New and considering my options

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toomuch2019

Member
Jul 11, 2019
7
33
Hi, new to the forum.

My mom is dying. She's losing her 5 year battle with cancer. She told me last night the dr said our last ditch effort at treatment isn't working and she's basically starving to death. So she's going on hospice. (This isn't a total shock- she went on hospice briefly last month before we wanted to try one more thing). But now I know this is really, really it. And she can barely eat so I can't imagine she will last very long.

My mom is my life. I don't want to live in a world without her.

But on top of that, I have nothing. She helped me start my business which isn't profitable yet. If anything, it's draining money from my parents. And her pension goes with her so then I can't even get help anymore. I haven't had an income in 2 years. I live in my parent's 2nd house. My bf hasn't proposed. I have no kids.

I have ADHD and everything in life is just HARD and EXHAUSTING. I'm a millennial and I just feel like there's no hope for me to be financially secure and be able to provide for myself.

I'm also terrified of losing my business and being a failure and wasting my parents' money.

Is there any type of insurance or anything I could get that would pay out on my death to be able to pay my family back even partially for the business? That's a real concern of mine. We lose the money if I close regardless, but if I could help with some type of insurance, that would be amazing.

I attempted seriously once when I was 15. I ODed. I usually wish it had worked. I never thought I'd try again, mostly because I didn't want to hurt my mom. If she's not here, I don't feel the same about living for anyone else. Sorry to the rest of my family, but it's true. I'm more sad about maybe leaving my cat and dog who adore me.

Sometimes I get sad thinking of leaving everything, but then I remember I wouldn't feel anything and what's left behind doesn't really matter. We'll all move on.

I have one friend who is like a little sister to me and battles with depression and SI that I worry most about. I wouldn't want to harm her.

I've considered how I'd do it though. My mom has lots of opiates around. And she won't need them when she's gone. She doesn't even use them now, so I already have a bottle of dialaudid and 2 of her fentaynl patches. She has a lot more. She doesn't like opiates but she keeps filling the rx on the off chance she needs them sometimes. I promise I would never steal her meds if she was needing them.

I don't use opiates so I have no tolerance built up. I figured 2 patches would be enough? And add in some of the dialaudid and either dom or zofran? Maybe even combine it with the insulin so someone can't just come along with Narcan?

She also has a crap ton of insulin around from being diabetic. That was my initial plan until she got the fen. patches this winter.

I thought I might go to the beach and just lay there. I don't want my bf to have to find me.

It's just awful because as sad as I am about losing my mom, money is the ultimate reason. I just don't know how to earn it. I've always just been stuck in retail and barely scraping by. I saw the thread about being a billionaire and yeah, a large amount of money would make me consider staying. I wouldn't have to work SO DAMN HARD. It's just exhausting with the ADHD and everything that goes with it.

Sorry this is long. I dunno if anyone has advice or words of wisdom. Anything would be appreciated.
 
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calendulo

Member
Jun 13, 2019
91
65
Sorry about your mother. Firstly.

Opiates are very peaceful but less reliables. It is not clear about doses and is very easy to recover you medically, with antagonistics.

Fent is difficult to find out. I don't know about doses. Guess two patches won't be enough, but I am not sure.

About I. is less reliable too. Could to be in coma for many days.

But, after all, You can fight and don't give you up, as well.

Well, greetings and best of luck.
 
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Iwantoutrightnow

Member
Jun 27, 2019
89
187
I don't have any wisdom I'm afraid. I'm sorry for your situation, I hate being in a world without my mum too. A program I watched really captured it for me - 'I'd rather be nowhere with her than somewhere without'

In the UK suicide negates insurance policies, I don't know if it's the same where you are. Be sure to look into the small print before you sign anything.

Good luck
 
Asta

Asta

Member
Jun 7, 2019
92
142
So sorry about your Mom! I felt the same when I lost mine and still do. As for using all the different drugs to exit, I think others here will tell you that it's not a good idea. To be successful, you need methods that have proven to be reliable.

My feeling exactly: 'I'd rather be nowhere with her than somewhere without'
 
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toomuch2019

Member
Jul 11, 2019
7
33
In the UK suicide negates insurance policies, I don't know if it's the same where you are. Be sure to look into the small print before you sign anything.

Good luck
In my quick google search, some policies do pay out, but they have a 1-2 year holding period so that people can't take out policies and just cash out.

