That's not your issue though it is a problem for you.
Mostly what everyone else already said, just wanted to add my take on being
an alcoholic to make the point.
thanks to everyone! I took a break and (again) tried to “recover”. When will I learn that people don’t actually give a shit about me, they will just leave me and the pain means I’m better off dead. Life is not worth it for me.

and @re_pete_x thank you so much for your perspective. Means a lot that you can admit all that so well done to you. It’s not like I see my mum or anyone else who is alcohol dependent as bad, it’s just hard. Thanks again, I hope you’re managing ok. Al anon saved my life.
 
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