Help Is it me or them? (Sorry, confusing wall of text - tl;dr at bottom)

  • Thread starter nohopeforethefuture
  • Start date
nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

I deserve to die
Joined
Nov 30, 2020
Messages
66
Reaction score
107
Someone does something that hurts me. People say you’re supposed to talk about these things to grow. To communicate. There’s also the saying that if you run into assholes all day, you’re the asshole. I get hurt emotionally a lot. Like, on a weekly basis (I only see my close friend twice a week). At this point I feel like I’m the crazy one and he’s not in the wrong at all.

I know our emotions aren’t always right. So just because I get hurt by his unintentional actions doesnt mean I should be. Or that I should try to seek reparation of any kind. But if I do try to patch things up, its very one sided because I’m the only one upset. I feel like my friend should care more about how I feel. Its very hard for him to talk about and pinpoint emotions, so logically I understand he probably just really doesnt get it, but emotionally of course this solves nothing. It seems like he is not interested at all in trying to lessen fights (aka me getting upset at him). But if I say that to him, he just reiterates that he did/didnt do whatever I accused him of not/doing. That he was listening and being there for me. Implying I’m just making a big deal out of nothing because he’s trying.

Unfortunately this is my only close friend, and my only friend who knows about my SI. He’s promised to come to my first therapy appointment (if it ever happens), he’s held me and hugged me and told me he doesnt want me to go. He’s tried very hard to not make me upset. He tries to cheer me up when he can. But he still hurts me sometimes. And when he does he doesnt back down and it makes me so angry and hurt. He wont say if he’s tired of my outbursts and he wont say if he’s upset with me and he wont say if I hurt him and he wont apologize unless I make him for anything that hurts me. He gets over everything in a day. I never get over anything without some form of acknowledgement and ive told him this but it doesnt matter I guess. I dont know whats going on in his head.

I get upset so often, I cut him off and then come back. I cry and get angry and yell and delete conversations and stop doing the things we do together. I make plans to kill myself. And then I get sad and lonely and so I go back. Sometimes I think I just have Stockholm syndrome and he’s just a sociopath who just says he cares but isn’t emotionally invested in me at all. And sometimes I know he really does care, he’s done so much to try and improve and change things, he’s just not built a certain way emotionally so my expectations of him being reasonable are unreasonable. But other times I think that maybe it doesnt matter how much he tries because I am just infinitely offended by everything. He doesnt complain about anything but I know its just because he gets over it and not because I dont say or do hurtful things.

We are having another “fight” over something he did (or didnt do). He just defended his position. I’m mad. I’m hurt. I’m crying and at this point what do I even do. This is the billionth time. I would rather just die to stop the turmoil. I bought the first of 4 ingredients for SN today. He says he cares but I can’t feel it at all and he doesnt seem to care about that either although he says he does. I want the fortitude to just cut him off so he doesnt have to deal with me anymore. I dont know if he’s even capable of being who I need him to be. I’m probably just too overwhelming for him and he doesnt want to admit it so he keeps saying he can help me but he can’t. He would deny that though.

Sorry this was so long. Tl;dr I fight with only friend on a weekly basis and I can’t tell if its them or me and either way I still feel like shit. Help.
 
Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

Please, call me Willow.
Joined
Jul 1, 2020
Messages
2,689
Reaction score
5,618
This sounds like the problem I have with my loved ones. I'm coming to the conclusion that its probably me. I find that because of my disorders that I can interpret things differently then what's intended sometimes. I'm interested in how the conversation between the 2 of you goes when you try to talk about it. If you don't mind me asking.
 
Upvote 0
fixitinpost

fixitinpost

Member
Joined
Oct 20, 2020
Messages
76
Reaction score
258
Most things in life aren't binary. Especially not relationships. So the answer is probably "both".

It could indeed be that where you are right now makes you highly sensitive. But regardless, I think it's important to accept that you're feeling hurt instead of questioning whether you should be feeling that way. What you can do is look at how you respond to these feelings. E.g. "does cutting him off and erasing conversations seem like an appropriate response to what he did?". That's where you have the most control over your role in this.

I can only speculate about your friend. It does seem like he maybe doesn't have the emotional depth or ability to empathize that you are looking for. He may not be aware of it or, as you say, not want to admit it. Maybe there's a callous side to him. However, a sociopath wouldn't do what your friend has been doing unless they needed to use you for a specific purpose.

In the end, the relationship definitely doesn't sound healthy. You guys will need to establish a line of communication where you can resolve your issues instead of having frequent fights. On your part that begins by speaking in terms of your own emotional perspective rather than taking an accusatory stance, i.e. "when you do this, it makes me feel like this". Joint therapy could be an option if you guys can't seem to get there on your own. And if it's just not happening and you continue feeling shit, it's better to just end it for your own sake. Even if it means saying goodbye to the one close friend you have right now. It's better than staying in a toxic relationship.

Have you talked to a psychologist / health professional about this? I'd rather you do that before paying any attention to my words :).

