Last time I'll ever see x, eat y, drink z, hear a... (etc) gave me so much anxiety before attempt 1

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A

ab112

Member
Nov 30, 2019
21
40
It was very anxiety provoking when my date approached and then I came down with a severe sinus infection and didn't want to do it in that state... even though i considered that it might have looked like complications from the infection (though I doubt it - for any coroner with a brain). Anyway, every time I texted someone - I was like "this is my last text from him ever" or any time I had anything to eat (or a freaking cup of water) it was "the last time I'll have water in a glass like this with ice..." I was such a weird nutcase about all this even though I've been extremely suicidal on and off for over 10 years. And now, it's worse than ever. I almost have no choice but to do it now. You can only tread water for so long (in all aspects of life) and 10 years has been me barely holding on.

Anyway, back to the question. Why do I keep focusing on all this? I guess the problem with this question is that most of the people to answer it may already be dead (unless they failed like me)... but I guess there have to be people who set a date and them moved it and moved it again - and kept having "last" moments that were creepy and anxiety provoking. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm re-planning and I am already starting to have these things happen again...and they annoy me. The instinctual answer is "if you were really at peace with your decision, it wouldn't bother you" but I am 100% at peace with it (and desperate for it not to fail again).
 
SoupSnakes

SoupSnakes

-
Nov 11, 2019
217
720
Newcastle, UK
Not being alive anymore is very thought provoking for anyone, I don’t imagine there’s a person going who thinks of suicide but doesn’t also think of all of the things you mentioned. I imagine it’s also down to the fact that we cannot possibly know what is after, you’re bound to feel anxious, it’s only normal. But unfortunately, it’s only you who can over come that. It’s completely normal.
 
Moonicide

Moonicide

ᴘʜᴀꜱᴇꜱ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏᴏɴ
Nov 19, 2019
815
2,570
ʟᴀ ʟᴜɴᴀ
I would have ended my life last month if it wasn't for getting my hands on Meto. So I often think about how this is the last time I'll experience things every single day. I sit with those emotions and sometimes get caught up in knowing I won't experience these things again, but then I realize I'm losing sight of the big picture which is how my living situation isn't sustainable and ctb would ultimately be the best thing for me. I know I'll be at peace with my decision, but you can't help but think about those last moments. I'm treating everything as it is my last moment... You can be at peace with your decision and still feel the way you do, you know? That's absolutely valid. There are still going to be things I'll miss as I exit this world.
 
mathieu

mathieu

Arcanist
Jun 5, 2019
535
924
I think the same things but it’s positive for me. I am glad there’s not long to go.
 
MissNietzsche

MissNietzsche

Specialist
Aug 1, 2019
354
497
We fear the unknown. Death is unknown, but also is unlived life. For me, a huge reason I haven't ctb'ed yet is downright curiosity.
 
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Ratbat

Ratbat

Psycho loser
Jul 18, 2019
81
83
It was very anxiety provoking when my date approached and then I came down with a severe sinus infection and didn't want to do it in that state... even though i considered that it might have looked like complications from the infection (though I doubt it - for any coroner with a brain). Anyway, every time I texted someone - I was like "this is my last text from him ever" or any time I had anything to eat (or a freaking cup of water) it was "the last time I'll have water in a glass like this with ice..." I was such a weird nutcase about all this even though I've been extremely suicidal on and off for over 10 years. And now, it's worse than ever. I almost have no choice but to do it now. You can only tread water for so long (in all aspects of life) and 10 years has been me barely holding on.

Anyway, back to the question. Why do I keep focusing on all this? I guess the problem with this question is that most of the people to answer it may already be dead (unless they failed like me)... but I guess there have to be people who set a date and them moved it and moved it again - and kept having "last" moments that were creepy and anxiety provoking. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm re-planning and I am already starting to have these things happen again...and they annoy me. The instinctual answer is "if you were really at peace with your decision, it wouldn't bother you" but I am 100% at peace with it (and desperate for it not to fail again).
Im like that everyday in my head.
 
J

justwannadie

Member
May 20, 2018
88
203
I can relate to this so much. My last moments being anxiety-provoking or feeling "wrong" has held me back in the past and it's so frustrating.
 
Wayfaerer

Wayfaerer

JFMSU
Aug 21, 2019
838
1,336
US
I think about that all the time. I just had my last ever Thanksgiving a couple of weeks ago, for instance. It was the 2nd worst one I've ever had just barely beat by 2018's.
 
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XoXoNae

XoXoNae

Trying to understand
Dec 5, 2019
56
41
Sacramento, CA
Is there a way to view a list of names of our fallen comrades? I feel their courage, seeing their names maybe reading goodbye posts could help with anxiety. How great would it be if we all ended up at the same place to see and hug one another. XoXo Naé
 
Malletboy

Malletboy

Member
Nov 27, 2019
47
125
This is how I’m feeling right now. I’ve been making my way through my list of friends I want to see before I ctb. I spent time with a buddy earlier today and it was so weird to think about this being the last time I’d see him and shoot the shit. And here I am talking about long term goals with him like I’m not planning on ending it all next week. It’s all so strange
 
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XoXoNae

XoXoNae

Trying to understand
Dec 5, 2019
56
41
Sacramento, CA
Well what else are you really suppose to do? I understand totally. What else have you done in your final days?