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AJ95

AJ95

I want to leave a pretty corpse
Joined
Sep 3, 2020
Messages
61
Hey everyone :)

My name is Ava, I'm 24 from Sydney and I've been chronically depressed for at least the last decade.

I'm blessed with borderline personality disorder, body dysmorphia disorder, anxiety, and an eating disorder.

I've self harmed on and off since about 15 and have tried to ctb three times (cutting, aspirin OD, strangulation), and have spent about 2 months in hospital because of it, obviously none of them worked lol

I've just started uni again but the body dysmorphia is tearing my life apart and I really struggle with leaving the house without a mask and sunglasses on so people can't see my hideous face. I had a full on breakdown a couple of days and now I've decided I'm ready to ctb again!

I've done a lot of research on here and around the internet and I know what I'm doing this time, going to do a partial suspension hanging. I have it all figured out, I'm just waiting for something traumatic enough to push me over the edge :)
 
the witch’s lament

the witch’s lament

Member
Joined
Sep 5, 2020
Messages
89
hey guys, I’m TWL or just witch. I’m 22 years old and living in the U.S. I have major depressive disorder, anxiety, and ADHD. I love writing, film (especially thriller/horror), all music (experimental, alt, indie, hip hop, ambient, post-punk), traveling, tattoos/body mods (15 tattoos, pierced conch/daith/septum stretch) and modern art. I only just found SS but I guess better late than never. I have had two unsuccessful CTBs and am trying to gather more info for the final one. also looking for cool likeminded people so reach out if you want to talk! see you in the forums :)
 
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D

Daftwils

Get a load of this monster
Joined
Aug 13, 2020
Messages
3
Hi all,

I'm Wilson, 20 from Sweden. I've been feeling pretty lost for the past couple years now, even as my life has probably in many ways improved since then. Over summer I got an all time low, I now have a method fully prepared but in waiting for all the setup, I do feel a bit better now. The only thing I ever really enjoyed, gaming, has finally come back to me in the form of CK3, but I can feel that fading already. I miss when I could get lost in a game for what felt like forever. Instead every day it feels like fewer things can make me smile, but at least I'm getting better at pretending. Fake it till you make it right?

I'm definitely glad I have the option to go, it's pretty hard to do here in sweden, maybe knowing I could go at any moment is a kind of peace? Especially when I think most of my pain comes from worrying how I could fuck up my life even more.

We'll see how it goes. If someone needs some SN in Swe btw I might be able to hook u up. Being part of an organisation that can order stuff with plausible deniability is pretty useful.

I still think I want to die tho. One day the time will be right.
 
N

NotEnoughIncentive

Member
Joined
Sep 8, 2020
Messages
6
Greetings.

You can call me NEI or Incentive, if those nicknames haven't been taken by someone else. Or whatever nickname will come to me as I interact with you guys here. I'm 18 years old, non-binary, from Indonesia. (But internally I feel younger lol.)

And I'd like to tell my story.

Around 2014 (12 y.o.) I became depressed, and soon after that became suicidal. I believed everyone hated me and only took advantage of my willingness to help. It was self-diagnosed but I would refuse to believe if a proper diagnosis from a professional tells me it wasn't depression. On 2015 I really wanted to kill myself and it spiked very bad just a day before my 13th birthday, midyear. I didn't do it though, for fear of failing. But the informations around suicide I gathered on that year, I keep in mind until now.

But magically, without any proper treatment, once I enter high school the depression disappeared. Probably because I was having so much fun with my activities at school! Conversely, I believed everyone loved me even though we're not good friends. I had no enemies. But unfortunately I started having gender dysphoria so high school period is still kind of a hell. Never have I thought so seriously again about suicide. Never have I become depressed again for long period of time. Just a good night sleep and I will wake up feeling better.

