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L

LurkerMcGee

Member
Joined
Aug 22, 2020
Messages
10
Hello everyone,
I’m completely new here, but what little I’ve seen so far has given me hope. It’s nice to have the possibility to research ways to ctb. I’m an intensely private person, but will say that I’m a guy in his 40’s in the US who is just tired. Of everything. It seems like I have to post a bit to have access to certain tools of the site, so I plan on doing that. IRL, I’m more of a listener/observer than active participant, and that’s usually how it goes for me on the Internet. I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences and knowledge.
 
User_01

User_01

Member
Joined
Aug 23, 2020
Messages
18
Hi. 48/M/UK - Joined for obvious reasons. Read a lot of your posts and it makes me feel like such a fraud. Yes, I had a traumatic childhood, and many mistakes along the way and couldn't figure out why I was the way I was, always ruining my career prospects or relationships etc. I don't have a single friend, and I now have a failed marriage under my belt, having recently separated, we're currently living under the same roof, both working from home and it's tough. Been suicidal on and off for years, got treated for depression, although I've never felt depressed. Recently had a psych evaluation and I have ADHD and probably Asperger's, waiting for tests on that. This means that I have gone through life with an undiagnosed condition that has made me act in ways which have prevented me from having a decent life. The past three years, I have considered suicide enough to know which methods I prefer. In the past year, I have known that it will be likely that I'll check out one day and in the past three months, I have made peace with the fact that it is inevitable. Started sorting through my possessions, making sure there is nothing bad for my family to find, not that there is anything other than a questionable Google search history and a bunch of porn on my hard drive, aha! Have made contact with family members and old friends so that I can interact with them one last time, you know, ready for when I exit. My self abuse has escalated recently, but cutting myself no longer gives me the release it once did. I started developing a nervous tick, where I would hit myself in the head when I couldn't cope with things, and it have really hurt myself doing this recently, but that doesn't make me feel better. Since I figured that I won't be around much longer, I started breaking things, but now I would just rather give all my stuff to charity instead. I used to feel numb, unemotional, but now I sit and cry for hours while trying to keep my job... I am too impulsive, which has meant that I end up in situations I shouldn't be in and that are not good for my mental health. I no longer have hope. I wouldn't even know where to start to get that back.

If anyone reads all this, thank you, but it was good to post this somewhere just to get it out. I know many of us are suffering so if anyone wants to interact and chat shit then by all means, say hello.
 
Nessie

Nessie

Cynical
Joined
Aug 23, 2020
Messages
230
Hello, fellow folks!

I'm very happy to learn this community exists and we can speak to each other openly here, even though it is obviously not a very happy place and I wish each and every one of you wasn't hurting this much. I am very grateful to the people that shared information here, they're angels. I am a person that is able to fully appreciate the worth of communities like this, since I already have permanent brain damage from an attempt that was poorly planned out due to lack of research. I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone, even though I was relatively "lucky" regarding the extent of damage, and I believe that giving people access to information is an immensely good thing, and making an informed choice should be every persons responsibility, as well as a right.

A little boring trivia about me and my situation - I am a 28 year old female from Eastern Europe. I am currently struggling with keeping a job, mostly because of the health and cognitive problems I now have. I am in debt and unable to afford food or medication, I am literally going hungry and I am at the end of my rope. I just want the pain and hunger to stop without losing my dignity to achieve it, and currently CTB looks like my only option.
I tried turning to purely recovery-based communities for support before, and was suggested to seek therapy. I don't blame them since I probably wouldn't know what to say too, but my issues aren't purely mental/emotional, so therapy isn't going to do much for me, not to mention that I can't afford it. But once you express you're suicidal and not seeking therapy, you usually get shut out of the conversation elsewhere. So I'm happy I'm here where it is not the case.

Nice to meet you all and thank you for reading!
 