Wish I could make it look like an accident then if I wanted to try and get a payout for my family. (Not trying to commit fraud I'm sorry it comes off that way, just wish I could find a way to pay my dad back for all the money he's given me to help me live and start a business)
So sorry about your Mom! I felt the same when I lost mine and still do. As for using all the different drugs to exit, I think others here will tell you that it's not a good idea. To be successful, you need methods that have proven to be reliable.
Some threads here suggested fentaynl would be a pretty good option. And the patches especially since there's no vomiting. I'm willing to shell out for N though if need be.
 
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Soul

Soul

vroom vroom
Apr 12, 2019
1,492
3,417
I'm sorry you're going through all this.

All I know about insurance is that people here say normal life insurance policies will pay out even in cases of suicide if you've had the policy for more than two years. It's something you'd want to investigate for yourself, though.

It sounds like you have mixed feelings about ending your life. With a brand new business I would want to give it a chance to thrive. It's an awful lot of work, I know, but it must be something you care about, are interested in, etc, right? It might be a good thing to hold onto to stay steady.

And business aside: If you have mixed feelings, please don't rush to exit. You have the main "ingredients" you'd need to do that, which means you have options. You can wait to see how things develop, or for an insurance policy to reach the two-year stage.

I'm so sorry about your mother. Love and light to her. I hope she's comfortable and at peace. I'm sure you're a great comfort to her, being near as she reaches the finish line. (((Hugs)))
 
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toomuch2019

Member
Jul 11, 2019
7
33
It sounds like you have mixed feelings about ending your life. With a brand new business I would want to give it a chance to thrive. It's an awful lot of work, I know, but it must be something you care about, are interested in, etc, right? It might be a good thing to hold onto to stay steady.
The business can't support itself, my parents help every month with the credit card and rent in the off season. Once my mom is gone, my dad won't be able to afford to continue helping. He won't be able to let me stay in the house rent free either. And I can't afford to pay myself from the business yet. So, it's a pretty bad financial situation, on top of the grief of loosing my best friend.

I don't mind the work of the business- I love it if anything. It's just a money pit and that's depressing.

I'm so sorry about your mother. Love and light to her. I hope she's comfortable and at peace. I'm sure you're a great comfort to her, being near as she reaches the finish line. (((Hugs)))
Thank you. We're all sad but she's at peace with the decision. She knows she fought and we did all we could with modern medicine. We got 5 years with pancreatic cancer which is a miracle. We will be doing whatever is needed to keep her comfortable while she's still here.
 
Laststop

Laststop

Member
Jul 9, 2019
85
131
Hi Toomuch2019. Everyone's situation is different, so it's so hard to give advice to someone else about something so serious. First of all, method. Be 100% sure you have researched the use of drugs as your means of CTB. I had no idea before I started coming here to SS how common it is for attempts to do what we want to do to fail. More so for the drugs method, it seems. Failed attempts, if you REALLY want to go, must just be the worse! Waking up days later, still with all the issues you had that made you want to go to begin with, and now...who knows...kidney failure maybe? But besides that, I feel for you. At first, when I started looking into this, I was surprised by how many young people are here. A little taken back. I mean, the first thought to me is that the young have way more going for them than us older people. But then I thought about it more deeply. I remember my grandmother, back like 20 years ago when I was in my 20s, telling me she wouldn't want to have to be a young person today, having to make a go of it in this world, as it is now. I didn't appreciate that then. But, as I look around the city I've lived in for 20 years, it's starting to turn ghetto. I've been in one place long enough (in a part of the US that was once untouched by the problems of the Big City) to see societal decay. And the overall existence of most of us becoming more and more up hill. Only you can say what your potential future might be based on what you know about yourself. But I can tell you this. I almost CTB when I was 15. And if I knew then what I know now, I probably would have done it. Because I'm not competitive enough to do better, even with the knowledge I could have back then if I could. And about 97% of life for me since I've been in adulthood has sucked. I look back now, and I see that I made other people rich, while I just slaved away for nothing. And now I'm almost 50, and it's more and more up hill all the time. And even if you have it good, it can all come crashing down at any time. If you're up for the struggle, some people make it. I guess maybe for advice and encouragement towards success there are better places than here to go! I'm sorry about your mother. I've been there with my grandmother, who was like a mother to me. When she died of cancer I was older, but I've never been the same again. Please be sure of what you want to do, and then be solid in your method.
 
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NoDream

NoDream

Member
Mar 27, 2018
61
208
I think the two patches you have together with insulin would do. Only insulin and alcohol would probably work too.

But you have to make sure that noone can "help" you during a couple of hours.
 
