Preparing and accepting a degree of pain

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pillow933

pillow933

Member
Mar 7, 2020
36
35
I've been a bit confused by some of the recent posts on this forum, namely the ones that are in response to documentations of suicides by certain methods (most commonly SN).

Having spent a lot of time reading (and not so much time posting), I've seen enough posts regarding deaths due to SN to realise that no, it is likely not going to be 'peaceful' in the sense that you drink a liquid and pass away without the slightest of pain. However, at the same time it appears it is unlikely you will be in serious pain that causes great discomfort. You are ingesting a poison, one that is not chemically engineered to result in the peaceful passing of a human. Yes, it is likely there will be pain. This will of course vary person to person depending on the measures taken in preparation, but from what I've read and researched this pain is far from unbearable, and in the grand scale of things you must realise what you are undertaking. For me personally, the pain that I might experience through SN is beyond worth it to end the pain that I experience daily and that renders my life not worth living. Yes, ideally I could have a peaceful death where pain would be out of the question, however the only two methods that come to mind (N and exit bag) that can achieve this are simply not nearly as easy to come by or prepare for when compared to SN.

I suppose my question is, are people not willing to deal with the potential pain that SN might bring, even if they could ensure it would bring them certain death? It seems as though when confronted with the reality that SN is not a completely peaceful option, people are becoming quick to dismiss it. For a method that is as simple and appealing in terms of the method (simply drinking a fluid along with some medication) as SN, I would say it still appears to be a very attractive option.
 
glittergore

glittergore

the sea, the sea
Jun 16, 2020
83
322
23
I still have SN as my method despite knowing it may cause some pain. For a lot of people, a peaceful passing is a dream they're chasing. They've suffered so much in life and thus they don't want to suffer in death. Plus, I think many are just adverse to any pain as it is. It makes death more frightening. However, it's just a dream in the vast majority of cases. We're talking about killing ourselves; it seems natural that our body would try to notify us that we're doing something it doesn't want through pain. I'm not saying I'd deal with a super painful death like drowning or something, only that a bit of pain seems standard. With that in mind, I'm okay with SN. There is even a masochistic part of me that wants it to hurt, but I won't get into the psychodynamics behind that.
 
A

Anonymoussn

Wise
May 12, 2020
225
469
I'm not sure we can confidently call it 'pain'. It may well be. But the body has its defence mechanisms when dying. People convulse when they are being suffocated, like with partial suspension, for example - and those people aren't conscious but have even been known to stand up. Maybe people just unconsciously groan, perhaps due to the hypoxia, when taking SN? I'm not confident from the accounts we have that any of the people were actually conscious, which makes me think they might not have been in pain, and actually just had no idea what they were going through.

They could have been in pain though. I just dont think we will ever know the answer.

Either way, I would rather have a bit of pain with SN, than try a different method, as every other method I've come across I can find a bigger reason not to do it. But that's just my preference.
 
snuffcore

snuffcore

don’t forget those days that overflowed with love.
Jun 30, 2020
26
71
I think it’s just human nature... Survival instincts, being raised in a society that treats death like the ultimate worse thing... All that shit.
Personally, most of the time I fantasize about my own death it’s painful or very messy. Something about being innately masochistic to a degree, and feeling like I don’t deserve a peaceful ending. It’s very alluring. But in real life, I know I would never be able to carry out my death in that way. It’s not so much about being afraid of the pain itself, but rather about being afraid of my reaction to it, I wouldn’t want it to chicken me out of my attempt.
 
L

Living sucks

no one can understand
Mar 27, 2020
2,873
2,729
It is still the most popular and commonly used method on this site. The other that is used more often but less successful is partial.
People understand it is not completely pain free and still choose it.
For me I don’t want my last minutes being fear .. I live in fear every second of my existence bcuz I’m in pain nonstop.

Guilt and shame keep me here also hoping I’ll finally die in my sleep.. time is running out

but SN is all I have.

btw does this mean you didn’t dispose of your SN?
 
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pillow933

pillow933

Member
Mar 7, 2020
36
35
It is still the most popular and commonly used method on this site. The other that is used more often but less successful is partial.
People understand it is not completely pain free and still choose it.
For me I don’t want my last minutes being fear .. I live in fear every second of my existence bcuz I’m in pain nonstop.