Sending you some virtual hugs and hope that everything works out for the best for you.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

I deserve to die
Joined
Nov 30, 2020
Messages
66
Reaction score
107
This sounds like the problem I have with my loved ones. I'm coming to the conclusion that its probably me. I find that because of my disorders that I can interpret things differently then what's intended sometimes. I'm interested in how the conversation between the 2 of you goes when you try to talk about it. If you don't mind me asking.
I dont even have any disorders to blame it on since I’m not diagnosed with anything...but part of me thinks that if I did it would only make things worse.

Well in the past he’s told me he wants me to tell him straight when I’m upset because he can’t always tell. I think its obvious...but fine. I will tell him how I feel (usually over text because we only see each other one day during the week where we can even talk about things between us) and I will say how what he did makes me feel. I’ve tried to avoid the accusatory language but it slips thorough sometimes (like “it just seems like you dont even care” and the like). Recently I’ve been trying to show that I understand that he cares, it just hurts when he does X.

This time it was just him not paying attention to me while I was telling him something important. He was listening, but halfway through he started picking up my cat toy and playing with it. I asked him to put it away and to stop and he didnt and I got mad and wouldn’t finish talking to him because he wasnt paying attention even tho he was “listening”.

I told him it hurt when he distracts himself and doesnt listen, even if he recites back mostly correctly what i’d been saying (but he missed some parts). His response was just to reiterate that he was listening and recited everything back to me again. Its like he chooses to misunderstand what I’m saying. Maybe I’m crazy for getting upset but I’m pissed and I’m hurt because he wont apologize and he wont admit he was wrong and he wont promise not to do it again - thats just how he is. So I spend my nights angry and sad and it pisses me off more knowing that he doesnt even feel anything about it. He’s not mad or upset, he just is. Supposedly “caring” but doesnt care that I’m upset. He just thinks there’s nothing he can do about it because he doesnt think he’s wrong.
Most things in life aren't binary. Especially not relationships. So the answer is probably "both".

It could indeed be that where you are right now makes you highly sensitive. But regardless, I think it's important to accept that you're feeling hurt instead of questioning whether you should be feeling that way. What you can do is look at how you respond to these feelings. E.g. "does cutting him off and erasing conversations seem like an appropriate response to what he did?". That's where you have the most control over your role in this.

I can only speculate about your friend. It does seem like he maybe doesn't have the emotional depth or ability to empathize that you are looking for. He may not be aware of it or, as you say, not want to admit it. Maybe there's a callous side to him. However, a sociopath wouldn't do what your friend has been doing unless they needed to use you for a specific purpose.

In the end, the relationship definitely doesn't sound healthy. You guys will need to establish a line of communication where you can resolve your issues instead of having frequent fights. On your part that begins by speaking in terms of your own emotional perspective rather than taking an accusatory stance, i.e. "when you do this, it makes me feel like this". Joint therapy could be an option if you guys can't seem to get there on your own. And if it's just not happening and you continue feeling shit, it's better to just end it for your own sake. Even if it means saying goodbye to the one close friend you have right now. It's better than staying in a toxic relationship.

Have you talked to a psychologist / health professional about this? I'd rather you do that before paying any attention to my words :).

Sending you some virtual hugs and hope that everything works out for the best for you.
When I cut him off and delete convos, thats me trying to stop being friends. To just rip the bandaid off to keep myself from being hurt again. But it never sticks. I always end up feeling more alone than I feel angry and want him back in my life. Every time I try as hard as I can to make it stick though. To prove that I can and it wont matter.

He’s probably not a sociopath. I know I said that but he’s just so emotionally blank sometimes it just feels that way. Like when I’m upset and he doesn’t seem to care that I’m upset. Of course he doesnt want to upset me, but once he does its like game over. Because he’s not the type of person to apologize to anyone, esp if he doesnt think he did anything wrong.

I have tried. I have told him I want to work with him and that I’m not trying to just change him to fit me. I’ve told him to tell me when I cross lines or hurt him but he says I never do. He 100% of the time ignores the subject, and if I bring that up he’ll say he just doesnt have any ideas. I dont know if he knowingly shuts down conversations or not, but part of me thinks he does. But I guess I dont know. If I brough that up nothing would get addressed either though. I feel like I’m the only one that cares about anything but then he’ll say he cares. I dont get it. At all.

I have not tried a real psychologist or therapy. I would love to do some sort of “friend therapy” but he would not be down for it I imagine. He promised to come with me to my first therapy appointment because it honestly scares me and I’ve had bad experiences in the past. I’m supposedly on a waiting list...but its been awhile... and he would still come with me if I asked but idk if I even want to ask him...I just want things to be different. Thank you for the virtual hugs... honestly every time we fight I get worse. I would love to blame my suicide on him but I know I can’t. In the end its still my decision, and just because I can’t handle life doesnt mean its their fault... and you know telling them that is nothing short of emotional manipulation. I guess.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
GottaGo

GottaGo

Member
Joined
Jan 27, 2020
Messages
26
Reaction score
67
I will be direct, it is probably mostly you. For a normal person, it is very hard to deal with depressed people. We are so negative all the time and our mood swing is crazy. No matter how much he loves you, he is just human and can only handle certain amount of stress. I drove my last girfriend away because of my depression. It is really not fair to our SO if we emotionally depend on them completely.
My solution to this type of problem now is to split my negative emotion into pieces and tell different people about it. Or do a rotation. So they can have the time and energy to digest the smaller amount of negativity and give me enough support.
 
