[Story] Outtathaway

  • Welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, a pro-choice forum for the discussion of mental illness, suicide, and the moral implications of the act itself. This is not a pro-suicide site. We do not encourage or aid suicide, and the information offered is for educational purposes only. Read our rules and FAQ for more information. We also offer a recovery subforum if you wish to get support.

    You can close this box by clicking the top right "X".

enjolras

enjolras

Saw the angel shine through the jellyfish
Feb 13, 2020
1,205
2,079


Taking my distances from the site, for 1-2-3-what’s necessary weeks (not planning), in order to get a few of my shit together, give myself some well deserved rest, plus a little brainstorming: breathe

The past month has been a thrill, but exhausting & overwhelming. Made valuable new friendships and solidified some to a great extent.

Due to getting more involved, also been approached more than I cared to handle. Please stop contacting about technicalities (methods, privacy), I’ve been around the world of these things. On pause, gimme some hiatus.

Not even considering the abnormalities I went through in 20 years, how many countless merciless knees down to stand up again, I grew physically weak. I need to stop playing with fire, disrespecting myself, cause it propagates to my soul. I’m noticing a deterioration in my potential abilities, which I need to cut short. I too know the signs of dangerous imbalance and there are old time mental friends I don’t want to see pop again, since my will is on the rise.

Will take this time off to get some basic education covered to ignite a fresh life hygiene, which I definitely need to not capitulate. I just want a little control back, to be able to build up next, with higher improvisation.
Thanks to all the people who gave me either inspiration, support, ideas to trial. I’m on a couple tracks, gonna explore a bit. Maybe if bravery & luck strike together, I’ll also stop postponing overdue promises made to myself.

Aside, being tempted to take a huge gamble on the hourglass of my futur, that will freeze me with some PTSD and likely prevent my focus. I just don’t wanna be around only a quarter at disposal, also against my own interest. If I cannot be attentive at full potential, I feel barely interested & torn apart.

Deciding to give myself better chances, since some failures alongside my quests could make me lose my heart, which only would drive me deeper into statue, hibernation, if not crucifixion mode.

This represents an announcement I‘m choosing to slide into recovery... May or may not keep updated of progress, but especially to get myself accountable

Special thanks to @Living sucks (Severely impressed, too many qualities to list), @K-O (...), @Mainlaender (mi hermano), even @BlackPoppet more recently, (for the taste) or @Myforevercharlie (varied perspective).
I feel empowered to stop holding my breath and hold above water again, which I had never put a Kopec at stake just moments ago



Coming up to the end
These feelings weren't always pretend
Review your whole life and you don't even have to die
Life would never leave me alone
A choice which way i wanted to go
And everything I've seen is wrong to make me what I'll be
All men
You don't need anyone
Just hold on to the end
And you don't even have to look good
Woman
You do fine on your own
You're free to cry and you don't have to wipe your eyes
You once saved me
And now I'm where you want me to be
Ascending endlessly and I don't even have to try


...until we meet again !
7E1B0201-1C7D-4AA4-889E-C7180B306F98.jpeg

sooner than later :happy:
 
K-O

K-O

FU(KOFFEE
Apr 16, 2020
1,032
2,733
35
War Zone
:heart: COCK MADAME :heart:

IMG_0161.jpg


yaeh ok but don't take too long! we need you!
thank you so much for everything! love you cocorox my dear friend baba x
they beat the pain and sing in the rain !

 
Quarky00

Quarky00

Illuminated
Dec 17, 2019
1,972
4,575
You have been so helpful to so many .

I need to stop playing with fire, disrespecting myself, cause it propagates to my soul.
Please do :heart:

Sounds like a plan , or at least some direction . Raising oneself is hard , setting a routine , doing things , cleaning the mind , recovering physically . And even then , I guess you won't find happiness within a week , aye? (if you do please tell us the secret) . But perhaps some relief and bit more ups in some bearable world . And indeed more control , which we all yearn for I assume . I always liked your whimsical touch and down to earth attitude . Keep it . You are a darling .

I went to the beach and it was physically hard. I remembered Channel swimmers' advice: "you just do the next stroke". Told myself: just do the next footstep.

That 'Broncos' thing was hilarious .