IBreathButNoMoreLive

IBreathButNoMoreLive

Totally Alone
Joined
Aug 20, 2020
Messages
32
Hello Friends
Firstly I apologize for not introducing myself earlier I have lurked for quite awhile and tbh I am not a trusting soul now.
Sorry I pre-judge it’s my defense mechanism I suppose its how I feel safe.
Anyway enough of that ramble.. I do that ramble as I talk to no one much anymore .. so please tell me to STOP.

I am 35 Australian I listen 24/7 to music now I am at peace with my CTB.
I have 2 options but I need some advice from some wise souls on the SS please ❤. I have lived long enough and now I am waiting for fur babies who are the only reason I am still here to pass I do not trust anyone else to leave them to.... my family are too heartless to trust I cannot cut their life short they are old so I can wait atm, but if it gets too hard I may change my mind if one goes I dont know.
I am so greatful to have found SS I find it so inspiring to see the Goodbye threads full of Love...Compassion..
Friendship.... that was never found in life I hope when my time comes I have a connection with people who care enough with me to say such kind words to me in my last moments in this cruel, tormenting world before I go and close my eyes forever
thank you for bothering to read my story
I Breathe But I Don’t Live Is My Name I wanted I Breathe But I No Longer Live after Noa Pothoven if you don’t know her story please look her up ❤
 
death137

death137

Wise
Joined
Jun 25, 2020
Messages
253
Hi I’m Girma and 23 years old. Registered 2 months ago but used to lurk for the past 3 years. Its a nice community here. I’ve been actively suicidal for the past 4 and half years but mental illness (depression, social anxiety) and few moments of being suicidal started long before that. I’m planning to ctb using full suspension soon.
 
BehindTheWall

BehindTheWall

Grand voyage.
Joined
Aug 26, 2020
Messages
29
Hello guys.

I’m 24 and from France. I think about CTB since 2015 but more often since my bestfriend CTB three months ago. no one knows that I plan to do it because I never talk about my problems nor feelings. I just want to know what the life will give me before april 2021. If it’s as bad as I thought, I’Il be gone with full suspension hanging or sleeping pills If I have enough.

Sorry for my english.

Take care of you, peace.
 
LetzteAusfahrt

LetzteAusfahrt

Swiss gay, exist until September 2020, PM me
Joined
Jun 27, 2020
Messages
507
Hi I’m Girma and 23 years old. Registered 2 months ago but used to lurk for the past 3 years. Its a nice community here. I’ve been actively suicidal for the past 4 and half years but mental illness (depression, social anxiety) and few moments of being suicidal started long before that. I’m planning to ctb using full suspension soon.
Thanks for your introduction. I am happy for you that you have found your way after such a long time.
 
NationalistKorean

NationalistKorean

A phantom depressed being
Joined
Aug 26, 2020
Messages
21
Hello people, I'm extremely new i.e my account just got accepted. I lurked here for about a day before joining. I'm 22 and live Korea. My life is a train mess but my depression just isn't there. I have suicidal thoughts and have for as long as I can remember but I have no real idea why. Being new I know none of you guys but I'll soon get to know who the main people here.
 
deadgirlahsatan

deadgirlahsatan

Specialist
Joined
Jun 5, 2020
Messages
308
Hi I’m Girma and 23 years old. Registered 2 months ago but used to lurk for the past 3 years. Its a nice community here. I’ve been actively suicidal for the past 4 and half years but mental illness (depression, social anxiety) and few moments of being suicidal started long before that. I’m planning to ctb using full suspension soon.
Sorry u have depression and social anxiety .i do too. :mmm: ;-; :hug:
 
Betelgeuse

Betelgeuse

Member
Joined
Aug 25, 2020
Messages
15
Hello all, been lurking around these forums for a while before I took the plunge and created an account.
Not going to reveal much about myself except that I'm a shut-in who spends most of their time on the internet :P
 
malcontent

malcontent

Member
Joined
Aug 28, 2020
Messages
14
Hello, I'm malcontent. I was subbed to the original SS subreddit a few years ago. It's a real shame that Reddit cracked down on it. But I suppose since things are a bit more free here, then it's not too bad.