Upvote 0
nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

I deserve to die
Joined
Nov 30, 2020
Messages
66
Reaction score
107
I will be direct, it is probably mostly you. For a normal person, it is very hard to deal with depressed people. We are so negative all the time and our mood swing is crazy. No matter how much he loves you, he is just human and can only handle certain amount of stress. I drove my last girfriend away because of my depression. It is really not fair to our SO if we emotionally depend on them completely.
My solution to this type of problem now is to split my negative emotion into pieces and tell different people about it. Or do a rotation. So they can have the time and energy to digest the smaller amount of negativity and give me enough support.
Direct is fine. I feel like its mostly me anyways, despite also feeling like its mostly them. I guess thats one thing - we aren’t dating. He’s made it very clear that he doesnt like me like that and I am okay with that. But he is the only person who knows about the serious stuff and the only person I trust with it. While I have other ppl in my life, I wouldn’t really go to them for any kind of comfort. Except maybe a coworker for work related problems. But everything else is just my close friend.

And I’ve thought about that, how I’m being toxic to him and being too much, but he will deny it and say its fine. He also knows I have no one else to go to though so I secretly think he just wont be honest with me about his boundaries. Of course I would hate the boundaries, but I would rather this be a mutual friendship than what it feels like... him satisfying me all the time. I feel like a child. He’s great when there are other things bothering me, but when the problem is him we can’t ever talk it through. The only time I seem to be able to get his full attention is when I’m suicidal...so ive mostly stopped telling him. In the event I do die I wouldn’t want him to feel like he could’ve done something about it... (but I also feel like he could so I guess there’s that. Even more incentive to go I guess.)
 
Upvote 0
GottaGo

GottaGo

Member
Joined
Jan 27, 2020
Messages
26
Reaction score
67
Direct is fine. I feel like its mostly me anyways, despite also feeling like its mostly them. I guess thats one thing - we aren’t dating. He’s made it very clear that he doesnt like me like that and I am okay with that. But he is the only person who knows about the serious stuff and the only person I trust with it. While I have other ppl in my life, I wouldn’t really go to them for any kind of comfort. Except maybe a coworker for work related problems. But everything else is just my close friend.

And I’ve thought about that, how I’m being toxic to him and being too much, but he will deny it and say its fine. He also knows I have no one else to go to though so I secretly think he just wont be honest with me about his boundaries. Of course I would hate the boundaries, but I would rather this be a mutual friendship than what it feels like... him satisfying me all the time. I feel like a child. He’s great when there are other things bothering me, but when the problem is him we can’t ever talk it through. The only time I seem to be able to get his full attention is when I’m suicidal...so ive mostly stopped telling him. In the event I do die I wouldn’t want him to feel like he could’ve done something about it... (but I also feel like he could so I guess there’s that. Even more incentive to go I guess.)
First of all, people lies for their loved ones. He probably loves you too much to tell you the truth and will never admit the truth, but it doesn’t mean you should believe the lies when you do know the facts. Second of all, people are dumb for their loved ones. In the case he really think it’s no problem, when you realized this is a toxic relationship, you should be the mature one to do something about it.
Since you already recognize the problem, the next step is think about if you want to change the situation. If you do, for his sake and for yours, take the brave step and tell more people about your problem, or get professional help (an oldie but a goodie). Just don’t sorely rely on him for everything. Not tell anyone about your thoughts is another extreme end you should avoid. There is really no way around it. It took my ex to break up with me for us to both be happier and I am very thankful for that.
I really have no judgement for you as I went though similar situations myself. But overthink really gets us no where, once you recognize the problem, either you do something to change it or just accept it as it is. I’d like to believe after trying to change, things are slowly getting better. You will still struggle from day to day but you will learn to rely on yourself more. It is a good feeling.
Best of luck for you!
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
Wakawaka

Wakawaka

Member
Joined
Dec 10, 2020
Messages
82
Reaction score
223
He was listening, but halfway through he started picking up my cat toy and playing with it. I asked him to put it away and to stop and he didnt and I got mad and wouldn’t finish talking to him because he wasnt paying attention even tho he was “listening”.
last time my friend told me about his day i was playing my ps4 but still heard everything he said. often when people talk to me i start doing other things, looking at my phone, playing with my hair, i guess its just a need to stay busy. it doesnt stop me from hearing what theyre saying.

with that, im not here to take sides, i've been guilty of this many times, but it helps to learn to separate the difference between, "someone hurting you" and "being hurt by someone". the first implies intent, they are doing things to intentionally piss you off. the second is more you on. the thing they did might have been perfectly normal but it still bothered you. and when you get mad at someone (in the second case), you need to understand that you cant come at them like theyve did something wrong or else they wont understand it

but at some point if the things are more like the second example, you might have to do some thinking about how you percieve and react to things
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

