NSFW not sure if i was raped

skmateboard

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Did you think about what he'd do if you'd have said no from the start?
Yeah i do think about that and honestly im not sure. I think if id said no before anything started he'd have been mad for wasting his time and would have just left.

I just don't feel its right to say i was raped. Because yes, i said no, but after he ignored that i didn't resist i just let him do what he wanted, and while it happened i didn't think 'im being raped' i was thinking 'oh my god I've just lost my virginity'. Its 2.5 months ago that this happened and because i was so focused on the losing my virginity rather than the fact i never gave consent i don't feel raped because the feelings towards it have died down. I don't know if that makes sense, but in my head i think if i was raped i would have known straight away.

But on the other hand these past few days i have avoided everyone, cried thinking about it, and started falling back into the early stages of my depression. I also recognise that if this was another persons situation i would agree it is rape.

i feel like in this thread I've been very repetitive so im sorry for that but im really struggling because in order to move past this i need to feel and in order to feel i need to accept, but it still feels wrong to say i was raped despite everyone agreeing what happened was rape.

in short, i don't feel raped because for a month or so i was okay with what happened and didn't deep it. it is only now im realising that what happened wasn't okay but it seems too late.
 
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Dizzylady80

Dizzylady80

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It is 100% okay not to go to the police about it. That was definitely rape though. It's a very confusing feeling, I've been there. I'm sorry that he did that ❤ even if you don't hate him for it or think of him as "a rapist" he's still a person who raped you

So I know you said that you don't think therapy would be helpful because you haven't really processed it, and it's good to process something like that in your own time, but therapy can help you process it in a healthy way and help it not eat away at you in the same way. And if you're worried about your parents thinking you're suicidal, you could make something up to tell them

It's good to be able to talk to someone about it instead of feeling alone in this. If you have a best friend or someone to confide in, or if you don't feel comfortable talking to someone close to you about it that's another reason a therapist would be good. And you can pm me if you want too ❤ but if you had someone irl to talk to it would be better
 
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I’vehadenough

I’vehadenough

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Yes it's rape. Fuck that asshole. He knew what he was doing. Ignoring you is his date rape method. Call the police station and ask for advice. Please don't let him get away with this. I let my rapist get away with it because I was so embarrassed and I regret it.
Also report him to tinder!!!!
 
All washed up

All washed up

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Speak to the police and insist on speaking to a woman officer they should have someone available whose used to dealing with these type of incidents and can best advise you
 
darksideofthebright

darksideofthebright

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I don't know if that makes sense, but in my head i think if i was raped i would have known straight away.
It can be so difficult sometimes to comprehend something that's just happened. I can't speak for yourself, but in MANY MANY cases, that's a state of shock and NOT a state of acceptance. Both morally and legally speaking, you didn't give consent and even though what happened happened, it's wrong. But OP, all we can do is give you our perspectives on this unfortunate and disgusting situation that you have been going through, we really cannot tell you how to feel and think.

I also recognise that if this was another persons situation i would agree it is rape.
We can be our worst critics, and I really hope you can be less hard on yourself. Sometimes, just try to take your own advice. It's so hard and it's easier said than done, but it's a process. We're here to help you recover to our best capacity, so don't apologise at all.

I still think it's best if you could open up to some professionals that are equipped with a lot more knowledge to help you in this situation and to discuss the best way to move forward (NOT to move on).

it is only now im realising that what happened wasn't okay but it seems too late.
And it's never too late OP. Things like this can really destroy our self-esteem and our senses of self-worth, or at least in my case, it did. So please, if you ever need to talk to people on SS, if not publicly then privately, we are here to support you. Sending you positivity and wishing that you can heal from this. :heart: :hug:
 
W

Wisdom3_1-9

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Most importantly, do not blame yourself for what you could not know. Dudes like this have a pattern, they know who and how to target. That's on him, not you...

I hope you'll be gentle, compassionate and patient with yourself.
I’d like to echo these words. None of this is your fault. He was undeniably in the wrong and he knew it. He knew what he was doing. Our societal concept of rape often involves violence or other dramatic elements. The truth is that so many sexual assaults are carried out in just this way — the oppressor’s sense of entitlement to the sexual act nonchalantly overriding the victim’s desire to be left alone. The fact that he doesn’t “seem like a rapist” is all part of it. It’s to make the victim feel as if they aren’t actually a victim.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace.
 
Lucifer'sRight

Lucifer'sRight

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I think if id said no before anything started he'd have been mad for wasting his time and would have just left.
Wasting his time? So you indicate that all he ever saw you as is a sexua, object, not even a person. And you need to know that on some level. So it's not worth anything for a tinder nice guy to have a conversation with you, laugh with you, spend time with you or even look at you if he doesn't use you for meaningless sex? So you either satisfy him sexually, or your wasting his time? What a piece of shit he is. Like do you see that?
 
sadworld

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Yeah, it seems like he was just looking for sex... I hate such humans to be honest.
 
sadworld

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What do you think people look for on Tinder?
Yeah, I hate it honestly... That's why I rather be alone my whole life than creating an account on tinder because I definitely don't want anyone to think I'm also such a fucked up idiot and only want sex lol.
 
mahakali88

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Yeah, I hate it honestly... That's why I rather be alone my whole life than creating an account on tinder because I definitely don't want anyone to think I'm also such a fucked up idiot and only want sex lol.
Tinder is famous for being a hook-up app and I would be scared shitless of meeting someone from Tinder in person, even in public. You never know who's hiding behind a cool photo.
 
