Random thoughts

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throwaway123

throwaway123

Hell0
Aug 5, 2018
1,322
5,202
I can't sleep. I feel fucking miserable and worthless and I can't live like this any longer but I know I can't ctb. I wish someone would just help me....
I've passed the point of no return. I'm broken beyond repair and its been a long time now. I have to go.
 
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Morphinekiss

Morphinekiss

don’t know how to leave or how to stay
Jun 8, 2019
866
2,064
I hope you’re somewhere happy
 
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C

Compodulator

Elementalist
Nov 8, 2018
701
2,109
Israel's hospital system is going through massive changes because some law expired. This makes things expensive. This makes private doctors less expensive. The problem: I've never heard of private doctors in Israel.
USA? Yeah, sure, land of capitalism. They got private prisons ffs! Israel, though?
Where am I going to find a private neurosurgeon?
 
notjustyetagain

notjustyetagain

Veteran
Oct 28, 2019
121
739
i've completely stopped knowing what i'm doing. my life has spiralled out of control and i'm just trying to look away. i thought i was on autopilot before, but now... i'm not even here. i am not in control. all i've got is a brief window into the past -- perpetual regret, trying to catch up to the present, but it's always out of reach. things are going to get bad. i'm not going to last much longer. i can't breathe when i handle my SN. i can't sleep or eat. i'm scared.
 
BrokenHopes

BrokenHopes

What doesn't kill you, f*cks you up.
Nov 27, 2019
42
144
Watching the old Coca cola christmas commercial which I used to see as a child and they still show the same commercial. Im thinking back at how it was and that my life now has come to this. There is a deep despair in me over everything.
 
BlueWidow

BlueWidow

Illuminated
Watching the old Coca cola christmas commercial which I used to see as a child and they still show the same commercial. Im thinking back at how it was and that my life now has come to this. There is a deep despair in me over everything.
I remember those commercials. I like the one with the polar bears. I also like the M&M commercial where Red and Yellow see Santa. They all point to each other and say, "Oh my God, he DOES exist ( or they DO exist)!" and they all faint. :smiling:
 
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BrokenHopes

BrokenHopes

What doesn't kill you, f*cks you up.
Nov 27, 2019
42
144
I remember those commercials. I like the one with the polar bears. I also like the M&M commercial where Red and Yellow see Santa. They all point to each other and say, "Oh my God, he DOES exist ( or they DO exist)!" and they all faint. :smiling:
Yes those commercials makes me a bit nostalgic. Don't know the one with the polar bears. The one I saw is the one with the big Coca cola truck and all the lights and a child running after it to watch. Had forgotten about the M&M one, it is funny.
 
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notjustyetagain

notjustyetagain

Veteran
Oct 28, 2019
121
739
i burn with the desire to share, to be heard, to matter. but when i try to say something concrete and real, nothing comes. everyone else seems perfectly "personified" in comparison. everyone else bleeds with authenticity. i want to touch someone, but i recoil when given the chance. i want to acknowledge someone, but it seems patronising. who am i to justify anyone? what benefit is there to being validated by an invalid? i want people to believe that i understand, but how dare i suggest that i do? i want to hug my loved ones and tell them that i'm sorry, but i'll never change -- so even my contrition is false! i'm an impostor with nothing to offer. not even the fact i make myself sick counts. i frantically tear away mask after mask, desperate to reach bedrock, but there's nothing there. i want to feel like a person but i haven't earnt that privilege. too scared to take a chance. CTB is just my last-ditch attempt at sincerity?

my death will signify something real? but my life hasn't. all i've ever identified with is alienation. how can i think i've earnt my right to lie down and die? i haven't even stood up to live! pathetic to the extent of being offensive. joke: trying to convince myself my shame is righteous. please, hide me.
 
