Random thoughts

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millefeui

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Mar 31, 2018
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I thought this thread could be interesting. Sometimes one might have a topic they want to talk about or just vent, but they might think it is not worth making a thread about it.

For example, I will start.

Earlier when I was taking a shower, I remembered something I had long forgotten and it made me realize I might have been wishing for death for longer than I thought. It was of my belief that I started wishing to die around my 15 years old mark or so, but even before that, I now remember fantasizing in my head about dying to protect/save someone. The someone in question would change, but they were usually my yearly school crush (I pretty much had a different crush every year when I was a kid). It is weird, isn't it? Even as a 10 years old or so kid, death was already a common thought for me. I wonder why...



Anything goes, but keep it civil and no prejudice/hatred here, please. If the thread isn't interesting, just let it fade away — Eventually it will be buried by other new threads.
 
Nemiik

Nemiik

Member
May 11, 2018
15
87
I've always had thoughts of death since I was young, too. But it was both of me dying, and of killing people, though.

I've also always been pro-choice in terms of suicide, wondering why people were so upset at someone deciding to die. I got you'd be sad to lose someone in your life, but they wanted to make that decision.
Idk, I just think there should be more respect for what they choose and less... idk, something. Pity? Stop acting like they were forced or murdered, I guess? :v At the very least stop freaking out the moment

I didn't get it, still don't. I try to, though. People won't try to understand you if you dont try to understand them. :P
 
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millefeui

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Mar 31, 2018
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I've always had thoughts of death since I was young, too. But it was both of me dying, and of killing people, though.

I've also always been pro-choice in terms of suicide, wondering why people were so upset at someone deciding to die. I got you'd be sad to lose someone in your life, but they wanted to make that decision.
Idk, I just think there should be more respect for what they choose and less... idk, something. Pity? Stop acting like they were forced or murdered, I guess? :v At the very least stop freaking out the moment

I didn't get it, still don't. I try to, though. People won't try to understand you if you dont try to understand them. :P
I think the idea of killing yourself shakes the foundation of what a lot of people have to support themselves and endure all the nonsense life throws at you. They brainwash themselves into believing life is good, the world is beautiful, etc and it is worth fighting for it, but then... Someone chooses to die and that belief is suddenly shaken... If life is so good, why would someone choose to end it sooner? So instead of trying to understand and accept suicide as a normal thing, they choose the easier route: To demonize and condemn the act.
 
Nemiik

Nemiik

Member
May 11, 2018
15
87
I think the idea of killing yourself shakes the foundation of what a lot of people have to support themselves and endure all the nonsense life throws at you. They brainwash themselves into believing life is good, the world is beautiful, etc and it is worth fighting for it, but then... Someone chooses to die and that belief is suddenly shaken... If life is so good, why would someone choose to end it sooner? So instead of trying to understand and accept suicide as a normal thing, they choose the easier route: To demonize and condemn the act.
Yeah. I'm sure that view comes from their perspective of wanting to "save" those who don't want to live anymore. It's good intentions, but they're in such hard belief that living is the only good choice they can't see the other side as, won't even humor it.
They're just making worse for those who want to die, making the only methods unsafe and dangerous... and unable to bring up plans of what the living should do after they've chosen to die. ( not without lying ), and not being able to at least brace those living for a life without them.

Etc.

It'd be so much better for everyone if suicide was less demonized, I think. Though that's just a hypothesis.
 
C

Caerula

Veteran
Mar 20, 2018
145
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Outside of my kindergarten there was a tower that I could see very clearly at night because of a single dot of red light that shined at the very top of the tower. I remember staring at that fleck of red light one night thinking would it be better if I don't exist. I still can't figure out what made think like that though.
 
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Caerula

Veteran
Mar 20, 2018
145
463
Some random thoughts...

