[Venting] Just needed to vent. I'm on the fucking edge. I can't take it anymore.

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HopelessMortal

HopelessMortal

Hopeless about finding a way out to oblivion...
Dec 17, 2019
43
148
I know its obviously against the rules to ask for help to ctb or encourage someone to do it , im not asking you to encourage me to kill myself. But i want a method available for me so bad... Im pro suicide towards myself but i understand this is a pro choice site and that no one cant /wont tell me how to end my life , instead you support that decision I made and that it's the best for me and that's all you guys can do as this is pro choice ,not pro-suicide . This is just a venting i needed to get off my chest ,as im so desperate already and can't take it anymore...
Im so desperate to ctb and really can't stand it anymore , im on the edge and none of the painless/peaceful methods are available for me as i dont work (but my parenrs will force me sooner or later as well as theyve been forcing me to study and many other things "everyone has to do in life ", I'll be forced to study again in september, if my country, Spain ,isnt confined again by that time and itll be horrible not only because I dont want to study anything, nor be any profession /nor have any job, but also because of my extreme social anxiety (not diagnosed ,i dont want it to be diagnosed anyway, by the way, I intentionally hide it because i dont want to be taken to a psychiatrist ,nor be forced to take meds, neither be forced to attend therapy ,THAT I NEITHER WANT OR NEED. i want to get rid of life, not "get help" ,"get better" ,"improve my life" , sigh ....
I knoe that in order to be "able " to attempt as many times as i want without any risks, any worries about being interrupted and (unfortuntately) 'saved' /end up in a psych ward , and to be "able" to have a peaceful way to go I'd first need to get a job and have own money but i dont want to work , i don't want to be any f*ckinf thing , I donr want to have any job ffs... have no motivation nor interest nor desire for that at all... (and nothing in general) itd be such horrible and hard effort and sacrifice to do... Plus i have extreme social anxiety and im very asocial too ,have no interest for people ,id get fired of the job due to lack of motivation...

In ordrr for me to have own money place (i dont even want to have house ffs... ) Iw would have to suffer a lot with social anxiety , forced to do something I just dont want to at all , a lot of years woukd have to pass by until that "would "happen ( to have own house and finally "be able" to ctb...) Fuck,this hurts so much ;-;
A nyways if i wont be forced to study because of another covid quarantine confinement , they'll for sure force me to take online courses and other crap like that i dont want to at all ... ,
Sorry for this messy and nonsense message, my brain doesn't fucntion well anymore and Im too mentally exhausted and worn out already.. each day Im more depressed and anxious and it's increddibly hard to hide it ,act "active " (im forced to do chores and other stuff,forced to have interests/hobbies etc... sh*t. All this hurts so much... ) and keep up at the same time, as well as 'fullfil' their expectations, assumptions (because im "someone who wants to live" , as that's what i have no choice but make them think , because to want to live life "is the normal thing" ,"if you dont want to live/experience life, if you dont care about life, if you don't have a purpose in life you're mentally ill"... ) and wants from me

I live with my parents so clearly i don't have an option to CTB here and its so risky..., cant ctb outside because of my extrem social anxiety and generalized anxiety (both undiagnosed, I intentionally DONT want them to be diagnosed ,i DONT want to see a psychiatrist, i JUST WANT TO DIE, NOT KEEP FORCED INTO THIS LIFE THAT I JUST DONT HAVE ANY INTEREST NOR DESIRE FOR. also have severe depression(undiagnosed too) that also keeps getting worse each day . And also can't go outside because my parents would immediately notice i left , they'd suspect as I never leave the house alone, if i go outside is because they force me and they complain a lot that i don't go outside by my own, that I dont want to have friends (why should I want to....), that im not 'independant', 'mature' and all that s/ht i dont want to be at all but have to pretend that it's "how i have to be" ,infront of them... So , theyw would definitely suspect because I never leave home alone intentionally ,and out of a sudden thatd definitely be suspicious and they would tell everyone in the neighborhood and my family (wish i didnt have family ,sigh...) that i left and I'm missing , would call the police and they all would be looking for me. My parents would definitely suspect that i left with the intention to commit suicide ,as i already attempted once (last year) and was in a psych ward stay. Also, where would i go to ctb anyway? There arent any buildings nor bridges in my town. There arent any forests nearby neither, I'd have to go to the outsides which is very far frommy parents house ,and then again ,with my extreme social anxiety i doubt i could leave anyway ...