Keep swimming ;)
 
Myforevercharlie

Myforevercharlie

Elementalist
Feb 13, 2020
723
1,679
I'll miss you, I hope you find yourself again :heart:
 
GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

I almost always edit my posts.
Jan 11, 2020
4,154
8,540
I think you can disable chat and PMs. Then you won't have to worry about people sending you messages you don't want to deal with.

Sending wishes for your well-being!
 
enjolras

enjolras

Saw the angel shine through the jellyfish
Feb 13, 2020
1,205
2,079
No more wading. Getting past the static.


No rage surges
Through my amplifier
More dangerous
A happy fighter
No cage or rush
But ample fire
From los angeles
To the top of the empire

(Any day?) You can make it better
(Every day?) But it takes an effort
Don't wait for fairer weather
Make use of the wind

Did you forget your soul, survivor
Beat a billion sperm
To ankle biter
I was made from dust
Call me macgyver
And will return as such
A tornado rider


———————-

Based on past supplements’ experience, dumping all the mildly effective gear. No more vitamin D (to substitute for 15+ minutes of sunshiny exhibitionism), algae oil (vegan Omega 3) > better diet, Ashwaghanda for balance, testosterone boosters (Maca root, Tribulus Terretris, Horny goat weed, Longjack root, regretfully synthetic ZMA) after blood tests returned correct & L-Citruline. In the end, I don’t have many expectations regarding what I hadn’t tested, like Mucuna Pruriens or NAC. Atm, on Rhodiola Rosea & Curcuma + Bioperine for mood/depression but probably won’t renew in 3/6 months respectively, because AD (more efficient)

Health regimen decided on, hopefully more funky :
* Morning :
w/ green tea or coffee
- 1g of fresh magic truffle (Maakali) microdosing every monday/wednesday/friday, for 2 months, then 1 month off, except psychonauth trip (light due to AD interaction danger)
- Lion’s Mane mushroom, ultra strength 50% beta glucan, 850mg
- Niacin (B3), +/- 100mg to induce flush effect + cold shower (cool down benefit ?)
* Day : vegan protein blend (pea, sprouted brown rice, hemp seed), incl. as post-sport shake
(- Cialis 5mg if the AD were to soften my youMan “dongle“)
* Evening :
- Seroplex (AD), up to 20mg
- Propolis 1000mg
(- Ambien eventually)
=Approx. cost : 90-100 € /mo

ZMA was kind of productive, so to miss, but vegan proteins carry some Zinc, Magnesium & B6 in okay amounts, as well as some Arginine which will make up foolishly for L-Citruline. Reminder to self : drink a lot more water, since I can spend days forgetting, not feeling thirst.
Propolis is for asthma management (natural), at night to ease apnea

For now on diet (calories restriction, water fast when I don’t surrender, light to moderate running planned when freeing time), -3 kg in 10 days. Plan to lose ideally 8 kg more to achieve my weight 15 years back, below my height (96 kg last year > 77kg), then will start high-intensity training (20 mins) 3 times a week (bought a program, arsed to buy lousy equipment) & disregard mass

Can attest that I appear to react to Seroplex ...for once, cause I’m hardcore intolerant to alcohol, benzos, weed mysteriously, essentially feeling annoyant effects after a high resistance threshold. Only at the start, but Seroplex seems able to knock me more than benzo, up to feeling weak physically ...as well as like stumbling drunk but on a pleasant high, just not plain well-being cause feeling funny, a tad disconnected. The good effects kick randomly sometimes with many hours of delays. Bad side effects trigger earlier, like mental impairment (reflexion & memory access), fatigue, diarrea yuck ...all in all, temp preference goes for bedtime timing instead of morning

Done extensive blood tests (cost of $500, uninsured, grr) to debunk the PFS syndrome. Waiting for complete results. Partial ones indicate many items lightly imbalanced but principally Progesterone & Oestradiol levels way in excess ...and signs of auto-immune or hyperthyroid disorder. Plan to consult an endoctrinologist for interpretation.

The life project announces itself way more complicated, since I’m absolutely undecided about what I want. Firstly, I’ll have seriously tricky administrative matters to fix

edit : I developed an intuition, to self-ban. Goodbye for now.
 
