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Random reasons not to kill yourself popping up

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georgianpie

Member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
24
Hi everyone, I have a question - do you tend to grasp at any hope when it really seems you are prepared to CTB? Obviously, I'm not expecting any definitive answer -just want to see if anyone has similar experiences, and what you make of it.

Today my previous job offer me a 5 month contract, for which I didn't even apply. It's a well paid position, doing what I like and working with people who I adore. The problem is, it really really is a bad timing, as I was supposed to kill myself next week. I got my N. I notarised my will. This week I will finish all the administrative stuff left and prepare notes for my friends.

I'm just wondering if I'm looking for excuses not to kill myself. I don't remember the last day I was happy. I had a really shitty childhood, which wasted my 20s with PTSD, follwed by a series of other blows, with my but my fianceé having a whole relationship behind my back when I was extremely depressed. I know it is not much compared to many people here, but it made me lose all happiness and hope, and make me not be able to trust again.

The only reason I'm not dead is not wanting to hurt my friends. Accepting this job would seem only like postponing the inevitable. It happened many times in the last, and looking back I'd be much better off if I killed myself each time instead.
 
TheSomebody

TheSomebody

Veteran
Joined
Sep 28, 2020
Messages
133
I postponed it every time and every time I regretted it. When we keep postponing something, we become addicted to it and never end up performing the act.
 
J

judithim

Member
Joined
Apr 24, 2020
Messages
7
life is not an inherently good thing, but it’s also not an inherently bad thing. maybe this new job will improve your life and make you less suicidal? whatever you choose, good luck :)
 
Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Illuminated
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
1,856
I have a few reasons to live, mostly having to do with all my various intense interests. It's hard to ignore those.
I know it is not much compared to many people here, but it made me lose all happiness and hope, and make me not be able to trust again.
You're right it's not much compared to lots of others but that's not important.

The job offer gave you hope.

As far as not being able to trust. I've never been able to trust but that is something I can live with. I just assume I will be stabbed in the back or dumped or whatever. That's life. It's something you can live with in my opinion.

That job offer sounds like at least a reason to try it out and postpone your ctb plan which you can always come back to.
Today my previous job offer me a 5 month contract, for which I didn't even apply. It's a well paid position, doing what I like and working with people who I adore.
Go for it!
 
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