Venting Once again, I end up back here

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Snowdrifts1212

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I got away from this forum for awhile. I haven’t even bothered to check my profile for how long. Weeks? Maybe a month or two? I decided to try life again and wasn’t feeling so strongly that I needed to CTB. For awhile it felt okay. There was even a bit of hope.

That all crashed and went away last week. I’m back where I started, but worse. I can’t keep doing this cycle and it’s all I have ever known.

But now, I just feel helpless. I want to make serious plans to CTB. I can’t almost bear the thought of even a few more days, let alone a week or a month. But I never did figure out how to order SN to Canada safely, so now I’m back here and don’t have any, and no other method really appeals. It’s too bad because this week I’m going to have a few days somewhere very peaceful and private. It would have been perfect if I’d been more pro-active sooner.

So I guess I have to figure that out for real and then just keep suffering every day until it’s time. I feel so lazy and useless — I can’t even plan to CTB right. And, I’m still scared of dying, I guess. But I’m so much more scared of staying alive and this never getting better. It’s unendurable.

Thank you for listening.
 
foxdie

foxdie

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I can’t even plan to CTB right. And, I’m still scared of dying, I guess. But I’m so much more scared of staying alive and this never getting better. It’s unendurable.

Thank you for listening.

I feel like this too. I wish I had planned better earlier and not have been so naive in thinking I'd just be able to off myself. No will to live, yet an inability to actually end my life. Going back and forth from a glimmer of hope to crushing despair. This loop is a nightmare.
 
RoseyBird

RoseyBird

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I feel you. I left for a couple (few?) months as well, but feeling a bit better didn’t last. I also realized I feel better here than away. I know we can’t solve you problems, but hopefully being around people that care helps a bit.
 
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Snowdrifts1212

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I feel you. I left for a couple (few?) months as well, but feeling a bit better didn’t last. I also realized I feel better here than away. I know we can’t solve you problems, but hopefully being around people that care helps a bit.

It does. It really does. I am so grateful to be able to speak honestly here.

Also I realized I’ve only been away for like a few weeks, haha. Every day is such a nightmare lately it felt like way longer.
 
RoseyBird

RoseyBird

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It does. It really does. I am so grateful to be able to speak honestly here.

Also I realized I’ve only been away for like a few weeks, haha. Every day is such a nightmare lately it felt like way longer.
lol my favorite is when I look at the clock and realize there’s several hours left in the day. Welcome back, and try to go easy on yourself. Depression makes everything harder, and ctb isn’t an easy process.
 
elfgyoza

elfgyoza

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I got away from this forum for awhile. I haven’t even bothered to check my profile for how long. Weeks? Maybe a month or two? I decided to try life again and wasn’t feeling so strongly that I needed to CTB. For awhile it felt okay. There was even a bit of hope.

That all crashed and went away last week. I’m back where I started, but worse. I can’t keep doing this cycle and it’s all I have ever known.

But now, I just feel helpless. I want to make serious plans to CTB. I can’t almost bear the thought of even a few more days, let alone a week or a month. But I never did figure out how to order SN to Canada safely, so now I’m back here and don’t have any, and no other method really appeals. It’s too bad because this week I’m going to have a few days somewhere very peaceful and private. It would have been perfect if I’d been more pro-active sooner.

So I guess I have to figure that out for real and then just keep suffering every day until it’s time. I feel so lazy and useless — I can’t even plan to CTB right. And, I’m still scared of dying, I guess. But I’m so much more scared of staying alive and this never getting better. It’s unendurable.

Thank you for listening.
I'm sorry to hear you're suffering like this :(
I do a similar cycle, with a shitty attempt every so often. Sometimes I'm away from here for a week, other times it's a few months. I always have passive suicidal thoughts, it's when they get intense that I'm drawn back here.
So I think I understand the helplessness, I guess you probably feel kinda trapped too because no SN.

I hope you can figure something out/maybe get some SN (sometimes just knowing the option is there makes living more bearable)
 

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