I just dont want to live life ,donr want to have/live any type of life however 'good' is and all that sh*t i just don't give a sh*t about because life in general just simply doesn't interest me,never interested me and never will, I just dontw want experience/ do/live life at all. Dont want to do anything at all, nor be with anyone ,nor be any fucking thing at all (profession and all that crap ) donr want to study anytjjng,nor work, dont want to eat at all nor have any interests /hobbies etcetc , I DON'T WANT ANYTHINF FROM LIFE AT ALK FOR F/CK SAKE ;-;and my parents are forcing me to all this and it's so fucking painful,anguishinng and overwheleming, I just can't take it anymore . Im hiding how severely depressed and anxious i am (because i justdont want to do /live /experience this thinf called life i was forcedly taken into against my will and now I'm forced to want it and do it and it hurts, what if i just dont? Why do i have to participate in life and why do i have to want it /be interested in it just because i was (WITHOUT MY CONSENT ) brought to it? What if this thing i didntw ask to be brought to just doesnt interest me? What ifw i just have no interest ,no desire for life in grneral at all? i dont give a single sh*t about this and it hurts to have to be faking and pretending all the time that i care about it and that i want to be part of it.... to be forced to all this ,its fucking exhausting and Im so tired of it already... just want to get out of here please... ,sorrry for typing like this., I have pretty bad anxiety because i just dont want to be here and just wish I was dead but i cant , and its so painful. They keep complaining about a thing or another , whenever i (have no choice even though i don't want to... And have to act like i want to do it and like i care about it.. ) do something they want me to do /want from me, they act ‘kind’ to me or wahtever you want to call this "positive" thing that it's completrly indifferent to me, and that wont change anything , i still wille never want to have parents no matter how they treat me, nor family nor anyone in general at all. I dont want to be loved nor wanted, and i couldnt care less if they're "disappointed" /"angry" /"asshamed" at /of me . It doesn't affect me at all , i just want to get out of here and be nothing for all eternity. I hate so much that im trapped in this goddamned thing called human body Im forcedly in and that i have to take care of it. it fucking hurts.
,Got beaten before and they kept screaming at me also ,because i couldn't help sayinf I didn't want to eat (I never have any appetite at all and it's so hard to be forced to eat and have to pretend i want to) "HOW COME YOU NEVER WANT TO EAT!!! THATS NOT NORMAL!!! SOMETHING HAS TO BR HAPPENINF TO YOU!!!! WE' LL HAVE TO TAKE YOU TO A PSYCBIATRIST AND A DOCTOR" (wtf are uou saying if i end up eatinf anyways because you two force me and i dont want to be suspicious in any way NOR end up being forced to see a psychiatrist) I just hope they forget about that threat and i wont be taken there against my will ...

Its so incredibly hard to not be suspicious in any way... They asusmee I want to live bc im faking it (ew... wish i never had to wear any mask and that i could expresss my perspective on life (that i simply dont have interest at all for it ,and no interest nor desire for anything from it and never will ) how it actually is and will always be ,and that i could have the right to just die ,instead of being forced to this thing that I just donf want. Its hard to also pretend i care if theyre 'kind' (i couldn't care less about how they treat me, it's indjfferent to me , everything in life is just so indifferemt to me
Life shouldnt be an obligation for fck sake.... i didnt ask to be born... Why have to experience this if i have no desire for it at all....
I dont want them to suspect about anything nor find out abt anything at all because i dont want to be taken to a psychiatrist nor a psych ward (I DONT WANT 'HELP' I DONT WWANT MEDS I DONT WANT THERAPY NKR ANY OTHER S/HT LIKE THAT, WHAT I WANT IS TO GET RID OF LIFE ,JUST THAT!!!!!!, :eh::eh::eh:) so i have to be hiding and faking constantly while at the same time be managing many other things and its extremely painful, exhausting, my mind's on its limit already but have to force myself to make my brain function, and I highly doubt i can take it anymore, I doubt i can make it another week, need a method asap please. It hurts to have to live /exist and be forced into life and foeced to many things even though i just dont want anything at all and it just hurts me, to please them, for the sake of others...