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ExcitedToExit

New Member
Jun 26, 2019
2
2
Hi, new to the forum.

My mom is dying. She's losing her 5 year battle with cancer. She told me last night the dr said our last ditch effort at treatment isn't working and she's basically starving to death. So she's going on hospice. (This isn't a total shock- she went on hospice briefly last month before we wanted to try one more thing). But now I know this is really, really it. And she can barely eat so I can't imagine she will last very long.

My mom is my life. I don't want to live in a world without her.

But on top of that, I have nothing. She helped me start my business which isn't profitable yet. If anything, it's draining money from my parents. And her pension goes with her so then I can't even get help anymore. I haven't had an income in 2 years. I live in my parent's 2nd house. My bf hasn't proposed. I have no kids.

I have ADHD and everything in life is just HARD and EXHAUSTING. I'm a millennial and I just feel like there's no hope for me to be financially secure and be able to provide for myself.

I'm also terrified of losing my business and being a failure and wasting my parents' money.

Is there any type of insurance or anything I could get that would pay out on my death to be able to pay my family back even partially for the business? That's a real concern of mine. We lose the money if I close regardless, but if I could help with some type of insurance, that would be amazing.

I attempted seriously once when I was 15. I ODed. I usually wish it had worked. I never thought I'd try again, mostly because I didn't want to hurt my mom. If she's not here, I don't feel the same about living for anyone else. Sorry to the rest of my family, but it's true. I'm more sad about maybe leaving my cat and dog who adore me.

Sometimes I get sad thinking of leaving everything, but then I remember I wouldn't feel anything and what's left behind doesn't really matter. We'll all move on.

I have one friend who is like a little sister to me and battles with depression and SI that I worry most about. I wouldn't want to harm her.

I've considered how I'd do it though. My mom has lots of opiates around. And she won't need them when she's gone. She doesn't even use them now, so I already have a bottle of dialaudid and 2 of her fentaynl patches. She has a lot more. She doesn't like opiates but she keeps filling the rx on the off chance she needs them sometimes. I promise I would never steal her meds if she was needing them.

I don't use opiates so I have no tolerance built up. I figured 2 patches would be enough? And add in some of the dialaudid and either dom or zofran? Maybe even combine it with the insulin so someone can't just come along with Narcan?

She also has a crap ton of insulin around from being diabetic. That was my initial plan until she got the fen. patches this winter.

I thought I might go to the beach and just lay there. I don't want my bf to have to find me.

It's just awful because as sad as I am about losing my mom, money is the ultimate reason. I just don't know how to earn it. I've always just been stuck in retail and barely scraping by. I saw the thread about being a billionaire and yeah, a large amount of money would make me consider staying. I wouldn't have to work SO DAMN HARD. It's just exhausting with the ADHD and everything that goes with it.

Sorry this is long. I dunno if anyone has advice or words of wisdom. Anything would be appreciated.
God you’re lucky to have access to those patches. Not lucky your mom is passing but we are all here because we want to die. Half of us are here trying to get those patches.
 
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toomuch2019

Member
Jul 11, 2019
7
33
God you’re lucky to have access to those patches. Not lucky your mom is passing but we are all here because we want to die. Half of us are here trying to get those patches.
As soon as I saw she had leftovers, I instantly knew I could use them to exit.
I think the two patches you have together with insulin would do. Only insulin and alcohol would probably work too.

But you have to make sure that noone can "help" you during a couple of hours.
True, probably not good to do it on the beach then. Maybe I'll get a hotel room or something.
Hi Toomuch2019. Everyone's situation is different, so it's so hard to give advice to someone else about something so serious. First of all, method. Be 100% sure you have researched the use of drugs as your means of CTB.
1000%. I survived once. I don't ever want to survive again if I try again. I was perfectly fine last time, but may not be so lucky again. And who wants to survive when they're trying to go anyways??
 
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Going Home

Going Home

Wise
Sep 21, 2018
210
617
SHITORIAVILLE
I’m sorry about your mother. I feel the same way about someone.

I don’t have any insurance on myself. I would think they would do an investigation and probably not pay on suicide.

Again I’m sorry about your mother. That kind of pain is horrible. I hope you find peace.
K
 
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Broken Chimera

Broken Chimera

Waiting For The End
May 27, 2019
64
151
Sorry you're going through all of that. I've went through similar stuff so I know the feeling. I wish I knew how to help, but I couldn't figure it out for myself. That's why I'm here. Whatever you decide to do I hope you find peace. And I'm sorry about your mom.
 
