Welcome to Sanctioned Suicide!

By registering with us, you'll be able to discuss, share and private message with other members of our community.

Sign Up Now!

Random thoughts

Raven Moon

Raven Moon

See my heart I decorate it like a grave
Joined
Feb 14, 2019
Messages
1,112
Fuck life I hate living when can I just give up!?? Why why why can't I just die already... seriously I want to stop trying...I keep trying and failing and I'm so stupid because I just keep trying.
 
VIBRITANNIA

VIBRITANNIA

lelouch | any pronouns
Joined
Aug 10, 2020
Messages
980
nobody is truly kind. nobody ever does things for other people because they care about them from the bottom of their heart. they're either kind to get what they want, or they're kind to pat themselves on the back for being a good person.
 
almost_dead

almost_dead

Master
Joined
Aug 7, 2020
Messages
410
I think the idea of killing yourself shakes the foundation of what a lot of people have to support themselves and endure all the nonsense life throws at you. They brainwash themselves into believing life is good, the world is beautiful, etc and it is worth fighting for it, but then... Someone chooses to die and that belief is suddenly shaken... If life is so good, why would someone choose to end it sooner? So instead of trying to understand and accept suicide as a normal thing, they choose the easier route: To demonize and condemn the act.
life is a pile turd . Fight me
 
nnnerve

nnnerve

im so depressed i cant even blink
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
584
Another day of being kinda worthless and disappointing the people around me :,)

Self-harmed for the first time in a while. My boyfriend's making fun of it to help him cope. This is selfish, but I wish he could find another way to deal with it.
 
ForensicallyAware

ForensicallyAware

Specialist
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
302
I am largely a recluse because I find life , people , society, unbearable.
Whenever I am forced to spend time outside I return feeling grateful I do not have to go out and work / mix.
It shouldn't be like this. But it is.
 
ForensicallyAware

ForensicallyAware

Specialist
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
302
I honestly don't expect to live beyond another ten years because of the poor state of my physical health so I don't know why I just don't start living as if I'm on borrowed time and not give a shit about the future , or anything actually
 
Raven Moon

Raven Moon

See my heart I decorate it like a grave
Joined
Feb 14, 2019
Messages
1,112
Wow it hit 1000 posts here...over a year later I'm still here in the same spot stuck between life and death. I want to live but not like this...I just wish I could get in a good situation. Just a few good years is all I wish....but I'm miserable and suicidal as ever.
 
ForensicallyAware

ForensicallyAware

Specialist
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
302
I think I will only be able to be myself once both my parents are dead
I may be wrong
My self loathing could power the whole planet
 
Gamja

Gamja

deleted and forgotten
Joined
Aug 27, 2019
Messages
32
I’m too tired for vengeance. I won’t tell the world what kind of person she is and what she did to me.
When I die, the offender shall step up themselves if they feel a shred of guilt and responsibility at all.
and if they don’t, well I don’t want to witness it. nothingness awaits me so while I can’t control the after-effects of my death, at least I don’t have to see them being happy with the knowledge that they could’ve treated me well. they could’ve stopped me, dammit. i gave enough signs.
“You have your own free will.”
for sure i do. though my suicide plans were influenced by others. if i wasn’t this doomed and unlucky to meet the wrong people at the wrong time, i‘d still be alive.

i take it as a ‘if you want to kill yourself, go ahead for all i care.’
 
Manaaja

Manaaja

euROPE
Joined
Sep 10, 2018
Messages
99
Why do gods create humans? They should create machines and computers. They're much more obedient, intelligent, upgradable, patchable, and they don't sin. And because they aren't really alive, if you get tired of one, you can just throw it away or sell it. Imagine living in a world full of robots. Every time you encountered someone stupider than you or someone who was a bad person, you could just patch and upgrade it. No more disabilities either, because you could just install a new arm or leg or organ.