Was considering drowning in a bathtub as i really dont have any other option. But my parents would notice the higher water bill, they never take bath, and i never bath neither(neither want to shower but im forced to...) and if i did out of a sudden they would supect a lot... Theyd ask why i out of a sudden take bath and they also would complain about theamount of water wasted... And anywsys I know the damned SI will kick in pretty quickly anyway no matter how much I'm determined to get the f*ck out of here because it is so powerful especially in this method ,and that really hurts and its so frustrating .... I know overdosing on pills isnt reliable at all and id just have my stomach pumped so... Clearly cant get SN, cant get anything of that delivered here. The credit card is my mom's card ,shed obviously find out i bought that ,with her money, and ask me: "Sodium nitrite? For what? This is poison! You want to kill yourself??!?!? I'LL TAKE YOU TO A PSYCH WARD IMMEDIATELY!!!!" also even if she didn't know at first , once the package comes home theyd make me open it infront of them and really cant make any excuse with such substance like that....
I also have a external cord, and there are ropes in the yard used for the blind in the window and the awning but theyre very thin... Dont want to risk it and end up a vegetable and unable to attempt ever again...
Anyways its impossible to ctb here so...
Thy never leave home without me, im always forced to go out with them. My mother is unemployed (and doesnt plan to work anymore) so she's always home unless she goes out with friends or whatever but when shes not ,my dad will be ., My started workinf in the beginning of this month ,but some days he doesnt and anyways my mom is already too observant and very controlling so, the fact that my dad works doesnt make any difference. Its still impossible to ctb here... . Anyways if they happened to leave without forcing me ( which is very rare) ,my brother sometimes comes at home in the afternoons. So its confirmed that it's impossible to ctb here ,. It hurts so much to have to live /exist and be forced into this
Rn im using an old phone i found somewhere at home ,as mynmom took my phone from me, im not allowed to use it after midnight .. i dont even want these devices at all for anything , just want to use them to find a way to kill myself, if only i had one ... Sorry i know some phrases arent finished ,im too overwhelmed and have brain fog. Cant think straight. ,im too blocked right now and have a chaos in my head. Sorry for this long message ,just needed to vent...
 
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TowerUpright

TowerUpright

Arcanist
May 26, 2019
515
894
We're always here to listen to venting.. :smiling:

I'd give advice (likely unwelcome and unpopular), but I know it's tough to be stuck in a place with little to no chance to successfully CTB. If that's your ultimate decision, then I truly with you please.

I do have to admire you sharing this with everyone. I texted a close friend the other night, the only one with whom I could remotely talk about my issues. I dropped some hints that I had some problems I needed to talk about, and she hasn't / won't text me back. I can't post it publicly here, as I would easily be identified by my family. But since you can share with us, my hat is out to you, sir.
 
HopelessMortal

HopelessMortal

Hopeless about finding a way out to oblivion...
Dec 17, 2019
43
148
We're always here to listen to venting.. :smiling:

I'd give advice (likely unwelcome and unpopular), but I know it's tough to be stuck in a place with little to no chance to successfully CTB. If that's your ultimate decision, then I truly with you please.