BlueWidow

BlueWidow

Illuminated
Yes those commercials makes me a bit nostalgic. Don't know the one with the polar bears. The one I saw is the one with the big Coca cola truck and all the lights and a child running after it to watch. Had forgotten about the M&M one, it is funny.
Yes, I remember the one with the Coca-Cola truck and the child running after it as well.
I saw on some documentary somewhere that our current idea of what Santa Claus looks like actually comes from old Coca-Cola commercials and ads in magazines and newspapers. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but if it is it proves the power of advertising. :heart:
How beautiful would it be if someone was to love you unconditionally?
Too bad some of us won't even believe even if it happened.
This is very true. I think my husband loved me as unconditionally as one human being can love another, yet I ran away from him for 5 years because I didn’t believe he was sincere. I learned the hard way from my family when I was growing up that you can’t trust anyone and that people only love you when you do things for them and you are being “good enough”, which I apparently hardly ever was. Even well into our marriage, I never completely trusted my husband. I was just too afraid to, even though I knew he loved me. I also realize how special and precious that kind of love is and I’m so sorry that every one of you here hasn’t had that experience.
I still don’t understand how I got so lucky to find a person to give me that kind of love. I tried very hard when he was alive to never take it for granted.
Of course, having that kind of love and then losing it, as I have, makes the loss even more heartbreaking. :heart::hug:
 
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BlueWidow

BlueWidow

Illuminated
Does anyone else ever notice that there are usually more guests than members on here?

I'm always curious what is stopping them from joining.

I lurked here for around 7 months before joining and wasted my whole summer buying supplies and attempting the "night night" method. I finally gave up and joined in October and found SN. My supplies arrived just in time for the stupid holidays to start.

I sometimes wish I could just do it now and not give a shit about the fallout, but I've decided to wait for the sake of a few people who I want to have a pleasant holiday season. Once a doormat, always a doormat.
I feel like a doormat letting other people force me to wait. :I
 
Lost1234

Lost1234

Xentos
Jun 20, 2018
60
180
Somehwhere in Africa.
Does anyone else ever notice that there are usually more guests than members on here?

I'm always curious what is stopping them from joining.

I lurked here for around 7 months before joining and wasted my whole summer buying supplies and attempting the "night night" method. I finally gave up and joined in October and found SN. My supplies arrived just in time for the stupid holidays to start.

I sometimes wish I could just do it now and not give a shit about the fallout, but I've decided to wait for the sake of a few people who I want to have a pleasant holiday season. Once a doormat, always a doormat.
I feel like a doormat letting other people force me to wait. :I

Wonder the same thing too,
 
N

Nozzlehead

Member
Nov 16, 2019
50
28
I kind of wish I had cancer or some terminal illness, so I could feel like I have a good reason to ctb and people would understand.

It's probably a terrible thought though.
 
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TearyEyedQueen

TearyEyedQueen

In the wrong timeline
Nov 14, 2019
369
871
I can'take it anymore. Even my family hurt me. Whenever I try to talk I try to get dissmissed and yelled at. I'm quitting university because it's too much. I'm in too much mental pain and I want to bang my head against a wall. I have no one. I never had. I don't feel safe anywhere. What could I have possibly done to deserve this kind of life?
 
ReverendGreen

ReverendGreen

Sleepy
Jun 27, 2019
111
251
I hate hate hate work so much and I'm not even making enough to pay all my bills
Wish all this stress would go away

I kind of wish I had cancer or some terminal illness, so I could feel like I have a good reason to ctb and people would understand.

It's probably a terrible thought though.
I've felt the same way.
I think if I had some horrible disease I might have enough motivation or courage to actually go through with ctb too.
 
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noctiva

noctiva

the invisible girl
Nov 6, 2019
399
2,108
HEL
I can'take it anymore. Even my family hurt me. Whenever I try to talk I try to get dissmissed and yelled at. I'm quitting university because it's too much. I'm in too much mental pain and I want to bang my head against a wall. I have no one. I never had. I don't feel safe anywhere. What could I have possibly done to deserve this kind of life?
This is straight from my heart, I could have written this myself. Thank you @TearyEyedQueen. I am sorry you feel this way, the pain is so excruciating, I hear you. Feel hugged.
 
Morphinekiss

Morphinekiss

don’t know how to leave or how to stay
Jun 8, 2019
866
2,064
It would be cheaper to cremate me than to keep paying for insurance and all the tests I’ll have to keep having done.
 
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L

Life sucks

Illuminated
Apr 18, 2018
1,121
3,864
Logic about life is brutal and humans escape the truth in order to live and avoid cognitive dissonance. The logical conclusion that happens in mind is contradictory with the biological body goals.
 
TearyEyedQueen

TearyEyedQueen

In the wrong timeline
Nov 14, 2019
369
871
Consider anything I've ever written about my family on this forum false. Yesterday it was confirmed to me that after all, they are the most responsible for my state nowadays. Funny how I sometimes got beaten for coming home with a B but they didn't give a shit when I gotseverely abused at school.
 
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