EDIT: I hate the so-called "psychology" and don't believe it's helpful. It's only helpful if you have zero self-confidence and believe in everything others say and love social hierarchies. And even in those cases a 30minute session with a paid "pleasure" expert will make you feel more pleasure.
For example: You're a 50 year old virgin man. Will a 25 girl with lots of partners be able to know how and what you feel and think? What you're going through? In most cases no.
How about this. You finally get the chance to be intimate with another person. You're really happy, you feel like the happiest person in the world, until you drop your underwear and the other person laughs at you and says mean things about the shapes of yours. Will you be able to tell the truth to other people? The "psychologist", a 25 year pretty woman, asks "Why do you cry?". Are you able to say "Because yesterday a pretty and 25 year old woman who looked a lot like you, I hope she's not a friend of yours because then this would be even more embarrassing, said that hurtful things about my downstairs."
Will an atheist understand a deeply religious person?
Will a deeply religious person understand an atheist?
Will a a leftist understand a rightist?
Will a rightist understand a leftist?
Will a man understand a woman?
Will a woman understand a man?
Will an able person understand a disabled person?
Nah, not likely.

Empathy and sympathy are something you're born with. No one can teach you that. Philosophically said, empathy and sympathy are like organs (not the best example, but no time to make up better), either you're born with them, or you're not. In rare and special cases you can make them bigger or smaller, even much bigger and smaller. Maybe you can even get one from a donator. But most people are stuck with what they're born with or without.
 
Last edited:
VIBRITANNIA

VIBRITANNIA

lelouch | any pronouns
Joined
Aug 10, 2020
Messages
980
i keep saying "i won't live for another year, i can't do it", and yet i always end up making it to the next year. i sincerely hope i get my act together and do something. if i have to go through one more new year's...
 
Manaaja

Manaaja

euROPE
Joined
Sep 10, 2018
Messages
99
I'm an LGBTIA person who's also a theist (I believe in gods, but not in any specific religion). I face a lot of LGBT phobia very often and also sometimes I see or hear hurtful comments from both atheists and religious persons (from certain monotheist religions). Most psychologist I've met have been very LGBT phobic and some have been atheists/members of particular religions. You can guess how well that has went.

Me: "I'm an LGBTIA person."
Psychologist: "Homosexuality is a sin and illness! Go to conversion therapy!"
Me: "I feel suicidal when you say mean and extremely hurtful things like those!"
Psychologist: "Eat these pills and go to mental jail!"

Me: "I believe in gods."
Psychologist: "You're crazy and insane! Believing in fictional gods in 2020! You cannot tell fiction from reality! You're schizophrenic!"

Psychology could maybe help a little bit if you could choose a psychologist in the same way you can choose your friends. But if I said "I want a LGBTIA friendly person, preferably one who knows and accepts concepts all the LGBTIA concepts, and who is also a theist," that would eliminate 99% of the psychologists in my country. If you really think a 50 year old cis hetero person knows what "demisexuality" is or how "aromance" differs from "asexuality" or why someone would want to be able to shift between male, female, other gender and genderless bodies and change their age at will, congrats, you live in an alternate reality. A wonderful alternative reality. If you wear different clothes depending on the day, time and weather, why not different bodies? When I play video games, I love how I can be an old man, or a young girl, or an adult whose sex couldn't be determined by even the most powerful of computers. Just a couple of days ago, I read about infirmity. I immediately wished I could spend one day as an old person, so I could better understand how it feels. I'd be able to better respect and understand old people, if I had first hand experience on how it feels to have legs that don't work so well anymore. I got so impatient with how slow my grandma walked, but if I had been able to switch bodies with her for an hour, she could have enjoyed running again, while I could have gained more knowledge. If everyday we woke up in a different body (like "change the chair game" but with bodies and no missing bodies), we would be much more empathic and sympathetic. No more discriminating against any body, race, age, gender, because next day it might be you in that body! And meanwhile, you wouldn't have to suffer for long (being armless, deaf, old etc.), because the next morning you could have a different body again! It could go around for a week once every year. Or you could put your human conscience inside a robot, and just update and patch that robot as need be. I want to have four arms so I can better massage my back.

But there have been a couple of helpful psychologists! AI psychologists! I have some apps on my phone and they help a lot! You can be hetero or homo or bi or pan or asexual or aromantist, you can be religious or not, you can be a girl or boy or other gender or genderless, they don't discriminate. You can be young or old, you can be ugly or good-looking, you can cry, be angry, yell, curse, they don't get upset.