I do have to admire you sharing this with everyone. I texted a close friend the other night, the only one with whom I could remotely talk about my issues. I dropped some hints that I had some problems I needed to talk about, and she hasn't / won't text me back. I can't post it publicly here, as I would easily be identified by my family. But since you can share with us, my hat is out to you, sir.
Thank you for your supportive message and for your understanding , TowerUpright. Really appreciate it. its being a bit hard for me to write this due to my anxiety and how exhausted I am,feel so weak and lightheaded and cant think clearly,but i want to thank you for rhe message. i barely have no energy nor strength that i dont even want to have but well.. Have to force all that and maaany other things into myself to not make them complain, to not be suspicous in any way, to not be taken to a psychiatrist... Yes, it is definitely, absolutely my ultimate decision and im pretty convinced that this is what I want and nothing will ever change it. it's the only thing ive always wanted to do, literally the only thing . Dont want anything else in life no matter how it is, and never will. And it hurrs, it hurts so much that i dont have any option for me. The only thing stopping me from going through with it is the fsct that its too risky to ctb here and basically just impossible unless i want to end up in a psych ward, forced to see lots of psychiatrists, unable to attempt again... Being on suicide watch...
I just have one opportunity to ctb, literally just one.. And noiseless methods dont exist... No household methods are reliable...
And its so hard to be successful with it... Just very few people are successful at the very first attempt...majority aren't but they can attempt again if the previous one went wrong... So many things have bto be taken into consideration in order to ctb successfully... And i clearly cant do it here... It hurts like hell....
I live with my parents, and now becsuse it's fucking summer they always leave their bedroom door open... And my room is right next to theirs.... Jeez. Why is it has to be so hard to die...WHY?!?!?! :eh:
Its been too many years pretending life is something I want,forced to this and that, me having no choice but do it even though I just dont want to and it hurts me, and judt wish i was gone.

Im sorry that your so called close friend didnt text you back and ignored you instead, thats cruel. Also, why csnt you post it here? Why you say you would be identified by your family? They know this site exists/ they know you use this site or? If so then im so sorry, that sucks.
dont understand well but im so sorry that you csnt post that and vent here...

Is it risky that im writing this here? Im not using any VPN, nor using tor browser, just incognito mode on Chrome ... i know how risky it is Becsuse the Internet services provider can know im visiting this site... Am i safe or not? If my parents find out about this ill be screwed :mmm: at least my parents dont know about this website and can't understand English, my mom knows the very basics but nnot this level so i guess Im safe... but if they end up knowing and the Internet provider tells them about it then I'll definitely be screwed... , sigh sorry idk wjat im writing, im too weak,too exhausted, too worn out.. , and my head hurts so much... Well, thank you again for youe message, really is appreciated.. Dont worry if you cant help /advice me with methods, it is more than obvious that there is no method I can ctb with, none of all the methods that exist are suitable for me... the circumstances im in make it impossible for me to have a way out in a safe /reliable /peaceful way...(at least i want it to be quick...) So dont worry if you cant give me any advice.. It's understandable. I appreciate that you took your time to post your message for me, at least . Thank you
I'll have to accept that i just cant CTB because its too risky and have no method for me and deal with it and continue suffering and being forced to Do/live /experience life when i just dont want to... Until i cant no more and i fucking collspse, explode and theyll for sure find out and take me to a psychiatrist and /or a psych ward..
Fuck i cant take it anymore... Im sure i will attempt on impulse sometime soon because all this is so unbearable... Its really hard to stop myself from doing it, the urge is so strong... :eh:
 
C

Cioran

Member
Jun 30, 2020
20
27
Hello. I, for one, am opting for the "tourniquet" method since that is my only available option, with my parents being home. There is a lot of information on that method on this site. Do some proper research. I think I will do it at night when my parents are asleep. I would need some strength and determination.
 
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Close_to_freedom

Close_to_freedom

Why the long face? Cause I don’t wanna live here.
May 19, 2020
422
776
Yeah I’m reaching the end. My mental illnesses have gotten worse recently. It’s all fucked. I should’ve done it 10 yrs ago. False hope carried me through the years.
 
