[Venting] Rage Megathread.

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Brick In The Wall

Brick In The Wall

2M Or Not 2B.
Oct 30, 2019
8,528
10,259
United States.
So my ex wife was literally chasing me downtown for a block today. I ignored her and kept going, why the fuck won't she just leave me alone?

I've been trying to rebuild my life for almost a year now. But it keeps looking like CTB is my inevitable fate.
 
Nyxx33

Nyxx33

Member
May 8, 2020
54
187
Despite all my rage Im still just a rat in a cage.

Even if warranted... anger fixes or changes nothing. Can’t change other people’s behaviors but my own. Clearly. That’s hard enough as it is lol. Being angry at someone is holding a hot coal expecting the other person to feel it or even care

All that energy is best served in working out, rocking out, and sexing.

2 out of 3 is good enough (if you count walking fast and breaking sticks along the way). Should’ve gotten into kick boxing
Rawr.

 
foreverbroken28

foreverbroken28

I've gone off the deep end.
Jul 11, 2019
125
402
I'm sorry. This will be long as fuck. I felt this thread was more appropriate than the Ss lounge thread..

Here goes..

I never meant to but I met a man who is famous and fell in love with him and now I'm suffering for it for 3 years because I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I won't get into details but we became friends and I help him with some minor public relations stuff. I broke his trust last year because I got angry over something & overreacted and posted our texts on social media. I apologized for it & instantly regretted it but the entire situation is so EFFEd up. It's what drove me to join this site last year.

He has forgiven me but he's keeping his distance and I definitely don't blame him. But at the same time I cannot live with these intense feelings of loss. Plus, seeing other women claiming to have a crush on him and him saying Hi to his fangirls while he keeps leaving ME on read & only "liking" stuff I say makes it worse.. ESPECIALLY because we used to be like 2 peas in a pod & now we dwindled down into NOTHINGNESS.

When some people have BPD, it feels as though losing someone you love is like losing a child or parent. I LOVED that man with all my heart. I wanna CUT so bad but my family will see the Mark's. But SHIT I'm crying & SO hurt right now.

People think love is a shitty reason to CTB but it's not necessarily love that's forced my hand but my own mental illness, BPD intense emotions. They will never ever go away and I can't afford treatment. I am tired and I just wanna go. I honestly wish I could delete myself today but I have to wait on antiemetic.

I just wish he would give me another try and come back to being cool with me but I know the wish is too much to ask. I just don't wanna be alive anymore and I set my date to July so that it would give me time to prepare and make sure it's what I wanna do. (Even though I am sure now.)

The day the bus comes, I'm gonna wipe my phone clean, hammer it and tie it up and throw it in the garbage so that I can't call for any help and so evidence of his and I's involvement will be destroyed. I don't want him and his life dragged down because of my stupid feelings. It's not fair to him. I wouldn't want that for someone I love.

The thing that has always made me want to CTB is that my feelings are extremely intense and I have abandonment triggers and this BPD rollercoaster has been going on for 16 damn years. 16 years of people telling me it gets better and it has ONLY gotten WORSE.

I know people think it's ridiculous but I cannot HELP these emotions nor can they be ignored. I'm in the bathroom right now because it was the only way I had to get away and cry without family asking what's the matter. Talking about it never works or helps. I'm sick of this shit. I'm so sick of my sick brain. I must detach myself to escape it.

I've prayed for amnesia and did everything I could and I'm still hyperventilating over this. NOTHING FUCKING WORKS. NOTHING. Of course there are plenty of other things that are contributing but THIS is the main thing.

I am feeling self conscious about this post but I just.. I am hurting very badly. Being dead will silence my brain. I believe that dead is dead quiet. That's exactly my aim. There is no time for fear.
 
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enjolras

enjolras

Saw the angel shine through the jellyfish
Feb 13, 2020
1,201
2,049

Boiling inside : nerves exposed raw in front of this hellish flock of sheep !