It's fun seeing Cyanide liking every other posts (or even more posts than every other ones) XD

I follow people when I'm just curious about what they will post in the future. But I'm terrified when I see people following me. Not that they are doing anything wrong... I guess I just don't feel comfortable being seen or something.
 
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mwu14

Member
Apr 21, 2018
53
160
Whenever I'm ready to attempt, it's usually at night and I'm not alone. It's not that I feel better during the day. I just get distracted and not alone then either.

I'm not even sure my method would work, but it feels like I have to hold back if I know there's other people home.
 
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mwu14

Member
Apr 21, 2018
53
160
Night (and rain) adds to the mood of dying. It romanticizes it a bit, even though there is nothing particularly pretty about death.

Also, I think half of my likes come from Cyanide.
I'm not sure if it's the romanticizing part for me. I've read that it's common for people with depression to crash at night. It feels like it's the only time I'm desperate enough to attempt without overthinking it.
 
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millefeui

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Mar 31, 2018
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I'm not sure if it's the romanticizing part for me. I've read that it's common for people with depression to crash at night. It feels like it's the only time I'm desperate enough to attempt without overthinking it.
Alright. Just my two cents up there.

If it means anything, my attempts were all at night, so you might be right on that.
 
HangInThere

HangInThere

Just hanging around
Apr 27, 2018
31
108
Night (and rain) adds to the mood of dying. It romanticizes it a bit, even though there is nothing particularly pretty about death.
Agree, but I think the reason majority of people attempt at night is because it's more likely that no one will intervene. Personally I want to do it in the morning, very early may I add, for the same reason. No one will be around (I assume) to stop my attempt.
 
Cyanide

Cyanide

It's muffin time!!!
Apr 13, 2018
39
260
Some random thoughts...

It's fun seeing Cyanide liking every other posts (or even more posts than every other ones) XD

I follow people when I'm just curious about what they will post in the future. But I'm terrified when I see people following me. Not that they are doing anything wrong... I guess I just don't feel comfortable being seen or something.
Night (and rain) adds to the mood of dying. It romanticizes it a bit, even though there is nothing particularly pretty about death.

Also, I think half of my likes come from Cyanide.
I just like all the posts as I have a habit of doing so. Until and unless there's something that I strongly disagree with, I don't care. I usually also give a shit load of likes on other places such as Reddit, Quora, etc. Anyways, the quality of most of the posts here is really good and way beyond what is usually seen on many forums, thanks everyone for building and participating in this beautiful community.
 
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FakeNews

Veteran
Apr 30, 2018
150
420
Agree, but I think the reason majority of people attempt at night is because it's more likely that no one will intervene. Personally I want to do it in the morning, very early may I add, for the same reason. No one will be around (I assume) to stop my attempt.
I’m a fan of either sunrise or sunset — depending on my mood. There is something meaningful to me to synchronize my going/ coming with Ra, the first god of most cultures on this little blue planet.
 
L

Life sucks

Illuminated
Apr 18, 2018
1,367
5,023
I want to know what happened to the ctbing members. I really wish them peace and zero suffering in the attempt.

I also want to tell them to take me with them. I had enough of this life already.

I feel everyone here is a friend and I'll feel sad if I lose someone. I don't know anything about you but you are better than the scumbags that fills the earth.

If I get a painless death, I'll be happy and die with a smile without a doubt. At least I knew it all how this life is shit and how fake things are. I don't regret knowledge even if it kills me and I'd rather die knowing rather than living ignorant.
 
L

Life sucks

Illuminated
Apr 18, 2018
1,367
5,023
I really hope Sonnenblume finds peace and no pain or suffering.

Good byes are sad and everything ends in this temporary life. Everyday we lose a dear person or something. Its very sad and its better that I say good bye to this madness (ctb)
 
thatguyakira123

thatguyakira123

Veteran
Apr 10, 2018
179
643
I was just thinkig I wish I had 1 person in the real world I can relate to. Just one person, it doesn't even have to be suicide, but anything else. Hardest thing about being an outcast in a small country is bearly having anybody to relate to.
 