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TowerUpright

TowerUpright

Arcanist
May 26, 2019
515
894
Thank you for your supportive message and for your understanding , TowerUpright. Really appreciate it. its being a bit hard for me to write this due to my anxiety and how exhausted I am,feel so weak and lightheaded and cant think clearly,but i want to thank you for rhe message. i barely have no energy nor strength that i dont even want to have but well.. Have to force all that and maaany other things into myself to not make them complain, to not be suspicous in any way, to not be taken to a psychiatrist... Yes, it is definitely, absolutely my ultimate decision and im pretty convinced that this is what I want and nothing will ever change it. it's the only thing ive always wanted to do, literally the only thing . Dont want anything else in life no matter how it is, and never will. And it hurrs, it hurts so much that i dont have any option for me. The only thing stopping me from going through with it is the fsct that its too risky to ctb here and basically just impossible unless i want to end up in a psych ward, forced to see lots of psychiatrists, unable to attempt again... Being on suicide watch...
I just have one opportunity to ctb, literally just one.. And noiseless methods dont exist... No household methods are reliable...
And its so hard to be successful with it... Just very few people are successful at the very first attempt...majority aren't but they can attempt again if the previous one went wrong... So many things have bto be taken into consideration in order to ctb successfully... And i clearly cant do it here... It hurts like hell....
I live with my parents, and now becsuse it's fucking summer they always leave their bedroom door open... And my room is right next to theirs.... Jeez. Why is it has to be so hard to die...WHY?!?!?! :eh:
Its been too many years pretending life is something I want,forced to this and that, me having no choice but do it even though I just dont want to and it hurts me, and judt wish i was gone.

Im sorry that your so called close friend didnt text you back and ignored you instead, thats cruel. Also, why csnt you post it here? Why you say you would be identified by your family? They know this site exists/ they know you use this site or? If so then im so sorry, that sucks.
dont understand well but im so sorry that you csnt post that and vent here...

Is it risky that im writing this here? Im not using any VPN, nor using tor browser, just incognito mode on Chrome ... i know how risky it is Becsuse the Internet services provider can know im visiting this site... Am i safe or not? If my parents find out about this ill be screwed :mmm: at least my parents dont know about this website and can't understand English, my mom knows the very basics but nnot this level so i guess Im safe... but if they end up knowing and the Internet provider tells them about it then I'll definitely be screwed... , sigh sorry idk wjat im writing, im too weak,too exhausted, too worn out.. , and my head hurts so much... Well, thank you again for youe message, really is appreciated.. Dont worry if you cant help /advice me with methods, it is more than obvious that there is no method I can ctb with, none of all the methods that exist are suitable for me... the circumstances im in make it impossible for me to have a way out in a safe /reliable /peaceful way...(at least i want it to be quick...) So dont worry if you cant give me any advice.. It's understandable. I appreciate that you took your time to post your message for me, at least . Thank you
I'll have to accept that i just cant CTB because its too risky and have no method for me and deal with it and continue suffering and being forced to Do/live /experience life when i just dont want to... Until i cant no more and i fucking collspse, explode and theyll for sure find out and take me to a psychiatrist and /or a psych ward..
Fuck i cant take it anymore... Im sure i will attempt on impulse sometime soon because all this is so unbearable... Its really hard to stop myself from doing it, the urge is so strong... :eh:
I can't share it here, because the main trigger right now for me is very specific and if SS is found on my phone, a simple review of a real venting post from me would easily identify me. While the family issues may be universal, the exact problem that causes me distress is very personal.

I'm hoping my friend well text later this week. She has her family, and they have to come first. I absolutely support it 100%. But there's a part of me which thinks she just can't handle other peoples problems. And, while I love her like family, she has to take care of herself. And I'm sure COVID isn't helping.

I think you're mostly safe. I use TOR which should help my anonymity. I don't know if anyone has written a guide about it for SS, but it would be helpful to some.

Take care, and I hope you feel better.
 
