[Venting] Lonliness: Is it the Ultimate SI crusher?

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Dawn0071111

Dawn0071111

Hungry Ghost
Dec 9, 2018
575
1,301
Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Text messages: EMPTY
Phone Log: EMPTY
My Room: EMPTY
My life: EMPTY
My heart: EMPTY

Why? I did it to myself. I didn't mean to. Relationally damaged since childhood. The hungry ghoast is always starving but never filled. It is merciful to put her out of her misery. Let the emptiness return to emptiness....

Yes. This is the true pain that trumps survival instinct. Because a huge part of survival for humans is community, family, connection, social significance. Once that is gone, death is close by.... Like tribes of old, would punish by banishment. I learned to banish myself. Over & over & over.... And it wasn't until... I met HIM. That would be the final banishment.

Im ok with it. Threats of "future potential" cause a brief panic. But then I remember. I AM ALONE.

To crush any fear, all survival instinct and any threat of "future potential" all I need to do is look at my phone, my heart, my room, my life.

Relational brokeness. Isolation.
These are The boarding passes for the Bus.​
Thoughts?​
 
Last edited:
Sweet emotion

Sweet emotion

Arcanist
Sep 14, 2019
555
689
Well you know I'm going to answer you sweetie. I've been alone for 14 years. Just isolated from society because of this damn disease. Isolated from family....any means of having a romantic relationship is non existent. This is a huge factor in why I'm going to be gone one day. Something happened tonight...something awful. Accidentally hurt my ears so bad that I feel like someone poured cement in them and sealed them up. I don't know why I'm putting myself through this misery anymore. It's pointless.
 
a_strange_day

a_strange_day

Wise
Jul 16, 2019
209
557
europe
Loneliness. The thing is that you adapt slowly and after a while it becomes a new normal. What I mean is that I've been totally alone for two years and I did it on purpose in order to have nothing left to lose and make it easier to end it. But we are resilient creatures and adaptation is part of our nature so for me it' doesn't change anything about SI, it just eases my mind since I have nothing left. We BPD people are the ultimate fighters, we've spent our whole life fighting.both others and ourselves.
 
OnlyMercy

OnlyMercy

No More
Oct 23, 2018
176
558
Loneliness. The thing is that you adapt slowly and after a while it becomes a new normal. What I mean is that I've been totally alone for two years and I did it on purpose in order to have nothing left to lose and make it easier to end it. But we are resilient creatures and adaptation is part of our nature so for me it' doesn't change anything about SI, it just eases my mind since I have nothing left. We BPD people are the ultimate fighters, we've spent our whole life fighting.both others and ourselves.
I agree. My fear is that I will grow so accustomed to the low point in my life that I will learn to see it as acceptable.
I need to leave this place before any further decay occurs.
 
Dawn0071111

Dawn0071111

Hungry Ghost
Dec 9, 2018
575
1,301
Somewhere Over The Rainbow
I
Loneliness. The thing is that you adapt slowly and after a while it becomes a new normal. What I mean is that I've been totally alone for two years and I did it on purpose in order to have nothing left to lose and make it easier to end it. But we are resilient creatures and adaptation is part of our nature so for me it' doesn't change anything about SI, it just eases my mind since I have nothing left. We BPD people are the ultimate fighters, we've spent our whole life fighting.both others and ourselves.
I haven't embraced an offucial diag for myself. However BPD has the highest rate of completed suicide for ALL mental illnesses. It is the only diagnosis that includes suicidal ideation as diagnoric symptom. So while this group may have emotions that run deep.... the burnout rate is high. I personally am done fighting. Let someone else do it & if no one comes... oh well...lol..
 