I'm very indecisive when it comes to life decisions, and kind of a scaredy cat with suicide. I'm hoping that'll change in either direction, or that I'll make it change, or something (wait, even that sentence was indecisive lmao). Idk, it's hard to stick with one plan. In any case, I hope to find people who understand here.
 
shy

shy

Member
Joined
Aug 23, 2020
Messages
31
I’ve tried to write out an introduction for some time now, I keep on scrapping it over and over. I don’t know why, but it reads like some narcissistic blogpost every time.

I’ll try to keep it short, I’m 23, I live in northern Europe. I last considered suicide after graduating high school, for about a year. I struggle with social anxiety, but I’ve made an effort to get better. It was going fine for the past two years and I was happy with the direction my life was headed. Some big changes are happening in my life at the moment, all for the positive though.

For various reasons, I’m still ready to just give up and CTB. The fear of death and the grief it would cause my loved ones, is the only thing keeping me here. Putting up a mask for everyone is tiering me out the most.

I’m too scared to seek any help in real life, so this is the only place I feel comfortable turning to. Thank you all for sharing, I’ve been lurking for quite some time and it helps me feel less alone.
 
Eren

Eren

Si hablas español mándame un MP
Joined
Oct 27, 2018
Messages
985
I’ve tried to write out an introduction for some time now, I keep on scrapping it over and over. I don’t know why, but it reads like some narcissistic blogpost every time.

I’ll try to keep it short, I’m 23, I live in northern Europe. I last considered suicide after graduating high school, for about a year. I struggle with social anxiety, but I’ve made an effort to get better. It was going fine for the past two years and I was happy with the direction my life was headed. Some big changes are happening in my life at the moment, all for the positive though.

For various reasons, I’m still ready to just give up and CTB. The fear of death and the grief it would cause my loved ones, is the only thing keeping me here. Putting up a mask for everyone is tiering me out the most.

I’m too scared to seek any help in real life, so this is the only place I feel comfortable turning to. Thank you all for sharing, I’ve been lurking for quite some time and it helps me feel less alone.
Welcome, here you can express yourself freely.

I too am still in this world because of my guilt for the damage I will do to my family, I understand you.
 
P

PlaceCalledHome

Member
Joined
Apr 20, 2020
Messages
21
Hello everyone,
I’m completely new here, but what little I’ve seen so far has given me hope. It’s nice to have the possibility to research ways to ctb. I’m an intensely private person, but will say that I’m a guy in his 40’s in the US who is just tired. Of everything. It seems like I have to post a bit to have access to certain tools of the site, so I plan on doing that. IRL, I’m more of a listener/observer than active participant, and that’s usually how it goes for me on the Internet. I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences and knowledge.
I’m 30, NEET, homeless (living in transitional accommodation) and have basically ruined every relationship in my life both platonic and romantic, so no-one will care when I go. I’ve been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, OCD, Major Depression, Complex PTSD and Borderline. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother and an absent father. I’ve been raped twice. I’m also chronically ill.
 
L

LetsGosam

Member
Joined
Aug 28, 2020
Messages
24
Hi, I'm a gay guy in Colorado. Sex addiction has brought me to suicide again and again. I'm here to learn and maybe partner up. If I can find the right way for me I'm looking forward to making the decision and going through with it.
I am 28 in the us and I struggle with bipolar and potentially bpd. I have really fucked up my life from self destructing. I like to ride motorcycles, play games, produce music, watch anime, and going to goth clubs and raves.
Goth clubs are the best. I miss when they were good in my area.
 