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HopelessMortal

HopelessMortal

Hopeless about finding a way out to oblivion...
Dec 17, 2019
43
148
Hello. I, for one, am opting for the "tourniquet" method since that is my only available option, with my parents being home. There is a lot of information on that method on this site. Do some proper research. I think I will do it at night when my parents are asleep. I would need some strength and determination.
Hello Cioran. Its comforting to know im not the only one in such complex situation to ctb because of parents being at home too... I wish suicide was simple...I cant fucking take it anymore and im reaching my limit , its so hard to not attempt impulsively, each day im more and more desperate. I think ill lose my mind sooner or later because im too fucking exhausted and overwhelmed by all this shit and i barely can keep up , Im so desperate to get the fuck out of here...
i wish people understood that life shouldn't be a fickign obligsted to do thing.
I will never understand why is wanting to die "irrational", what the actual fuck. This is somethjng my brain just cannot comprehend, how the fck is it irrational? Also , if it's """irrational""" i couldnt give less of a damn , i will always want to die anyway. Not because this fucking pro life socirty bullshit says its a "mental illness" and "irrational" to want to die, it means ill stop wishing I was dead. I didn't fucking asked to be brought here ,we all should have the right to end our existence whenever we want... but well , why am i even saying this? Its obvious that the disgusting pro life mindset majority of ppl have will never disappear..
I never asked to be brought here , I never asked to live/do /experience life, I never asked to have a life , sigh it hurts horribly , it hurts to be forced into life and forced to do this and that, to take care of this fucking thing im foecedly in called human body ...
im so tired... Sorry if all this is so messy ,also i know its unnecessarily long as a response to what you said , im just so fucking depressed because i just don't want to live and never will but cant get the f*ck out of here and it feels absolutely horrible , but well,have to be hiding everything all the time every single day if i DONT want to unfortuntately be sent to a psychiatrist /psych ward... It fucking hurts. each day is harder to cope with all this . I just cant take it anymore...
literally just want to die because life just doesnt interest me and never will , i dont want to do anything in life ,nothing from life interests me nor excites and never will. I'm tired of being forced into this ... It hurts... it's so incredibly hard to hide everything every day ,and pretend/fake and at the same time manage many things... ,but its what i have to do because i dont want them to take me to a psychiatrist nor a psych ward so... not having a way out to nothingness is absolutely demolishing ,painful and depressing... Rrally have no energy at all to (dontw even want to have it but well .. ) type ,nor think at all ,im too worn out ,...sorry idk what im saying ,just want to fucking go already ...

Also , “Tourniquet” method? Isnt that the night-night method or? Is it similar? It seems complex to do if you want to be successful... I read once about it but dont remember anything anymore actually... What will you use?

I realky dont think i can do this method actually, cant do any method basically.... I dont have the proper materials to do it... but well, will do more research anyway... Because its summer,my parents leave their door open at nights... And their room is right next to mine, literally. My mom gets up several times to go to the bathroom or downstairs...my dad sometimes too. I dont know exactly when shes actually sleeping . Im sure there at times whre theyre awake through the night. They can hear me pretty easily ... I really have it hard (impossible) to ctb here , and i cant take it anymore :eh::eh::eh: it keeps getting harder and worse to keep up , i cant be suspicios in any way at all, and have to be managing manh things , have to hide everything much more also bc they have lots of devices (thermometers, pulse oximeters, sphygmomanometers ,blood pressure monitors etc...) Bc of the fucking covid and if i dont hide one of all tbe things i force myself to hide bc i dont want to be taken to a psychiatrjst ( lets say ,headache, tiredness/exhaustion , im just mentioning two of aaaaalll the things.. the bare minimun thing i dont hide theyll definitely ask ,suspect and not only send me to a psychistrist against my will but also control me even more with all that crap ,and will suspsect even more . sigh sorry for this idk what im writing , i dont even have eneegy (dont want to have it at all for anything ,ew , but unfortunately im alive, unfortuntately i exist and this as well as many other "positive" crap is "what i have to do " .... I'll have to keep forcing this shit as well as many other things to be able to keep up ,please them, to not make them complain /suspect etc and obviously to not be sent to a psychiatrist /psych ward ...

Anyway, thank you for your suggestion. Its appreciated. I highly doubt i can use that method or any other method in general but thank you anyway .I hope you find the peace you seek and that your exit is peaceful and goes as planned . Wishing you all the best
 
