My Goodbye Note to SS - SN

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AnxiouslyDepressed

AnxiouslyDepressed

Stuck- the guilt of leaving or the pain of staying
Nov 8, 2019
150
833
Glasgow, UK
Hi everyone.



The time has come for me to ctb via SN. It’s been an absolute pleasure getting to know some of you on this site, and to feel so welcomed when I first joined. As with anyone joining the site, particularly with the topic the site revolves around, it was very daunting... but I could not of asked for a more friendly bunch to welcome my thoughts and accept my choices and help me with any questions I had.



I would like to thank the staff, admins and moderators for the voluntary work they do for all of us. I’m sure I speak on behalf of all of us on this site, but thank you so very much for allowing this place to exist the way that it does. Easily accessible, non-judgemental and welcoming.



Before I go on, I will be updating this thread with posts/comments below as the time goes on documenting my experience in hopes it alleviates some of the anxiety that surrounds this method.



I would like to thank a few people for simply being them and making this journey to ctb that little bit easier. In no particular order, they are as follows:



@Charlotte The Carrot - The first person to have a proper conversation with me on this site, and made me feel a little less alone. A great artist! A kind, genuine soul and if everyone else reading this isn’t already, get in on the Charlotte fan club.



@CaptainT - The first person goodbye thread I had seen... and still reached out to help with with my anxieties surrounding SN. Gave me a lot of good information, and I hope I had somewhat repaid the favour. I hope you can find peace soon as I know you are keen to.



@SoupSnakes - Prone to strokes so watch out for that in the SS chat. Someone I can genuinely have a laugh with and feel somewhat “normal” with again, and at this time of my life means the absolute world. I’ll miss you taking the absolute piss out of me, and I know your keen on catching the bus soon too... so hope to see you over there so I can kick your fucking teeth in “petal” ;) and then hopefully thank you in person, if such a thing as an “afterlife” exists. If I come back as a spirit or anything like that, I’ll be on the first flight to Newcastle to absolutely terrorise this lass’ life. To summarise, I guess she’s alright ;)



@Stan - Not much doings with Stan, but a few PMs to answer my questions which I’m sure he is bombarded with all of the time. He is the one that put in the tremendous amount of effort to write his SN guide, something that I simply could not of ctb without. You clearly mean well, and you and @BPD jokes throughout threads gave me a good chuckle here and there. God speed to you Stan and for all the work you have done for us and countless more to come, thank you.



@kkatt - Looked our for me when going through extreme anxiety. Helped me in ways I cannot publicly mention (nothing NSFW you dirty dogs) but yeah, can’t thank them enough and was a MAJOR contributor in terms of me being able to overcome my SI and actually carry out the act that I wanted, the way I wanted.



@Bluefish - Bluefish doesn’t seem to be very active on the site threads or chat, as far as I have seen, but we have messaged back and forth since I signed up and he has an absolute heart of gold. The kindest soul that I have met in this site, and my heart breaks for his circumstances. I won’t mention anything as I’m unsure if he would be happy with me to share as he doesn’t publicly do it himself, but the guy has a lot going on (like we all do) and it seems at this point there’s no way out. Buddy, in one way or another, there is light at the end of the tunnel... if that’s new found hope of life or ctb, you will get there. Keep the head up mate.



@SinisterKid - A good laugh in the chat and took the time to reach out to me as he could see I was going through some rocky, hard moments. A genuine guy who wants to be here to help others, albeit not wanting to currently or actively ctb. Thanks for what you do here mate.



@LMLN - My SS mother. Has done nothing but look out for me and check in on me since the start. Like many others, my heart absolutely breaks for your situation and I know your date isn’t far away! Always cheered me up and made me feel like I had someone looking out for me. I hope your journey is as peaceful as can be and you are re-united with your husband. I will see both of you on the other side.



@angele - we only spoke briefly but your artwork is amazing! if you can somewhat pursue it, I would definitely go for it. The passion you have for it and the talent should not be wasted!