Last edited:
enjolras

enjolras

Saw the angel shine through the jellyfish
Feb 13, 2020
1,205
2,079
I‘ve been hinted to not self-ban. I won’t do it. I ought to learn to stop being self-destructive, as my own parasite, committing crimes against myself, which happened several times in the past, persuaded I had to terminate myself or burry parts of it, only to regret it later after I survived through the storms. It could be locking myself away for months, turning away / blocking friends definitely, who were worried about me, dive head first into regression, or more concretely, destroy my music recordings or photography.
The last time, months ago, I got rid of all my personal affairs, including all music equipment which I had collected with care for years, as well as objects, decoration & documents of the past. Just because, I had to, couldn’t control it, convinced it was the right thing to do in the moment, that to erase bonds & memories, as a relief which, to cut down all ties to achieve redemption. In the present, I then never imagine the crisis to be transitory, just yearning to drift into a lava pit, maintaining only a quarter of a hope for a fresh start of novelties, at the corner of my mind, without conviction.
Now, my surrounding, like appartement where I live appears blank, like an impersonal white label, indicating as if I had not lived, which is not true.

The news I get from the PFS association of victims are very disturbing & depressing, cause they leave barely little hope for improvement. It might explain most if not all the struggles I have been through since early adulthood. I’m now questioning I even had mental health issues as a root but as a consequence of this medicine’s intoxication, which imbalances endoctrinian, hormonal systems & neurotransmitters in ways little documented & acknowledged by the medical field. Honestly, it would be reason alone to CTB & I may reconsider it if, likely, my perspectives stay clustered on a dead end.
 
enjolras

enjolras

Saw the angel shine through the jellyfish
Feb 13, 2020
1,205
2,079


Can you hear us, the Blizzard? You hear us?
If you hear us, fuck you
You thought you were going to have us, huh?
Did you think we hadn't seen anything?
Asshole, surprise!
Can you hear us, shame? You hear us?
If you hear us, watch out when you come home all alone at night
We might want to break your jaw with metal objects
Or washing your head with lead, what do you say?
Can you hear us, sadness? You hear us?
If you can hear us, it's that you too are going to pack your bag soon
Take the first on the left, second on the right, then again on the left and go to fuck your race
Congratulations! Well done!
Do you hear us, death? You hear us?
If you hear us, know you don't scare us, you can shoot whatever you want
We're going anyway, you can't stop us
And we will leave no one behind, we will leave no one to line up
It’s all over!

Do you hear us, Dignity? You hear us?
If you hear us, know that we have a knee on the ground and that we are sorry
We're sorry for everything we could do to you, but we're going to change!
We will become good people, you will see!
And one day you will be proud of us
Can you hear us, love? You hear us?
If you can hear us, you have to come back because we're ready now, that's it
We screwed up, it’s true but since then we have understood
And here we have our palms open with our hearts inside
You have to take it and bring it
Can you hear us, the Universe? You hear us?
If you can hear us, wait for us! We arrive
We would like to: understand everything, know everything, see everything, live everything
We are looking for the door to the new world so we can blend in big
Can you hear us, you who are waiting? You hear us?
If you can hear us remember you’re not alone. Never
There are so many of us who are a bit wobbly, a little weird
And in our heads there is a blizzard
Like the big hearted loser mystics
We have to sound the alarm, to find ourselves, to meet
Let’s kiss, be billions of hands on billions of shoulders
Let’s repeat once again that boredom is a crime
That life is a holdup of the century, a fucking red pepper
Fuck your mother the Blizzard
Fuck your mother the Blizzard
It’s all over


40 today
918958D2-4E72-4834-AE36-673FED2A8867.gif


Une promesse en guise de cadeau
65463048-802B-4AB5-A5C3-369992389A97.jpeg
 
Last edited:
K-O

K-O

FU(KOFFEE
Apr 16, 2020
1,032
2,733
35
War Zone


Can you hear us, the Blizzard? You hear us?
If you hear us, fuck you
You thought you were going to have us, huh?
Did you think we hadn't seen anything?
Asshole, surprise!
Can you hear us, shame? You hear us?
If you hear us, watch out when you come home all alone at night
We might want to break your jaw with metal objects
Or washing your head with lead, what do you say?
Can you hear us, sadness? You hear us?
If you can hear us, it's that you too are going to pack your bag soon
Take the first on the left, second on the right, then again on the left and go to fuck your race
Congratulations! Well done!
Do you hear us, death? You hear us?
If you hear us, know you don't scare us, you can shoot whatever you want
We're going anyway, you can't stop us
And we will leave no one behind, we will leave no one to line up
It’s all over!