Lucifer'sRight

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I just don't feel its right to say i was raped. Because yes, i said no, but after he ignored that i didn't resist i just let him do what he wanted, and while it happened i didn't think 'im being raped'
Why didn't you resist? Did you feel intimidated or scared? You really need to analise this situation. Because how could you possibly resist if you were intimidated or scared? Intimidation is a part of so called date-rape. Another words, if you were alone with him, you had NO other option then to go along with it if he was stronger and bigger than you. Different context, same idea. You can't express resistance to an act of violence, if you're threatened with an even bigger act of violence. So yes, it is still rape. Not any less, just because you felt powerless. Were you scared to resist him, or were you in shock, or .. what? And btw thank you for being brave about that and answering all of our questions. You should really analise this situation from all different angles.
What if you'd have said 'no' 8 times, but wouldn't shout, would that be more of a rape?

It's just a lie to say that unless a woman goes out of her way to resist rape, it isn't rape. You're clearly trying to put responsibility for that on yourself, but hey lack of assertiveness is NOT A CRIME. rape is. Assertiveness is also really hard when you're alone with someone who clearly overpowers you and it's not assertiveness anymore,it's endangering yourself. I think there's a chance that you don't see that you didn't even have another option. Because of the context in which it happened.
 
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Lucifer'sRight

Lucifer'sRight

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in short, i don't feel raped because for a month or so i was okay with what happened and didn't deep it. it is only now im realising that what happened wasn't okay but it seems too late.
REPORT HIM ON FUCKING TINDER. I counted 7 posts in this thread saying "I've been through a similar thing", and ZERO saying "he got punished for that". Honestly, if we don't use our right to defend ourselves, and protect other women, then we have NOTHING to fucking complain about.
 
GoodPersonEffed

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Yeah i do think about that and honestly im not sure. I think if id said no before anything started he'd have been mad for wasting his time and would have just left.

I just don't feel its right to say i was raped. Because yes, i said no, but after he ignored that i didn't resist i just let him do what he wanted, and while it happened i didn't think 'im being raped' i was thinking 'oh my god I've just lost my virginity'. Its 2.5 months ago that this happened and because i was so focused on the losing my virginity rather than the fact i never gave consent i don't feel raped because the feelings towards it have died down. I don't know if that makes sense, but in my head i think if i was raped i would have known straight away.

But on the other hand these past few days i have avoided everyone, cried thinking about it, and started falling back into the early stages of my depression. I also recognise that if this was another persons situation i would agree it is rape.

i feel like in this thread I've been very repetitive so im sorry for that but im really struggling because in order to move past this i need to feel and in order to feel i need to accept, but it still feels wrong to say i was raped despite everyone agreeing what happened was rape.

in short, i don't feel raped because for a month or so i was okay with what happened and didn't deep it. it is only now im realising that what happened wasn't okay but it seems too late.

All of what you're experiencing is normal, and it may take a while to process. That's okay.

I had a neighbor drug and rape me and I came to while it was happening. Prior to that, we'd had a semi-physical relationship, a strange relationship. It took me at least a couple of months to realize I'd been drugged and raped.

I would say that what's important is that you have someone who listens to you as you process and is supportive. I didn't have people like that, and for a while I was very ungrounded by the whole experience including the realization. I'm so grateful that, at the very least, your experience wasn't physically violent, and I'm also so compassionately sorry that you're going through the psychological aspect of figuring this out, which is still very difficult, just in a different way. As I said before, I hope you'll be gentle with yourself, and I hope you'll talk to people you feel safe with, patient people who show compassion and neither deny you nor push you, who make it about you and not what they want for you, I say this from experience. Even one person like that can make a huge difference. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and I trust you will become aware of whatever you need to as you are ready, and of whatever is best along the way to do for yourself.


I'd like to offer, by comparison, one other experience I had that did not end up in rape. I met a guy while traveling. We had an initial attraction, hung out, and I made it clear I wasn't sure if I wanted to go ahead with a hookup, which he seemed cool with. After a few hours together, I said, "I'm not quite feeling this and I think it might just be best if we walk away and cut our losses" (an investment of hours between two solo travelers, each paying for our own food and drinks, but still, sex is not a payoff for any investment). He made a decent argument and I agreed to keep hanging out, even get a room that we each paid half for, but I would not guarantee that it would end in sex, and he agreed to that. By the end of the night, after spending close to twelve hours together, when we got to the room we'd reserved earlier, I knew I just wasn't into it. We were an intellectual and conversational match, but the chemistry wasn't there for me. I kindly but firmly told him sex wasn't going to happen, I was happy to sleep in the same bed, but no to anything else. He was displeased and didn't hide it, but he didn't lose his shit either, and he accepted my no. At worst, he was a little bitter, but no tantrum, no violence, no name-calling, no cajoling, no guilt trip. When I was sure he'd accepted, I fell asleep while he was still processing on his side of the bed, and when I woke in the middle of the night, he'd left. I stretched out and enjoyed the big bed to myself. If he'd tried to override my no in any way at any time, I would have left and gone back to my own hotel.
 
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Dizzylady80

Dizzylady80

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REPORT HIM ON FUCKING TINDER. I counted 7 posts in this thread saying "I've been through a similar thing", and ZERO saying "he got punished for that". Honestly, if we don't use our right to defend ourselves, and protect other women, then we have NOTHING to fucking complain about.
You probably don't see a lot of "he got punished for that" because that doesn't happen most of the time. Most of the people I know who went and reported it to police went through a horrible ordeal that didn't actually lead to anyone getting punished. That "we have nothing to complain about" is bullshit. Don't make people feel like shit for not reporting jfc
 

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