Had long forgotten what is was to be stuck in a traffic jam. All these tourists visiting my country to get duty free cigarettes & alcohol, as first thing in mind after the EU frontiers reopening. Really, nothing else ?



Virtual crushing : take that, filthy crowd !
 
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foreverbroken28

foreverbroken28

I've gone off the deep end.
Jul 11, 2019
125
402
Hi @foreverbroken28
I am sorry you’ve been having such a hard time. Your post really resonates with me. Have you ever tried DBT? I understand totally.. as I have BPD as well. It is exhausting.
Hello @Nyxx33, yeah I did try DBT but I'm a stubborn failure and have no self will, so I'm too weak for it. I try to avoid negative music, triggers & etc but I get intrusive thoughts and etc. Yes, BPD is exhausting. I wonder if BPD is why you're here?

It will never change because even if I do get over this guy, my emotions will just find something else to wanna die about. I attempted suicide 5 times & one time it was over something incredibly stupid but the main reason was the feelings from it.

Finding this forum helped me finally find a cheaper way to CTB that I *know* will work...and though people may see it like something negative I think it is positive because then I won't have to suffer anymore. Plus I'm a burden on my family because of my anxiety. So, I think it's best for everyone if I just stepped off the planet. They will be hurt but I am hurting too...and I have to live with this intense pain. They don't.

I am a bit paranoid about so called "Do gooders" .. Good samaritans will make things worse. If someone thinks taking my SN & putting me in a ward for the millionth time will work, I will just get out and hang immediately out of spite.
 
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Nyxx33

Nyxx33

Member
May 8, 2020
54
187
Hello @Nyxx33, yeah I did try DBT but I'm a stubborn failure and have no self will, so I'm too weak for it. I try to avoid negative music, triggers & etc but I get intrusive thoughts and etc. Yes, BPD is exhausting. I wonder if BPD is why you're here?

It will never change because even if I do get over this guy, my emotions will just find something else to wanna die about. I attempted suicide 5 times & one time it was over something incredibly stupid but the main reason was the feelings from it.

Finding this forum helped me finally find a cheaper way to CTB that I *know* will work...and though people may see it like something negative I think it is positive because then I won't have to suffer anymore. Plus I'm a burden on my family because of my anxiety. So, I think it's best for everyone if I just stepped off the planet. They will be hurt but I am hurting too...and I have to live with this intense pain. They don't.

I am a bit paranoid about so called "Do gooders" .. Good samaritans will make things worse. If someone thinks taking my SN & putting me in a ward for the millionth time will work, I will just get out and hang immediately out of spite.
I am not here just because of BPD. I’ve had suicidal ideation because of it yes but I joined because I destroyed my career among other things and wanted out. But fear has me stuck here.

I understand being easily triggered and your mind always going to that as a solution. I wish I had not wasted my life taking those thoughts seriously when I had a lot of stability otherwise. Now with career gone and other choices I’ve made it feels different like I will be driven by circumstance. Anyway, is there anything that has helped you cope with the emotions? Maybe staying away from triggers? Although we can’t avoid everything in life.. You’re in my thoughts!
 
foreverbroken28

foreverbroken28

I've gone off the deep end.
Jul 11, 2019
125
402
I am not here just because of BPD. I’ve had suicidal ideation because of it yes but I joined because I destroyed my career among other things and wanted out. But fear has me stuck here.

I understand being easily triggered and your mind always going to that as a solution. I wish I had not wasted my life taking those thoughts seriously when I had a lot of stability otherwise. Now with career gone and other choices I’ve made it feels different like I will be driven by circumstance. Anyway, is there anything that has helped you cope with the emotions? Maybe staying away from triggers? Although we can’t avoid everything in life.. You’re in my thoughts!
My condolences to you for the career situation. :( When you say "fear has me stuck here" do you mean you're afraid to die and this forum helps you cope? It seems like you feel eventually life will force you to CTB, no? I usually drink and take benadryl to get high.. I'm drunk and high right now as I write this but I just got done crying like a baby over my circumstance. I feel like a lost cause.

