Is it okay going this soon?

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NoPlaceForme

NoPlaceForme

We wanted peace
Jun 13, 2020
69
265
Hello all. I've been suicidal for years. Though this year I've thought deeply and rationally about my decision to take my own life this year. I am absolutely done with life, and the mental ruin that I've had to succumb to. I wanted to stick around and wait until at least august maybe to save some time with the people around me but after a complication with my medication that keeps my hormones stable, and now breaking things and getting hurt because of my OCD which was bad before, but not to this extent. Though, it had already debilitated me.

I don't know how much longer I can sit here with these complications as I can barely function with them. I want to go sooner now. I will be seeing my best friend before I go. I just don't want to feel guilty for making the decision to end my life even sooner but I don't think I can deal with it anymore. This just pushes me over the edge. I want to do it now, and that's something I've been saying every day for a while. I'd do it tonight were it not for needing to stay at a hotel.
 
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randomz

randomz

Master
Nov 4, 2019
404
700
I am sorry life brought you to this point. I feel your pain. It's hard for me to stay here too. Have you tried everything to feel better thoough. I see you are on meds but have you tried CBT or something similar? I hope things turn out great for you.
 
NoPlaceForme

NoPlaceForme

We wanted peace
Jun 13, 2020
69
265
I am sorry life brought you to this point. I feel your pain. It's hard for me to stay here too. Have you tried everything to feel better thoough. I see you are on meds but have you tried CBT or something similar? I hope things turn out great for you.
I used to be on antidepressants and have been in therapy for a while. I attempted to ctb when I was 16 but stopped because I felt like I was going to fail and was scared of injury. After that I was pretty much forced to find a way to stay here. I was trying windex then. I can't say I've tried absolutely everything but I've been through help many times and my condition has only worsened. Thank you for the kind words and to you as well.
 
randomz

randomz

Master
Nov 4, 2019
404
700
I used to be on antidepressants and have been in therapy for a while. I attempted to ctb when I was 16 but stopped because I felt like I was going to fail and was scared of injury. After that I was pretty much forced to find a way to stay here. I was trying windex then. I can't say I've tried absolutely everything but I've been through help many times and my condition has only worsened. Thank you for the kind words and to you as well.
Maybe your reason to CTB lies in some life situation you can try changing? Maybe it will help you to change something in your surroundings that is causing your problems?
 
profoundexperience

profoundexperience

You can feel the punishment but you cant commit ts
Jun 29, 2020
54
117
Nevada, USA
I just don't want to feel guilty for making the decision to end my life even sooner
It's okay. It's very good to try to recover (please do try). And, it's okay to decide when/that you can't. It's 100% okay to do these things in your time and at a pace that you decide. This is one of the most important decisions and whatever you decide is right for you is absolutely, 100% okay.

Feelings of guilt
often come from thoughts that you did or didn't do something right... that you may make/made a mistake.

Is this where your guilt is coming from? How and why so?
 
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O

On Edge

Member
Mar 15, 2020
25
14
Hello all. I've been suicidal for years. Though this year I've thought deeply and rationally about my decision to take my own life this year. I am absolutely done with life, and the mental ruin that I've had to succumb to. I wanted to stick around and wait until at least august maybe to save some time with the people around me but after a complication with my medication that keeps my hormones stable, and now breaking things and getting hurt because of my OCD which was bad before, but not to this extent. Though, it had already debilitated me.

I don't know how much longer I can sit here with these complications as I can barely function with them. I want to go sooner now. I will be seeing my best friend before I go. I just don't want to feel guilty for making the decision to end my life even sooner but I don't think I can deal with it anymore. This just pushes me over the edge. I want to do it now, and that's something I've been saying every day for a while. I'd do it tonight were it not for needing to stay at a hotel.
Just make sure you have a good method.
 
NoPlaceForme

NoPlaceForme

We wanted peace
Jun 13, 2020
69
265
It's okay. It's very good to try to recover (please do try). And, it's okay to decide when/that you can't. It's 100% okay to do these things in your time and at a pace that you decide. This is one of the most important decisions and whatever you decide is right for you is absolutely, 100% okay.