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Amumu

Amumu

Please let me find peace
Joined
Aug 29, 2020
Messages
89
Hello, I'm 21
I've got dysthymia since I was born
I'm mainly here due to my shitty personality, my appearance and my existential problems.
I've never really been loved by a girlfriend. I love whisky, valium and painkillers too.
 
voidliquid

voidliquid

New Member
Joined
Jun 14, 2020
Messages
1
Hi there, this can be found in my Bio, but I wanted to briefly say Hi to you all.
Apologies for the format I am so tired.
I am a 30 year old Female who has been formally diagnosed with:
Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder & BiPolar II Disorder.
My Last suicide attempt was May of this year, Method - Hanging, the rope snapped :( woke up on floor .. damn.
My first suicidal thought was age 7, when I spoke about it I was ignored.
I just want to disappear, I need a 100% get out card, there is nothing I want to do in 'life'.
I am just scared of my methods failing, and of getting too old to be able to choose how I go.
Recently Divorced but still living together, trying to make it work, but I fall for other men and he neglects me.
I can't keep up with thoughts, there are so many things I feel the need to type yet I feel restricted and tired.
If you would like to chat, great, hope you have a great day or night, try to take care of yourself x
(ps sorry for big wall of text)
 
R

Ren Elsie Jewelria

Member
Joined
Aug 30, 2020
Messages
39
Hello to you all,
I am Ren Elsie Jewelria. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I"m too paranoid to reveal my age, gender, real name, and country of origin. Sorry.
I hope it's not a problem and I'll enjoy my stay here.
 
Failedboy

Failedboy

Member
Joined
Aug 29, 2020
Messages
11
Hi Everyone, thank you for the opportunity to be here and talk with like-minded people. I have been visiting this site for few months and finally decided to join. I am 34/M from Eastern Europe. Multiple reasons brought me here, I am completely lost and depressed. Day by day it's getting worse but I have not decided to ctb yet. Still I can see a chance to change my mind even it's very little now. I do hope to find here a lot of people to provide me with hope and support, whatever my final decision is.
 
SunnyPotato

SunnyPotato

Member
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
29
Hello everyone!
I somehow just joined now, though I've lurked for a bit and been wishing I had to courage to ctb for some time. I've had a few half-assed uninformed attempts landing me in psych hospitals and plenty of little "well maybe this will work," poorly planned/executed tries at ctb that result in long sleeps or stupid injuries that I have to conceal from those around me. My life recently took a turn for the worse and I'm feeling really grateful to have you all + have this forum as a resource, whether I can hop on the bus soon or just keep hanging around the bus stop but with some information and community. I have treatment resistant depression, adhd, severe anxiety/panic, and some lingering disordered eating, as well as the "mood disorder" vague af diagnosis that comes and goes depending on the doc diagnosing. I'm a 27 nonbinary femme (they/them or she/her pronouns both cool with me) from the US, this past birthday felt like it might be my last but that's maybe due to some silly romanticizing of the "27 club." But Damn, this year is really going hard, huh?

Things were pretty chill til my late teens then pretty UNchill around age 20, but that's how it goes for a lot of us, right? I had a "bright future" and big dreams and plans, but that's long gone. The past couple years I've been able to add chronic pain to the roster, could be from Lyme disease, or something else, or psychosomatic (LOL it's very real, but that's what I've been told.) I can't function enough to get it sorted out and have had too many bad experiences with doctors to even want to try and figure out what's wrong physically, even though the pain is unbearable. I can't work and have been fully dependent on my partner but I'm feeling like he really isn't into the relationship anymore and dammit, it's hard as hell for me to not push people away or at least isolate and insulate. And he's now in some bullshit legal trouble now so he might be locked up soon anyway, and we're set to be homeless in two weeks. I never felt like I had it together, but it's falling apart more and more. I don't have friends anymore, can't be bothered to uphold relationships anyway.

I don't know how I've made it this far but it might not be much longer, as everyday is a dumpster fire on both the micro and macro level. Been experimenting with night night method but having trouble getting it right, or I might go for a partial/a combo of the two. Not quite ready to ctb just yet it seems, or at least not strong enough to overcome SI. Anyway, thanks for this community, I really appreciate you all and hope your pain ceases, one way or another. Thanks for reading.
 
foxdie

foxdie

Eternal sleep is what I seek
Joined
Aug 18, 2020
Messages
212
Hello all this my first week on SS. I've been lurking for months when I was researching ctb methods and now I'm here. Now my phone autocorrects "ctb", "sn", etc... Lol. This is a very supportive community imo ❤
 