Hey, thanks for being so nice to me. If you ever need to vent or someone to talk to you, you can send me a pm. I''ve actually had training to listen to other people's problems, which is ironic.
 
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Nyxx33

Nyxx33

Member
May 8, 2020
54
187
My condolences to you for the career situation. :( When you say "fear has me stuck here" do you mean you're afraid to die and this forum helps you cope? It seems like you feel eventually life will force you to CTB, no? I usually drink and take benadryl to get high.. I'm drunk and high right now as I write this but I just got done crying like a baby over my circumstance. I feel like a lost cause.

Hey, thanks for being so nice to me. If you ever need to vent or someone to talk to you, you can send me a pm. I''ve actually had training to listen to other people's problems, which is ironic.
Sure thing .. I am here too if you need someone to vent / talk to. I am sorry you’ve been struggling so much.
I am stuck as in I can’t bring myself to die. The forum isn’t super helpful but I’m kind of addicted. Couple of things I’ve been addicted to as of late. But anywho.. you’re not alone. Sending warm hug!
 
RileyTanaka

RileyTanaka

ill / failure
Mar 20, 2020
235
627
There is nothing more rage worthy than seeing able bodied users on here looking for ways to "contract terminal illness" because they don't have the fucking spine to find a viable way to overcome their survival instinct. How are users on here who are chronically ill or disabled supposed to feel reading that? Do you realize how stupid and trivializing you sound? Do you know how much suffering that entails? Do you honestly think it will eradicate your survival instinct? There are some seriously moronic opinions on here.
 
F

FusRohDracarys

But what do I know
Mar 31, 2020
200
318
I'm really irritated at public health professionals right now.
Last month's protests: yOU'rE a dANgeR tO pUbLiC hEAltH, sELfiSH DoUChe
This month's protests: Oh, there's no harm. Carry on.

The hypocrisy really cheeses me off.
 
R

RubySimon

Genderless and hopeless
Oct 13, 2018
16
63
I am furious that yet again marginalized folks, in paticular black folk. Have to yet again try to demand that the police pigs of the world stop fucking killing them.

I hate that no matter what they do. People will still defend the bastards in blue.
 
BitterlyAlive

BitterlyAlive

Tired of the pain.
Apr 8, 2020
263
708
America, land of the "free".
I'm really pissed at myself. I got really, really drunk and posted about it like an attention-seeking asshole. I think I ended up sleeping for a while but I also remember doing something pretty stupid. I don't know what happened other than that.

I feel really sick. I had to call into work because I can't move without upsetting my stomach.

I've never gotten so drunk before. At least this horrible nausea keeps me from doing something else stupid, so whatever. I'm just angry at myself for being so dumb and having to call in again.
 
Simba

Simba

Missunderstood Potato
Dec 9, 2018
136
503
simba-5098.insanejournal.com
I am more sad than angry right now. I work as a cashier in the supermarket and i had a customer that has OCD and she was saying to me if i had gloves or alcogel and so on so i put alcohol gel on me and it calmed her down - but i said to her if you really don't want me touching your products then you can process them too. I was trying to be very nice helpful and understanding as im also disabled.. so she started passing her stuff ,and then i get this worker that does all the cancellation an stuff and she's like what am i doing an so on and i said that my customer has OCD and im just helping her... No one ever understands :( she was like saying how it isn't allowed and such and she stood there watching me ,making sure that IM passing the stuff and not the costumer :( and later i get a call from the main till saying why is a customer processing her stuff ? Is that her job ? And i just said you won't give me a chance to even explain ! It makes me really sad depressed and i feel really bad and really bummed out :( im useless if im nice. :( It makes me want to go away from here even more faster than ever :( no one ever really tried to understand.. too quick to judge and so on so what's the point to even try :(
 
Krash1990

Krash1990

Veteran
May 31, 2020
116
253
I wish I could feel rage right now. I’m the beginning I did. I felt in control and powerful. Now that I realize I have no control and I’m not powerful all I feel is sadness and emptiness.