And so, why did I land here? Around July, I realized some of my friends had been posting about death, wanting to die, etc (the warning signs), and I talked to a counselor from my univ on how to help them. A few days after that, I asked myself "why do we help suicidal people? Is there any objective reason?" and changed it to "is there any objective reason we must live?" And from that I fell down the hole of nihilism(?), I started remembering that I wanted to die, that I should've died 5 years ago, and I consider my whole 2015-2020 life as illegal. And yeah, my biological body is one of the reasons I don't want to live for too long.

And here I am. So, greetings again, I hope the time we will spend together is full of warmth and love.:happy:
 
max_caulfield

max_caulfield

Member
Joined
Sep 9, 2020
Messages
15
Hey, guys.

I am Maxine. I am 19 years old and live in Austria. I was diagnozed with depression in my early teenage years, and it's been getting worse and worse ever since. I have been contemplating my suicide since I was 14. I also suffer from body dysmorphic disorder and I abhor my face, voice and body. Therapy doesn't work for me. I have been prescribed different kinds of drugs over the years but none of them work. My parents try to convince me that everything is going to be fine. Obviously this is not the case. I do feel guilty for breaking their hearts with my future ctb though. However, I think it's time to end all of it once and for all.

I wish all of you to find peace or heal your wounds.
 
Sinkinshyp

Sinkinshyp

Master
Joined
Sep 7, 2020
Messages
468
I'm Dez. A 48 yr old woman. I've had depression and anxiety all of my life. I spent my life from 20 yrs old being a single mom. I can relate to so many of you here. I see my younger self in a lot of y'all as well. I was born into a mentally & physically abusive home. I tried to CTB when I was 12. My abuser, my father died when I was 15. About 6 months later I met my 1st boyfriend who would than use me as a punching bag for the next yr and a half. After I got out of that relationship I met an older guy my first true love. When we broke up I tried to CTB. I was 16-17 back than. I would cut myself, put cigarettes out on myself. I took pills and cut my wrists only landed in psych hospitals. At 18 I had cancer. Landed on life support for the first time. It gave me a new outlook on life. At 20 I gave birth to my older son Joey. His father didn't want him so I raised him alone. When Joey was 8 1/2 I had my younger son. Because my son needed me and I was all he had I kept my anxiety and depression under control. He gave me a reason to wake up and try hard to make a decent life for us. He was the love and light in my life. I was so blessed and honored to have such an amazing son. He died in a car accident october will be 3 years. I died with him that day. I wanted to CTB from the second the police told me he was gone. I had a 16yr old son also so I stayed here for him. He turned 18 and 3 months later moved in with his grandmother on his fathers side. That was a yr and a half ago. I'm lost and destroyed without my sons. All I know how to be is mom. I am in my room 24/7 unless I need to use the bathroom or get a drink. I do not want to live without my sons anymore. I believe in my afterlife I will be reunited with my older son. I've been on life support twice. Once from the cancer and once in 2013 I had respiratory failure. I have emphysema and cold germs caused it.

If any of you want to talk I am here for you. I respect whatever you choose to do. I just have a ton of life experience and that mom in me wants to share it with you. Maybe I can help someone before I CTB. I hope yall find peace, hope, love and happiness in whatever you choose.
 
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deadbeat

deadbeat

Member
Joined
Sep 9, 2020
Messages
56
Hello, I don't really know what to say but I've had anxiety and depression since childhood, and I've been NEET since I graduated high school.
I hope I can change and things will improve but I don't have much of an identity so I don't know what to do with myself.
Aside from my SO I've been socially isolated for years, both because I find keeping up friendships exhausting but also due to shame over my situation. Even just typing this out feels strange since I just lurk on everything.
I spend my days playing on my switch, watching films/shows, cooking food (vegan btw), and browsing the internet. I could be a good artist but I lack motivation and have trouble coming up with original ideas.
Thanks for reading.
 
E

enuff

had enuff
Joined
Sep 10, 2020
Messages
36
Hi all, I'm so glad I found this forum, where I can share my feelings about suicide among like minded people. It's difficult/impossible to discuss my feelings about suicide with anyone I know. I tried once before and was shunned from my social circle back then. I'm 60 now and that was a long time ago. So now I keep my thoughts to myself, and it's a real prison in my mind. There's more to the story, but I just can't crank it out right now. Maybe soon.