SunnyPotato

SunnyPotato

Member
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
29
Hola, tengo 21 años. Tengo mi vida destrozada por causa de un amor, me utilizaron y desecharon. No veo futuro tranquilo para mi vida. Si no me siento amada, para que sirve vivir?
Lo siento que alguien se aprovecho de ti asi, aunque no tengo los detalles de tu situacion, algo similar ha pasado a mi cuando tenia tu edad. Yo no quiero juzgar algo de tu situacion, pero espero que has considerado que el amor no es todo en la vida ni (en mi opinion) razon suficiente para ctb, y ademas si esa persona te hiciste tanto dano sera posible que no vale la pena su "amor" de nada. Tambien, existe la posibilidad que hay otro, mejor amor en tu futuro, no? De todas formas, te deseo paz, espero que aqui encuentras comunidad y si te apatece estoy aqui para hablar (pero te aviso, mi espanol no es tan bueno de momento y no tengo el teclado en espanol, como ves en esta respuesta LOL. Disculpas por los errores.)
 
illbehave

illbehave

Member
Joined
Sep 1, 2020
Messages
54
Hi All!
Just accepted but have read through so so much and have so much info! I am 45/F West Coast USA.
Was found depressed in 4th grade, started harming in 8th grade, and made to see therapist also. Abusive narc Mother, Father was abusive and stood up for Mother... I was the scapegoat/ black sheep of the family. I have a twin (identical sister) but she was the Golden Child. I was the empath and absorbed the familys negative and was the one who did all the chores and tried to help out.
Drug addict by 18... 3 rehabs by 21.
Multiple meds drs and bullshit ever since. Got pregnant at 24. It got me clean, and my Son was/is my world!!!! I was going to get married etc... and looking back, I wish I would have.
But my Mother had such a Strong hold over me and I had no self esteem I moved back in with her with my son. We were homeless 2 times. Because I could not take it anymore. My Mother literally would take my Son from me and go around when we went shopping and people would complete me say weirdly.. "No, That's My Son!"
She was weird went I got pregnant, you see, she adopted me and my twin sister from 1 yr old because she could not have kids. When I did, it was a Competition.
It was horrible.
She bought a beautiful crib and everything for her house. (My fiancee and I were living seperately) His Mom thankfully bought us a basinett etc.. I asked why she bought all this stuff for him and would not share it with us. She said it was because she wanted things when she would babysit.
It looked like a nursery at her house! UGH!!!
Fast Forward, despite her horrible, being raised and a natural "helper"... when Mother got dxed as Stage 4 lung cancer March 2017, my Son and I helped. We lived with her and my Father, and helped her, took her to appointments etc. My Father was just non empathic and he has zero social skills. She always preferred her kids or her Brother to help her.
Fast Forward, my parents were redoing their living trust and will. about 2018. I found it and saw some things that led to my first real attempts at suicide.
Mind you all, money has NEVER mattered to me. EVER.
But when I saw that my sister (who is depressed also exactly like me, but is across the country so they cant see see symptoms etc) gets x amount of money freely and mine is under a specific section for disabled adults I was so sick to my stomach I almost fainted.
Again being cast out.
I was her caregiver, nevertheless.
I held her when she died. I loved her so much more than she did me.
Even though she was kidnapped out of the house by HER BROTHER (who I never liked) and 3 months before she died. And I could only see her twice in a public location.
My son is almost 20.
He is taken care of financially. I am helping my Father sell the house, he is in relatively good health. He actually dated women while my Mother was sick, and got a girlfriend 1 month after she died last year.
Disgusting.
They were married 53 years.
My last hospitalization was aug 1 and 4th.
I cut again after 20 years.
I have always been a very sensitive fragile human, very empathic. A lot of health issues because I was the runt... deafness hair loss, anxiety.. etc
I know I have been depressed chronically since I was about 4, Borderline Personality Disorder To A Tee, of course, anxiety. The usual suspects.
my son has grown to be to cognant and self assured and thoughtful, respectful and has BEAUTIFUL Boundaries! I am so Proud!
He knows my struggles.
I have decided on my method. I have a few things to finish up before I go. My cat is also the other love of my life. It will taken only a month or two I think.
I might ask some newbie questions on here. :)
If anyone has feelings of abandonment because of adoption or any young adults that would like to talk to an "understanding" Mom. Please msg me. (I still need some more posts, though)
Thank you for listening.
PS I may be all over the place. I tried to give a timeline. Yay for Broken Brains!
 