I deserve to die
Joined
Nov 30, 2020
Messages
66
Reaction score
107
First of all, people lies for their loved ones. He probably loves you too much to tell you the truth and will never admit the truth, but it doesn’t mean you should believe the lies when you do know the facts. Second of all, people are dumb for their loved ones. In the case he really think it’s no problem, when you realized this is a toxic relationship, you should be the mature one to do something about it.
Since you already recognize the problem, the next step is think about if you want to change the situation. If you do, for his sake and for yours, take the brave step and tell more people about your problem, or get professional help (an oldie but a goodie). Just don’t sorely rely on him for everything. Not tell anyone about your thoughts is another extreme end you should avoid. There is really no way around it. It took my ex to break up with me for us to both be happier and I am very thankful for that.
I really have no judgement for you as I went though similar situations myself. But overthink really gets us no where, once you recognize the problem, either you do something to change it or just accept it as it is. I’d like to believe after trying to change, things are slowly getting better. You will still struggle from day to day but you will learn to rely on yourself more. It is a good feeling.
Best of luck for you!
Thanks. I’m currently on a waiting list (supposedly) for therapy. Who knows. My issue is that I have no follow through. I have no hope or incentive for the future. I look forward to nothing. I’m aimlessly going through life feeling miserable and making a wrong turn every time. I was suicidal before I met him and he was the only thing that helped. Now that he’s part of the cause half the time I dont know what to do. He wants me to make it to therapy. I high key believe it will do nothing. Which by saying that ive already guaranteed it. I’ve already lost, so why keep trying?

I dont think I’m fit for this world. I do overthink too much and overfeel and overcommunicate and I’m not good enough the way I am which is exactly the reason why I need to go. I can’t change, I’m not changing. I’ve tried and it doesnt work. Maybe I self sabotage, I just know it doesnt work. I wish I could just be better magically and not be the way I am. My friend does love me (platonically) very much and he will be devastated in his own way when I die. But sometimes toxic people are better off gone than never getting better... and death is pretty much the only thing that will prevent me from keeping the toxic cycle going. I just dont have the fortitude to do anything right...
 
Upvote 0
GottaGo

GottaGo

Member
Joined
Jan 27, 2020
Messages
26
Reaction score
67
Thanks. I’m currently on a waiting list (supposedly) for therapy. Who knows. My issue is that I have no follow through. I have no hope or incentive for the future. I look forward to nothing. I’m aimlessly going through life feeling miserable and making a wrong turn every time. I was suicidal before I met him and he was the only thing that helped. Now that he’s part of the cause half the time I dont know what to do. He wants me to make it to therapy. I high key believe it will do nothing. Which by saying that ive already guaranteed it. I’ve already lost, so why keep trying?

I dont think I’m fit for this world. I do overthink too much and overfeel and overcommunicate and I’m not good enough the way I am which is exactly the reason why I need to go. I can’t change, I’m not changing. I’ve tried and it doesnt work. Maybe I self sabotage, I just know it doesnt work. I wish I could just be better magically and not be the way I am. My friend does love me (platonically) very much and he will be devastated in his own way when I die. But sometimes toxic people are better off gone than never getting better... and death is pretty much the only thing that will prevent me from keeping the toxic cycle going. I just dont have the fortitude to do anything right...
That’s just not true. Every living thing has its right to existence. You just need to learn to accept yourself. I’m on my way to accept the fact that I’m a loser and I might forever to stay like a loser. And that’s ok :)
I don’t believe in god but one line in the Bible touched me years ago: "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"
If you do decide to leave, it is your right, but make sure you don’t make that decision under the lies that you don’t deserve happiness.
best of luck to you.
 
Upvote 0
nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

I deserve to die
Joined
Nov 30, 2020
Messages
66
Reaction score
107
That’s just not true. Every living thing has its right to existence. You just need to learn to accept yourself. I’m on my way to accept the fact that I’m a loser and I might forever to stay like a loser. And that’s ok :)
I don’t believe in god but one line in the Bible touched me years ago: "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"
If you do decide to leave, it is your right, but make sure you don’t make that decision under the lies that you don’t deserve happiness.
best of luck to you.
<3 thanks GottaGo. I wish I didnt believe in religion, because then maybe I could accept that as easily as you do. unfortunately I just dont think there’s a way out...well, except for one.

I’m glad you’re on the path to doing better. Thats all anyone can hope for right?
 
Upvote 0
Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

Please, call me Willow.
Joined
Jul 1, 2020
Messages
2,689
Reaction score
5,618
I dont even have any disorders to blame it on since I’m not diagnosed with anything...but part of me thinks that if I did it would only make things worse.

Well in the past he’s told me he wants me to tell him straight when I’m upset because he can’t always tell. I think its obvious...but fine. I will tell him how I feel (usually over text because we only see each other one day during the week where we can even talk about things between us) and I will say how what he did makes me feel. I’ve tried to avoid the accusatory language but it slips thorough sometimes (like “it just seems like you dont even care” and the like). Recently I’ve been trying to show that I understand that he cares, it just hurts when he does X.

This time it was just him not paying attention to me while I was telling him something important. He was listening, but halfway through he started picking up my cat toy and playing with it. I asked him to put it away and to stop and he didnt and I got mad and wouldn’t finish talking to him because he wasnt paying attention even tho he was “listening”.