Do you hear us, Dignity? You hear us?
If you hear us, know that we have a knee on the ground and that we are sorry
We're sorry for everything we could do to you, but we're going to change!
We will become good people, you will see!
And one day you will be proud of us
Can you hear us, love? You hear us?
If you can hear us, you have to come back because we're ready now, that's it
We screwed up, it’s true but since then we have understood
And here we have our palms open with our hearts inside
You have to take it and bring it
Can you hear us, the Universe? You hear us?
If you can hear us, wait for us! We arrive
We would like to: understand everything, know everything, see everything, live everything
We are looking for the door to the new world so we can blend in big
Can you hear us, you who are waiting? You hear us?
If you can hear us remember you’re not alone. Never
There are so many of us who are a bit wobbly, a little weird
And in our heads there is a blizzard
Like the big hearted loser mystics
We have to sound the alarm, to find ourselves, to meet
Let’s kiss, be billions of hands on billions of shoulders
Let’s repeat once again that boredom is a crime
That life is a holdup of the century, a fucking red pepper
Fuck your mother the Blizzard
Fuck your mother the Blizzard
It’s all over


40 today
View attachment 37488

Une promesse en guise de cadeau
View attachment 37486
:heart:HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE:heart:
 
  • Hug
Reactions: enjolras
enjolras

enjolras

Saw the angel shine through the jellyfish
Feb 13, 2020
1,205
2,079


Rester serait mourir un peu,
Rester serait comme une sorte de désaveu
Mais partir, c'est recouvrer ses sens,
C'est comme une seconde renaissance
Et quand je n'en pourrais plus
Je viendrai me ressourcer.

Je suis bien trop orgueilleux.
Rester serait comme une sorte de désaveu
Mais partir, c'est recouvrer ses sens,
C'est comme une seconde renaissance
Et quand je n'en pourrais plus
Je viendrai me ressourcer.
Et quand je ne serai plus
Sûr de savoir qui je suis,
J'irais arpenter tes rues.
Même en pensées,
Je reviendrais m'y ressourcer.
 
B

Brackenshire

Specialist
Feb 23, 2020
331
428
United States


Rester serait mourir un peu,
Rester serait comme une sorte de désaveu
Mais partir, c'est recouvrer ses sens,
C'est comme une seconde renaissance
Et quand je n'en pourrais plus
Je viendrai me ressourcer.

Je suis bien trop orgueilleux.
Rester serait comme une sorte de désaveu
Mais partir, c'est recouvrer ses sens,
C'est comme une seconde renaissance
Et quand je n'en pourrais plus
Je viendrai me ressourcer.
Et quand je ne serai plus
Sûr de savoir qui je suis,
J'irais arpenter tes rues.
Même en pensées,
Je reviendrais m'y ressourcer.
English please
 
enjolras

enjolras

Saw the angel shine through the jellyfish
Feb 13, 2020
1,205
2,079
English please
what if I’m unruly ? :p

Language not heard before, only official at my small land. Enjoy



In another life I was
A messenger pigeon
And now I only find passing loves
I miss the sky
I miss the wind

In another life I was
A shepherd of green meadows,
And now I just step on the cement ...
I miss the green,
And I miss the soil

In another life I was
The sail of a sailboat,
And now just a fragile paper boat.
I miss the sea,
I miss the salt...

If in another life
I could be ...
The ink of an inkwell

Give me more
Stretch me more,
Think me more
Love me more.
 
enjolras

enjolras

Saw the angel shine through the jellyfish
Feb 13, 2020
1,205
2,079
Today has been promising with encouragements, that I really wasn’t expecting. Nothing’s won yet, but at least I’ve got something new to hang on to

 
Last edited:
enjolras

enjolras

Saw the angel shine through the jellyfish
Feb 13, 2020
1,205
2,079
planned this month, niquer le game. motivated to turn into a do’er

de la soul to sing along