My domestic life (relationship) is rocky at best, but he won't leave and his family loves me more than my own family. And he would be inconsolable if I did ctb, and I don't want to do that to him. Plus, his Auntie would kill me. I don't want to put that whole family through all the grief and drama.

Me, I'm just not looking forward to tomorrow. Every day is deeper in debt and harder to cope. I keep hoping I get killed in a car crash, bit by a tick, hit by a truck, brain aneurysm, heart attack, something like that. I dont want to be labeled suicide, it's embarrassing. And yes it will matter. I have a lot of family and professional network, although none of them are my friends. All my true friends died over the past several years: cancer, diabetes, aneurysm, auto accident, heart attack, and one just died in his sleep. When will it be my turn? With my luck, I'll live to a ripe old age, suffering from poverty and lonliness.

The one thing I have to hang onto is an 18" tank of Nitrogen that I bought off CL. Having it gives me solace, just knowing I have a way out. But being found will be ugly, and I don't want my partner to find me that way. So here I am, so grateful to have found this place. It's like an oasis in the desert of life. Thanks for being here.
 
D

DockoftheBay

Member
Joined
Sep 10, 2020
Messages
19
Hi everyone, it's reassuring to see that the way I feel is shared by so many others. Society forces so many ideals on us that are totally unachievable and unfair. We're supposed to roam the forest, free, happy and equal but humanity has morphed into something deeply unpleasant and totlaly untenable. It's a shame.

I'm 39 now and have seen enough. I have been depressed since I was 10 or 11, spent many years self-medicating with alcohol and spending time with people who didn't care about me and only got me into trouble. I can't do this anymore. I just don't have the energy. Will things get better? Maybe, but I can't handle the constant fear, anxiety and worry anymore. It's time to depart.

There are some people who love me and the hardest thing is the thought of what they will have to deal with. I hope that they come to understand that it was all just too much.

This is my first post but I've been viewing for while and the support here is fantastic. I look forward to getting to know people here before I go.
 
catalepsy

catalepsy

Member
Joined
Sep 4, 2020
Messages
73
Hi, I'm catalepsy. I work too much, sleep too little, and have amassed a cat collection in my apartment, including 2 kittens that are polydactyl.
So I looked through this thread and realized I really don't talk about myself much. That's probably one of the contributing factors to my landing on this website. I dunno. It's an issue.
 
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deadgirlahsatan

deadgirlahsatan

Specialist
Joined
Jun 5, 2020
Messages
319
Hello, I don't really know what to say but I've had anxiety and depression since childhood, and I've been NEET since I graduated high school.
I hope I can change and things will improve but I don't have much of an identity so I don't know what to do with myself.
Aside from my SO I've been socially isolated for years, both because I find keeping up friendships exhausting but also due to shame over my situation. Even just typing this out feels strange since I just lurk on everything.
I spend my days playing on my switch, watching films/shows, cooking food (vegan btw), and browsing the internet. I could be a good artist but I lack motivation and have trouble coming up with original ideas.
Thanks for reading.
U cook vegan!! I do too. I'm not the best cook though. Pretty simple stuff i make though. :heart: :heart:

Sorry u have anxiety and depression.:hug: i have depression too. I have anxiety as well but mine is social.
 
asani

asani

Fluttershy girl. October 1st is my day.
Joined
Sep 11, 2020
Messages
58
Hi everyone. I'm Ana, 20 from Russia. I'm new to this forum but I'm not new to depression, sociophobia and etc. Thank god my English is quite good and I'm glad I found this site so I can do everything right for the first time in my life.
Currently waiting for SN to arrive and then make plans. I had several attemts and all I failed. This time I hope I won't let myself down. Nice to meet you everyone at least for this short period of time. :)
 
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TattiQueen

TattiQueen

Member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
8
Salutations All !
I’m , honestly , glad to be here. Came upon the site by chance, and decided to stay. My day to day is mundane , but mostly downright painful and exhausting. Just floating through existence one day at a time, for now. This seems to be exactly what I needed, when I needed it. Thank you so much for welcoming me.
 