This black hole in my chest grows larger by the day and it’s devouring everything I once found pleasurable.
 
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Circles

Circles

There's a difference between existing and living.
Sep 3, 2018
1,120
11,152
I swear it’s some sad random shit as always and of course right before I go to sleep. A dog next door that my dog used to play with and bark at/with has kept barking at around the times we used to let her out in the backyard ever since she died and now it’s getting to me more. It’s just such an innocent gesture I know he doesn’t know that she’s dead, but it’s depressing as hell especially how he keeps reminding of her no matter what or that I can’t communicate with the other dog to tell him she’s never coming back. I’ve gotten so tired of his barking lately that I’ve come close to yelling at him ‘She’s never coming back, deal with it’ or something cause it’s killing me each time I hear him bark especially knowing how that dog doesn’t get to play much at all or be loved by his owner as much as we did with her. He probably misses her as much as I do, but it’s like he expects her to come back I surely wish she could. And now I’m thinking how his life is probably full of loneliness, dissatisfaction, or whatever other sad shit and that’s just one dog out of millions who are feeling the same to some extent. I swear it’s sad fucking shit all the fucking time, it’s getting too much at this point like damn why does life have to relentlessly remind me of how goddamn depressing it is at basically all times? Why does everything have to be so damn serious all the damn time? Like holy hell please life fucking chill for once.
 
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TheSoulless

TheSoulless

Perpetual idiot
Jan 7, 2020
545
753
unknown
Prolifers make me so angry. I want to pound my fists against something but not sure what. I'm so fed up with the optimistic bullshit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Get your head out of there and think for yourself for once. Fuck. OFF.
 
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Nuclear Gandhi

Nuclear Gandhi

Member
May 11, 2020
53
163
I hate that my rope broke down. I hate that I survived again. I hate this slow and painful understanding that I am continuing to exist. I am so tired.
I hate my giant ego, that begs for validation and pity at the same time. I hate the scared lonely pathetic child inside of me, that hides from anything that challenges the state I am in, that poses any danger to my sweet rotting comfort zone. I hate my mind, incapable of genuine empathy to people, that is projecting my worldview on others and NEVER SHUTS UP. I hate feeling like a disease, poisoning other people by my mere negative presence. I hate my fingers that type this overdramatic pompous bullshit just to feel less empty. I hate being me, yet it's always I I I I I I I I I I I I I I..! I want this "I" to disappear without trace, yet still "I" want it! Tired of fighting myself day after day.
 
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Pryras

Pryras

...last resort
Feb 11, 2020
381
993
23
Canada
When people ask if you’re okay and you answer honestly and they ghost you. Uhm....if you didn’t want to hear it then don’t reach out? Don’t ask? I’d rather no one talk to me then do this shit instead.
 
thrw_a_way1221221

thrw_a_way1221221

Angel of Choice - on borrowed time.
Aug 30, 2018
4,395
14,216
This has been festering within me for a long time, usually over a year... but it's the fact that a bunch of well-intentioned people who want to encourage me spew off bullshit platitudes like "practice makes perfect" or some shit while not giving any constructive advice. I hate cliches and platitudes as they do not motivate me, but are rather just empty words and phrases muttered by the sayer to appear 'helpful'. Sure, maybe to most people they are really motivating and actually helpful. However, to someone like me, who is logical and operate under reasonable expectations and facts, it just doesn't sit well with me. I am not motivated unless I have a reasonable expectation combined with evidence to prove and/or ensure (maybe almost guarantee) that I will succeed before I can proceed. This applies to many facets in my life.