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ExitTheDay

ExitTheDay

We fight to live or live to die
May 26, 2019
314
636
Massachusetts
First of all fuck cancer, secondly I'm very sorry about your mother... I feel the same about mine and would never want to lose her, I truly hope your mother can push further and give it all she's got to kick cancer in the face, I also wish she can watch you succeed with your buisness... and money has always been my problem aswell, trying to make ends meet is a fucking bitch in this fucked up society, I wish you the best!
 
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toomuch2019

Member
Jul 11, 2019
7
33
First of all fuck cancer, secondly I'm very sorry about your mother... I feel the same about mine and would never want to lose her, I truly hope your mother can push further and give it all she's got to kick cancer in the face, I also wish she can watch you succeed with your buisness... and money has always been my problem aswell, trying to make ends meet is a fucking bitch in this fucked up society, I wish you the best!
Unfortunately this is the end. It's been 5 years and we've gone through all the treatment options that there are. We gave it everything. Pancreatic cancer is basically impossible to beat. We were lucky to get 5 years! And honestly most of them were good years. We went on trips and had fun and had a great time.
 
blanketyblk

blanketyblk

Specialist
Jun 10, 2019
347
1,033
Hi, new to the forum.

My mom is dying. She's losing her 5 year battle with cancer. She told me last night the dr said our last ditch effort at treatment isn't working and she's basically starving to death. So she's going on hospice. (This isn't a total shock- she went on hospice briefly last month before we wanted to try one more thing). But now I know this is really, really it. And she can barely eat so I can't imagine she will last very long.
Many many hugs to you. i know the kind of pain your talking about losing your mum is one of the hardest things to go though and watching them waste away just amplifiers the pain. you feel so helpless. but you and she can take comfort that your there for her and that she sees you when she is awake. it might not feel like much but it does help.
 
riverstyx

riverstyx

Veteran
May 31, 2019
127
223
Secret moonbase
I feel the same way about my own mother. She's the only person I really care about. I also think about how my death, either naturally or by suicide, would affect her. I know she wouldn't support my decision to commit suicide, if it came to that.

Unfortunately I have cancer too, and by all likelihood I'm not going to get rid of it. The only thing I can do is buy time.

It's a terrible situation for her. Loosing your own child is the worst thing that could happen to a parent.

It is what it is though. Nothing I can do about it, except pray for a miracle. More and more people are able to live with their cancer thanks to the modern therapies we have access to today.

Currently I'm on immunotheraphy, and for all that I know I could be within the 20% of patients who respond well to it. In the best case I might even be cured, as some people have been. We're talking about 1 in a 100 or something like that, but it might as well be me. Luckily I'm able to have a constructive viewpoint on my own condition. It's not over before the fat lady sings :wink:



I'm fortunate that money isn't an issue for me. I think I'm good with money, and healthcare costs isn't an issue me either because I live in a country with an extensive welfare system. I feel sorry for my american brothers and sisters who risk going into bankruptcy or becoming homeless if they get seriously ill.

If I was a millionaire I would consider helping you out. Maybe you could start a gofund me campaign or something like that. You're in a difficult spot. People are willing to help if you get the word out. At least it could temporarily help you with your economic worries.

Life can be brutal, but don't give in before you've considered all your options. Remember that depression can cloud your judgement.
 
Letmego. Please

Letmego. Please

Master
Nov 18, 2018
460
1,449
Brexshit Land
Firstly sorry about your Mum,

You mention your friend who is like a little sister to you who also struggles with depression & suicidal thoughts, sorry to be blunt but you will cause her a great deal of harm given her attachment to you & she will most likely end up doing something that will hurt her.

You also seem to be concerned with money, yes i know it makes the world go round & helps to pay the bills but as max of a 19yr old (as you mentioned being a millennium) who considers hooking up with a rich person as a reason to stay suggests you are perhaps not yet really here as such, more that life just seems to much hassle & your Bf has proposed to you yet.

I am in no way meaning to be insensitive, but i think you might benefit from finding a grief councillor to talk to instead of making plans to try some possibly halfarsed od that will just cause you more problems unless you are after some support.
 
Snowx88

Snowx88

Member
Jun 29, 2019
56
70
New York City
The patches aren’t strong enough to kill , they are slow release patches over 24 hours . A lady survived 14 patches before in a suicide attempt and she took other drugs with it too . It’s too weak. U would have to either inject pure fent which is super hard to find and hide for at least 24 hours or extract the fent from the patches and make a cocktail drink out of all of it.
 

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