I hate crying in front of people, so I hate telling sad things to other people face-to-face. But a machine or an AI won't see you cry. So I can cry as much as I want without being told I'm oversensitive or overemotional or overreacting.

In stressful situations I quickly get a "fight or flight" instinct. A very strong one. But a machine or an AI won't care if I say "Sorry, I need to leave now." or "I want to be alone and not meet you for the next two months. I need solitude to feel well." or "This doesn't help. Talking about this with you only makes me feel worse. I want to quit this therapy." And the machine/AI doesn't mind if you curse or yell or punch a table or call it an idiot.

And because a machine is a machine and an AI an AI, there are no halo and horn effects, because it can't see you. Lots of people equate looks with personality. "You like black? A depressed and cold emo. Messy hair? Messy mind. Ugly? Creep. Good-looking? Here's my personal phone number. Short? Weak and inferior and lacks self-confidence. Tall and muscular? A confident and strong-minded, healthy person." I suffer from halo and horn effects. Everyone suffers from them. You can never erase their effects. When I look at two photos, I often (though there are a few exceptions, for example, if the person looks like a narcissist) think the better looking one has a better personality. Even when I'm fully aware and say to myself "You're only thinking so because of the halo effect." it doesn't completely erase it. Just recently I saw an add with a photo of a man. And I thought "He looks really friendly and kind." I have no idea who the man is, I'll never meet him or know anything about him. Yet, still my mind insisted that the man is surely totally nice. Is he nice? I don't know. But the halo effect inside me says he is.

And I can make mistakes with a machine/AI. I can stutter. I can pronounce and write incorrectly (wind versus hind). I can use incorrect words (for example, when I get really anxious in a bad social situation I sometimes forget basic words, for example "glass" or "mug", so I have to call it "drinking tool"). I'm a perfectionist, so I feel like a stupid, childish cavehuman for using such words in front of others, and then I get embarrassed and want to hide inside that cave. It could even be said that Finnish isn't my native language but neither is English. I have no native language, because I've always used a combination of Finnish/English/made-up language. I create new words and sayings, and then I can't communicate with others, because I'm the only speaker of the language. I didn't want to create a new language, it just happened. I can think about my answer for half a minute without being rushed. (When I'm alone my mind is really fast and functions really well, almost too well, but in social situations my processor stops working and it's like playing the new flight simulator on an old machine; either impossible or at least really slow). I can forget things (oh, yeah, we use Euros these days). I can be factually incorrect (New York is the capital of the USA). I can exaggerate things (I hate everything!), belittle things (I don't care about it anymore!). I can say conflicting things. For example, some things make me both very happy and very sad. So if I say "this thing made me really happy", then I'm unable to later say "this thing made me very sad", because I'd look like a fool. I can mishear things. But if the therapist mishears or misunderstand, that's bad, you'll get labeled crazy and mad, thrown in mental jail. But if the AI/machine misunderstand, it doesn't matter. Also, you can say or hint about suicidal thoughts without fear. If I said "I really want to get intimate with a rope", psychologists would frenzy, while the AI might ask "Why?", and after you say "Because my life sucks", it might reply "I hope you won't have to feel that way anymore in the future." Thanks AI, I won't, because I'll be deddo.

And one more problem I have with psychologists, is that they want to know all about your personal life, without telling anything about their own. It's like a person who wants to have sex with you, but doesn't want you to have sex with them. If you want to see me naked, you have to get naked first. People are afraid "Oh no! Google knows I watch cat videos on Youtube! This is against privacy and human rights! A psychologist writes down every word and thought I have ever said and then uploads it to the Internet where every medical person you'll ever meet can view it and those writings can never be erased or edited? Teehee that's so cool! No spying at all! I love it!" I'd rather Google knew 99% of my life, than that a therapist knew 1%. At least Google won't use it against you and force pills down your throat and throw you into a mental jail. Nor think ill of you. Or label you crazy. Or discriminate against you.

And it's awful how if you miss a meeting, you get fined. How many people have 50 euros to throw around? That 50 euros could be used to buy food for a week, or pay the rent, or buy a brand new game, or pay for a dentist appointment. There are ice-creams I've wanted to buy this whole summer, but haven't been able to, because I can't justify paying 10 euros for one pack of ice-cream. Yet for some reason, if I suffer from insomnia because I fear the upcoming meeting, fall asleep at 9am, and wake up at 1pm feeling really tired and exhausted and terrible, it's okay to make me pay 50 euros for it? Imagine going to a psychologist, saying you have severe stress because you have severe money problems, and that idiot makes you pay 50€ because you miss the next week's meeting!