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C

Cioran

Member
Jun 30, 2020
20
27
Hello Cioran. Its comforting to know im not the only one in such complex situation to ctb because of parents being at home too... I wish suicide was simple...I cant fucking take it anymore and im reaching my limit , its so hard to not attempt impulsively, each day im more and more desperate. I think ill lose my mind sooner or later because im too fucking exhausted and overwhelmed by all this shit and i barely can keep up , Im so desperate to get the fuck out of here...
i wish people understood that life shouldn't be a fickign obligsted to do thing.
I will never understand why is wanting to die "irrational", what the actual fuck. This is somethjng my brain just cannot comprehend, how the fck is it irrational? Also , if it's """irrational""" i couldnt give less of a damn , i will always want to die anyway. Not because this fucking pro life socirty bullshit says its a "mental illness" and "irrational" to want to die, it means ill stop wishing I was dead. I didn't fucking asked to be brought here ,we all should have the right to end our existence whenever we want... but well , why am i even saying this? Its obvious that the disgusting pro life mindset majority of ppl have will never disappear..
I never asked to be brought here , I never asked to live/do /experience life, I never asked to have a life , sigh it hurts horribly , it hurts to be forced into life and forced to do this and that, to take care of this fucking thing im foecedly in called human body ...
im so tired... Sorry if all this is so messy ,also i know its unnecessarily long as a response to what you said , im just so fucking depressed because i just don't want to live and never will but cant get the f*ck out of here and it feels absolutely horrible , but well,have to be hiding everything all the time every single day if i DONT want to unfortuntately be sent to a psychiatrist /psych ward... It fucking hurts. each day is harder to cope with all this . I just cant take it anymore...
literally just want to die because life just doesnt interest me and never will , i dont want to do anything in life ,nothing from life interests me nor excites and never will. I'm tired of being forced into this ... It hurts... it's so incredibly hard to hide everything every day ,and pretend/fake and at the same time manage many things... ,but its what i have to do because i dont want them to take me to a psychiatrist nor a psych ward so... not having a way out to nothingness is absolutely demolishing ,painful and depressing... Rrally have no energy at all to (dontw even want to have it but well .. ) type ,nor think at all ,im too worn out ,...sorry idk what im saying ,just want to fucking go already ...

Also , “Tourniquet” method? Isnt that the night-night method or? Is it similar? It seems complex to do if you want to be successful... I read once about it but dont remember anything anymore actually... What will you use?

I realky dont think i can do this method actually, cant do any method basically.... I dont have the proper materials to do it... but well, will do more research anyway... Because its summer,my parents leave their door open at nights... And their room is right next to mine, literally. My mom gets up several times to go to the bathroom or downstairs...my dad sometimes too. I dont know exactly when shes actually sleeping . Im sure there at times whre theyre awake through the night. They can hear me pretty easily ... I really have it hard (impossible) to ctb here , and i cant take it anymore :eh::eh::eh: it keeps getting harder and worse to keep up , i cant be suspicios in any way at all, and have to be managing manh things , have to hide everything much more also bc they have lots of devices (thermometers, pulse oximeters, sphygmomanometers ,blood pressure monitors etc...) Bc of the fucking covid and if i dont hide one of all tbe things i force myself to hide bc i dont want to be taken to a psychiatrjst ( lets say ,headache, tiredness/exhaustion , im just mentioning two of aaaaalll the things.. the bare minimun thing i dont hide theyll definitely ask ,suspect and not only send me to a psychistrist against my will but also control me even more with all that crap ,and will suspsect even more . sigh sorry for this idk what im writing , i dont even have eneegy (dont want to have it at all for anything ,ew , but unfortunately im alive, unfortuntately i exist and this as well as many other "positive" crap is "what i have to do " .... I'll have to keep forcing this shit as well as many other things to be able to keep up ,please them, to not make them complain /suspect etc and obviously to not be sent to a psychiatrist /psych ward ...

Anyway, thank you for your suggestion. Its appreciated. I highly doubt i can use that method or any other method in general but thank you anyway .I hope you find the peace you seek and that your exit is peaceful and goes as planned . Wishing you all the best
Hello, again. Yes, the "tourniquet" is pretty much the "night-night" except that you don't need a ratchet or tape. Virtually anything you can tie around your neck to compress the carotid arteries will work. I'm still trying, unfortunately, since something has gone wrong. You've got to be prepared for unforseen problems. Please, make your own thorough research. If you don't care about anything else in life, at least make sure that you "go out" in a way that you have planned. I get that you feel like going crazy. It is the same for me.
 
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