I hope I haven’t missed anyone else out, as I’m a little sedated with benzos just now!
And of course, the rest of the regulars at the SS chat (I cannot mention you all I’m sorry) and everyone else on this site. I can’t thank you all enough from the bottom of my broken heart.

Enough of the tears, on to the schedule. I did a sloppy regimen but we’ll see how it works out! Don’t punish me @Stan ;) Let’s see how well this goes trying to format on mobile.

Sun 24/11/2019

12pm10mg metoclopramide
12am10mg metoclopramide
Mon 25/11/2019



12pm10x metoclopramide
4:30pmstarted fast
5pm10mg metoclopramide
9pm1mg clonazepam
10pm10mg metoclopramide
10:30pmstopped drinking
11:30pm120mg propranolol, 1mg xanax, 4mg diazepam, 1000mg paracetamol
11:45pm30mg metoclopramide
12:00am20ml Milk of Magnesia
12:30am20g SN in 50ml water
So, I will be replying to this thread thanking the people that post below and then I will be posting updates on how I’m feeling. At the time of posting, its 9:40pm, so feeling s little sedated right now. Have some music on and even discovering some new music! Any recommend anything I can be doing in my last few hours?





Mam and Gran, I love you so much and I’m so sorry. To my unborn *possible* daughter, I am so sorry but you will do me proud hunny. To the rest of my family, I ask that you be allowed to grieve, and be angry, resent me, but I ask that you do not feel in anyway shape or form guilty. The personal notes to you all will hopefully help with overcoming any guilt feelings.


Take it easy everyone. I sincerely hope you all find peace regardless of the path you take. Live well or rest easy.

-AD
 
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SinisterKid

SinisterKid

Moderator
Jun 1, 2019
2,090
6,437
I knew it was coming, does not make it any easier to say farewell to one of the good uns. Its been a pleasure to know you via chat and if everyone was as pleasant as you have always been, our jobs would be the easiest ones in the online world.

Safe travels my friend, please find the peace you so richly deserve.
 
S

SuperSid

Member
Sep 2, 2019
16
11
Travel safe and go well friend. Whatever the outcome may you find peace. If you truly believe this is the time, you are unstoppable. Your family is in my thoughts though. PS: Maybe leave a note for your family if you haven't already? Otherwise sending love to you from this end x
 
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AnxiouslyDepressed

AnxiouslyDepressed

Stuck- the guilt of leaving or the pain of staying
Nov 8, 2019
150
833
Glasgow, UK
I’ve just done a little cry. The world is going to be worse off tonight.

I’ll leave you with this
Even though I’ll be here til the bitter end to help make it as peaceful as we possibly can for you x
A national hero in our country.

YOU ARE MA ONE DEEE SIIII AAARR


I knew it was coming, does not make it any easier to say farewell to one of the good uns. Its been a pleasure to know you via chat and if everyone was as pleasant as you have always been, our jobs would be the easiest ones in the online world.

Safe travels my friend, please find the peace you so richly deserve.
Thanks for the kind words mate. Really means a lot. Been a pleasure mate.
 
AnxiouslyDepressed

AnxiouslyDepressed

Stuck- the guilt of leaving or the pain of staying
Nov 8, 2019
150
833
Glasgow, UK
Oh gosh thank you for your kind words. Was absolute pleasure talking with you. I'm sad to see you go, and I'll surely miss you❤
You keep doing you Bluefish. It’s been a pleasure mate. You’ll be the first to know if whatever reason this fails, but so hope to see you on the other side
 
Antisad

Antisad

Member
Nov 24, 2019
9
28
Hey man, I just read everything you had written through tear-strained eyes. Even though I never knew you, you seem exactly like the kind of person I wish I had gotten to know. I don't know you, man, but I'll surely miss you from just reading everything. Wish we had the chance to talk. :heart:
 