I told him it hurt when he distracts himself and doesnt listen, even if he recites back mostly correctly what i’d been saying (but he missed some parts). His response was just to reiterate that he was listening and recited everything back to me again. Its like he chooses to misunderstand what I’m saying. Maybe I’m crazy for getting upset but I’m pissed and I’m hurt because he wont apologize and he wont admit he was wrong and he wont promise not to do it again - thats just how he is. So I spend my nights angry and sad and it pisses me off more knowing that he doesnt even feel anything about it. He’s not mad or upset, he just is. Supposedly “caring” but doesnt care that I’m upset. He just thinks there’s nothing he can do about it because he doesnt think he’s wrong.
Have you tried explaining the importance of listening? I had to explain to my loved ones that I'm different and things are difficult for me so I require things that most probably dont.
 
Upvote 0
nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

I deserve to die
Joined
Nov 30, 2020
Messages
66
Reaction score
107
Have you tried explaining the importance of listening? I had to explain to my loved ones that I'm different and things are difficult for me so I require things that most probably dont.
I have tried. But I am awful at communicating (I believe I overcommunicate which just causes them to be confused, but I can’t find a way to simplify it further - you can probably tell by how long my posts are). So its entirely possible I just have not communicated correctly. Some things I feel just need to be said in person and not over text, but we only see each other on Fridays and Saturdays, and we can’t talk on Fridays because there is a 3rd person there.

If I want faster communication I have to text. He works long hours and has meetings all throughout the night during the week. I couldn’t even visit him if I wanted to without interrupting something. So often times I relent and text, but I dont like it most of the time. I wish he wasnt so busy. He’s made a huge sacrifice to spend his Saturdays with me but I feel like it all gets wasted anyways because I fight with him all the time. I just dont know what to do and there are no solutions. I hate it. I hate this. I hate my emotions and my feelings and everything about everything about how I get upset at anything. Maybe I should buy another ingredient tonight.
 
Upvote 0
Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

Please, call me Willow.
Joined
Jul 1, 2020
Messages
2,689
Reaction score
5,618
I have tried. But I am awful at communicating (I believe I overcommunicate which just causes them to be confused, but I can’t find a way to simplify it further - you can probably tell by how long my posts are). So its entirely possible I just have not communicated correctly. Some things I feel just need to be said in person and not over text, but we only see each other on Fridays and Saturdays, and we can’t talk on Fridays because there is a 3rd person there.

If I want faster communication I have to text. He works long hours and has meetings all throughout the night during the week. I couldn’t even visit him if I wanted to without interrupting something. So often times I relent and text, but I dont like it most of the time. I wish he wasnt so busy. He’s made a huge sacrifice to spend his Saturdays with me but I feel like it all gets wasted anyways because I fight with him all the time. I just dont know what to do and there are no solutions. I hate it. I hate this. I hate my emotions and my feelings and everything about everything about how I get upset at anything. Maybe I should buy another ingredient tonight.
Maybe a middle person could help explain it differently so he can understand. I find that sometimes I have to reword things
 
Upvote 0
nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

I deserve to die
Joined
Nov 30, 2020
Messages
66
Reaction score
107
Maybe a middle person could help explain it differently so he can understand. I find that sometimes I have to reword things
There is no one else... we have (a) mutual friend, but not one he would respect info from. If he even respects it from me.

On a sad side note, the web page I was getting all my info off of isn’t working for some reason. Probably removed...which is just great. I only kind of remember everything... now I have to go looking again... I wish I had everything right now...
 
Upvote 0
ohhgeeitsme

ohhgeeitsme

Arcanist
Joined
Feb 5, 2020
Messages
482
Reaction score
1,448
It's impossible for any of us to know without witnessing it personally. However, after reading through all this, I am kind of leaning on the opinion that you're probably being overly sensitive and at least a lot of times, he really isn't doing anything wrong. I've definitely been guilty of this myself, but I've also dealt with other people who react similarly and it IS incredibly frustrating being on the receiving end of it. Especially when they're constantly misinterpreting your words or actions and even when you tell them they've misunderstood you, they're convinced they're right and won't believe you. It's infuriating when people completely twist around what you've said or have done and put words in your mouth, then won't accept any explanation or anything you offer to show them they've misconstrued the whole thing. While I'm someone who naturally apologizes even if I don't think I did anything wrong, I totally understand why people can't. I also know how upsetting that can be when you're hurt. You have to remember, just because someone did or said something that hurt you, that does not mean they were in the wrong. It doesn't mean you're wrong for being hurt either, you just have to remember that is about you and not on them. If they weren't actually in the wrong, then you shouldn't expect them to apologize. Trust me, I know this all easier said than done and I need to tell myself this sometimes.

Even the most well intentioned people can become emotionally exhausted when their friend uses them as a therapist in every interaction, not to mention becomes very combative and accusatory when they don't react exactly how they want. Is every conversation between you two almost always about YOU and your problems? If so, that's something you need to work on too. To be honest, I usually have to cut ties with people like this because it's just too emotionally draining for me and I don't feel like they even care about me anyway. They just want someone to vent to and unload on and I'm already drowning in my own problems. I'm not saying any of this is what you're doing, but if it is, you really have to consider how this is affecting him too. Just because he seems like he doesn't care or isn't affected or even says that, doesn't mean that's the truth. I notice a lot of men come off this way. I get the impression that he probably feels like he has to walk on eggshells around you, and if he does, he's not going to be completely honest with you because he knows you won't react well and it will just lead to more arguing.

