[Venting] Resigning Myself to the Fact That I Will Die Alone

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FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
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I don't mean to be a melodramatic crybaby, but it is what it is. It used to bother me a lot more than it does now because it wasn't something I was actively choosing. Now, after more life experience with my mental illness, I know I am better off single. Anybody else purposefully avoiding a love life for these kinds of reasons?

Like a lot of foreveralone types, I have the unfortunate combo of being sensitive to rejection and having a personality that all but guarantees it. Plus, it would be cruel to drag someone into my life when I'm going to CTB young and have such persistent mental problems.

I've found this acceptance freeing. I feel more willing to pursue the short-term, FWB, and one night stand situations that may be achievable with some effort. I'm also not scared of my biological clock anymore. I don't want to inflict my genetics on anyone, thank you. For the same reason, I feel less pressure to pass as straight.

The fact of my nonexistent love life still eats at me though, especially when I remember my old hopes and dreams. Even though I no longer wish for a husband and white picket fences, I can remember how happy that picture used to make me. Nothing I see in my future now musters quite the same level of enthusiasm, I have to admit. Even the best case scenarios I dream up pale in comparison. I guess that's true of all young dreams though. Reality never lives up to our expectations.
 
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HangInThere

HangInThere

Just hanging around
Apr 27, 2018
31
108
I concur.

I can't imagine myself with a significant other, kids or family. You know, all of that stuff that we are supposed to desire.

But as you said, when you're actively planning to CTB or have persistent suicidal thoughts, it's not really fair to seek out long-term companionship. Even if we weren't suicidal, I doubt the stereotypical love we see in movies would be attainable or realistic.

Do you ever feel like you can't even picture yourself anywhere in the future? Like it's all blank because hey, you're going to die soon anyway.
 
FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
378
1,033
I concur.

Do you ever feel like you can't even picture yourself anywhere in the future? Like it's all blank because hey, you're going to die soon anyway.
At the lowest point in my most recent depressive episode, yes, but anxiety about the future is a recurring problem for me. I realized a long time ago that, to my chagrin, anxiety is basically what keeps me going. Without it, I think I would have killed myself a long time ago. Then again, when in an anxious mood, I do stupid, dangerous shit out of anger that could kill me, so maybe it's a more useful state of mind than I give it credit for.

I do not picture much further out than 5 years though (so, age 30). Aside from a constant worry about my finances, I do not torture myself over what might happen in middle or old age because I probably won't make it. Surely, I'll have offed myself by then or died from one of the many diseases that run in my family. A less romantic option is that my aggressive driving might finally get me killed. I have fantasized about ramming my car into a concrete barrier at high speed as a potential method, so it would be kind of fitting and as much as I deserve being a regular asshole driver.
 
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M

millefeui

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Mar 31, 2018
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We are born alone, it is only natural that we would die alone. I think I would do a disservice to a girl/boyfriend, so I honestly prefer being alone.
 
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FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
378
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We are born alone, it is only natural that we would die alone. I think I would do a disservice to a girl/boyfriend, so I honestly prefer being alone.
I am also not interested in a relationship partly for this. Most of my reasons are selfish though - I want to avoid pain, and avoidance is practically my super power.
 
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millefeui

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Mar 31, 2018
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I am also not interested in a relationship partly for this. Most of my reasons are selfish though - I want to avoid pain, and avoidance is practically my super power.
Totally fair.
 
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great-ape99

Veteran
Apr 22, 2018
112
202
I plan on being here a few more years at least, then CTB in a painless manner of my fitting. Honestly I would be surprised if I stayed around for another decade. But I don't have depression or anxiety like many of you's here have it.
 
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FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
378
1,033
I plan on being here a few more years at least, then CTB in a painless manner of my fitting. Honestly I would be surprised if I stayed around for another decade. But I don't have depression or anxiety like many of you's here have it.
Actually, I'm closer to you on this. My timer is set to my parents' mortality. When they die, I go, but that's most likely years in the future. I will have no one left besides one friend who would understand.
 
Asylla

Asylla

Member
Apr 16, 2018
34
167
Personally, I've already accepted that no one would ever get to know me on a personal level. I don't mind spending the rest of my life single. However, my nonexistent love life also eats at me.

I think this might have to do with the fact that humans are the result of millions of years spent surviving in small groups. Out in the wild, humans aren't very good at hunting by themselves, they depend on other humans. That's why social interactions and love are so important to us. In the past, being unable to bond with other people would literally mean that your life was in danger. As a result, our desire to bond with other humans is rooted very deep.

That's why I believe that even knowing we're better off single, we'll never be able to get over our nonexistent love lives. That desire is simply bigger than us.
 