AnxiouslyDepressed

AnxiouslyDepressed

Stuck- the guilt of leaving or the pain of staying
Nov 8, 2019
150
833
Glasgow, UK
I am crying. You are a lovely person and I will miss you so much. Such a lovely post.
You know I wish it could have been different for you. Remember there's no shame if tonight is not the right time. No shame at all!
I wish you peace ❤❤❤
You deserve to be happy. If that’s new found hope in life or ctb to be in eternal rest with your beloved, you deserve it. Keep cheering people up and I hope you find your peace. :heart:

Hey man, I just read everything you had written through tear-strained eyes. Even though I never knew you, you seem exactly like the kind of person I wish I had gotten to know. I don't know you, man, but I'll surely miss you from just reading everything. Wish we had the chance to talk. :heart:
Thanks for the kind words. I’m sure the pleasure would of been all mine. Take it easy buddy, and safe travels.
 
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G

GIRL502Hopelessness

Member
Nov 18, 2019
14
23
COMPRAR VIAJE LO MEJOR DE LAS VIBRAS QUE COMPRÓ MENSAJE PARA LAS PERSONAS QUE TE AYUDARON A TENER ÉXITO ..: corazón:: ahhha:
¿Hay alguien ahí?
Solo asiente si puedes oírme
¿Hay alguien en casa?
Vamos, ahora
escucho que te sientes mal.
Bueno, puedo aliviar tu dolor. Te pondré de
pie de nuevo.
Relájate
. Necesitaré información primero.
Solo los datos básicos.
¿Puedes mostrarme dónde duele?
No hay dolor, te estás desvaneciendo
Un humo navega distante en el horizonte
Sólo se le atravesándolo a oleadas
Tus labios se mueven pero no puedo oír lo que dices
Cuando era niño tuve una fiebre
Mis manos se sentían como dos globos
Ahora tengo esa sensación una vez más,
no puedo explicar que no lo entiendo.
No es así como soy.
Me volvió cómodamente insensible.
Resultados de búsqueda
Resultado del Gráfico de conocimiento
Confortablemente adormecido
Pink Floyd
 
AnxiouslyDepressed

AnxiouslyDepressed

Stuck- the guilt of leaving or the pain of staying
Nov 8, 2019
150
833
Glasgow, UK
what ls the reason you want to ctb op?
A whole load of reasons that unfortunately I won’t get into just now as I’m only about 90 minutes away from my SN drink! Childhood trauma/abuse surrounded by addiction? Being in and out of mentally abusive relationships? the amount of debt that I owe to the point where I cannot eat through the month without asking for more money from family or simply not eating... the fact that I have a daughter due in less than 4 weeks who I am unsure if I am even the father, and if I am I’m scared that my depressive traits will rub off on her, or that I won’t be able to afford to give her what she wants... or that I will even see her because her mother doesn’t get on with me too well, or that fact that I’ve never really felt like I’ve meant something to someone or had a proper purpose in life? I am lonely and only have my thoughts as company, which is why I’m here. Hope this answers your question

Why milk of magnesia? It makes you poop. Like crazy diarrhea.
By time I poop i’ll be gone, so not a worry to me. Still gets the required job done
 
L

L-L

The Longest Lurker
Nov 14, 2019
40
117
UK
I've followed a few of your posts and enjoyed what you have to say. You'll be a great loss.

If you're looking for a fairly melancholy song, try Dead in the Water by Noel Gallagher.

We're all here with you, and wish you the best.
 
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AnxiouslyDepressed

AnxiouslyDepressed

Stuck- the guilt of leaving or the pain of staying
Nov 8, 2019
150
833
Glasgow, UK
I hope you go out with good thoughts. No reason to spend your last moments with bad thoughts. You listen to some good music?
ahh thats such a lovely goodbye post, goodluck to you my friend, hope yr enjoying your tunes, whatever you are listening.

I've followed a few of your posts and enjoyed what you have to say. You'll be a great loss.

If you're looking for a fairly melancholy song, try Dead in the Water by Noel Gallagher.

We're all here with you, and wish you the best.

Thanks for the music suggestion, good fan of Noel’s but team Liam all the way.

Anyone else have some suggestions?
Are you still with us?
Yep, another hour and a half to go.