L

Life sucks

Illuminated
Apr 18, 2018
1,367
5,023
I'm incompatible with this life specially after I know how it works. If I choose to live, it'll be a big lie filled with suffering. Even if I fill it with distractions, someday the body will be useless and life will be ugly when everything will just fade away. Ctbing is rational. Although there is 1% of life that I love but 99% is suffering.
 
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millefeui

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Mar 31, 2018
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I might have appendicitis. The pain is somewhat acute and while it comes and goes, it keeps coming back. Totally looking forward to spending days and nights in a hospital, eating bad food and wearing ugly "clothes". I am so self conscious about this body that I would stay the whole time without drinking and eating so I wouldn't need to get up from the bed to go to the toilet.

If a ruptured appendices wasn't painful as hell and I didn't have my dog to take care of, I would let it explode so it would kill me eventually.

But maybe, hopefully, I just gastritis or whatever.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,574
6,648
I was thinking about how is life possible and how I born. We are a huge group of cells, what is the difference between me and one of the million of microorganisms inside me? Am I one of this cells or the result of something more advanced, the product of the union of millions of cells? Between all species in this world why an human? Why not a wild animal of even a plant? Was I destined to have capacity for thinking about this or is just coincidence?
It's almost impossible for us being alive. Very specific reactions were need for creating an habitable planet, creating the first primal cells and years of evolution. My family had to survive during generarions and their ancestors before the humans existed. My parents were to conceive me in the exact moment. And even with all this, I was one against millions of spermatozoons. The chances are so ridiculously low that is an absolute mistery how I am alive.

I feel like I'm trying to think about something superior to me. Too many questions without answer, so much desolation. I'm getting very confused with this.
 
thatguyakira123

thatguyakira123

Veteran
Apr 10, 2018
179
643
These days I feel like such a hypocrite to myself. I'm always either worried about things or dissapointed in myself. I have to convince myself daily on what's true and what's not and yet still my mind fills me with thoughts of how I'm responsible for wasting away my life and how much of a burden I am to my mom. I can't sand the thoughts in my head anymore and I wish my feelings would fuck off. Right now, I feel like I myself am a lie. And I'm also scared, I'm sick of always feeling scared and being self depricating.
 
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FakeNews

Veteran
Apr 30, 2018
150
420
These days I feel like such a hypocrite to myself. I'm always either worried about things or dissapointed in myself. I have to convince myself daily on what's true and what's not and yet still my mind fills me with thoughts of how I'm responsible for wasting away my life and how much of a burden I am to my mom. I can't sand the thoughts in my head anymore and I wish my feelings would fuck off. Right now, I feel like I myself am a lie. And I'm also scared, I'm sick of always feeling scared and being self depricating.
The one thing that might bring you some comfort is knowing that you certainly aren’t alone in those thoughts. I frequently feel like a disappointment, a fraud just biding time before I’m found out, a fool for thinking that the future will be better than the past, and naive for believing in happiness, truth, and justice.

We may be fucked up in the head, but we are certainly not alone.
 
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millefeui

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Mar 31, 2018
1,037
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I started playing Horizon Zero Dawn a few hours ago, just after I got my PS4 (gift of a dear friend, I could never afford one myself). I have only played the first hour of the game and it is already playing with my feelings. There are these two characters, Aloy (the protagonist) and Rost (her father figure) and their relationship just makes me smile (for now, at least).

I wonder if this kind of relationship in fiction affects me because my family relations are super trash, almost nonexistent. I also have strong maternal instincts, even though I can't even have babies (and honestly, if I could, I am not sure I would want to bring a kid to this world). Though, I could always adopt, but I would also not want a kid to be raised by a suicidal, messed up person like me.

The Last of Us is one of my favorite games and it is partially because of Joel and Ellie's relationship.

It is just... interesting.
 
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