To be more exact, I do have sudden outbursts whenever I get reminded or triggered by such statements (or if those thoughts come into my mind). I'll be upset for a short time like an half hour (or over an hour) before I calm down again. With my sudden outbursts and reactions, it has given me unwanted attention so I'm working on curbing this kind of behavior as I don't want any red flags or people IRL to meddle/interfere with me especially when I plan to CTB this year (or later in the future).
 
F

FusRohDracarys

But what do I know
Mar 31, 2020
200
318
Holy shit man, I just remembered something. Like remembered, not just having a general awareness of.

For years, I have laughed and said I was an incorrigible child. I was a demon. No punishment could deter me. Time out chair? Cake. Standing in the corner facing the wall? Arms in the air, like some kind of criminal? In my sleep. Take away my toys? Screw you, I didn't need them anyway. Send me to my room early? Fine, I have an imagination to keep me entertained. Spank me with a slipper? A belt? I could take it. Until I was in my teen years and mellowed out of my own accord, there was nothing my parents could do to effectively punish me. I was a little rebel, and I admit, that's something I've held my head high for.

But one incident has always stuck out in my mind. I was older now. 12 or 13. For the last several years, I had refused to take any photos and would aggressively confront anyone who tried to take my picture. It was like waving a red flag at a bull. Everyone knew it would instantly set me off. But my family had to have their fucking Sears family photo in their fucking matching clothes. I refused.

My dad tried to appeal to me. I refused. He got angry and made a comment about how if I don't want to be part of his family, I could go back to my biological father. I got angrier and refused. My mom, the disciplinarian stepped in. She screamed at me and spanked me till I pissed myself. She made me change clothes into the clothes she'd picked out for me. The fucking pants didn't even fit me right. They dragged me to Sears and had me sit there, red-eyed, tear-streaked, and glaring at the camera with a scowl while the poor photographer took our photos. When we got home, they took away my books and my door. I was grounded for weeks.

Why? I was their property. I had no rights. I had no self autonomy or the right to refuse to have my photo taken. The fact I would dare defy them was appalling. Fuck them. I was old enough to make that decision for myself.

I was sharing this with my partner today in a pissing contest to see who got into more trouble as a kid. When I shared this story, the look on my partner's face gave me pause. And then it occurred to me to ask if this was child abuse. My partner's answer caused me to reflect on my experiences. Maybe those early memories of being spanked until I was hyperventilating and couldn't breathe were a little more than just an unpleasant experience.

They're really fucking lucky I'm going to CTB before they're old and decrepit. Otherwise I might be tempted to take them in and beat the piss out of them.

Shit man. It's always been an open ended question for me. I hear these horrible things that people on this site and in general go through. I've always wondered why I'm so angry and depressed, why I want to CTB when there was nothing in my life that warranted it. My parents were always telling me how lucky I am and how I should be grateful for the things I have and how they weren't perfect but they were good parents. But were they?

My sister tries so hard to be the "good child." But she will never have financial independence and I'm doubtful she'll ever have a relationship. She's entirely dependent on them and delusional to the realities of adult life.
My brother is socially stunted, riddled with anxiety and depression, and also entirely dependent on my parents and my sister. He has no friends, no idea what to do with his life, and no self esteem. He's young enough that he's not screwed yet, but old enough that he should have some idea.
I don't see a bright future for either of them unless they do some major growing in the next few years. Otherwise, before they know it, they'll be 30 and still living with mom and dad wondering what went wrong with their lives.

Yeah, maybe I've been a little shit. I was hyper independent and always demanded to know why. My mom was a young, first time mother who didn't really know what she was doing. But fuck them. They crossed a line. No wonder I live 12 hours away from them and haven't spoken to them in months. Lol. I don't remember why I started this rant and I don't have some neat way of concluding this crap... I just needed to get it off my chest I guess. Better here than rage texting them that they're miserable pieces of shit who should rot in hell.

Fuck my parents. I hope they get corona and die. Preferably, hyperventilating and gasping for air.