Lost and afaid

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TheLastSacrifice

Veteran
Feb 14, 2020
120
92
Wife used me for everything I had and is now leaving me to die. Im not wanting to play victim here but I got kicked out of my own home and bills were caught up. Then a couple weeks ago she was in trouble. I have been kicked out for 2 months and she was going to be evicted so I gave her the $1200 I had spent the last two months saving up to save myself. She now refuses to keep her word and pay me back and says I brought all this on myself and to go ahead and kill myself. Im scared.
 
Suicide_vampire

Suicide_vampire

Veni Vidi Velcro
Feb 11, 2020
222
350
Don't be scared, just keep talking to us. We are here for you to listen and support.
I understand your pain probably more than most would, I have 2 ex wives both were physically and psychologically abusive to me, hence the divorces but it took time till I was strong enough to leave the marriage on my own terms.
I came close to ctb because of it all but I'm glad I didn't at that time because when I do it, I want it to be on my terms not as a reaction to someone's behaviour towards me.
I have suffered a lot of injustice in my life and been powerless, I won't allow my death to be the same.
Please keep talking to us you will find much love and support here.
 
Brick In The Wall

Brick In The Wall

2M Or Not 2B.
Oct 30, 2019
2,559
5,166
I know the feeling bro. My wife left me after 13 years and took all of my shit too. It can be scary but there is still some hope.

There's alot of men here in similar situations I've come to realize. We're here if you need to talk or need advice.
 
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TheLastSacrifice

Veteran
Feb 14, 2020
120
92
The hardest part is not knowing what I actually did. I am not arrogant enough to pretend I could have done nothing wrong. I made mistakes. Never cheated or anything like that. It's not just the loss but having nothing and knowing it's my fault that I just gave it away to her. My family thinks I'm an idiot. Everyone has pretty much written me off as the helpless dude that is screwed. My dad put it as "I just can't help you. I can't take on your level of mental illness.". They are referring to me always hoping to get back with my wife and going back to it all. I basically chose my wife and have lost everyone else in the chaos. They're sick of it and sick of me. In general. Which is what she wants and likes. She sent me messages last night asking how it feels to lose everything and everyone. Tbis is normally behavior of a wife who has been cheated on. It's vengeful and I don't know what to do. I try to communicate with her and tell her I'm sorry but it doesn't work. I get told to go die or threatened with restraining orders , until she needs money. Then she says I'm Mr Right again if I just get stable and treat my depression, which I'm absolutely willing and been trying. They only give me one appointment with a therapist a month for an hour.
 
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Suicide_vampire

Suicide_vampire

Veni Vidi Velcro
Feb 11, 2020
222
350
I feel your pain, brother. I know the evil power a woman can have over you and how they use and abuse it, now I'm not talking about every woman, just the ones in our stories.
Are you on meds? Where are you from? USA/UK?
Just keep talking you are worth more than you have right now and together we can pull through this.
Believe me, there's another way
 
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ClonesAnnoyMe

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Feb 7, 2020
134
108
I'm so sorry for what you're going through
Please talk to us

There are good people here who won't take you for granted

I know it doesn't seem so bright but I promise you that time heals all
 
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escapefromabuse

Here's Tom with the weather
Jan 25, 2020
143
178
You're not alone at all. I'm in the same boat. She just left with a lame excuse and now life is a complete mess. I feel for you.
 