M

maninblack

Member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
5
Hello everybody!

I have nothing special to say to introduce myself. I'm from Croatia. I'm depressed all the time and see no more sense to go on. I don't fit in and dislike world generally, so to help myself, I'm considering suicide. My method of choice would be drowning and I would appreciate if older and more experienced members could redirect me from here to where could I discuss my method of choice more detailed.

Thanks and best wishes to all of you.
 
Stick

Stick

Veteran
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
155
Hi all!
I've been on here for a bit now, but I don't think I've ever really introduced myself. I'm an 18 year old from America. I haven't really suffered from depression most of my life like most of you all on here (although I think I may have seasonal depression around the holiday months of October, November and December, but I haven't been officially diagnosed). My problem stems more from my intense moods due to my anxiety and some other things. For me, the bad times I experience just aren't worth the good times, at least right now. I'm trying to get better, but I don't know how much longer I can hold out, which is how I came here. I'm sick of every minor inconvenience felling like one of the worst things I've ever experienced.
Besides that, I do have a few hobbies. I love art, and I'm working on making a webcomic series (although I'll probably just delay it forever lol). I also play a lot of video games, right now I've been playing CK3 and I just started Monster Hunter again. I'm majoring in Engineering right now, but I'm working hard on my art so maybe I can switch to an art major feasibly (assuming I don't die before hand). It's not great yet, but I'm making progress.
I hope to be able to be open on here when I can't irl. Even just reading posts on here feels so reassuring, like I'm not alone in the way I feel and think.
 
Blank Dreamer

Blank Dreamer

Seeker of Dreams
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
48
Hello,

First off, thank you for allowing me to join this community. I can't recall how I found this site as I've been searching through this entire forum since the beginning of this year. Maybe it's just a string of luck. I don't know how long I will be here, or even if I will be actively posting. But I hope to make the most of whatever I choose to do here.

Not much to say about myself. An individual that has lived a decent amount of time. I've had a relatively normal life I suppose? Well... as normal as it would look from an outside perspective. Best way to describe myself would be lost, hopeless and failure. Depressed too, moderate to severe. It changes throughout the days. I've been depressed since my adolescence if I had to guess. Not consistently, I believe everyone becomes depressed going through their younger years. My depression got progressively worse as the years went by. Either due to my own doing (or not doing enough) or circumstances outside my control. Having a father that has abandoned his family at least twice (if my memory serves me well) during the later years of my adolescence was one of those circumstances.

Such a weird feeling to make a post detailing my sorrow... It's... a strange feeling since I don't have anyone I can talk to in person. I won't go into detail here but probably on a thread I will create.

Since I've been lurking the forum since the beginning of this year, I have procured my own method. I am only 1 ingredient away from completing this preparation. I don't know when my date will be. It could be the end of the year or some time next year. I haven't finalized it but I am in no rush. At least, not yet though that may change because... well life is just like that. A member that has now passed influenced me in choosing this method. I never knew them but their last thread was inspirational to me. I hope that they are now at peace wherever they are...

Well, that about does it for this beginning post. Hope you all find what you are looking for here.
-Blank Dreamer
 
Valon

Valon

Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2020
Messages
66
Valon here. So I've been lurking these forums for about a month now. Didn't think I'd actually make an account, but here I am. I'm turning 25 in a little over a week and it's depressing. I've accomplished next to nothing in my life and feel completely stuck. Not sure how long I plan on staying but I figured it’d be a good idea to vent a bit before I go.
 
L

LabRat

Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2020
Messages
6
Hello.

Joined today but used to frequent the old subreddits (sanctionedsuicide, timetogo, etc.). I guess that speaks for itself - I'm just not able to get myself out of the gutter.