To me, it sounds like he really is trying to be a good friend to you, but also sounds like he may not be the kind of friend you're looking for. Being angry at him for not being exactly what you want him to be, especially if you have unrealistic expectations, is not really fair to him either. I think you need someone with a very attentive and caring nature and someone who will say they're sorry no matter what.

To be clear, I'm not saying all this applies to you or that you're doing any of this. Just that if you are, it's something you should think about. Then again, maybe this whole thing is far more him than you and maybe I'm wrong about all of this.

Either way, I hope you two can work this out and things look up for you. Best of luck.
 
Upvote 0
nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

I deserve to die
Joined
Nov 30, 2020
Messages
66
Reaction score
107
It's impossible for any of us to know without witnessing it personally. However, after reading through all this, I am kind of leaning on the opinion that you're probably being overly sensitive and at least a lot of times, he really isn't doing anything wrong. I've definitely been guilty of this myself, but I've also dealt with other people who react similarly and it IS incredibly frustrating being on the receiving end of it. Especially when they're constantly misinterpreting your words or actions and even when you tell them they've misunderstood you, they're convinced they're right and won't believe you. It's infuriating when people completely twist around what you've said or have done and put words in your mouth, then won't accept any explanation or anything you offer to show them they've misconstrued the whole thing. While I'm someone who naturally apologizes even if I don't think I did anything wrong, I totally understand why people can't. I also know how upsetting that can be when you're hurt. You have to remember, just because someone did or said something that hurt you, that does not mean they were in the wrong. It doesn't mean you're wrong for being hurt either, you just have to remember that is about you and not on them. If they weren't actually in the wrong, then you shouldn't expect them to apologize. Trust me, I know this all easier said than done and I need to tell myself this sometimes.

Even the most well intentioned people can become emotionally exhausted when their friend uses them as a therapist in every interaction, not to mention becomes very combative and accusatory when they don't react exactly how they want. Is every conversation between you two almost always about YOU and your problems? If so, that's something you need to work on too. To be honest, I usually have to cut ties with people like this because it's just too emotionally draining for me and I don't feel like they even care about me anyway. They just want someone to vent to and unload on and I'm already drowning in my own problems. I'm not saying any of this is what you're doing, but if it is, you really have to consider how this is affecting him too. Just because he seems like he doesn't care or isn't affected or even says that, doesn't mean that's the truth. I notice a lot of men come off this way. I get the impression that he probably feels like he has to walk on eggshells around you, and if he does, he's not going to be completely honest with you because he knows you won't react well and it will just lead to more arguing.

To me, it sounds like he really is trying to be a good friend to you, but also sounds like he may not be the kind of friend you're looking for. Being angry at him for not being exactly what you want him to be, especially if you have unrealistic expectations, is not really fair to him either. I think you need someone with a very attentive and caring nature and someone who will say they're sorry no matter what.

To be clear, I'm not saying all this applies to you or that you're doing any of this. Just that if you are, it's something you should think about. Then again, maybe this whole thing is far more him than you and maybe I'm wrong about all of this.

Either way, I hope you two can work this out and things look up for you. Best of luck.
Its true, I do most of the talking between the two of us. And a lot of the time it is about my problems. We “met” randomly and we were not friends first before the problems came about. It was all very sudden and he wanted to help after an impulsive decision to ask him a personal question a couple years ago I thought he could help with. We didnt really know each other before then.

By nature he is the quiet type. He is reserved, trying to learn anything about him is like trying to open a coconut with your bare hands. He’s very aloof. I used to feel very uneasy because it was always me me me and I knew nothing about him. I didnt even care if he didnt want to tell me, but he wouldn’t even say he would rather not say. He would just avoid questions and talk in circles and when asked if he would rather keep it to himself he said he didnt care. I hated it.

It’s been almost 3 years now I think. I’m the only person who knows anything about him aside from his sister. But even still I dont know much. Like I dont know what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling and I can only get him to really open up if I’m having a really bad breakdown. I have told him I hate that our conversations are always about me and my problems. He told me to find something else to talk about. That really hurt but I didnt make an issue about it. In the past he has apologized for not texting more (we were long distance until late 2019, I only “met” him in summer of 2018) as he can and does go for days without texting, sometimes weeks and I am more of a daily type of person. But I think he only apologized because I was having a breakdown and he wanted me to feel better. And honestly - I dont want to change him. I dont. I tried to change a person very close to me in the past and I realized after it happened how bad that was. But at the same time there are things he do that hurt me.