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TheLastSacrifice

Veteran
Feb 14, 2020
120
92
Im from the USA. Im living at my dad's which is isolated in the woods and not what I'm used to. Every attempt to get my own place has failed and there is nowhere to work and no way to get there to even move forward in life. Been calling housing authorities and mental health organizations and can't get any advice on what to do other than just die. I don't really have any other choice but to sit in this room and miss my wife and make my father and stepmother miserable with me being here helpless and depressed. I can work. I want to work. To get out of here and come back to civilization. It's my daughter's bday tomorrow. Wife was happy for me to buy presents but as far as seeing my daughter or talking to her on the phone...I can't get any response
It's not just the pain of the loss. I don't know what to do to survive the moment even if I don't ctb.
It's not just the pain of the loss. I don't know what to do to survive the moment even if I don't ctb.
It's not just the pain of the loss. I don't know what to do to survive the moment even if I don't ctb.
Oo
Im from the USA. Im living at my dad's which is isolated in the woods and not what I'm used to. Every attempt to get my own place has failed and there is nowhere to work and no way to get there to even move forward in life. Been calling housing authorities and mental health organizations and can't get any advice on what to do other than just die. I don't really have any other choice but to sit in this room and miss my wife and make my father and stepmother miserable with me being here helpless and depressed. I can work. I want to work. To get out of here and come back to civilization. It's my daughter's bday tomorrow. Wife was happy for me to buy presents but as far as seeing my daughter or talking to her on the phone...I can't get any response
It's not just the pain of the loss. I don't know what to do to survive the moment even if I don't ctb.
It's not just the pain of the loss. I don't know what to do to survive the moment even if I don't ctb.
It's not just the pain of the loss. I don't know what to do to survive the moment even if I don't ctb.
oops didn't mean to post repeats.
 
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ClonesAnnoyMe

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Feb 7, 2020
134
108
I'm so sorry but you seem like a strong individual and you still have alot to live for

Maybe work will take your mind off things? Take time out for yourself, find your new identity I promise you will feel better and have more self confidence. This forum helped me greatly I hope it does the same for you
 
Suicide_vampire

Suicide_vampire

Veni Vidi Velcro
Feb 11, 2020
222
350
Right I'm in the UK, so limited idea of the system in the States.
Get yourself to a doctor, get on meds, take time to get yourself well and then fight for access to your daughter, right now your not in the right place and while it might be hard to not see her tomorrow, it will be better in the long run. Get the help YOU need before thinking of anyone else, it's time to be selfish and put yourself first for the first time in your life.
Trust me, putting yourself right will make all the difference
 
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TheLastSacrifice

Veteran
Feb 14, 2020
120
92
I have tried everything. Getting a job. My dad borrowed$750 used it for pot and the ensuing arguments over his usage of my money and how that's not a way to help your son overcome this hurdle pissed him off and he won't let me drive to work. Wife has "Our vehicle" but I can't take that from her. I went to the gym. Got ripped. Lost like 80 lbs am bodybuilding/calisthenics for stress. Maybe to look good for a new gal. None of it is working. Been three months of doing anything I can. Working out. Meditation. Nothing helps. All I think about is death.
 
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ClonesAnnoyMe

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Feb 7, 2020
134
108
I understand I've been there before, have you tried mood stabilizers like Lithium? It may help you greatly

I don't mean to guilt trip you but I don't know what id do if my parents killed themselves. I probably wouldn't have survived
 
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TheLastSacrifice

Veteran
Feb 14, 2020
120
92
I was on mood stabilizers when we were together. My doctor who I am seeing once a month thinks I have borderline personality disorder and doesn't think meds are the answer.
 
Suicide_vampire

Suicide_vampire

Veni Vidi Velcro
Feb 11, 2020
222
350
If you have borderline you need meds at least in the short term till you can get proper support, once a month is not enough for you right now
 
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TheLastSacrifice

Veteran
Feb 14, 2020
120
92
My wife took all the money and was happy to talk to me and take the presents but then just abruptly said don't call her anymore and says I'm a stalker if I want to try to talk about seeing my daughter. If I am a stalker then why call me for $$
It's a rhetorical question. It's just like the silver bullet to any attempts to communicate or be fair to each other. "He's stalking me!". No I was told I would be able to call and text and be paid back on this day.
 
Suicide_vampire

Suicide_vampire

Veni Vidi Velcro
Feb 11, 2020
222
350
She's using you and playing with your feelings, my advice is too cut all contact with her, until you are in a better frame of mind, you need to be strong to deal with that situation
 
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TheLastSacrifice

Veteran
Feb 14, 2020
120
92
Cops and courts won't listen to anything I say no matter how much evidence inshow that she is not being abused harassed or stalked and showed them the evidence of her playing me and inviting me over and all the manipulative behavior. They don't seem to care.
 