Guilt and shame keep me here also hoping I’ll finally die in my sleep.. time is running out

but SN is all I have.

btw does this mean you didn’t dispose of your SN?
Having not found a way to dispose of it that would have been 100% safe, combined with the growing concern that it's becoming more difficult to get, I decided perhaps it's not best to dispose of at the moment.
 
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GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

I almost always edit my posts.
Jan 11, 2020
4,240
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Each person has their own tolerance. I already know for a fact that SN will aggravate my asthma, and I don't like suffocation, but I do like a guaranteed death. If it becomes the most viable and peaceful option, then I will have to overcome.

I've come to two conclusions about personal preference and abilities about methods, one from my own ponderings, one from a philosopher:

I came to some realizations about survival instinct.

I discovered there is a message for me in SI: "I just can't."

It happened when I first tried partial a couple years ago, pre-SS, and was going to bind my wrists behind me with zip ties so that I would be forced to commit. I had everything set up, including a bag over my head and the ligature around my neck and anchored. When it came time to pull tight the zip ties and commit, it was, "I just can't," and I aborted the attempt.

When I connected a hose to the propane in the oven, attached it to a garbage bag, and put the bag over my head, I was ready for a peaceful death and to be done. The CO buildup happened so fast, and it was so hot in the bag, I started hyperventilating, and thought "I just can't." I pulled it off of my head.

But here's the thing I realized.

I am terrified of heights because I do not have stereovision, so I don't see in 3-D or have decent depth perception. Jumping is not the method for me. However, if I were standing near a cliff and a band of terrorists was running toward me and I knew they would torture me, suddenly the survival instinct would be such that "I can't" would be in response to the greater threat, and I would jump. But if I had been in the World Trade Center, I think I would have been more likely to face the fire than to jump. At that extreme height, I might not even jump to escape imminent torture by a band of terrorists. For my body, that kind of height is an incomprehensible terror, and it just says, "No."

I have two peaceful methods lined up. If they fail, I will have to resort to SN. SN is a sure thing as far as I'm concerned, and I have a total aversion to dealing with doctors and being under their control, so calling emergency services is not an option. But I've already done tons of research and prep, and I know that there are certain symptoms I personally can't at this moment tolerate. I just can't. Somehow, I have to shift my mindset as if there is an immediate and far greater danger to avoid so that I can, something that will minimize my reaction to the symptoms, which I already am 100% certain I will experience from my testing the method (I have asthma, a tiny amount of SN got in my system because of a thoughtless move during blood testing, and the breathing issues kicked in). I go into a panic response when I feel suffocated. I have the same issue, but with a milder response, when wearing protective face masks. It's like the bag over my head: I just can't. With the masks, I can, but it's really fucking hard, and I have to work to not go into panic mode and rip it off. SN will take even more work, and with the additional symptoms, and knowing I'm going to die, for now, it's too much.

___________________________

I'm interested to hear responses to my working theory, which is:

Survival instinct is a message: "I just can't." Because of this message, one aborts an attempt, or never attempts certain methods at all.

The message may or may not be related to the method. If it is related to the method, one can conceivably suicide by a different method that is personally agreeable/non-fear inducing to them to attempt, and to experience without aborting, due to rapid loss of consciousness. If the message is motivated by pure survival instinct, it will arise in relation to any method, regardless of peacefulness, and one will be either prohibited from attempting or will abort any attempt.

An imminent threat that is worse than any fear of the method or its outcome will override the survival instinct, and change the message from "I just can't" to "I can." The threat must be perceived as worse than fear of the method and/or death, thus turnining suicide into an act of self-preservation and therefore survival.

"Just as I shall select my ship when I am about to go on a voyage, or my house when I propose to take a residence, so I shall choose my death when I am about to depart from life...There is no occasion when the soul should be humored more than at the moment of death. Let the soul depart as it feels itself impelled to go; whether it seeks the sword, or the halter, or some draught that attacks the veins, let it proceed and burst the bonds of its slavery. Every man ought to make his life acceptable to others besides himself, but his death to himself alone. The best form of death is the one we like. Men are foolish who reflect thus: 'One person will say that my conduct was not brave enough; another, that I was too headstrong; a third, that a particular kind of death would have betokened more spirit.' What you should really reflect is: 'I have under consideration a purpose with which the talk of men has no concern!'"