We do have other things we talk about, but he is very busy and does not initiate conversations often. He says he misses me when I go on my “friendship ending” spells. He says he values me. But I dont feel it. I really like him as a friend. I also value him as my “therapist”. I’ve told him he isn’t supposed to be that, that its taxing on him and he says he will be the judge of that. He’s been there through my (maybe) ptsd attacks. He was there through my suicide attempt in 2019, he was there after I drove back from the bridge last summer. He was there a few weeks ago in December when my SI spiked to a 10 (before I found this site) and talked with me through the whole thing. He’s told me he wants to be friends with me forever. That he knows I feel very alone and maybe when he buys a house in a few years I could even rent a room from him so I wouldn’t have to be alone.

He is my best friend. And I dont want to lose him. I can’t help how I feel and I dont know what to do about it. When he makes me angry or upset or hurt. I can’t change how I am. And I hate being this way. I want to work with him but he’s so aloof. I feel like I’m the only one trying to make things work and I dont know what to do. I think he got in way too deep over his head and got tangled up with someone with more problems than he anticipated. He will absolutely deny this...but I dont know what to think...
 
Upvote 0
ohhgeeitsme

ohhgeeitsme

Arcanist
Joined
Feb 5, 2020
Messages
482
Reaction score
1,448
Its true, I do most of the talking between the two of us. And a lot of the time it is about my problems. We “met” randomly and we were not friends first before the problems came about. It was all very sudden and he wanted to help after an impulsive decision to ask him a personal question a couple years ago I thought he could help with. We didnt really know each other before then.

By nature he is the quiet type. He is reserved, trying to learn anything about him is like trying to open a coconut with your bare hands. He’s very aloof. I used to feel very uneasy because it was always me me me and I knew nothing about him. I didnt even care if he didnt want to tell me, but he wouldn’t even say he would rather not say. He would just avoid questions and talk in circles and when asked if he would rather keep it to himself he said he didnt care. I hated it.

It’s been almost 3 years now I think. I’m the only person who knows anything about him aside from his sister. But even still I dont know much. Like I dont know what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling and I can only get him to really open up if I’m having a really bad breakdown. I have told him I hate that our conversations are always about me and my problems. He told me to find something else to talk about. That really hurt but I didnt make an issue about it. In the past he has apologized for not texting more (we were long distance until late 2019, I only “met” him in summer of 2018) as he can and does go for days without texting, sometimes weeks and I am more of a daily type of person. But I think he only apologized because I was having a breakdown and he wanted me to feel better. And honestly - I dont want to change him. I dont. I tried to change a person very close to me in the past and I realized after it happened how bad that was. But at the same time there are things he do that hurt me.

We do have other things we talk about, but he is very busy and does not initiate conversations often. He says he misses me when I go on my “friendship ending” spells. He says he values me. But I dont feel it. I really like him as a friend. I also value him as my “therapist”. I’ve told him he isn’t supposed to be that, that its taxing on him and he says he will be the judge of that. He’s been there through my (maybe) ptsd attacks. He was there through my suicide attempt in 2019, he was there after I drove back from the bridge last summer. He was there a few weeks ago in December when my SI spiked to a 10 (before I found this site) and talked with me through the whole thing. He’s told me he wants to be friends with me forever. That he knows I feel very alone and maybe when he buys a house in a few years I could even rent a room from him so I wouldn’t have to be alone.

He is my best friend. And I dont want to lose him. I can’t help how I feel and I dont know what to do about it. When he makes me angry or upset or hurt. I can’t change how I am. And I hate being this way. I want to work with him but he’s so aloof. I feel like I’m the only one trying to make things work and I dont know what to do. I think he got in way too deep over his head and got tangled up with someone with more problems than he anticipated. He will absolutely deny this...but I dont know what to think...

I'm really sorry. This is definitely a tough one. I think he really does care about you though. In my own opinion (and I'm no expert), you're just going to have to work on accepting him for who he is. It at least sounds like he's accepting you for who you are. I totally believe in compromising, but in this situation, it's like forcing an introvert to become extroverted. It's just not who they are. I do think he should be more open with you, but if talking to him about it did nothing, then it's on you to decide if you want to continue with the friendship or not. Continuing this cycle is very unhealthy for both of you and you need to pick a lane because he's already picked his.

Have you ever tried something like cognitive behavioral therapy? That sounds like something that could really benefit you in this situation. In all honesty and I could totally be wrong, it seems like you're projecting your insecurities onto him and the only way this is going to get better is if you're able to change how you react to what is more than likely mostly imagined slights and indifference. This is really something you need to see a licensed professional about. If you can't afford CBT, they do (or at least used to), have free worksheets and stuff online you can look at and work on by yourself. I would definitely try to see a therapist though, because it sounds like you're suffering from some kind of personality disorder but I am no expert so take everything I'm saying with a grain of salt. Only a real doctor can give you a more accurate diagnosis.

I should say though, I've dealt with people who at least came across as very nonchalant about my problems and made me feel invalidated. I know how hurtful it is. I've been there. Whether or not this was their intention or it was just all in my head, I have no idea but it would do me no favors to keep going back to them looking for comfort and understanding with the same problems I had before if they didn't make me feel better the first time. I didn't write them off completely, but I did stop opening up to them the way I did because I realized that kind of dynamic wasn't going to work for us. We were just too different in that regard. So maybe that's something to consider too. Don't completely write him off, but realize maybe he's the wrong "therapist" for you and so maybe ease up on that a bit. You can still be friends, it doesn't have to be so black and white.
 
