[Story] Life story/Why I'm here.

  • Welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, a pro-choice forum for the discussion of mental illness, suicide, and the moral implications of the act itself. This is not a pro-suicide site. We do not encourage or aid suicide, and the information offered is for educational purposes only. Read our rules and FAQ for more information. We also offer a recovery subforum if you wish to get support.

    You can close this box by clicking the top right "X".

Tiredman

Tiredman

Rest is best
Apr 30, 2018
230
601
I've never said all this so bear with me. I had an early childhood groin injury that I never got addressed because I was ashamed and it made having sex impossible later in life. It also gave me depression at an early age and I was bullied for being quiet and anti social. I was however able to get honours during highschool and was into running and working out. I was usually the second fastest runner when it came to our yearly long distance run. I'd always go for a jog when I felt depressed or anxious and it really helped me cope. When I was 16 I got involved with the wrong friend group and neglected my school work in favor of partying. I was still able to get honors for grade 11 but I nearly failed grade 12. During grade 12 I started really smoking pot and skipping classes after two of my friends passed away in a car crash. This made me pretty much give up on my dreams of going to post secondary because my marks were below the prerequisites for even the local college. During all this my parents nearly disowned me for throwing away my future. They also had marital problems that made it really stressful living with them. It was a year after highschool and I still had no ambition to go to school so they forced me to get a job or said they'd kick me out. So thats when I started working at a small family owned utility company and worked there for 5 years. I lost contact with most of my friends because it was a work-away kind of job and I was rarely in town for long. The company had horrible safety practices that left me with messed up shoulders, chronic back pain, hearing loss, and a bunch of dirt lodged in my eyes. I also broke my knee and hit my head while longboarding during my second year working there. This left me unable to run anymore and gave me memory/concentration problems. Fast forward to last year.. all the long hours working on residential roads with no access to a washroom has left me with kidney + digestive tract damage making life even worse because I can't work anymore without making my problems worse so last week I moved back in with my parents..(more on that in a bit).. My teeth are in horrible shape aswell because at work I never had time in the morning to go back to the hotel room and brush my teeth... we'd get up at 6 and drive to McDonald's or Tim hortons for breakfast then go straight to work at 7... my old boss is 28 and has already lost all of his molars so it's not like he'd be sympathetic (dumb ass probably thinks it's normal). His dad owns the company and had dentures when he was 40.. and his other son's teeth are all green and rotten and he's only like 32..... I used to have perfect straight teeth with no cavities... and now I have periodontal gum disease meaning I'll need multiple teeth pulled once the decay has set in a bit more. I'm also up all night now going to the washroom like an old man even though I'm in my mid 20's because of my kidney problems. I've also gained a bunch of weight since leaving work... On top of all that I had a really shitty roomate for the past 8 months that had like 8 cats (3 to begin with then one had kittens) and they pissed on everything that wasn't in my room. I forgot to close my door one time and they pissed on my bed and my blankets aswell. My roomate also wasnt working for a while (but for no good reason) so when I was away at work he rented out the room beside mine to a crack head. When I finally moved out all my stuff smelled like cat piss and crack smoke... and I had to throw most of it out. If I had a second chance I'd go back and tell myself to never get involved with drugs/alcohol and focus on schoolwork... I could've had a master's degree by now and still been in near perfect health But I'm way past the point of no return because my shitty life choices have ruined everything. I'd much rather be dead then spend the next 40 or 50 years dealing with all my health issues even though I doubt I'd make it that long. Tomorrow I will walk into the woods and never return. I failed my parents and they will never be able to get over me being gone but atleast they'll know I'm no longer suffering.
 
I

internetera

Member
Apr 22, 2018
13
23
I'm sorry for ya,you went through a lot.Thats the one thing that makes me hate myself for suiciding,i do have good physical health. My relatives had this kick me out thing too,which is strange since they had to fight on court to get me in the house after my parents died.Good luck with what you decide.
 
alice-jane

alice-jane

Member
Apr 22, 2018
60
140
i’m so sorry. you’ve been through some rough stuff. it’s horrible how that company gets away with such low standards. comes down to plain greed. i wish you peace.
 
Tiredman

Tiredman

Rest is best
Apr 30, 2018
230
601
It's a miracle I've made it this far to be honest. And yeah they were a horrible company that only cared about money but in the end it's my fault for staying there. I'll check my last lotto max ticket tomorrow night (because why not eh?) and then be off on my way to whatever comes next. Best of luck in both your endeavours whatever they may be.
 
T

typx

Specialist
May 4, 2018
384
1,381
I read your story. A company like that has no business being around. It's miserable what a job can do to us. I hope you find your peace.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Mari and dano6533