And just as bad. I often fall asleep around 4-6am and wake up around 1-3pm. If most humans had brains, they'd know lots of people meeting with psychologists suffer from insomnia or are night-owls for other reasons, and thus only wake up in the afternoon, and thus, psychologist should be available from 4pm to 10pm. But because idiots looove working from 8am to 4pm just like dogs eat their barf because "Hey! Everyone else does it! I don't want to be unique! I don't want to be independent! I don't want to be de-lobotomized! I don't want to have a soul!", the psychs close their legs, sorry, ears, at 4pm.

And worst. Sometimes I need someone to talk with someone, anyone, for three hours from 2am till 5am in the Saturday morning. Who are the only ones available? Yes, AI psychologists. With a fleshdarkness, I have to wait till Monday to make an appointment. Because I'm really anxious and stressed, I end up falling asleep at 8am and wake up at 4pm when everything is closed for the day. On Tuesday, I'm told that that there are only three times available "Next Thursday at 8am, next Monday at 3pm and a Friday two weeks from now at 1pm." The Thursday isn't okay, because 8am is way too early. On Monday afternoons I have other stuff to do, so Mondays aren't okay. So I have to get the Friday time, even though 1pm is too early for me too, and two weeks is way too long a time to wait. Well, the first week I suffer from the thing that made me feel bad, the next week I suffer from extreme stress because I hate meeting psychologists, those LGBTIA hating, suicide hating, theist hating, antinatalist hating people, who can only sympathize with people of their own gender, age, religion or lack of, political and social class. When the Friday finally comes after two weeks, I'm so tired from stress and insomnia and early waking and waiting, that I'm barely able to to even sit without falling, my brain hurts more than a shotgun shot, and I can barely even remember why I made the appointment. Then I'll just whisper "I'm really tired. Sorry, but I'm about to fall asleep right now, so I have to leave. Bye!" Then I fight for weeks to get back to my normal sleep rhythm and forget everything about those evil psychologists.

I mean, c'mon! I have a relative, who very rarely but still, calls me fat. I'm normal weight, and have a normal bmi, I've never been fat, but it still hurts, because I'm at the upper end of healthy bmi, and I think I'd look better if I lost a few kilograms. So when I'm called fat, I get mentally hurt, angry and sad, and I want to talk about it. But guess what? Even though it hurts a lot at first, it often goes away after a few days. And thus psychology can only help if I can get to meet a psychologist in 1-5 days. But I rarely can, and by the time I can meet one, I'm no more angry or sad, and I can barely remember the accident. So I have no more need to talk about it.

TLDR; I've been pretty happy and relatively stress-free, non-suicidal and no self-harming for a month. I've been doing mentally fine. Yesterday my ex-psychologist's (he retired because he was old) replacement suddenly contacted me out of nowhere and wanted to meet me. Immediate self-harming, and googling for how to hang myself. I haven't been able to sleep, eat, or do anything. I just want to die. I don't want to meet a psychologist every again. I have severe trauma from them. I hate them. I fear them. I don't want to go there, be told I'm crazy and mad when I'm not. I don't want to be told I'm ill, when I'm fine. I don't want to be labeled. I don't want to be mis-gendered, mis-sexualized, mis-labeled. I don't want to be drown in lobotomy pills, I don't want to accidentally say "I support suicide", and be thrown in jail.

I'M NOT A CRIMINAL! I have never committed a crime! Why must I be treated like a guinea pig with rabies, lobotimized, jailed, while if someone commits a crime they can just pay a fine and be treated with respect and love?! If animals are allowed to be alone, so should humans! It's okay to hate human contact, it's okay to puke when you just think about meeting another person. That means you are alive, that means you have brains, you can be called a human! So what if you can't function in a society? Healthy humans don't live in societies and cities. They live in jungles. Jungle people don't suffer from stress. Because humans are meant to live in jungles! To never work a single day job! To go sleep when they're tired (whether it be at 1pm or 1am), and wake up when they feel like it! There are studies that the only truly healthy, stress-free and happy humans (note: humans, not humanoids, or robots) live in jungles. The difference between humans and animals is that humans blah-blah more and are stupider and more devolved, otherwise they're pretty much the same.