Sweet emotion

Sweet emotion

Arcanist
Sep 14, 2019
555
689
Loneliness. The thing is that you adapt slowly and after a while it becomes a new normal. What I mean is that I've been totally alone for two years and I did it on purpose in order to have nothing left to lose and make it easier to end it. But we are resilient creatures and adaptation is part of our nature so for me it' doesn't change anything about SI, it just eases my mind since I have nothing left. We BPD people are the ultimate fighters, we've spent our whole life fighting.both others and ourselves.
I
Loneliness. The thing is that you adapt slowly and after a while it becomes a new normal. What I mean is that I've been totally alone for two years and I did it on purpose in order to have nothing left to lose and make it easier to end it. But we are resilient creatures and adaptation is part of our nature so for me it' doesn't change anything about SI, it just eases my mind since I have nothing left. We BPD people are the ultimate fighters, we've spent our whole life fighting.both others and ourselves.
I still can't adapt to it and it's been literally 14 years in isolation in my apartment. I have a physical condition where sound brings me the most excruciating pain. I have something called Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. So I can't speak because it hurts. I can't listen because it hurts. Then travels to my head and face and I feel like I'm being physically tortured. I loved being around people. I have to have help doing many things so I do live with someone but I want a relationship. I want to understand what love feels like. I got sick at 20 and never really was in a meaningful relationship because the guys in my area were so damn immature and just wanted to brag about being with me so I was very cautious. My family lives in the same small town and I see them a few times a year when I have to leave the house if someone is mowing the lawn and it's too hot or cold to sit in the car. So I go to their houses. But they hate that because it's like I'm a burden and God forbid they turn down their tv for 15 minutes. I talk to people on the internet and have met some really wonderful people on this site but to me it's just words on a screen. It's not like having a best friend or a boyfriend or husband. I feel like I'm in solitary confinement for a crime I didn't commit. I got sick at 20 and am now 34 so I missed out on the best years. I don't know how I remained to be so mentally strong during all of this. But I can't go on watching the world pass me by knowing there is so much out there that I can't have.
 
lovemelovemenot

lovemelovemenot

what's the use...?
Jun 22, 2019
29
140
I think about this all the time. It would be my main reasons for CTB. How does one continue to go through life lacking any deep meaningful, fulfilling bonds? I knew I was kinda off from a young age. Couldn't make friends or talk to people well, never felt apart of something. It only got worse as I got older. I've tried to go out of my way to talk to people and make friends but I just don't know how to relate or what to say. I feel like an alien trying to act normal in a human body and everyday it's so painfully apparent to me that it will never get better. I'm not sure how some people accept lonliness. I genuinely think the only thing that makes life worth living is mutual love and friendship. At least it eases the pain enough to get by.
 
Dawn0071111

Dawn0071111

Hungry Ghost
Dec 9, 2018
575
1,301
Somewhere Over The Rainbow
I think about this all the time. It would be my main reasons for CTB. How does one continue to go through life lacking any deep meaningful, fulfilling bonds? I knew I was kinda off from a young age. Couldn't make friends or talk to people well, never felt apart of something. It only got worse as I got older. I've tried to go out of my way to talk to people and make friends but I just don't know how to relate or what to say. I feel like an alien trying to act normal in a human body and everyday it's so painfully apparent to me that it will never get better. I'm not sure how some people accept lonliness. I genuinely think the only thing that makes life worth living is mutual love and friendship. At least it eases the pain enough to get by.
100 % agree....How does one get thru life lacking deep, meaningful, fullfilling bonds? I guess thats where addiction & distraction come into play. But Im done with a life full of "consolation prizes..."
 
White_Room293

White_Room293

rapid cycling gay guy
Sep 13, 2019
144
125
United States
I've only felt loneliness for brief moments in life. I don't get the emotion. It seems like it's based in a lack of self love or something. I really just don't get it.
 
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Stan

Stan

Factoid Hunter
Aug 29, 2019
1,401
2,776
United Kingdom
I think having had strong bonds to now having nothing will help my SI. Going forward with only more difficulties and old age creeping in pretty much at this moment overrides what I expect to be my SI wobble. Plus I will be taking a little something beforehand which will help
 
Empty Smile

Empty Smile

I'm just a dreamer, who dreams of better days
Jul 13, 2018
1,530
6,814
49
In the deepest depths of hell
Been alone 5 years. Sure there's been lonely nights and days, but as time went by, I got more used to it. Then it got to the point to where I enjoy being alone. I don't have to put up with any other person's bullshit, nobody brings their drama to me, and I can deal with me on my own terms.
 
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