It is not suicide ideation

P

peacechoice

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Joined
Oct 11, 2020
Messages
190
So I guess I just want to vent and tell everyone a little something about my life and what brought me here.

I try to lead a pretty normal life, not letting on about my terrible anxiety and manic depression. So far I’ve been able to control myself and keep everyone happy because my family is the most important thing to me and I have to let them know we are okay. They have to have peace so we can go on. I don’t want them to know how much I’m struggling. I’m struggling so hard.

So I don’t have kids, but I’m having to raise my siblings. It’s no easy chore, I’m still in school. I had a terrible upbringing, I wouldn’t say terrible but I guess that’s up to you to decide. It was crappy, but I think I was ignorant enough to be happy.


My parents fought a lot and my dad would berate her constantly. He would constantly accuse my mom of cheating or being a whore for just saying hi to a man she didn’t know (like at church wtf). Constant fighting most everyday. He did hit her sometimes, it was not easy for me. I hate this man. He was horrible to my mom I mean horrible. I won’t say all the things he did to her, but it was terrible. Controlling so controlling. I wished my death since I was young. I was made fun of for being fat, ugly, and stupid all the time. My life is terrible and nothing can take away the sadness that I will always have.

I adored my mom. Simply, she always gave me the strength to persist and now that she’s gone I feel like I am not able to float properly. I don’t have anyone anymore. It feels terrible that no one cares. I thought that I would grow old with my mom just her and I. I feel cheated. So cheated and I hate it . I have nothing. I don’t even want kids, I feel like I would be a terrible mother because it’s too much time and effort for me to have to raise a kid yet again. Don’t get me wrong, I treat my sibling really nice and try to be there ALL THE TIME. I hate myself though. No amount of therapy will fix me. I am broken beyond repair.

She’s been gone for about two years and I’m having to help raise her kids. It makes me so angry that she left me this responsibility and now I have no other choice than to be strong. It pisses me off that I have to have this responsibility that I didn’t ask for. This is the reason that I’m not able to be in a relationship and have kids of my own. I love my siblings and feel like they are my own kids, but I hate the responsibility I have to have to persist and stay here. I absolutely hate it. I hate that someone needs me. If I were alone, I would have just yeeted myself out of existence already. I would have only myself and l wouldn’t really care about my dad. This is why I am not having kids. I refuse to bring more suffering into this world. Absolutely terrible idea for me to even think about it.

Recently I’ve found out that I have a chronic illness and it causes me a lot of pain.

I am tired of the healthcare system and how I can’t even afford to get better because I am poor and have no help. I hate everything, for anyone that says that life gets better it is not true. I am only 22 and I already hate everything and life has not gotten better despite all my efforts. I am trying god knows I am. I pray and pray in hopes that I have a chance, but I don’t know life seems terribly grim. The stupid doctors that think they know what’s wrong with me are not helpful they are only Interested in getting their money to pay their massive loans. They look at you with contempt and just tell you it’s in your head when clearly I am in fucking pain. This amount of pain would be too terrible for the normal person to endure.

I am tired of this life. I was never even given an opportunity to start. I’ve been dealt horrible cards in life that I am still gambling on, but I don’t know anymore.

For anyone who says there is hope and suicide is not an option, they have never dealt with the situations I have dealt with or other people with more terrible circumstances. Maybe I am just whining and I am so sorry but I had to share this because I don’t like to complain.
Don’t come at me with false hope when you don’t even know my situation at all. Sometimes some of us are irreparable and no amount of medicine, money, or people will relieve our suffering. I hate when people tell me that we should all want to live. What you want me to be poor, in massive pain, and still expect me to put a happy face on? Seriously. I feel like most of the people saying this have a strong support system and can get themselves out because they have the means to, but I don’t. I hate life, I hate capitalism, and I hate anyone who thinks that suicide prevention is even an option for people that are already to far out and in pain. I hate the hypocrisy in everyone’s morals saying you’re pro choice and then telling me that I shouldn’t feel like dying because life is so beautiful. Fuck off. I hate the total hypocrisy in this world. Telling me that if I work hard enough that I’ll get there, but not even having access to the care I need to get better. Fuck you. Fuck you system. I’m systematically being put in the system and not being able to get out because AMERICA SUCKS BALLS.
I’m supposed to pull myself out with my own bootstraps, but I can’t because apparently I don’t work hard enough? Like seriously I was born poor, terrible health, and now the world tells me I didn’t even have a chance. God I am trying, I’m sorry that I complain, but I’m done for today. Someone tell me how they persist like this having to highly function but just wanting to die? Thank you for listening. This was Npr news.
 
PinkMidnight

PinkMidnight

Hope ur final midnight feels like the hug you need
Joined
Nov 8, 2020
Messages
163
Babyyyyy I'm so sorry. Just want to show my support. I'll message you ok? Cuz I have alot to say. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
 
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