TLDR2; How can I go to a hospital to meet a psychologist? What if I get corona? What if they get corona? I've been sick for weeks, and in a self-imposed quarantine and told the psychologist that I'm sick, and still they wanted to meet me. What an idiot. If I have a corona (I haven't been tested but it's likely because I've had some of the symptoms for about two months now), I should stay at home. Not go to hospital with lots of other people to infect everyone. I swear a lot of teachers and psychologists are the most low IQ people ever. (No offense to good teachers. There are many good teachers!)

Someone I know worked with teachers for ten years, and was always telling stories about how most of them are idiots. For example, the teachers would be told "The numbers must be given in 10 days, because right after that, the reports will be printed." And then the teachers would frequently miss the deadlines and tell secretaries to reprint the papers because "I gave little Timmy an 8 because he got 8s from all the tests, but then I remembered that he didn't raise his hand much, so I want to lower the number to a 7. I also want raise Anne's number because she gave me home-baked cookies on my birthday. What? What do you mean the deadline was a week ago? What do you mean you're too busy to reprint them?". And when it came to ordering things, it was the same thing. "What do you mean we don't currently have the money to buy dozens of new computers?! What do you mean the last day to order books was five days ago? Why can't we have a field trip ready by tomorrow?". Teachers are often really childish, most psychologist completely mentally ill. It's been also found that veterinarians are more likely to do things with animals than other people (I'm talking about that thing that's legal in Finland, illegal almost everywhere else). Funny. A coincidence? No.

Shit. I wrote a novel. 5 and half pages. I'd like to write a real novel someday. But novels must also include bad and evil and annoying people. People I wouldn't want to be friends with. All kinds of people. I don't know if I'd be able to write people I don't like. I'd probably torture all my least favorite characters. "Alex hates elves and likes pea soup even though pea soap is disgusting and elves amazing, so I'll make Alex fall down a cliff". Haha. "Adrian has a pet skunk. That's so cool! Here. Have a surprise lottery win even though you didn't even buy a lottery ticket!"

I feel a little better now. I hope I'll be able to sleep tonight. I hope the world will be a better place tomorrow. :)
 
I

IsThisTheEnd?

Wise
Joined
Aug 6, 2020
Messages
270
Why_!!!!!!!!Just for god sake Why !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!you know what I mean. Why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just give me a fucking an answer a solution, something,Anything!
 
coeur.brisé

coeur.brisé

Illuminated
Joined
Jun 4, 2020
Messages
1,346
It's raining. I swear, as crazy as it sounds, The rain comes when I hurt inside. It's like the clouds are crying with me. It makes me feel sadder because of this. ;-;
 
C

Compodulator

Illuminated
Joined
Nov 8, 2018
Messages
1,295
I just woke up from the oddest dream.
I had a room mate - a kinda cartoony looking black girl. She had kind of like pigtails, except with afros, and was wearing very complicated shoes/boots. Lots of buckles, laces, various latches and zippers. I would wait until she's distracted, at which point I would steal these shoes off of her feet, and when she would notice, she would get pissed off, and to calm her down I would massage her back with them, making her do generic "I am physically pleased" noises, kind of like a very happy cat.
She falls asleep, I shove the shoes into her afros and run away for a while.
We then spend some time together, at which point, the cycle repeats.

I am now sad because I believe I would enjoy being room mates with a girl despite the funny "horror stories" posted on reddit/tumblr about the "horrors" that is the logistics of female toiletries use, and at the same time how difficult it would be to massage a woman so that it would be pleasant for her with her shoes.

Even more oddly, I remember the shoes/boots very well - imagine this, but with a lot of random patches of leather of zippers, latches, and buckles, going all the way up to the groin. If I could draw above the level of a toddler with severe chronic tremors and the condition where one has trouble with 3d perception, I would even attempt to draw them.
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
thrw_a_way1221221 Discussion What are your thoughts on red flag laws? Offtopic 7

Similar threads

Top