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Random thoughts

WOODESITY

WOODESITY

Veteran
Joined
Mar 15, 2019
Messages
129
It's Very frustrating and sucks that I work for the scraps while helping big corporation get richer and literally supporting wage slavery, 10 hours of work a day just to sustain my life and get by isn't worth it
 
Raven Moon

Raven Moon

See my heart I decorate it like a grave
Joined
Feb 14, 2019
Messages
1,110
So bored with life. There is nothing for me to enjoy. I don't want to live don't want to die. It's all so pointless and mundane. I really can't believe people think this world is great, life is a gift and things are ok. I just want a normal brain for a day...it must be nice to not be fundamentally fucked in the head and constantly negative and cynical and wishing for death but at the same time mad and sad I have to ctb.
 
Nessie

Nessie

Cynical
Joined
Aug 23, 2020
Messages
307
People seems to have more common sense regarding the right/obligation to live and the right/need to procreate when it comes to companion animals than they have when it comes to fellow human beings.
 
BitterlyAlive

BitterlyAlive

Tired of the pain.
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
1,361
Back in bed. Brain feels funny and I'm really, really tired. I think I pushed myself too hard. How am I going to manage to work all weekend? I wish people irl could understand :(
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
682
I suddenly realized that I think I want everyone to like me, but if even one person doesn't like me, then I feel like nobody should. The fact I know there are people out there who don't like me is why I don't like myself. It doesn't even matter who they are. It's stupid, but I've always been like that it seems...
 
WOODESITY

WOODESITY

Veteran
Joined
Mar 15, 2019
Messages
129
Today I woke up and while having my first cigarette I was contemplating what it would feel like to go to work and handle daily life over and over again just to die in the end, it's very pointless, frustrating and living in constant anxiety and fear, just asking myself how long can I keep doing this, it feels wrong to be alive, I've hard time forgiving my parents for creating me, even my mother said that I was mistake and wished I died before I was born, and about my father, he thinks he accomplished his most important life purpose, but did he ever think that I'd not like this life, I'm so trapped here
 
Georgii

Georgii

I'm done .
Joined
Sep 25, 2019
Messages
354
I was thinking of reaching out to some of my old friends that I lost touch while self isolating myself .. but , it's feels so weird ..I have no idea how to open the conversations or if they still even would want to talk to me after I just ghosted them like the asshole I am .

And at the same time I feel like just talking to strangers lately bc it's so much easier .I crave having real talk lately but at the same time I'm so bad at expressing myself I dont even bother trying at this point .
Kinda wished I could have someone I could just call when I'm at my lowest or even on a good day ,but it's pretty impossible and I'd be too awkward to hold a conversation.
 
BitterlyAlive

BitterlyAlive

Tired of the pain.
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
1,361
I let my cat into my room last night, and I guess she took that as a huge welcome. She ended up staying in my room all day when I was at work. She was laying on my dirty clothes, I guess.

Reminds me of how she sometimes waits at the front door for me. I don't know what I'm going to do when she dies, if I'm even alive to watch her go.
 
AnotherBrick

AnotherBrick

Member
Joined
Jun 25, 2020
Messages
32
I've never really entertained the idea of destiny or predetermination. I always figured that knowing whether our choices are our own or not wouldn't really influence my behavior anyway.

It's probably just because I've been fixating on it for so long, but I just feel like I'm meant to take myself out in the end.

It's really odd because I've never felt strongly pulled towards any specific action. I gave up trying to control my life quite awhile ago. It's clear circumstances beyond my control will always be there to keep me in line.

I want to CBT so badly. I think about it the majority of every day. My life has been essentially the same boring chores repeated over the course of months. Years, really.

The idea feels comfortable and right to me. I want to leave. I don't feel in control of my life, so it's so tempting to be in control of my death.

I feel like my family is ripping that away from me. I love them. But it hurts they'd rather have their daughter/sister breathing and miserable rather than still and free.

I can't say for sure because I've been trying to avoid temptations like ordering SN, but.. I really think I might be ready to go.
 
nnnerve

nnnerve

im so depressed i cant even blink
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
584
Life has been a lot about convincing myself to get up lately. "You know Jenna, you could just take your SN right now and be done with it all" comes up a lot as a response to how much energy it takes to be upright.

All I want to do is rest but there's so much that has to be done and I'm doing it alone. I can't keep up. I just can't, no matter what I do.
 
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BitterlyAlive

BitterlyAlive

Tired of the pain.
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
1,361
I know I just posted about eating better but now I wanna get drunk. Hmmm. I could probably get more drunk because I haven't eaten much and it's been a while since I last ate.

Why do I always want to fuck myself up somehow lol.
 
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B

Burzolog

Visionary
Joined
Apr 5, 2018
Messages
923
Me and the guy twice bigger than me go out for treasure hunting. We found some gold ingots. The big guy says that he's going to take all the treasure. And what can I do about it? The last time I objected to him, I got beaten into submission. Now, do I have an incentive to go out for treasure hunting with the bigger guy, knowing that he will claim everything valuable we would find? Me is me,the big guy is survival instinct, the gold ingots are the knowledge, and the proportion "I get the gold / he gets the gold" is equal to "I use the knowledge to my advantage / he uses the knowledge to his advantage".

If I want to die, acquiring knowledge (necessarily, the big guy is always around) will stave off my demise. (SI uses knowledge to avoid potential death.) On the other hand, there is unpredictability. No knowledge --> no idea what is going to happen, which means I can't be sure I'm more likely to die the way I prefer to die, than, for example, recieve a serious injury that is compatible with life, get on surveillance of local authorities/life enforcement agencies, and many other things I'd find undesirable.
 
Nessie

Nessie

Cynical
Joined
Aug 23, 2020
Messages
307
I worked so hard to make things at least a little better, and as soon as I got some result, I just got kicked in the face with new trouble. If there's a higher power, I think it's egging me on to CTB faster.
 
StrokeMyEgoBaby

StrokeMyEgoBaby

Ask, you will receive; Seek, you shall find.
Joined
Apr 30, 2020
Messages
1,283
When you love/hate something so fanatically that you wouldn’t mind getting shot by a terrorist or joining the army and die in the warzone, that’s an indication you are not enjoying life to a greater extent.
 
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