L

Life sucks

Illuminated
Apr 18, 2018
1,370
5,034
I want to live alone and probably will die alone and earlier than I expect. I'm struggling to find a way but I know it will end someday and the earlier it happens the less ugly it becomes, waiting for countless years then becoming very old is an ugly thing no matter what people say about it.

About relationships, sure biologically I get attached to females and wish to fall in love with some and have sex with them. But no, the world and system is too much brutal and BS that wants you to go to that direction for enslavement and making you in constant economical burden.

Not to mention I'll become a burden to whoever will become in a relationship its very hard to understand (unless we both have similar problems), I don't want to make other people and my life harder so no, I'm very complicated to get with someone else.
 
FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
378
1,033
I think this might have to do with the fact that humans are the result of millions of years spent surviving in small groups. Out in the wild, humans aren't very good at hunting by themselves, they depend on other humans. That's why social interactions and love are so important to us. In the past, being unable to bond with other people would literally mean that your life was in danger. As a result, our desire to bond with other humans is rooted very deep.

That's why I believe that even knowing we're better off single, we'll never be able to get over our nonexistent love lives. That desire is simply bigger than us.
I'm afraid you're right. The other day, someone on Quora asked, "How to live a happy life without any affection?" or something along those lines. I immediately thought, "You don't. The effort to get over that is futile."
 
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FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
378
1,033
I want to live alone and probably will die alone and earlier than I expect. I'm struggling to find a way but I know it will end someday and the earlier it happens the less ugly it becomes, waiting for countless years then becoming very old is an ugly thing no matter what people say about it.

About relationships, sure biologically I get attached to females and wish to fall in love with some and have sex with them. But no, the world and system is too much brutal and BS that wants you to go to that direction for enslavement and making you in constant economical burden.

Not to mention I'll become a burden to whoever will become in a relationship its very hard to understand (unless we both have similar problems), I don't want to make other people and my life harder so no, I'm very complicated to get with someone else.
If I finally make an active effort to date, I will specify that I'm looking for someone who is just as messed up as me and/or doesn't desire a long term relationship.
 
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Squidward

Squidward

*
Apr 18, 2018
63
140
Yep, I've essentially resigned too. It doesn't seem fair for me to date someone that wants to live a full life.

I feel somewhat lucky in this regard though. I've never really loved anyone romantically so I'll never know exactly what I'm missing. I also don't have to remember any grand hopes or dreams.

But yeah, all the little stuff still eats at me. I've done the sex thing and it's meh, that's a simple itch. Its the mutual trust and accepting company of a partner that I envy sometimes.

If I finally make an active effort to date, I will specify that I'm looking for someone who is just as messed up as me and/or doesn't desire a long term relationship.
It'd be nice if the real shit like that could be first date questions or part of a dating app bio...

Sex: male
Looking for: whatever
Long-term commitment to life: little to none

I realized a long time ago that, to my chagrin, anxiety is basically what keeps me going.
I also relate like hell to this. Anxiety is what really gets shit done. Without it, why bother?
 
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FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
378
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Yep, I've essentially resigned too. It doesn't seem fair for me to date someone that wants to live a full life.

I feel somewhat lucky in this regard though. I've never really loved anyone romantically so I'll never know exactly what I'm missing. I also don't have to remember any grand hopes or dreams.

But yeah, all the little stuff still eats at me. I've done the sex thing and it's meh, that's a simple itch. Its the mutual trust and accepting company of a partner that I envy sometimes.



It'd be nice if the real shit like that could be first date questions or part of a dating app bio...

Sex: male
Looking for: whatever
Long-term commitment to life: little to none



I also relate like hell to this. Anxiety is what really gets shit done. Without it, why bother?
LOL, I've imagined my bio as reading something like, "Looking for fun with someone as messed up as I am. The mentally healthy need not apply."

Also, ditto on never being in love. I guess it's a blessing at this point.
 
Sonnenblume

Sonnenblume

Sunflower Panda
Apr 6, 2018
588
1,759
I don't really want to be in love, where does that even go? Either you watch them decay and die first, or they have to watch you. Love's fun when you're young and healthy but as you age it's stress and worry if you actually give a crap about the person.
 
M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,037
5,299
I don't really want to be in love, where does that even go? Either you watch them decay and die first, or they have to watch you. Love's fun when you're young and healthy but as you age it's stress and worry if you actually give a crap about the person.
Assuming love is even a thing. Affection, sexual attraction? Sure, but love... I wonder.
 
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Asylla

Asylla

Member
Apr 16, 2018
34
167
Assuming love is even a thing.
Of course it's a thing. It's probably not as great as it's portrayed in movies though... I've never been in love so I wouldn't know.