25. Male. US. Grad student. Don't want to live; don't want to die.

I was always a shy/anxious kid. As I grew up, my mental health progressively deteriorated, to the point where I developed severe DP/DR, a degree of agoraphobia, and associated depression. I was reluctantly sucked into the psychiatric merry-go-round, chewed up, and spit out. The system left me with numerous persisting health issues -- issues I'm still dealing with to this day.

What do you get when you add familial pressure, a nightmarish relationship, deteriorating physical health, and failing mental health?

One very, very tired man who never thought he'd end up on such websites. So it goes.
 
deadbeat

deadbeat

Member
Joined
Sep 9, 2020
Messages
56
U cook vegan!! I do too. I'm not the best cook though. Pretty simple stuff i make though. :heart: :heart:

Sorry u have anxiety and depression.:hug: i have depression too. I have anxiety as well but mine is social.
Yeah, for 6-7 years now. A lot of what I cook is different variants of rice + beans :hihi:
I have social anxiety as well as generalized anxiety.
 
BitterlyAlive

BitterlyAlive

Tired of the pain.
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
1,364
Hello.

Joined today but used to frequent the old subreddits (sanctionedsuicide, timetogo, etc.). I guess that speaks for itself - I'm just not able to get myself out of the gutter.

25. Male. US. Grad student. Don't want to live; don't want to die.

I was always a shy/anxious kid. As I grew up, my mental health progressively deteriorated, to the point where I developed severe DP/DR, a degree of agoraphobia, and associated depression. I was reluctantly sucked into the psychiatric merry-go-round, chewed up, and spit out. The system left me with numerous persisting health issues -- issues I'm still dealing with to this day.

What do you get when you add familial pressure, a nightmarish relationship, deteriorating physical health, and failing mental health?

One very, very tired man who never thought he'd end up on such websites. So it goes.
Welcome! Glad to have you here.
 
Chupacabra 44

Chupacabra 44

If boredom were a CTB method, I would be long gone
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
439
Hello-

I joined on Sunday, but have been a compulsive lurker, since the end of October. I started lurking two or three days before the Rachel74 scamming fiasco and just before Stan's CTB - to help some of you figure out how long I have been here vicariously. If you remember there were at times seemingly two to three CTBs going on simultaneously during that time frame. It was amazingly to see all this for the first time ever. I could not figure out what in the world was going on here.

What amazes me is how cathartic this site has been for me. I think this site has been keeping me going, frankly.

Lots of physical and mental health issues for me. If I had to pick perhaps the most significant of my two dozen or so contributing factors for CTB, it would be hard to decide. Happy to share, if anyone wants to hear it, but not sure anyone would want to.

I've very open; Ask me anything; and, I have nothing to hide.

Something that might be of interest to some given a few threads I've seen is that my mom CTBed in her mid-fifites, and I would be happy to share specifics with how it impacted my sibling and me. Feel free to DM me. My sibling and I were both in our early 30s, as a reference point, if anyone is curious as to potential impact of CTB on their adult children. The punch line is mom's CTB did not phase me at all (I get it); My sibling? The opposite reaction.

Anyone feel free to tag me, DM me, or whatever. I won't flame anyone for reaching out to me for whatever reason.

Thank you to those of you who have reached out to make we feel welcome. Happy this site is here and glad I finally joined.

Any lurkers out there trust me, as a professional lurker, I can promise you it feels way better inside vs outside, so take the step and sign up.

Chupacabra 44
 
BitterlyAlive

BitterlyAlive

Tired of the pain.
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
1,364
Hello-

I joined on Sunday, but have been a compulsive lurker, since the end of October. I started lurking two or three days before the Rachel74 scamming fiasco and just before Stan's CTB - to help some of you figure out how long I have been here vicariously. If you remember there were at times seemingly two to three CTBs going on simultaneously during that time frame. It was amazingly to see all this for the first time ever. I could not figure out what in the world was going on here.

