Venting oh boy, here we go again: now with a prep speech (forgive me guys!)

ecmnesia

ecmnesia

the only thing humans are equal in is death
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i am unstable. you guys know that much. won't talk about my shitty life here, we’ve read enough of it (for now). more than the last 5 years, this last month has been absolutely crazy, a true ride in the roller coaster of bottled up emotions. won't lie: it's hell.

so far, I’ve had 3 different deadlines, each failed for it's own reason. not gonna dwell on it. the last one was supposed to be this saturday. got everything ready: SN fans, you know the drill. even the hotel room was booked. I made my peace with death, got past the point of dying, wrote my letters, felt hate, love, grief and anger (all together) towards my family. I got brave enough even to leave home and do it while they are in town, that's how desperate to do it I was.

yes. was. not gonna lie. I hate myself. I hate life. I hate society. I hate/love my parents. I hate college. I hate to be alive. In fact I wish I was dead. I still want to die. and probably that won't pass anyway soon. but this weekend I won't be leaving. do I want to? I do. every cell of my body, ok, not all of them only 99%, craves death. I am so fucking tired. I am exhausted. Fatigued. Like many of us are.

I was gonna say that I didn't want to make this about myself, but well, this is about myself, no point pretending.

I am not trying to get you all from your misery, I won't do that. I won't try to convince anyone to stay. cause hell, even I don't want to. this is about me and therefore this applies solely to my experiences, beliefs and so on. there is more in the universe than me, and I swear, I know it. to be fair, most of my dramas start on that single knowledge. we are replaceable. we are insignificant compared to the cosmos and the multitude of human lives and existence. no, it's no ok. but that's not the point here.

I was always an idealistic kid. I am dreamer. that's cliche and it's the truth. it's also a fact that this world doesn’t have much space for the likes of me, that's why I always hated being like this. not only was forced by my peers to repress this trait, I taught myself through the years that I shouldn’t be like this. when I look back, most part of my life consists of me trying to be a more cold, cruel, contained version of who I am. I am not saying that not being idealistic is bad, that's not it, but to me, who has been hurt my whole life because I was to kind and inocent, and silly. who was always beaten because of this, metaphorically and physically, cause my personality constantly bit me in the butt, the natural opposite of idealistic was something along the lines of the definition of mean and bad (bare with me here please). this “thing” that I don't know how to describe was what I've been pursuing for years.

and fuck it. I am done. that's it. that's what this whole epiphany is about. I am done repressing the silly hopeful idealistic kid that's chained inside of me. I am tired of trying to not care about the world, about people because I don't want to get hurt. I am done with trying to fit in this world, either by pretending or death. I give up. to all of the fuckers who pushed me down, not today bitch. not anymore.

I guess this is a sign that hope is still within me. I am not as apathetic as I thought. somewhere some part of me, wants to live, that must be the conclusion. I can't get in touch with this me yet. and that's something I also realized. I’ve been so trap that when of flash of opportunity revealed itself, I was eager to run down the road, leave everything behind: university, family, pressure, friends, society and all. when we look at all those inspiring stories, that usually how it goes, someday out of the blue, people just say fuck it and leave, easy as that. not everyone can do that, though. and, well I am not happy that I am one of the latter, but it will have to do. some people don't have a choice. I live in a fucked up house, but I have clothes, I have food, I have money, basically I have financial support, and my parents dont beat me anymore, and they are not even close to how mean they once were. what I am saying is, it's horrible, but I can pass through it. just like I’ve been doing since I was born, I can tolerate this to grow. I’ve handled 21 years, I can do it for 3 more. it's not ideal, but what in the world is. unlike those who are in enormous danger, I can still live under their shadow, with a bit of strength I can go back to my college city. it's gonna be tough, but I can do it with lots of sacrifices.

and yay, finally, I get to the point I intended. I wanted to runnaway. but I got keep it real. I am not street material. I wouldn't last a day in my countries streets, not in the mindset I am in at least. I am vulnerable in all aspects. It's shameful, but a fact. My personality, anxiety and so on wouldn't let me survive. I barely can get through the door without my parents consent, let alone play a escape. But that's for now. I noticed that I gotta go through tiny steps, conquer liberty little by little, until I can own it not partially, but as fully as one can in this planet.

I have an awesome opportunity. I can become a doctor. I can help people. All I have to do is hold on a bit more. Three years and putting a little bit of effort everyday I can conquer independence. Three years and I will leave on my journey to help those who like me were pranked by life. I want to make this my purpose, at least for now. I want to help people. I want to help people so they won't have to tolerate a shitty life like I do because they lack support. No, I don't know how I will do this, for now, I just need this purpose. As I said back there, I don't want yet to live for myself, I don't love me now. but I want to live for this future life's. and maybe one day I will want to leave for me too.

I will work my ass off. I will study. I will learn. I will break free from my parents. I will break free from toxic friendships, from the toxic me. and I will graduate. and i will kick depression and anxiety and trauma in the ass (nope, don't know how yet). and boy, will i live.

this is a shitty prep talk. It's mostly bullshit. and knowing myself I still have a long way to go. this feeling won't last. but I will hold on to this letter. I will read this fucking deluded words every single day for the next three years. I will force my body to remember each and every comma fitted in here. I will come to this sub and vent the hell out everyday I need. I will fill your ears with my sadness and despair. you will still hear a lot from me. the goods, the bads, everything. and I won't apologize for it, not anymore. You’ll have to bare with me and I will be here for you too.

I had more to say. but honestly my fingers are hurting and those of you who stood are probably already done. and to finish. I want to thank you. You’ve brought me here with your support, kindness and love. You gave me a breath of fresh air when I couldn't reach the surface. and for that I am eternally grateful.

fuck, this is too long :p
I'll reply each and every one of you on the lasts threads I made. I am surprised with how much love you guys been giving me (ngl I am crying), but now my fingers are hurting and I am a bit tired. sorry for being a train wreck (lots of moods swings I know). I don't contain myself in here (although I maybe should) so I just vent and vent and vent, and it's no excuse, but this days were intense.

anyway, strangely enough right now I feel loved and love for you all. so thanks.
 
RoseyBird

RoseyBird

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Get yourself some yummy snacks. Every day that passes is one day closer to your goal. Maybe go get a massage or something if that’s still a thing where you are. Do things special for yourself that will take a bit of the load off and make you feel more relaxed.
 
foxdie

foxdie

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This is so nice to hear! Good for you! :hug::hug::heart::heart: Just take your time and be kind to yourself!
 

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