Story My entire life is a mistake

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nogoingback

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I feel like I don't want to write my story, because I am even more pathetic than other people on here. I want to go back to when I was 12 and tell myself everything I need to do to not get here.

I've always been anxious since I was as young as 5, even being too nervous to go up and talk to cashiers at times (sometimes I would get friends to do it for me because I was too shy). Eventually I became slightly more confident but never really took on real adult responsibilities, and never really committed to anything to learn it well. I always spent too much time in my own head, and always put stuff of or avoided them if I didn't feel like doing it. You like to think that you get over childish habits like that eventually, but I did not.

Cut to this past summer, middle of pandemic. I moved out at 26 last August and had a good few months before COVID and stressful, ever changing jobs started to crush me. I was trying to do the 'one day at a time' thing but just feeling anxious and depressed every day - like literally multiple daily, all consuming panic attacks that froze me and left me unable to do anything. I woke up and realized I have no idea how to do anything - I never even really learned how to buy my own clothes (how pathetic??) - a lot of my clothes I've had for years and were gifts or things my parents bought me. I never learned how to buy groceries on my own, or buy a car or take out loans or anything. I started to just want days to be over so I could sleep, but then I wasn't sleeping so what was the point anyway, just wait for COVID to be over but it's never going to be over and I'm never going to see my friends or family again and the whole world is just going to get worse, and worse and worse, with more pandemics and worsening climate change and such on the horizon and the internet owning more of our souls... and I do not have what it takes to survive in this world. I'm not okay being alone but I'm too anxious for a partner. People are always like 'humans are so resilient we'll get through this' but I am so not!!

So then I basically ran away from everything - job, house, most of my friends. I've literally spent the last few months doing nothing but watching YouTube at my parents house, hoping and praying for things to be different when I wake up, in the meantime self-sabotaging everything. I feel like I've dug a hole way too deep. I even cut myself off from my doctor and doctor's advice because I was like 'well, it doesn't matter, I'll be dead by then'. Even "tried" a bunch of times - belt in the closet, walking down to the river or highway in hopes I'll jump, trying to hang in the closet or shed. My brother is depressed and my sister has a disability and I've always prided myself on being the together one and I feel like I'll never be able to take care of them properly. I shouldn't be so incredibly reliant and codependent on my parents.

I'm more pathetic than others here because I gave up before really trying, and now I've dug myself a hole so deep I have no idea how to get out of it.

And the stupidest thing my life is SO EASY compared to so many others. I know it's dumb, but I sometimes wish I had gone crazy and been a drug addict or something as a teen, because then at least I could have been through some stuff and know how to interact with the world.
 
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SickAndIll1

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How did you spend your late teens and early 20s?,
I can relate to this so much and wish I could say more except hang in there
 
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nogoingback

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How did you spend your late teens and early 20s?,
I can relate to this so much and wish I could say more except hang in there
Late teens I was hardcore into the academic life but was too nervous to put myself out there and get a job, volunteer, etc. Basically watched YouTube videos and studied. After high school I went and lived with my aunt & uncle in the Philippines to avoid real life and responsibility (and getting a real job) but was still extremely unable to be alone, relying on my aunt & uncle and parents (from a distance) for support. I did go to university but did a general BA and basically avoided doing any practical courses. I feel like all I've done my whole life is think and do things based on what other people decide for me, and not commit to anything. I'm not confident in myself at all, or my ability to do things on my own.

How do you relate, what was your experience?
 
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BornofDust7679

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I'm very sorry about your experiences. I honestly think that your experience's in life isn't as ' worst" then others just because it's supposedly as " bad" as others here. Don't invalidate your feelings and experiences. This is the unfortunate influence of society, in terms of what actually constitutes as " bad experiences", especially since frankly from personal experience and observation, society sucks at doing this. Your feelings are just as valid, just because your not a drug addict or something doesn't mean your not allowed to feel the way
your feeling. The metric society gives to weather your thoughts and feelings are valid are based on mostly physical abuse and empirically seen tragic events, and that's when society says weather or not your feelings are valid(or even that you have a right to those feelings),Even though like I said, society generally sucks at measuring such things, so what your dealing with is as important as those of others here. And trust me, you do NOT want to be a drug addict. I'm not a drug addict, but from what I've seen and heard(even from this group) that its a nothing to just wave a sleight hand at hand(not saying you are doing this but just wanna let this be known)

If it makes you feel better I'm also a bit similar to you, in terms of never really been(and still to this day)allowed to buy my own clothes and never really got to experience much in life(I'm 23 and I've never been outside the state, or outside the country, or even outside my area),and still don't have my own car, so at least I sort of understand where your coming from, especially the wanting of life experiences, although and so I don't have much to offer except for the factor that you might consider how overrated some " life experiences." are once you actually experience it. Hope you find to your endeavors, especially involving you and your family.
 
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