What amazes me is how cathartic this site has been for me. I think this site has been keeping me going, frankly.

Lots of physical and mental health issues for me. If I had to pick perhaps the most significant of my two dozen or so contributing factors for CTB, it would be hard to decide. Happy to share, if anyone wants to hear it, but not sure anyone would want to.

I've very open; Ask me anything; and, I have nothing to hide.

Something that might be of interest to some given a few threads I've seen is that my mom CTBed in her mid-fifites, and I would be happy to share specifics with how it impacted my sibling and me. Feel free to DM me. My sibling and I were both in our early 30s, as a reference point, if anyone is curious as to potential impact of CTB on their adult children. The punch line is mom's CTB did not phase me at all (I get it); My sibling? The opposite reaction.

Anyone feel free to tag me, DM me, or whatever. I won't flame anyone for reaching out to me for whatever reason.

Thank you to those of you who have reached out to make we feel welcome. Happy this site is here and glad I finally joined.

Any lurkers out there trust me, as a professional lurker, I can promise you it feels way better inside vs outside, so take the step and sign up.

Chupacabra 44
Welcome! Glad you decided to join us :) Looking forward to further posts from you.
 
S

snowdrift

Member
Joined
Sep 17, 2020
Messages
6
Hello. I just joined last night after lurking for a little bit. I'm 21 F from Ontario, Canada and I've been suicidal for 10 years give or take. I've floated around a few pro-suicide threads in the past but I feel very welcome here.
At this point, I have been incapacitated by major depression, anxiety, autism, trauma, and an eating disorder, among other things. It has made this life unliveable. I can't achieve much of anything, I have very few people in my life, and I foresee nothing but further suffering in the future. I can't work, I can't be social; I can't do anything. My finances are in ruins. Hopefully I can find someone on here to help me catch the blessed bus. Lol. I don't want to see 2021. I attempted earlier this year and several times in 2016-2017 with little success.
Otherwise, I like playing a few video games. I used to write music but I've since lost that passion. I also kind of like writing I guess. I don't know. There isn't much to me at this point.
Hope we all find what we are looking for.
 
Kezrina

Kezrina

Kezrina
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
12
Hello I'm Kerri I am 38 years old and always suffered from low self estem thanks to my upbringing.
I have a beautiful daughter, she's what keeps me alive, as I dont want to fuck up her life, like my mum fucked mine. But its such a struggle eveyday, these bad/negative thoughts I have about myself im tired physically and mentally...just ploughing the daily train, happy when the day is done as another day over but also knowing I have the exact same fight again tomorrow.
 
Birdie

Birdie

Member
Joined
Sep 19, 2020
Messages
26
Hi.

I'm a young girl, currently a college student.

I had a somehow troubled childhood. Living with a bipolar parent made me confused, too many mixed feelings... there was love and warm memories, but also constant mood swings and psychological violence that made me depressed, anxious, insecure and develop BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) ever since a young age... because of that, I had a hard time on relationships because I'd feel so out of place, so disgusting, for no concrete reason. It's only about how I feel about myself, I learned to feel this way ever since I began to create memories so it's hard to let go of my distorted ideas. I made a lot of progress, but there's still a long way to go...

My suicidal thoughts began at the age of 9. When I was 10, something really traumatic happened and changed my life completely. Most of who I am today is due to the trauma, it increased the issues I already had and consequently created new trouble... I was unable to make good friendships IRL until high school, so I spent a lot of time talking to people online, watching anime and listening to music... and sleeping a lot to avoid the hardest days. I've seen a few therapists and my family did their best to help me (sometimes in the right way, sometimes making shitty mistakes), I was able to improve.

But, again, it's hard to let go. I'm still kinda broken. I still go through dark times. And it's nice to have a safe place to talk about it without being judged and creating trouble and anxiety for people who care about me IRL and try to comfort others, that's why I'm here. My heart is open. Thank you for reading. ^^
 
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