[Story] My story/just wanting to share the truth with someone

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Hydrokhoos

Hydrokhoos

Member
Dec 1, 2019
51
162
I know this post might receive a negative response, but this is something I’ve been wanting to get off my chest. Not sure if this could really be considered “CTB” or a “method,” but I was ready for my life to end.

I’ve told some people that I’ve tried to CTB before, but it's not exactly the full truth. I always say it was pills and pray they don't ask for any details past that. I haven’t told anyone the truth before because I’m afraid it’ll get brushed off and not be considered a real attempt. Really I’d just call it fortunate timing and an inability to access much else.

The full truth is that I got a UTI, which turned into a staph infection in my kidneys, which turned into me just...letting my body shut down.

A few things to help you understand my situation. I had recently moved to a foreign country for a work assignment that was supposed to last 1 year, I made it 5 months before this incident happened. The town we were staying in was incredibly small. One gas station, one very small limited grocery store, and the main street that ran through town with zero stop signs or stop lights. The only way I could still even self-harm was with a kitchen knife I had bought at the grocery store. I couldn’t order anything without going through the office of the organization I worked for, and I shared a room with someone so anything I purchased would’ve been difficult to hide and I rarely got time alone. These circumstances really limited my ability to plan much.

So when I got a UTI for the second time, I was so ready to be out of my situation that I decided to just let the infection spread to my blood and that would be that. Added bonus: I wouldn’t have to leave everyone wondering why I’d choose to end things myself. It felt like having an alibi for suicide or something like that. I felt better knowing that those I loved back home would hurt a little bit less given the circumstances of my death. It seems a little too far to call it a “method,” but it worked for me.
It was a slow, painful, almost death that took a few weeks to really take effect. Every day my lower back hurt more and more, and eventually I could feel my body starting to shut down. I had a fever and could barely walk by the end of it. I managed to walk to the beach (took me about 2 minutes) where I wore a bikini underneath a sundress, laid down on my towel, closed my eyes, and relaxed. My alternative was staying in my apartment where I shared a room with someone who was particularly abusive to me, so they definitely would have noticed and taken me to the ER. Trying to make it look like I was just enjoying a day at the beach was my best bet. I let the pain take over and felt myself slowly slipping away. I was at peace knowing it would all be over soon. The sound of the ocean and the hot sun on my face were the only things on my mind.

What I didn't count on was that this was Easter Sunday. The typically relatively empty beach attracted several family's once church had ended that day. I’m not entirely sure what happened because I was passed out by this point, but someone noticed I was actually unconscious and called an ambulance for me. I got put on antibiotics and now over 2.5 years later I still have severe sunburn scarring on my chest and damaged kidneys to show for it. And in some weird, cruel, irony, after years of getting UTI’s every few months, I haven't had one since then (or my body has successfully fought it off on its own).

Trying to plan things out this time around is so exhausting.
 
R

realjunes

Wise
Oct 1, 2019
217
320
Yours is an amazing and sad story at the same time. What sounds like it should have been a unusual but fascinating chapter in your life took a terrible unfair turn. I am very sorry you went through all you did and for what you are dealing with now.
Do you have definite plans for your future, or like others here, are you just looking and trying to get a feel for things on this forum. Many people say they begin by "lurking" which means they read and follow the posts on the forum, to get a feel for it, until and if they decide to post something for themselves.
Everybody here makes their own decisions and no one will tell you what to do or try to persuade you on an idea. But they will be happy to listen and talk, should you chose to do so.
In this forum are people of all walks of life with all levels of pain and suffering.
I can see by your writing style and very clear post, that you are an excellent communicator, and communication is what this forum is about. I hope you will become comfortable here with us, and we welcome you Hydrokhoos.
 
ThingWithFeathers

ThingWithFeathers

Member
Sep 23, 2019
99
215
I'm not religious but can't help noticing that you got resurrected on Easter Sunday. It takes certain degree of stoical perseverance and discipline to punish your body and yourself. Wonder what insinuated you to do this without any qualm, share if you please.
 
ThingWithFeathers

ThingWithFeathers

Member
Sep 23, 2019
99
215
Didn’t know you could die from a UTI. Crazy stuff mate
Yes, sepsis can kill a person in 24-48 hours. This happens when the microbial toxins enter the blood stream (sepsis sets in). What is beyond control is how to get this bacteria inside the body and how/when this bacteria will enter the blood stream (sepsis). Your body might be able to fight it off, unless you have a compromised immune system or you are on immunosuppressants. You start getting disoriented with severe blood pressure drop, so you lose further control. It is a painful way to go and highly unpredictable. 20 year old Mariana Bride da Costa died from this 10 years ago. The doctors has to chop up her limbs and stomach in a desperate attempt to save her. It's very messy. Don't even try.
 
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J

jgm63

Arcanist
Oct 28, 2019
528
693
Do you have a method in mind for this time around ?
 
almaranthine

almaranthine

Member
Nov 29, 2019
44
74
Fuck... any other day and you would have been allowed to pass on in peace in silence. I don’t know what to say. If there is a god, he is an ironic fellow. You cannot hate those people for turning you in to a hospital, for all they knew, you were just as them, desperately wanting to live. I give you my purest empathy... to die on the shore, that is quite an escape from this life (I badly attempted to pass out from pills/intoxication in a bathtub once). You are here though... and I am glad you do not have kidney problems.
 