dana

dana

and on and on and on
Joined
Sep 2, 2020
Messages
11
hullo guys,

I thought it'd only be appropriate that my first post is in this thread. Been depressed for a fair amount of years, diagnosed for the last three. I'm suicidal again, but it started about a month ago so the 'urgency' I felt then is kinda gone- I'll probably stick around for a while, have some stuff to arrange/do. Won't tell you my exact age, but I'm on the younger side, just starting adulthood. I like coffee and cats.
 
illbehave

illbehave

Member
Joined
Sep 1, 2020
Messages
54
hullo guys,

I thought it'd only be appropriate that my first post is in this thread. Been depressed for a fair amount of years, diagnosed for the last three. I'm suicidal again, but it started about a month ago so the 'urgency' I felt then is kinda gone- I'll probably stick around for a while, have some stuff to arrange/do. Won't tell you my exact age, but I'm on the younger side, just starting adulthood. I like coffee and cats.
Hi, nice to meet you, I am a newbie here also. (but have read just about everything for info) I love cats. I used to drink a shite ton of coffee. I dont much now, (no idea why?) but love the smell etc..
 
dana

dana

and on and on and on
Joined
Sep 2, 2020
Messages
11
Hi, nice to meet you, I am a newbie here also. (but have read just about everything for info) I love cats. I used to drink a shite ton of coffee. I dont much now, (no idea why?) but love the smell etc..
Hi :) and welcome on here. Like you, I also read along a lot before deciding to join. Cats are wonderful, I wish I had one by my side now.
 
illbehave

illbehave

Member
Joined
Sep 1, 2020
Messages
54
Hi :) and welcome on here. Like you, I also read along a lot before deciding to join. Cats are wonderful, I wish I had one by my side now.
How do y'all do the fancy msges beneath avatar? :)
 
aligatorek

aligatorek

take me where the music ain't too loud
Joined
Sep 2, 2020
Messages
12
Hi everyone, I've been reading this forum for a while and I'm happy to officially join this community. I read your stories and my heart breaks for you all. :( You seem to be so sweet and kind, I wish you all the best.

I'm a 19-year-old girl from Poland. Until recently, my life has been almost perfect. I've had supportive parents, a circle of best friends that I've known since childhood, plans and dreams for the future. Last year I started studying pharmacy at the best medical university in my country. Unfortunately, I've had serious health issues for the last two months. My eyesight is quickly deteriorating, and tests showed that my optic nerves are degenerating. :( I also have some other neurological problems, which forced me to stop going to the gym and singing classes that I really enjoyed (I currently have a summer break, so I don't attend any college classes). I've had tons of medical examinations and doctors ruled out multiple sclerosis, lyme disease and virtually any other illness, so I'm left undiagnosed, without treatment, but with progressing symptoms. I'm in both physical and mental pain and cry every day. :(

Since I'm literally going blind, and will probably be unable to move without a wheelchair soon, I decided to end my life on my own terms. I would like to make this experience as peaceful as possible... I will catch the bus using sodium nitrite, in the middle of the night, in a dimmed light, listening to my favorite music and hugging my plush unicorn.

I'm a calm, introvert person, who just wanted to learn and make the world a bit better place. I like cooking plant-based dishes and I'm interested in psychology, modern art and making hand-made cosmetics. I also read a loooot and love musicals! If you want to talk with me, I'll be over the moon! Thank you all for reading. I hope that despite all your suffering you have a nice day. Love <3
 
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