Suicide_vampire

Suicide_vampire

Veni Vidi Velcro
Feb 11, 2020
222
350
Legal forces will always take the females side that's just the nature of the beast. That's why you have to stop dealing with her right now and concentrate on yourself, so that soon you will be in a position to fight for your rights as a parent
 
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TheLastSacrifice

Veteran
Feb 14, 2020
120
92
She's using you and playing with your feelings, my advice is too cut all contact with her, until you are in a better frame of mind, you need to be strong to deal with that situation
I can't fight it when I'm alone with her. Im wanting to believe what she says. I put my whole life onto this family and gave up everything I had the last few years to get my wife out of her old job and on her feet. But she just acts like everything I did was her accomplishments. I did nothing helpful and I'm just a loser who....and even couple x is better than.....and I am not a cheater. Im not a deadbeat. Im not a drug addict. I just didn't give her what she wanted I guess. Idk. She is living safe and sound. I paid for it. Im proud of it but I have to live in the woods in the cold and she just gets to go on living on my sacrifice. It's just not right. If there was a god this is wrong. Everyone around me my family and friends just act like this is normal
Like if there is no hope for any justice or to even have a chance to tell my story then there really is no point to not ctb
 
HannahB

HannahB

Death is the true name of time.
Oct 29, 2019
189
553
In every situation you are both a teacher and a student. Just because in the end a thing you did triggered the breakup doesnt mean everything good you have done is nullified. You I'm sure taught her many good things about life and now you have a choice you can learn the goodness from this situation or you can observe the badness. Neither is better or worse it is your choice to be a student and teacher or just a teacher or neither. All paths add value to existance, all paths create more entropy and therefore more universe. It's your decision what universe you want to build or if you want to build at all.
 
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TheLastSacrifice

Veteran
Feb 14, 2020
120
92
And pretty much anywhere i turn to try to talk or get help the only thing I hear is "She's a woman."
 
Suicide_vampire

Suicide_vampire

Veni Vidi Velcro
Feb 11, 2020
222
350
I'm going to tell you some advice someone once gave me when I was in your situation.

You can't live your life for someone else, until you have your own power you can't be someone elses

JJust think on that
 
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TheLastSacrifice

Veteran
Feb 14, 2020
120
92
In every situation you are both a teacher and a student. Just because in the end a thing you did triggered the breakup doesnt mean everything good you have done is nullified. You I'm sure taught her many good things about life and now you have a choice you can learn the goodness from this situation or you can observe the badness. Neither is better or worse it is your choice to be a student and teacher or just a teacher or neither. All paths add value to existance, all paths create more entropy and therefore more universe. It's your decision what universe you want to build or if you want to build at all.
A good, loyal, loving one.
If I knew something I could do today.... something I could do now to better myself, a way to go to work.... something other than another stupid day of diet, excercise and meditation...like actually make something happen..
 
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HannahB

HannahB

Death is the true name of time.
Oct 29, 2019
189
553
A good, loyal, loving one.
Beautiful. Cant you see that you already started? Your here seeking love. Asking questions which created love, caring and loyalty in others. Your more powerful than you know, you created this whole other section on this website dedicated to love that didnt exist before and seeing how this website exists inside the universe I'd say your doing pretty good.
 
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TheLastSacrifice

Veteran
Feb 14, 2020
120
92
I know and you people on here do mean alot. I have been reading the way you all treat each other. I just wish I could find people like you all in person.
 
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Suicide_vampire

Suicide_vampire

Veni Vidi Velcro
Feb 11, 2020
222
350
We all wish that, most of us on here are alone and our only connection is on here, but for now that's enough for us while we deal with our issues and decide what path to take.
Just know 24hrs a day there will be someone here that you can talk to
 
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TheLastSacrifice

Veteran
Feb 14, 2020
120
92
I put a knife to my neck last night. Sounds melodramatic. Cry for help. But I was alone. It was scary to even place it upon my neck. Noda Kiri. Female Seppuku. Wouldn't try the male version.
That was a moment of terror.
 
Suicide_vampire

Suicide_vampire

Veni Vidi Velcro
Feb 11, 2020
222
350
When you feel like doing that again, send a message in here, don't ever act on impulse, please.
No one will judge you, don't ever think you're being melodramatic
 
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