- Seneca


It seems as though when confronted with the reality that SN is not a completely peaceful option, people are becoming quick to dismiss it.
It is their death. It is their right to dismiss whatever they choose to, and to (re)consider if, when, and how they choose to. It's no one's concern but their own. It's about self-determination. It's not about bandwagons.

That's my opinion anyway.
 
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S

Saed

Nondescript
Apr 21, 2020
463
792
Just having an understanding of the mechanism by which SN kills is enough to tell us it won't be "comfortable".
Will use it nonetheless. All I want is for my life to end,and I wasn't expecting to just "nod off".
The suffering will be over,and I won't need to pass through anymore seconds,days,minutes,hours of intolerable physical and related mental torture.
My body won't enjoy the death process,but it will be free from progressive degeneration.
 
A

aminend

Veteran
May 24, 2020
104
87
That's just 10 mins bearable pain which most of them is caused by some level of mental panic.
 
J

Joxalldaita

Ender of all
Jun 12, 2020
113
286
Dying is going to be an unpleasant and somewhat undignified experience, however it happens. SN offers a rapid exit, and perhaps that is the best we can hope for. Acceptance of the risks involved and the potential pain is essential to come to peace with our decision to take control of our deaths.

Personally, I'll try to combine SN with exit bag. I have both setups. I'll follow the SN regime and have the exit bag setup ready to go. If I begin to feel uncomfortable, assuming I'm cognizant enough, I'll try to turn the gas on and secure the bag to ensure I'll rapidly lose consciousness. It also makes failure by one or the other method less likely, though I'm still concerned about overcomplicating things.

I may swap paracetamol for codeine in the supplemental medications after reading some SN accounts. Will check drug interactions first.
 
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A

aminend

Veteran
May 24, 2020
104
87
Dying is going to be an unpleasant and somewhat undignified experience, however it happens. SN offers a rapid exit, and perhaps that is the best we can hope for. Acceptance of the risks involved and the potential pain is essential to come to peace with our decision to take control of our deaths.

Personally, I'll try to combine SN with exit bag. I have both setups. I'll follow the SN regime and have the exit bag setup ready to go. If I begin to feel uncomfortable, assuming I'm cognizant enough, I'll try to turn the gas on and secure the bag to ensure I'll rapidly lose consciousness. It also makes failure by one or the other method less likely, though I'm still concerned about overcomplicating things.

I may swap paracetamol for codeine in the supplemental medications after reading some SN accounts. Will check drug interactions first.
I think about that too. I've also both exit bag and SN
 
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Lethe

Lethe

Fey
Sep 19, 2019
663
1,407
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I've endured gallstone attacks, alcohol poisoning, and other horribly painful things for longer than 20 minutes at a time, I'm sure I'll be fine.
 
Pryras

Pryras

Last resort
Feb 11, 2020
398
1,042
23
Canada
I don’t think any method is completely painless. Everyone will have their own tolerance and experience with SN which can vary greatly. I know my experience was anything but normal or expected.

Anyways, I’m prepared to experience some degree of pain before dying. It boils down to what you measure as tolerable or unbearable. Drowning for example is something I never want to experience even if that promises me oblivion if I make it through a window of time. That doesn’t make my feelings or intentions any less serious. It means I’d rather go through a different method that I could relatively tolerate (SN or Jumping)
 
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ugly_loser2008

ugly_loser2008

Member
Jul 30, 2018
67
152
i know my method will bring pain to me but i honestly dont care. its like a punishment for sucking at life so bad and all the stupid loser things ive done. death is more important to me.
 
Bct

Bct

Disqualified from Being Human
Apr 20, 2020
419
632
I'm fine with some pain with SN because it seems more bearable than living through loneliness for more 40 years. Not to mention high degree of successfulness as long as I'm prepared & nobody disturbs the process.
 
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