Feelings of guilt
often come from thoughts that you did or didn't do something right... that you may make/made a mistake.

Is this where your guilt is coming from? How and why so?
I appreciate your response. I have tried before, and although there might be a chance of recovery in some areas the place I've fallen is too far to come back from. As a whole my mind is fried beyond being able to even grow as a person.

In a way that is where my guilt comes from. I'm ready to go but I always have a feeling of did I leave enough time with my family and friend before I went? In a way to where I can assure they'll feel the least pain. But I have almost come to terms with the fact that whether I did it now or later, what happens after is out of my control.
Maybe your reason to CTB lies in some life situation you can try changing? Maybe it will help you to change something in your surroundings that is causing your problems?
Partially, but for the most part it's my mental illness and life itself combining. Even if I could change my surroundings significantly, any slight change triggers my OCD and sends me on my ways to thinking about when to kill myself. At the point I am at if something good were to happen I am also just sick of being inside of my body. It's all come together to bring me here again.
 
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GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

I almost always edit my posts.
Jan 11, 2020
4,280
8,847
I'm not encouraging you to suicide, but to provide a resource for rationally considering your choice. There's a lot of good stuff on this thread.


Also, guilt, in my understanding, is not a feeling but a message that causes negative feelings. Guilt usually says things like, "You're doin something for yourself and that's [self-negating/invalidating adjectives and averbs]." Guilt is also often tied in with shame messages, such as, "You're not good enough" and "Who do you think you are?" It seems to me that you've done all you can and your conscience is clear.
 
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NoPlaceForme

NoPlaceForme

We wanted peace
Jun 13, 2020
69
265
I'm not encouraging you to suicide, but to provide a resource for rationally considering your choice. There's a lot of good stuff on this thread.


Also, guilt, in my understanding, is not a feeling but a message that causes negative feelings. Guilt usually says things like, "You're doin something for yourself and that's [self-negating/invalidating adjectives and averbs]." Guilt is also often tied in with shame messages, such as, "You're not good enough" and "Who do you think you are?" It seems to me that you've done all you can and your conscience is clear.
Honestly. This is pretty much what I have done. Considered all of what can happen. I just over explain and often feel the need to please something that isn't there, which can be said as to why I made this post. Truly, I've accepted all realities and possibilities. For both my life and life itself. I just needed one last bit of clearing my head. I've liked the quotes I've seen so far and they are pretty similar to ones I've seen before. I know in my heart what my answer is.
 
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GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

I almost always edit my posts.
Jan 11, 2020
4,280
8,847
Honestly. This is pretty much what I have done. Considered all of what can happen. I just over explain and often feel the need to please something that isn't there, which can be said as to why I made this post. Truly, I've accepted all realities and possibilities. For both my life and life itself. I just needed one last bit of clearing my head...I know in my heart what my answer is.
I thought as much.

Wishing you the best possible for your well-being and self-determination, no matter what that ultimately is.
 
profoundexperience

profoundexperience

You can feel the punishment but you cant commit ts
Jun 29, 2020
54
117
Nevada, USA
I'm ready to go but I always have a feeling of did I leave enough time with my family and friend before I went? In a way to where I can assure they'll feel the least pain.
A fear shared by most of us. With respect to family & friends, I don't think there ever can be a perfect time to ctb.
But I have almost come to terms with the fact that whether I did it now or later, what happens after is out of my control.
Yes, exactly. Imho, that's a very wise realization you've made.

It seems silly, but please allow me to quote myself (from something I said in another thread)...
There are things we can control and things we can't control, right? We can't control other people (believe me, I've tried :wink:). Other people are entitled to their emotions... and at some point we probably need to allow them to have them. Unfortunately, we're all born into a tenacious web of mutual dependency: You may want to go, but they want you to stay.... Who should be the "decider" in that?
Wishing you much ease & wellness, @NoPlaceForme!
 
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