Hydrokhoos

Hydrokhoos

Member
Dec 1, 2019
51
162
I'm not religious but can't help noticing that you got resurrected on Easter Sunday. It takes certain degree of stoical perseverance and discipline to punish your body and yourself. Wonder what insinuated you to do this without any qualm, share if you please.
Thank you for making me laugh! I've never thought of it that way.

I'll try to keep this brief. This was my first big project after graduating from college and it was my dream job. I’ve been struggling my entire life so graduating and getting the job was a huge win for me. For the first time I truly felt like I could succeed and that my life had purpose. Things started off great. Met a cute guy, got along great with the coworker I would be spending most of my time with, I loved the job, I loved the area…I just loved all of it.

Problem #1 was my boss. She lived with us at first and controlled every aspect of my life and had no respect for boundaries. She would walk in my room without knocking to make sure I was working 24/7. She would change what she wanted us to do on a whim and then yell at us for not doing it that way the whole time. These examples are just the tip of the iceberg. Everything I said and did was wrong. My coworker and I kept each other sane throughout all of it, until my coworker couldn’t take it anymore and quit.

Eventually there was an opportunity for her to move into a different house, but that also meant I would have to share a room with the aforementioned cute guy. I couldn’t take the constant abuse from my boss anymore and got along great with the cute guy, so I thought this was a win-win. I was very wrong. Cute guy eventually became very abusive (verbally and sexually), gaslighted me, and would constantly put me down to make himself look good in front of everyone else. Between the two of them I was convinced I was going crazy and couldn’t trust my mind. Work and home life was miserable. I literally had no where to escape to. Since this was my first job and I was doing so poorly I blamed myself for not being able to handle the abuse and was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to succeed in anything ever again. I felt like my career was over before it even began and I was convinced I wouldn't be able to get another job. I thought I was losing the only thing that had ever given me a purpose and happiness, and it was my fault.

My one regret is not sending my boss a dildo with a note saying “so you can go fuck yourself” when I eventually went back home.
 
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Hydrokhoos

Hydrokhoos

Member
Dec 1, 2019
51
162
Didn’t know you could die from a UTI. Crazy stuff mate
It's incredibly painful and very easily treatable before it reaches that point, it took me weeks to get there. Honestly I probably still had 48ish hours before I really would've died. It was slow and awful and took a lot of self-hatred to pull it off. I definitely won't be doing this again.
Yours is an amazing and sad story at the same time. What sounds like it should have been a unusual but fascinating chapter in your life took a terrible unfair turn. I am very sorry you went through all you did and for what you are dealing with now.
Do you have definite plans for your future, or like others here, are you just looking and trying to get a feel for things on this forum. Many people say they begin by "lurking" which means they read and follow the posts on the forum, to get a feel for it, until and if they decide to post something for themselves.
Everybody here makes their own decisions and no one will tell you what to do or try to persuade you on an idea. But they will be happy to listen and talk, should you chose to do so.
In this forum are people of all walks of life with all levels of pain and suffering.
I can see by your writing style and very clear post, that you are an excellent communicator, and communication is what this forum is about. I hope you will become comfortable here with us, and we welcome you Hydrokhoos.
Thank you! You have no idea what it means to me to feel so welcomed. I've been "lurking" on and off for about 8 months now. I had some big life changes planned and hoped they would put me back in a healthy social environment with a good support system. I don't have definite plans yet and still have hope for a happy future. It sounds cheesy but this incident did teach me that I can survive more than I thought I could, but it's comforting to me to know that I can CTB as a back up plan.
It's a little ironic to me that you would say I'm a good communicator, because I feel like that's where I'm struggling most in life.
Do you have a method in mind for this time around ?
Not really, I had this "romantic fantasy" involving cutting my wrists, but when I looked up what I needed to do I realized it probably wouldn't work. Now I'm not really sure what I'd do. Probably using firearms. The slow painful death was pretty rough.
 
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jgm63

Arcanist
Oct 28, 2019
528
693
Ok. Be sure to check out Stan's guide :

 
R

realjunes

Wise
Oct 1, 2019
217
320
I'm not religious but can't help noticing that you got resurrected on Easter Sunday. It takes certain degree of stoical perseverance and discipline to punish your body and yourself. Wonder what insinuated you to do this without any qualm, share if you please.
Oh, ThingWithFeathers, I too laughed along with OP, out loud, reading your observation that OP's event of resurrection occurred on Easter Sunday. I am jealous that I missed that comment worthy part. Good catch.
 
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ThingWithFeathers

ThingWithFeathers

Member
Sep 23, 2019
99
215
Oh, ThingWithFeathers, I too laughed along with OP, out loud, reading your observation that OP's event of resurrection occurred on Easter Sunday. I am jealous that I missed that comment worthy part. Good catch.
Glad to know that my dark comedy made you guys laugh. @Hydrokhoos is the messiah of this community, save us already. :-)
 
Underscore

Underscore

Ascended
Jul 31, 2018
815
1,514
UnUnited Kingdom
That was a horrible fascinating and we'll written tale of your experience. Sorry you had to go through that. I suffer from urinary issues amongst other things and I dread getting a uti.