I remember reading about a research that suggested that romantic love will inevitably fade after 15 months to 3 years. We often hear about those people that have been married for like 40 years and apparently still love each other, but the truth is that they probably don't.
 
Sonnenblume

Sonnenblume

Sunflower Panda
Apr 6, 2018
588
1,759
Of course it's a thing. It's probably not as great as it's portrayed in movies though. I remember reading about a research that suggested that romantic love will inevitably fade after 15 months to 3 years.

We often hear about those people that have been married for like 40 years and apparently still love each other, but the truth is that they probably don't.
I think it's more codependancy after that point. You build a life together, get used to each other's roles, and after that you're old, have fewer options to seek out better mates, and just sorta stuck in the way things are.
 
M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,037
5,299
Of course it's a thing.
You sure do love to speak in absolutes. There are no solid proofs that it is a thing. There is no "of course" when it comes to the existence of something as abstract as "love".
 
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Asylla

Asylla

Member
Apr 16, 2018
34
167
You sure do love to speak in absolutes. There are no solid proofs that it is a thing. There is no "of course" when it comes to the existence of something as abstract as "love".
I speak in absolutes because this is obvious. You talk as if the definition of love goes far beyond: "strong affection for another being". Why would love not exist?

Love has a lot of evolutionary advantages. For example, if mothers didn't feel any strong affection toward their newborn children, they wouldn't take care of them as much and those children would die at a higher rate. Saying that love doesn't exist would be like denying basic natural selection.
 
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Malice1

Malice1

-
Apr 6, 2018
287
699
I gave up on a love life 4 years ago. I came to the realization that it wasn't love i seeked just sex. Those girls i used to crush on was just temporary infatuation. Wish i would have came to this realization sooner and wasnt so picky because i was looking for the "right" one. I might have gotten laid without having to pay for it if i wasn't so selective. Anyway, yes im dying alone but thats okay because its going to be painless.
 
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Z

ZeeF

New Member
Apr 27, 2018
4
2
I cannot begin to describe the empathy I feel. All I ever wanted was to find the love of my life but no matter how hard I try, I always fail. I'm going to end up that person who went to their school that offed themselves. So anticlimactic.

All I needed was for one person to love me. Even though I'm a terrible mess inside, thank goodness I seem to prevent it from harming those I love. I could have been miserable and happy simultaneously haha but alas that flower couldn't bloom.

Now I just hope that I can at least find someone to go with and at least I won't be alone in death.

I see so many people happy and coupled. It really breaks my heart that I couldn't. I really don't want to be alive anymore. Genuinely, I do not.
 
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M

Machonne

Member
Apr 25, 2018
78
112
The fact of my nonexistent love life still eats at me though, especially when I remember my old hopes and dreams. Even though I no longer wish for a husband and white picket fences, I can remember how happy that picture used to make me. Nothing I see in my future now musters quite the same level of enthusiasm, I have to admit. Even the best case scenarios I dream up pale in comparison. I guess that's true of all young dreams though. Reality never lives up to our expectations.
I have had the husband and white picket fence and believe me, it has a whole new set of problems.
 
FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
378
1,033
I have had the husband and white picket fence and believe me, it has a whole new set of problems.
No doubt. I dreamed about it as a kid, but then I woke the fuck up and realized how shitty my parents' marriage is. My mom got the raw end of the deal, for sure. They wouldn't have married if my dad hadn't knocked up my mom. I don't think aborting my older brother would have been the right move, but me on the other hand....
 
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Squidward

Squidward

*
Apr 18, 2018
63
140
No doubt. I dreamed about it as a kid, but then I woke the fuck up and realized how shitty my parents' marriage is. My mom got the raw end of the deal, for sure. They wouldn't have married if my dad hadn't knocked up my mom. I don't think aborting my older brother would have been the right move, but me on the other hand....
The first doctor thought I was a cyst and wanted to cut me up and suck me out through a tube.

He may have been technically wrong but I think he was on the right track. Unfortunately my mom insisted on a second opinion. (And then they thought I'd come out female, the competency of modern medicine is so exaggerated.)
 
FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
378
1,033
The first doctor thought I was a cyst and wanted to cut me up and suck me out through a tube.

He may have been technically wrong but I think he was on the right track. Unfortunately my mom insisted on a second opinion. (And then they thought I'd come out female, the competency of modern medicine is so exaggerated.)
LOL. I hope you didn't end up with any weird name hijinks. My mom got screwed over with that one. Her dad already had a made-up hillbilly name, and her parents' female version of it was no improvement.

The universe almost course corrected with me when I was around 3 or 4 when I got into some rat poison. Unfortunately, the hospital pumped my stomach before it could kill me. Missed opportunity there!
 
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