Upvote 0
nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

I deserve to die
Joined
Nov 30, 2020
Messages
66
Reaction score
107
I'm really sorry. This is definitely a tough one. I think he really does care about you though. In my own opinion (and I'm no expert), you're just going to have to work on accepting him for who he is. It at least sounds like he's accepting you for who you are. I totally believe in compromising, but in this situation, it's like forcing an introvert to become extroverted. It's just not who they are. I do think he should be more open with you, but if talking to him about it did nothing, then it's on you to decide if you want to continue with the friendship or not. Continuing this cycle is very unhealthy for both of you and you need to pick a lane because he's already picked his.

Have you ever tried something like cognitive behavioral therapy? That sounds like something that could really benefit you in this situation. In all honesty and I could totally be wrong, it seems like you're projecting your insecurities onto him and the only way this is going to get better is if you're able to change how you react to what is more than likely mostly imagined slights and indifference. This is really something you need to see a licensed professional about. If you can't afford CBT, they do (or at least used to), have free worksheets and stuff online you can look at and work on by yourself. I would definitely try to see a therapist though, because it sounds like you're suffering from some kind of personality disorder but I am no expert so take everything I'm saying with a grain of salt. Only a real doctor can give you a more accurate diagnosis.

I should say though, I've dealt with people who at least came across as very nonchalant about my problems and made me feel invalidated. I know how hurtful it is. I've been there. Whether or not this was their intention or it was just all in my head, I have no idea but it would do me no favors to keep going back to them looking for comfort and understanding with the same problems I had before if they didn't make me feel better the first time. I didn't write them off completely, but I did stop opening up to them the way I did because I realized that kind of dynamic wasn't going to work for us. We were just too different in that regard. So maybe that's something to consider too. Don't completely write him off, but realize maybe he's the wrong "therapist" for you and so maybe ease up on that a bit. You can still be friends, it doesn't have to be so black and white.
I’m supposedly on a waiting list for therapy... he’s promised to come with me to my first appointment because I am very antsy about therapy. I havent followed up with them since their last follow up with me in December, so idk. And at this rate I won’t because I can’t by myself. Or rather I just wont I guess. I think I’m too stubborn really, and somewhere along the path of life I decided to choose everything bad and to stay this way whatever it takes and now I just behave this way. Sorry this post will just be a giant pity party, so its okay if you get mad.

He’s the only one I can talk to about anything. Before him I had no one. I was barely living and dealing with all my shit alone and working 80 hours a week. I know this is a problem of mine. I knew it before I started talking to him, that I get overly attached to a single person and screw it over. Its what killed my last two relationships. And its whats killing this friendship. The second he showed any sympathy and care at all despite literally never talking to me before in a real conversation I was already emotionally swept away. I was so scared because I knew, I knew I would fuck it up by getting too attached, relying too much, expecting too much, wanting and needing too much. I am a black hole. I tried so hard not to but I knew immediately once I felt that I had to stay away that I was already too invested - at like two days in. I was suicidal before I met him. He and I are two sides of the same coin. And I know my issues cause all of our problems.

If I can’t go to him for problems we would barely speak. We already arent speaking. I would see him once maybe twice a week and we would never text. My emotions are too straight forward, I would ruin all outings because I am too sad over not being able to talk to him. I would be a negative presence. But even when I look at it I know its just the hard truth. Everyone wants things to be better, but the truth is I’m not better. I can’t get better. I dont even know if I want to get better. And if I’m just going to stay like this forever then I might as well do everyone a favor and leave. It hurts me, it hurts them, I hurt people by existing pretty much. I know he wishes he could fix me and I do too. But I know he can’t. Not even a therapist can fix me because that’s not even their job. I dont even have a goal for therapy. I would get kicked out immediately because I dont even know what I want. If I’m not able to have him to comfort me then it wont matter anyways. I’m back to square one. I can’t be alone again. I’m better off dead and not worsening things further than alive and poisoning everyone more. It’ll hurt less if I do it sooner... and God forbid I meet another decent guy and ruin his life too.

I know I’m the most toxic person out there. All this back and forth, pushing and crying, I love you and I hate you. I need him and thats the most toxic thing of all. You are right, he does accept me 100%. He’s a rare person like that. I am incapable of doing that. Its impossible. I was not raised that way. I can’t become that way - no matter how much you think it would be easy. I can’t be who he needs me to be. And I’m not capable of going back to having no one. Not again. Every time we fight I make a plan. This time my plan is actionable and he doesnt know about it. My emotions blame him because I’m hurt, but I dont want to admit it wont be his fault. I’ve told him to never believe it is his fault ever. I dont know which emotion is right. I need him. But I also know that it’s not his responsibility. I just wish he was here and I wish I wasnt so messed up. I never ever want to hurt him... I wish reality was different... because this fucking hurts.
 
Upvote 0

Similar threads

willitpass
Replies
5
Views
258
willitpass
willitpass
M
Replies
46
Views
2K
TheSomebody
TheSomebody
KuriGohan&Kamehameha
Replies
5
Views
350
the_final_countdown
T
Top