No one knows im dying inside

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K

ksera

Member
Feb 28, 2019
17
67
I have been through hell in the last year. Three failed suicide attempts after I was attacked repeatedly. Everyone keeps telling me im doing so well. Im not. just saying it doesn't make me feel better. it just makes me feel more alone. I cant keep going feeling this bad. ive reached my limit. the police want me to give evidence. I have so far refused. I don't know how to talk about what happened. It was brutal and makes me feel so sick. I hate myself. Im angry. Im hurt. I don't know how people move on. All my life I have had shit. I picked myself up each time and hoped for a better tomorrow. I now know that will never come. its never going to be ok. I cant live in fear for the next thing.

People around me cant be honest. they cant admit the truth. They just say positive things in the hope that helps. It doesn't. Im tired of people not being real with me. I am tired of pretending things are getting better to make other people feel good. I want to end things because I don't want to live with the memories. I am happy with that decision. Its the only thing that feels right. I just need help. I have tried overdoses, jumping and wrist slitting but something stops me at the last minute and each time ive been found in time. I need to know how to go through with it for good. Maybe ive survived because ive always tried when I have been drinking. The drink makes me less focused. But there is also a fear. A month ago I took an overdose and slit my wrist badly. I lay there getting colder, breathing slower. Fading. It suddenly scared me to die alone. I rang 999 not to save me but so I had a hand to hold. I know I really want to die but im not as brave as I need to be
 
21Neberg

21Neberg

Illuminated
Dec 17, 2018
1,545
7,598
I so understand what you’re feeling. The sense of isolation when people say you’re doing better is such a punch in the gut when honestly, you haven’t been doing well in the slightest. It’s happened to me too. I’m sorry it happened to you.
Though I don’t think you’re not brave. I think you are! I admire you posting your feelings because I would be afraid of what others would think and such. You matter, and if you ever need to vent - my pm’s are open.
 
Hasssssuùuu

Hasssssuùuu

Master
Sep 18, 2018
439
1,247
20
I have been through hell in the last year. Three failed suicide attempts after I was attacked repeatedly. Everyone keeps telling me im doing so well. Im not. just saying it doesn't make me feel better. it just makes me feel more alone. I cant keep going feeling this bad. ive reached my limit. the police want me to give evidence. I have so far refused. I don't know how to talk about what happened. It was brutal and makes me feel so sick. I hate myself. Im angry. Im hurt. I don't know how people move on. All my life I have had shit. I picked myself up each time and hoped for a better tomorrow. I now know that will never come. its never going to be ok. I cant live in fear for the next thing.

People around me cant be honest. they cant admit the truth. They just say positive things in the hope that helps. It doesn't. Im tired of people not being real with me. I am tired of pretending things are getting better to make other people feel good. I want to end things because I don't want to live with the memories. I am happy with that decision. Its the only thing that feels right. I just need help. I have tried overdoses, jumping and wrist slitting but something stops me at the last minute and each time ive been found in time. I need to know how to go through with it for good. Maybe ive survived because ive always tried when I have been drinking. The drink makes me less focused. But there is also a fear. A month ago I took an overdose and slit my wrist badly. I lay there getting colder, breathing slower. Fading. It suddenly scared me to die alone. I rang 999 not to save me but so I had a hand to hold. I know I really want to die but im not as brave as I need to be
someone alone in the world is a terrible thing. so sorry about what you've gone through, absolutely heartbreaking and devastating. i feel like till you truly let EVERYTHING OUT, those emotions still lingering inside of you will only continue to linger even during those positive moments, till you let those emotions out and away.

its extremely hard to open up to people, trust me i know. but it feels like were drowning in our own sadness, theres like some heavy weight weighing us down when we hold all these emotions in. i agree, people should realize being blindlessly positive isn't always the best thing, its more than that; its about truly and genuinly understanding someones hurt, pain, and being empathetic in a real way, not just quickly towards the positive affectionate route.

the thing about this community, i believe most of the people atleast are neutral. some are neutral empaths, and are more than willing to have you talk to them for nothing, be there for you. if you ever need anyone to talk to, were all ears.

What you went through in ur attack is heartbreaking. I feel like sometimes people need a hand in moving forward, feeling like they arent alone and have someomes guidance then and there so they dont feel alone.

again, if you ever need anyone to talk to, were all ears. hope you feel better.
 
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