Marked by BPD

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PDAnnie2610

Waiting for my bus.
Oct 27, 2019
194
301
It’s been something that’s been eating at me over the last month. During one of my work shifts, one colleague who used to work as a psychiatric nurse commented that patients with borderline personality are manipulative and attention seeking. That they only make shallow cuts and didn’t really want to die.

This is the nth time I’ve heard that comment. For someone who struggled so much with feeling that having this diagnosis was my fault, I find it hard to see myself being able to deal with my “checkered past” with this condition. This is the 5th year I’ve walked away from treatment because nothing can take away the rage, sense of helplessness and the never ending firefighting that I seem to have to grapple with, from childhood hurts to feeling trapped by things that happen. The sense of ambivalence, and the desire to keep trying to lead a fuller life, and trying to survive in a society that does not perceive mental health issues as disabilities has been difficult.

I can’t stop crying tonight, but I’m hanging on because I can’t go now. And I’m trying to convince myself to accept that when I do board the bus, I’ll be alone.

I feel flawed for having BPD. I wish very much that I can be euthanised, just like other animals. It just seems unfair to force someone to live, and yet deny them opportunities because they are not good enough.

I’ve encountered instances of being denied treatment when brought to triage when I was suicidal and depressed once my diagnosis was known. I do not know how to articulate how those situations made me feel.

Tonight is one of those rare nights I cry because I’ve been keeping it all in. My fears, loneliness and despair.. and wondering why I can’t have a lobotomy so that I need not be so sad anymore.
 
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Unspoken

Member
Jan 12, 2020
36
52
I can definitely relate and I am so sorry you are feeling so much sadness. I wish people were more sensitive to the BPD diagnosis and that it wasn’t an instant label that healthcare workers and others immediately judge you for. I really hope you are able to find some comfort for your tears and the help you are searching for.
 
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GoBack

GoBack

Enlightened
Apr 25, 2020
810
714
There is no other label like it. It’s maddening cause part of it is the tangled mess of emotion i get stuck in, then being treated like that by the people that labeled me and are supposed to help just adds a load of anger in top of it which is basically fuel to the fire. I’m burnt out at this stage
 
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ceasetobreathe03

ceasetobreathe03

You've never cared so stop pretending
Dec 20, 2019
1,113
1,148
I'm so sorry that you've been put in this position on several occassions :heart: People can comment all they want about an illness, whether they're a medical professional or not. No one knows what it's like to live with an illness unless they have it.. period. There's so many ignorant people out there and I wish I could really give you a huge hug right now. Heck, I want to cry with you because this world is so cruel and misunderstanding. You didn't choose the illness and like another member on the forum once said -- illness doesn't discriminate.

If you ever need to chat, I'm here. Sending BIG hugs :hug:
 
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noaccount

Veteran
Oct 26, 2019
190
225
Consider that the label may be a sophisticated slur rather than a really-telling description of you - after all, what did it do other than give your colleague more power to silence and mistreat people with the label?

The Self-Harm And/as Testimony bit here is really telling:

A lot of people have broken free of defining their lives as disorders, some of their stories are told here:
and at

Towards A Radical Understanding of Trauma Work is a bit more of a deep-dive but well worth it

Being assigned a "personality disorder," at the very least, isn't more determinant than being assigned a gender.
 
RileyTanaka

RileyTanaka

ill / failure
Mar 20, 2020
180
419
I used to work in the mental health industry. I never told any of my colleagues that I had BPD traits... After sitting in closed rooms with other professionals discussing clients during clinical supervisions, the negative bias they displayed when talking about clients with BPD was very obvious and reductive. Often there is a flawed consensus that people with BPD thrive on conscious, willful manipulation of others. The source of this mysterious need to "manipulate" others wasn't discussed, certainly not in the context of childhood trauma. I vowed never to disclose it to anyone from that point forward.

As controversial as this might sound, I would recommend most people with BPD be extremely careful about how they disclose this, even to licensed therapists - even moreso to NHS providers if you're in the UK, since many seem to enjoy writing off this diagnosis as untreatable and cut your services. Many therapists are simply not trained with modalities targeted to deal with it and too many of them will let their countertransference and bias poison their rapport with you.

I only ever really discussed this deeply with one psychotherapist of mine who was trained to deal with these issues, and saw me as a person first - and not as some callous, manipulative wretch who likes to cause toxic pain to others. So, to the OP, if you suspect negative bias towards BPD and how it affects treatment, you are not imagining this; there most certainly is one. Is there a chance you can switch providers? It not, you may find better help through DBT self-help manuals, online resources and forums for people with the same diagnosis. Often there is so much more understanding there. You are not alone.
 
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noaccount

Veteran
Oct 26, 2019
190
225
I would say we need to go a step further and find that the invention of the "Personality Disorder" does not predate the negative bias - that is, people with power were biased against you first, they were angry at your disagreement or disobedience towards them first, and they invented the "Personality Disorder" after the fact to make their opinions "legitimate" and yours "pathological."
 
BridgeJumper1994

BridgeJumper1994

Wizard
Apr 7, 2019
667
922
Oh yes
One of my diagnoses is bpd and Im treated like human trash, the scum of the earth.
Mental hospitals refer me to treatment centers, telling me they cant help me
Treatment centers turn me down because Im bipolar
I return to the psych ward and suddenly Im not bipolar, Im bpd and I need to gtfo back to the treatment center
Etc etc etc
I was lucky to finally meet an educated doctor that put me on lithium and boom, Im not dealing with emotionaly outbursts and actively trying to jump anymore. Hows that, you ignorant so called 'professionals'?
 
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